It is so sad that most people think that a parent who loses a child that is alive does so because they did something terrible. I agree there are some dead beat mothers and fathers but that is not always the case. I'm writing to the message board for one reason only which is whoever reads my post just remember if ever you meet a mother or father who cannot see their only alive child(ren) don't go jumping to conclusions that they were a bad parent. Also, sadly to say, it still occurs to this day that
especially if a mother loses her alive child(ren) that she was a bad person and despicable.
My case is unique but the end result was the same as other mothers or fathers like I who were stopped seeing their child(ren). I live in Canada and in the 1980' the Court System decided that children from ages 10 could go and live with the parent of their choice. The parent that had custody
could not appeal the decision of the child in front of any Court Judge. The decision was left entirely to the child.
I had two boys ages 10 and 12 in my custody and the youngest one was brainwashed by his Dad to go and live with him. My 12 year old was torn between staying with me or going with his younger brother. I got counselling for both of them and eventually my eldest with a brokenheart decided to go and live with his Dad and brother. Both of them were much too young to make that type of decision but the law was on their side and their Dad made sure they knew about it.
I was allowed visiting rights but the agreement stated that I had to call my ex-husband before going to see them. I saw them only 3 times after they went to live with their Dad. My ex-husband got an unlisted telephone number because he knew he was protected by the Privacy Act of Canada. I did go to my ex-husband's home and he called the police who then informed me that I had to get off his property. I went to see countless lawyers to find out how I could possibly do something about seeing my children. My only alternative I was told by one lawyer was to abduct them and get a new identity. My step-dad was willing to pay the money required for me and the children to get a new identity but I refused. Because I refused such an offer, I was persecuted by family members and friends. I could not go that route because it meant being on the run for the rest of all our lives. Knowing my ex-husband I knew that he would do everything in his power to find us. What good would it have done had I been caught and put in jail.
My two sons are now 39 and 40 years old but their Dad brainwashed them so badly with the idea that I had abandoned them that they still won't have anything to do with me. It's difficult to compare one with someone else but I feel it is my right to do so here. Dr. Phil I was the kind of mother your wife Robin is with my two boys. Of course, I did not have a good marriage as you and Robin do but I protected my boys from their Dad's drinking and would not allow him to scream in the home. I gave them all my love, time, money etc to my children and I did not deserve to have to go through this.
The good thing is that I am a christian and very strong in my faith. The first couple of years I walked around like a zombie but I did not take drugs nor drink. It was very difficult but the one thing that kept me moving on with my empty life was the idea that a person can take everything away from you but if you won't allow them to they can't make you lose your mind. I held on to that thought. At first I would repeat that over and over in my mind until I got to believe it. I recall some days being so exhausted from repeating in my brain: "He took everything away from me but he will not take my sanity ever".
When my youngest son was around 30 years old he contacted me and things were going along pretty smoothly until his wife got pregnant with my little grand-daughter who is now 6 years old. Even though my son, of course, was married, he never told his Dad that he was having a relationship with me until his little girl was born. All hell broke loose when he told his Dad. I was then forced to walk away from my son, his wife and little girl. I did not want my grand-daughter to be around all that stress. I, also, could foresee that I would eventually lose the right to see my grand-daughter and I did not think then nor now I could survive losing another alive child. I would have loved my grandchild whether it was a girl or a boy but her being a little girl was one of the nicest gifts I ever had. The reason being is that I am an only child, therefore, never had a sister. As you can presume I never had a daughter either.
I am thankful that I was able to hold my little grand-daughter when she was born for at least one hour and unless God intervenes in some way that is the only memory I will ever have of her.
I still hang on to the hope that someday my two boys will reunite with me. I admit a part of me has died but my faith in the Lord has always sustained me. I never remarried. I did have a few relationships but I had issues of trust that I can't seem to get rid of.
I would like to say a few words about men whom the world at times call "dead beat Dads". I agree there are some that deserve this name but from the ones I've met through various ways I have to say that 60% of them do not deserve to be called "dead beat Dads'".
Many wives make it so difficult for their husband's to see their children for various reasons that the fathers give up and move on the best way they know how. I've spoken to quite a few fathers who have told me why should they give money to their wives who won't allow them to see their children. Also, I ran a day care centre at one point in my life and saw how so many mothers talk badly to their children about their Dads. I babysat one little girl and boy and they would act up big time when their Dad would want to pick them up to fulfill his visiting rights. Their mother was a school teacher and she would curse after their father in my home many times to the children. I finally had to tell her to stop this behavior or else I would report her to the school she was teaching at. Actually I could write a book about all the verbal abuse children from broken homes get from their own mother.
Losing your alive children I believe is worse than losing one through death. I may be wrong about this because I never experienced it. The reason I think this way is because if you lose a child through death eventually you can come to terms that they are not coming back. Losing an alive child follows you through the rest of your life if you are never reunited with the said child.
I'm 65 years old now and I pray constantly that I can go on and live the years I have left in a good manner. I lived most of my adult life missing my children which I still do. But my dilemma now is being a grand-mother and not seeing my little grand-daughter. I feel very uncomfortable around other grand-mothers and it takes the Lord's grace not to be jealous of them, after all, it isn't their fault about my situation.
I'm here to tell you that I still get flack from all sorts of people who will not believe my story about losing my children. I swear to you, Dr. Phil, that no one believes my story. At times when various
people question me about my children, I feel that perhaps I should say I don't have any but I cannot or ever will be able to do such a thing.
The good news is that the law was changed I believe about 8 or 10 years after they implemented it and they had the nerve to send me a questionnaire about how it affected me. From the things I've read regarding the outcome of Canada implementing such a law at least my children did not try or commit suicide as some of the other children I read about.
To your guests on your program, I have one word of encouragement to tell you which is stand your ground and don't let this terrible tragedy mess your brain up. I'm not saying not to take medication for anxiety or depression but hang in there. If you're a believer of God and the Bible turn to Him and He will walk beside you through all of this terrible ordeal.
I wish to say something to the mothers and fathers who are presently going through a divorce and that is do not ever talk against one or the other to your child(ren). If I can do this under the circumstances I went through I'm sure you can do the same. Whatever the reason is that you are getting a divorce don't bad mouth your situation to your child(ren) ever.
Thank you, Dr. Phil, for having a program on this subject. May God Bless you all who are going through losing an alive child(ren) whether it's for a month or years.
(Original Air Date: 12/01/08) Parents try their best to protect their kids and teach them about stranger danger, but what if your child is abducted … and the abductor is the other parent? Zanni and Christine are former sisters-in-law who say their ex-husbands, George and John Silah, vanished and took their children with them. The mothers haven't heard from their sons in months and have no idea where they are. Why do Zanni and Christine wish they trusted their instincts? Don’t miss the warning signs these moms say they recognized too late. The mothers accuse the fathers of shady business practices, and you won't believe what they say they discovered in their ex-husbands' home! The men are wanted for child abduction and there is a $25,000 reward for their capture. Then, David says he was happily married to Bruna and had a 4-year-old son whom he loved dearly. When he dropped them off at the airport in 2004, he never imagined that would be the last time he would see either of them for years. When Bruna arrived in her native Brazil, she called David and told him she wanted a divorce. David, who was devastated by his wife's actions, has fought tirelessly to regain custody of his son. Recently, this story took a tragic turn. Hear from David's attorney and get insight into his case. And, after losing custody of her 14-month-old, Cecilia went on the run and became a fugitive. She says fleeing was her only option, but now that she's been arrested and has served time, would she do it again? Join the discussion.
