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Topic : 07/15 A Husband's Double Life

Number of Replies: 196
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Created on : Friday, November 21, 2008, 12:41:23 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 11/26/08) Studies show that as many as 18 to 24 million Americans suffer from sexual addiction; an overwhelming obsession that can destroy lives, ruin marriages and tear families apart. Elaine says she wishes she had never met her husband, Michael, because of the terrible secrets she’s uncovered about him. But did she ignore the warning signs before they got married? Michael says he knew he had a problem, but thought he could keep it a secret from his wife. You won’t believe where Michael’s addiction takes him multiple times a day and how he covered his tracks for seven years. And, Elaine recently made a shocking discovery. Should she be concerned for the safety of her two children? Find out what Dr. Phil thinks. Michael says he’s come clean, but will a polygraph exam reveal more hidden truths? Viewer discretion is advised. Share your thoughts here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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November 21, 2008, 4:43 pm CST

Doctor Phil Show.

Doctor Double Husbands Life Phil/Robin. Are you kidding me? A Double Life. Get out. No way sure peopl--les have a Double Life. See you on Wednesday Nolvember 26th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaandere-

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November 22, 2008, 1:33 pm CST

Common

I once believed in a lifelong marriage where each partner was true unto the other.  I have since learned that men, in particular, are not wired for monogamy.  It is often the men who are the most self-rightious that harbor thoughts that would curl the hair of their trusting spouses.  The difference is in the action.  Some men and women weight the consequences of infidelity and rule on the side of monogamy rather than bring the consequences into their life experiences. 

 

 However, there are many reasons for seeking love and friendship outside of marriage; and it does not always mean the spouse is inadequate or the person is heinous.  For some, the walk through this life feels brief, and the rush of fresh emotion is an elixer that heightens their ability to function.  Often, it's high powered, brilliant people who need more sensual experience that marriage provides. Or perhaps they have the opportunity and means to exercise desires that the less powerful and economically empowere cannot risk.

 

I do not pass judgment any more.  I believe we walk this earth as a piece of our eternal experience and for some, infidelity is part of that walk.  Forgiveness and acceptance are part of that experience.  Hate and retributions are part of that experience.  Broken homes and children without roots are part of that experience.  Many of the couples broken by infidelity find stronger relationships; many children of broken homes grow into independent and confident adults. 

 

Life is what it is.  If we were not trained to be so shocked by infidelity and instead were taught to communicate our needs and wants before marriage and during marriage, the excitement of infidelity and the tragedy of its revelation might both be reduced.

 
November 22, 2008, 2:20 pm CST

Not Surprising...

This is a show I've GOT to watch...  I recently just ended a relationship after learning the guy I'd been dating had some rather disturbing profiles all over the internet.  After reading them I decided to see just how 'active' he was, and set up a fake profile... I was devastated when he took the bait, but thankful that I'd learned this when I did.  Had I not, I would eventually have been in this gal's shoes..  Confronting the situation was difficult, but I'm proud of the way I handled it.

ALWAYS trust your Gut!!

 
November 22, 2008, 2:34 pm CST

Double Life....addiction

Quote From: hpmx59

Doctor Double Husbands Life Phil/Robin. Are you kidding me? A Double Life. Get out. No way sure peopl--les have a Double Life. See you on Wednesday Nolvember 26th, 2008. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaandere-

n.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

I met a man on MATCH and we totally hit it off.....but he just couldn't stop looking at the profiles, and I found out that he was still meeting women for coffee dates. Said I didn't want to see him if that was what he wanted, so he said he would go off MATCH. He did for a month, then back on. When I found out he was back on the same thing happend again. He says it's just innocent fun, but since we met that way I was very upset with it. He says coffee dates are harmless. It was a 1 1/2 year later that he finally got off MATCH and says he's not on another site or meeting others for coffee....He can't commit to me and says I'm rushing him....we are both in our late 40's. I told him I'm ready to get married, and settle down again. I've been widowed for 6 years, he's been divorced for over 15. Is he a player? Is he leading a double life by still checking out the women on the computer, and coffee dates? Should I expect him to ever want to settle down at his age since he's been single for this long?

BN
 
November 22, 2008, 4:24 pm CST

IT HAPPENS

RIGHT NOW AFTER 30 YEARS I FOUND OUT I WAS MARRIED TO A SEX ADDICT AND OFFENDER AND NOW MY KIDS HAVE VISTS WITH HIM AND IAM TOLD I HAVE RESENMENT YES BUT THESE PEOPLE ALSO ABUSE POEPLE EMOTIONAL AND NO ONE SEAMS TO ADDRESS THAT.iF THEY HINE AND SNEAK HOW CAN YOU TRUST THEM  AND THEN TRUST WITH YOUR CHILDREN THIS WHY ABUSED WOMEN CONTINUE TO BE ABUSE AND NOTHING IS EVER DONE AND CHILDREN AND FAMILIES GET SICKER AND SICKER.

