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Topic : 07/15 A Husband's Double Life

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Created on : Friday, November 21, 2008, 12:41:23 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 11/26/08) Studies show that as many as 18 to 24 million Americans suffer from sexual addiction; an overwhelming obsession that can destroy lives, ruin marriages and tear families apart. Elaine says she wishes she had never met her husband, Michael, because of the terrible secrets she’s uncovered about him. But did she ignore the warning signs before they got married? Michael says he knew he had a problem, but thought he could keep it a secret from his wife. You won’t believe where Michael’s addiction takes him multiple times a day and how he covered his tracks for seven years. And, Elaine recently made a shocking discovery. Should she be concerned for the safety of her two children? Find out what Dr. Phil thinks. Michael says he’s come clean, but will a polygraph exam reveal more hidden truths? Viewer discretion is advised. Share your thoughts here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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July 16, 2009, 5:52 am CDT

Slow Learner

Quote From: jduffy14

I watched this whole show, and my heart went out to the lady.  So many people could say she is an idiot, but unless you deal with it nobody knows her true feelings  I can understand when she says she loved him.  i am in the same situation and have been my whole entire life.  Yes, I did see signs when we were dating.  I had the thought I could change him.  It is like any other addiction.  You can not change a person.  A person cannot change, until they are ready to change.  This has been a hard one for me to learn. 

 

I have gone through having a $500 phone bill due to sex calls, magazines, prono movies, and other things.  Being asked over and over about having three somes.  Wondering what color my mom's hair was, and I do not mean on her head.  All kinds of things.  Each time it happens, it makes me feel more and more like a whore and I like myself less and less.  this is very hard to deal with. 

 

He acts like there is no problem and it is always my fault.  I get blamed for it all.  Our son is ready to go to college and this may be my time to say goodbye.

Shame on you for raising your son in this situation.  Are you putting another "Addict" out there?  Your husband did what he did because you allowed it.  That is the only blame you can take.  People make their own choices, his to treating you badly and you for taking it. Get out now and show your son that women are worth respect, marriage must have trust and actions have consequences.
 
July 16, 2009, 5:59 am CDT

Stay strong

Quote From: momof3too

Not surprised to see tonights show on sexual addition. As a mother I am frustrated & saddened this women has held on knowing this about her husband & the father of their children yet continues to reside w/ this stranger.

 

Yet too familiar... as having experienced a similar marriage. Married 13yrs. 3 wonderful children. Towards the last several yrs of our marriage financially strapped & came to discover an entire email account which my husband held devoted entirely to prostitute & the solicitation of.  Once this was discovered was the end of our agreement (marriage) & w/in 4-6wks the children & I left our family home because he would not.

 

Looking back there were many red flags, however the fact that his family was well aware of his problems & could not spare me & our children was heart breaking as this was something his family had delt w/ as well & was continuing from generation to generation.

 

I believe in my heart that his lies, having grown up w/ a father who shows his love (& continues to pay him off) w/ money & the disrespect for women is not the life he desires, but is easy & what he knows. That given his upbringing & in order to function day in & day out he was forced to shut down emotionally in order to get through the day & was not able to grow/mature or function otherwise as an adult. (similar to a child who is not socialized at a young age & looses that.)  He admited to me upon the separation that since he was young he has felt the need to lye & make up stories.  He is good at what he does & had an answer to everything.

 

His time could never be accounted for.  Toward the last few years of marriage there was money missing, barrowed w/ out my knowedge from family members & through out our 13 yrs marriage money missing from family members as well including businesses/embezzeling from which I knew nothing about.  In addition to interest taken out from our life insurance policies.  All very sad.

 

For me... discovering the email account this clearly tied it all together.  What I was feeling was not fear for myself so much, but for my children.  I thought before my discoverty was that even though I was not in love w/ this man... certainly it was best for the children to remain in take as a family & that he had our(my) best interest at heart.  Nieve catholic girl, maybe, however for me marriage was a choice I made & divorce was not an option... until I realized the mask I was wearing.  How could I possibly be the wonderful mother I thought I was & living behind this white picket fence when clearly my children seen how misserable I was, & what kind of a relationship was I rolemodeling to them?

 

To this day I am fearful of this man & his actions.  He continues to struggle w/ money & not provide for our children accordingly.  If no one is looking & he can get away w/ it... it's fine... is his motto.  He is remarried now & his wife & her family are clueless.

 

As far as the court system & what I was told by my lawyers & child protective services... so long as his computer is pass coded & he is not doing this infront of the children they have no problem w/ his leading a doouble life.  I was told he CAN lead one life of lucidious behavior, yet be a good father. 

 

Very disheartening & to this day I feel as if I am still protecting this man because of the court system.  What I struggle w/ the most is that this is the man I chose to father children w/.  Not to mention the issue of trust & have yet been able to have a relationship.

 

This has all brought me closer to my faith & pray on Him daily, as well as for the father of my kids. 

Congratulations.  You are a great mom and woman. You are giving your children a huge gift by showing them that you are worth respect.  I know you are struggling and it is hard but stay strong.  Some day you will see your hard work was worth it in the kinds of children you have.  You will feel so proud! As you should now!
 
