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Topic : 07/15 A Husband's Double Life

Number of Replies: 196
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Created on : Friday, November 21, 2008, 12:41:23 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 11/26/08) Studies show that as many as 18 to 24 million Americans suffer from sexual addiction; an overwhelming obsession that can destroy lives, ruin marriages and tear families apart. Elaine says she wishes she had never met her husband, Michael, because of the terrible secrets she’s uncovered about him. But did she ignore the warning signs before they got married? Michael says he knew he had a problem, but thought he could keep it a secret from his wife. You won’t believe where Michael’s addiction takes him multiple times a day and how he covered his tracks for seven years. And, Elaine recently made a shocking discovery. Should she be concerned for the safety of her two children? Find out what Dr. Phil thinks. Michael says he’s come clean, but will a polygraph exam reveal more hidden truths? Viewer discretion is advised. Share your thoughts here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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November 23, 2008, 2:59 pm CST

The Joke Ended On Me

 Just like everyone I was married to a cheater or should I say to a man that lived a different life with me.  He always had excuses for everything that I stupidly believed.  From the get go he left his wife for me.  I told him to never leave his wife for anyone other than for himself.  The affair not only ruined my marriage, but his and the children from his marraige and the one from mine.  (Then the one we share together).  He always used a PO Box to send checks to, had storage units, told me that he was estranged from his mother & family (inwhich I was the only wife to ever meet mom out of the 3 of us).  This man was married 8 yrs to wife #1, 12 + to number 2, & was with me 8 yrs, but married only 2.  He told me that his ex wife always cheated on him & made him be the mom, dad, housekeeper, nanny & everything in his home.

 

When he left his wife he was living on the floor of his work & when he saw his kids they slept on the floor there also. I let him take showers at my home, wash his clothes and do everything he needed to help him.  Finally after a rough start we married when our son was 3. I knew in the back of myhead & heart to not marry him. I knew he left wife 1 & 2 when they had small kids, & then they had lost their homes in foreclosure, & then the kids were always the ones who suffered.  6 months after we married he was cheating on me. He had told me that I could never visit him at work or eat lunch with him because I would have to go through a security passing and he could have no visitors. I thought maybe it was true and had to accept it. He had meet a women that was his waitress at a mexican restaurant he frequently visited. He would write his name & # on a napkin & tell them he is single. He would call in sick to his job, use FMLA on our sick child and play with his girlfriends. He would buy these women the same cards, gifts, fragrances, days of beauty, and everything he did for me that I liked. He knew it was important to cover his basis. He told this lady I was a unfit mom & he needed a mom for our son & he was leaving me after Christmas. According to this lady he had 4 others before her.  This lady called me crying and wanted me to console her. She had lost the man of her dreams. I was dumb finded when this happened, but had to accept it. I took him back even after knowing this woman was a striper & so were the others. He had protected his cell phone, changed where his bills were sent, told me he had to work overtime, and more. When I had went to the bank to withdraw money out of his work acct he never turned in the paperwork putting me as a signee on the acct. The bank called him, called security on me when I tried to get money. A few yr passed then I get a letter from IRS wanting to take my home. (He owed 150K to IRS).. We divorced, but remained together. He was quite the charmer and the last straw was he left us this past 5/08 for a parent on the baseball team and her son was in our sons kindergarten class.  So once again the last joke was on me.  We got into a argument over baseball & he left us. I figured he would be back, but NO he lives 2 blks away, engaged with this other woman. He had lied, abandoned us, drained our bank acct, beat me up at my sons school, and many more vicious things. 

 

***SO I think people sho ask their ex's questions before involving themself, their kids, their family, and their life. If I would of followed my mind instead of heart I could of protected myself, but I know he will do this again to the next person..

 
November 23, 2008, 3:18 pm CST

11/26 A Husband's Double Life

Quote From: beckynel08

I met a man on MATCH and we totally hit it off.....but he just couldn't stop looking at the profiles, and I found out that he was still meeting women for coffee dates. Said I didn't want to see him if that was what he wanted, so he said he would go off MATCH. He did for a month, then back on. When I found out he was back on the same thing happend again. He says it's just innocent fun, but since we met that way I was very upset with it. He says coffee dates are harmless. It was a 1 1/2 year later that he finally got off MATCH and says he's not on another site or meeting others for coffee....He can't commit to me and says I'm rushing him....we are both in our late 40's. I told him I'm ready to get married, and settle down again. I've been widowed for 6 years, he's been divorced for over 15. Is he a player? Is he leading a double life by still checking out the women on the computer, and coffee dates? Should I expect him to ever want to settle down at his age since he's been single for this long?

BN
Forget everything about what he's done in the past, if he can't commit and says you're rushing him then he's not interested in settling down and getting married. I don't feel it's about what you should expect of him. I think it's more about what you want in your life. From what you've written about him, I strongly feel that he's not interested in settling down. That's not necessarily a bad thing. If it's how he feels, he has the right to feel that way. I say move on with your life and you might meet someone else who IS interested in settling down. Life is short.
 
November 24, 2008, 6:58 am CST

mine was much the same....