 
November 22, 2008, 5:23 pm CST

Been There Done That

I lived in a marriage headed for nowhere for 17 yrs. He seemed normal before we got married. Our wedding night confused me a little when he left me in the hotel room to get the key retrieved from the trunk of the car. It was a joke of sorts for years. Now I know he was already showing me how little he really respected me. He wondered why our sex life wasn't great. We lived and functioned as a normal couple for the most part, but always seemed to be distant from each other. I continued to give everything I had to give until I finally collapsed.  We attended marriage retreats and counselling to no avail. He had a problem with pornography which I had no clue of. When I found out and confronted him he said he'd get rid of it. That happened so many times I can't recall. He always kept some or got more. He horded money which I don't know what he did with. And from there, it escalated to the "real thing".On our 10th anniversary we renewed our vows, but I just felt it was a joke for him.  I found out 7 yrs later that he was having an affair which I had no clue was going on for 2 yrs. prior. I guess I knew something wasn't right, but could never prove it. All the stress and frustration totally shut me down to the place of near suicide. In the midst of this were 2 kids which caused problems of another sort. He finally just one day announced he was moving out. In a way it was relief, but also hurtful. It was hard on the kids most, but we got through it. After 3 yrs. of separation, the divorce is nearly complete. He sort of ignored the kdis for the 1st couple yrs. of separation, but has maintained contact since. I feel for anyone who has to go through this kind of pain (man or woman)...betrayal is betrayal. The only way that I have been able to survive and come out of this good, is by the grace and power of God. He provided me with comfort and people who cared. The kids are doing super! Except that my son who never really had a father during his most formative years of the teens is having problems. I know that through time, he will hopefully turn into a wonderful and caring man that will treat a woman the way she deserves. One bonus is that my children have learned much about relationships...good and bad. It has prevented them from making stupid choices in their life.
 
November 22, 2008, 11:35 pm CST

Just like any other addiction

He needs to find some help for his addiction, just by confessing it doesn't mean it will end. I recommend sex addicts anonymous, I am a recovering alcoholic and believe that the 12 steps can help to overcome any addiction, without help he will just repeat his behavior.

 
November 22, 2008, 11:39 pm CST

Don't be looking for love on the internet!

Quote From: suebsingin2u

This is a show I've GOT to watch...  I recently just ended a relationship after learning the guy I'd been dating had some rather disturbing profiles all over the internet.  After reading them I decided to see just how 'active' he was, and set up a fake profile... I was devastated when he took the bait, but thankful that I'd learned this when I did.  Had I not, I would eventually have been in this gal's shoes..  Confronting the situation was difficult, but I'm proud of the way I handled it.

ALWAYS trust your Gut!!

I mean come on, the internet, of course he probably has some problems, that is why he isn't dating anyone in his neighborhood, they know who he is. Why were you devestated, that is pretty much what is on the internet. Find someone you can see, around your hometown. There has been some very bad stories about internet predators.
 
November 23, 2008, 9:18 am CST

Going through it right now

My husband and I have just parted. After dealing with his overwhelming sexual addiction ( for which we had two years therapy, jointly and each on our own..) he decided that the constraints of marriage were not for him.

 

I had no idea that he did this until 4 years ago when he became sloppy in covering up his tracks. Within a few days, the whole sordid mess was uncovered.

 

He approached hundreds of women and got lucky with about 30 of them over a five year period. ( he says he was faithful for the first 5 years of our marriage. I don't know what to believe any more...)

 

 These are the figures he gave the therapist, but, frankly, they are probably higher.....

 

I am a total mess. Unfortunately, there was no loss of love on my part, so all I'm feeling is utter rejection at the moment. I can't even be angry. I'm just numb and drifting from crying to sleeping throughout the day and night.

 

It's hard to go from having a husband who I thought had a handle on his addiction, to being outside of his life and looking in at a man I never really knew.

 

He has been gone for two weeks, and has begun some of the behaviours which led to the infidelities. He masturbates constantly, grooms women who he knows will be receptive to offers ( he is a taxi driver ), accesses porn on the net and says that he should never have married me.

 

14 years too late for that ....

 

Yet, he says he loves me and never wants to be in another relationship. He says he would like to maintain a friendship, go on holidays and dates and be a support for each other. The phrase have your cake and eat it too comes to mind...

 

The Dr Phil show on this subject won't be on British tv for a while, and I'm anxious to view it. My therapist is great, but I trust Dr Phil so much, I want to hear his advice....

 
November 23, 2008, 10:20 am CST

re: The Internet

Quote From: mikem48

I mean come on, the internet, of course he probably has some problems, that is why he isn't dating anyone in his neighborhood, they know who he is. Why were you devestated, that is pretty much what is on the internet. Find someone you can see, around your hometown. There has been some very bad stories about internet predators.
We didn't meet over the internet... We were introduced by mutual friends, he lived maybe 20 minutes from me...  He said, did, acted, acted one way with me and our friends, he has a wonderfully supportive family who I'd met & we spent a lot of time with... Yet het had another side that I learned about quite by accident.  He always called when he said he would, we spent lots of time together, etc...  One day at his house he was checking his email, while I was sitting on the couch...  I looked up, and thought, Is he looking at personals???  When I asked him of course he denied it, Something didn't feel right, and so I investigated further. In doing so I learned he had profiles all over the internet, some of which were pretty scary...  We're not just talking yahoo personals here.   I was devastated because this was a person I had come to care about very deeply., I'd known him for a couple of years before we actually started dating... I believe in 'friendship first'.   I could very easily have married this man had I been none the wiser.   Even in your own hometown ya can't be too careful.
 
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