July 18, 2009, 8:33 am CDT

07/15 A Husband's Double Life

I could not muster any sympathy for this woman. She knew the scoop before she married, yet went through with it and thought it was a good idea to bear his children! Idiot. It's so discouraging that 40+ years of the women's movement and parents are still raising their daughters to be victims. Why not encourage them to aspire to be somebody instead of dreaming from girlhood about a wedding. As a nurse, I work with a number of intelligent, funny, capable young women, some of whom are pursuing adanced degrees; yet, they remain obsessed with finding a man and having a wedding. The wedding seems the main thing, while the man is often just someone who got the job of being a groom. So, lady, you chose the man, married him, even though you knew there were sexual issues that could become seriously problematic, you decided it was a good idea to tie yourself further to him by having his children, etc, etc, etc...so please spare me the "Oh, I'm just a helpless woman who is the victim of a big bad man" routine. I see it all the time on these shows, and it sickens me. STOP BEING A VICTIM. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN LIFE. What kind of a role model does this willing victim set for her children. Her daughters will be victims and her sons will be victimizers.
 
July 18, 2009, 8:35 am CDT

07/15 A Husband's Double Life

Quote From: libraleo

HERR DOCTOR PHIL!!

This is totally :repeat : TOTALLY out of your expertise: You are way over your head....!

This young man is HOMOSEXUAL. AS a gay man, I can see this "clearly" and without distortion. He is not an addict of anything. COMPLUSIVE, and OBSESSED, YES but it's because there is an immense part of his life that is NOT REAL to him and he can not grow in any direction.

SORRY HERR DOCTOR PHIL you know next to nothing about homosexuality, and you have v. clear feelings of "disinterest": OK. Your tolerance is practised and deliberate: v. professional. No gay person would trust you for a nanosecond....PERIOD!

This young man is TERRIFIED of all his feelings, esp his passive/aggressive feelings towards FEMALES. He's actually not that interested in them, and hasn't been for a long time. He's feeling totally stuck,and trapped and he's acting out: with these inane and v. PUERILE sexual games. He's hiding behind the internet sexual games, and his approach to FEMALES is practiced. It's an act.

He has ZERO interest in CHILDREN. ZERO. He's having oral sex with MEN, grown men for a good reason, and if he could be really REALLY honest and candid with you and your audience; he probably has a "penis" fetish, either his or another mans'. This does not MORPH easily into child molestation, again sorry that you lack this expertise.

SORRY....GET REAL, you are clueless about these things.

I think he (the husband) was truly terrified to imagine that the CHILD charge would be leveled against him. He knows his sexual needs, and seeks outlet, and he knows what his fantasies are, and there are most certainly not connected with CHILDREN.

NOW: from simple LIFE observation: MEN are generally dis-satified with the SEXUAL outlets provided within marriage: PERIOD, and your whole belief system never deals with that.

This man needs help understanding his "real" sexual needs, and how best to satisfy them. He needs to divorce this "unfortunate" woman, free her to move one, and then repair his broken life, admit his sexuality, and TRY to heal himself. THAT done, he will seek out his children for emotional connection. He would be a good father, once he has clearly up his sexual "issues", and dealt with things / issues ...in an honest manner.

UNDERSTAND this: If he has to SEX his way thru that process, there will be v. few voices within the male gay community that will judge him so harsely.

I wish him well, and hope against hope that he can find enough courage to admit how dis-interested he is in FEMALES; that's a good starting point. for him. This has been all one big ACT, covering up his "real" intents.

AND guess what??

You HERR DOCTOR, as a HETERO male agree with me, and know that he's not just one of guys, with a sexual addicttion... You know there is something else operating here, and you are loathe to admit it, maybe from professional reasons...

OK: Keep it real, as best you can.

Over and OUT!
LIBRA - LEO
Well, I'm a gay man too, and I don't see it that way at all. This man has sex with everyone. He's a sex addict. How do you draw your conclusions? Do you have a degree in psychology? Please DON'T think you are speaking for all gay people. Your conclusions are baseless, and your statements are ridiculous.
 
July 22, 2009, 8:45 pm CDT

I lived this exact same nightmare.

This was my life from 1998-2006.

 

Down from the adultsexfinder.com account, the gay porn, the gay chats, the adult sex stores, the meeting up with swinging men for oral sex.

 

I luckily had no children with this "man."

 

I found this "man's" secret suitcase full of his dirty issues, he had kept from me for over 4 years the day before our marriage, while packing for our honeymoon. My family and friends in town from out of state, I felt too ashamed and confused to maintain my self-respect and cancel the wedding.

 

I was in an unhappy and unsatisifying marriage for the entire time. I ended up self-medicating myself to obliterate the pain.

In the end, he blamed me for the break up...because I was so unable to find a happy balance, while he continued to have a mostly secret life.

During the divorce, I learned where much of our free money was going, while most of the time he was blaming it on me for my need for therapy.

 

Since he got rid of his "beard", he has moved on to a new "beard."

 

 
July 28, 2009, 3:12 pm CDT

07/15 A Husband's Double Life

My dad lived a double life for a couple of months when I was in high school. He pretended that his kids were younger then we really were and that we lived in another state and that he has been divored for years, when in fact my mom and dad were still married. We found out when his mistress called our home phone number. She asked for a a man that had my dads first name but she said a different last name. To amke it worst her name was the same as mine.
 
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