Quote From: cuddly08

I lived in a marriage headed for nowhere for 17 yrs. He seemed normal before we got married. Our wedding night confused me a little when he left me in the hotel room to get the key retrieved from the trunk of the car. It was a joke of sorts for years. Now I know he was already showing me how little he really respected me. He wondered why our sex life wasn't great. We lived and functioned as a normal couple for the most part, but always seemed to be distant from each other. I continued to give everything I had to give until I finally collapsed.  We attended marriage retreats and counselling to no avail. He had a problem with pornography which I had no clue of. When I found out and confronted him he said he'd get rid of it. That happened so many times I can't recall. He always kept some or got more. He horded money which I don't know what he did with. And from there, it escalated to the "real thing".On our 10th anniversary we renewed our vows, but I just felt it was a joke for him.  I found out 7 yrs later that he was having an affair which I had no clue was going on for 2 yrs. prior. I guess I knew something wasn't right, but could never prove it. All the stress and frustration totally shut me down to the place of near suicide. In the midst of this were 2 kids which caused problems of another sort. He finally just one day announced he was moving out. In a way it was relief, but also hurtful. It was hard on the kids most, but we got through it. After 3 yrs. of separation, the divorce is nearly complete. He sort of ignored the kdis for the 1st couple yrs. of separation, but has maintained contact since. I feel for anyone who has to go through this kind of pain (man or woman)...betrayal is betrayal. The only way that I have been able to survive and come out of this good, is by the grace and power of God. He provided me with comfort and people who cared. The kids are doing super! Except that my son who never really had a father during his most formative years of the teens is having problems. I know that through time, he will hopefully turn into a wonderful and caring man that will treat a woman the way she deserves. One bonus is that my children have learned much about relationships...good and bad. It has prevented them from making stupid choices in their life.

Many of your experiences were mine also, esp. regarding behavioral problems with teenage sons. My sons figured their father out at around 13. They also had issues and difficulties because of it. I had to become the "man" in their lives if they were going to have any chance at all in growing up to be men themselves. So, I became a "mom with balls." That's what my oldest son, now 28, describes me as. His mom with balls. I take it as a high compliment. I was raising future men, that would have girlfriends and wives and children someday. My boys did finally turn out to be the men their wives and girlfriends deserved to have, but it was not easy. They had more than the "normal" types of rebellion and acting out during their teen years. My oldest son ended up in the care of the California Youth Authority due to his acting out. It was hell at the time, but I stood firm and advocated for him throughout. I made the system work for his benefit. My younger son left home at 15 and lived like a homeless vagrant for 2 years rather than live at home with his father. I was still there for him. Today, at ages 23 and 28, my sons have good jobs and have come to appreciate the quality of their lives. My oldest has been married now for 2 years and my younger is still with his longtime gf. Because I fought for them and made the hard decisions and was there for them no matter what, they know their own worth and value. They also know the difference between good parenting and bad, and they know what kind of man NOT to be. Their father modeled how not to be a good husband and father, and their "mom with balls" modeled the kind of people they needed to be for themselves and their future gf's and wives. My sons have no contact with their father and despise him. He earned that. My sons and I have a very close, loving, honest relationship. I earned that. They have matured and are the men I had hoped they would become.

 
November 24, 2008, 8:03 am CST

wow I feel so blessed

I feel so blessed to have the family and friends that I havae after reading what I could be involved in ...however I do have many friends that appear or seem to have some of the traits that the men and some women have and now it is in the open ...thanx to all that have talked about it .... you all have alot of courage!!! 
 
November 24, 2008, 8:33 am CST

I'll be watching

I have been married for almost 19 years now and have always suspected him of this so I am interested in what and how it is he got caught. It is common to turn the other cheek until it is brought to light and i expect if I am correct The truth will come out!
 
November 24, 2008, 9:44 am CST

11/26 A Husband's Double Life

Quote From: suebsingin2u

This is a show I've GOT to watch...  I recently just ended a relationship after learning the guy I'd been dating had some rather disturbing profiles all over the internet.  After reading them I decided to see just how 'active' he was, and set up a fake profile... I was devastated when he took the bait, but thankful that I'd learned this when I did.  Had I not, I would eventually have been in this gal's shoes..  Confronting the situation was difficult, but I'm proud of the way I handled it.

ALWAYS trust your Gut!!

 It's better to find out the man you're dating is a horn-dog before rather than after you marry him.
 
November 26, 2008, 2:06 am CST

one sentence say's it all

isn't it a bit obvious that he is hiding more. He doesn't want to say anymore for fear that he hadn't told her about that. If he's telling the truth, then he wouldn't have even said that statement. I'm surprised that The Doc didn't catch him on that one!!

“It’s been hard to know what I’ve told her and what I haven’t told her. Things have gotten so mixed up,” he says.
 
November 26, 2008, 7:14 am CST

Please take a Tip from The Oprah Show in dealing with topics like these. (Concerned)

I would like to thank the Dr. Phil Show for bringing this topic to the public's attention. But I was surprised that your show did not take similar precautions as The Oprah WInfrey Show to ensure children too young to be exposed to the topic would not accidentally view any this show. One of Oprah's recent shows tackled the topic of sex from a different angle, just focusing on what is healthy in relationships and how both partners may find satisfactory intimacy. After each commercial break, The Oprah Show chose to cover the television's screen with a message including voice-over which informed parents that the contents of that day's show were inappropriate for children. I was surprised today to see that the Dr. Phil Show did not take similar precautions. It was comforting to see a full-screen precautionary statement before the show's beginning. After commercial breaks, however, the show chose to scroll a precautionary statement across the bottom of the screen only while the rest of the screen continued on topic. Needless to say, scrolling type--while the show continued without interruption--may have allowed more tape of the show to be viewed but could not possibly have the same impact as a full-screen warning with voice-over. As I believe Dr. Phil and Oprah have both learned a great deal from each other over the years, it is my hope that Dr. Phil's production designers will take this concern to heart. Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
 
November 26, 2008, 7:21 am CST

No Brainer


The wife on this show should immediately divorce the pervert. It's obvious that she's unhappy and how much can one woman take after 7 years of marriage. The kids will adjust as they grow older, but she needs to get out now and find happiness.
 
November 26, 2008, 7:45 am CST

addiction

 
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