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Topic : 12/04 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat, Part 4

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Created on : Wednesday, November 26, 2008, 07:27:18 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Fourteen courageous people spend three days facing Dr. Phil and the reality of their problems, which include addiction, anger, grief and abuse. In part four of Dr. Phil’s retreat, the guests examine their feelings towards their mom and dad and address how who they are today relates to the influence of their parents. Will the participants free themselves from the pain of their past and let go of resentment they say they harbor against their parents? When Kelly is asked what she would say to her father if he were alive, her overwhelming emotions get the best of her. And, Carina delves into her feelings about her abusive stepfather. Is she waiting for an apology that will never come? Plus, Jessica R., who battles with weight and self-image, says she doesn’t feel she deserves to be in the retreat. When Dr. Phil plays a video of her at home, will she realize she’s right where she belongs? Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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December 4, 2008, 1:46 pm CST

12/04 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat, Part 4

Dear Dr Phil

 

Every time I try to let go of the past and forgive my parents my mother does something else to make me remember all the awful things she did to me and brothers and sisters. I want to just let it all go and forgive my mother but she makes it almost impossible. She continues to hurt my family. I would love to tell her how I feel and how the reswt of her kids feel but as soon as somebody says something she doesn't like she runs away or hangs up the phone. Sometimes I think we all would be better off if she just died. I have asked for your help before regarding her and have heard nothing from you. My mother continues to hurt my sisters and I am doing my best to help them but I fear one of my sisters is a lost cause.

 
December 4, 2008, 1:50 pm CST

from an invisible person...........

hello dr phil. i am just shaken right now, and just watched your show. you said write in and tell you my story. so here i am. maybe pretty typical, maybe im crazy. well i was an unwanted child, neglected, abused, and left alone. i am now 39 years old, and i am caring for the people who took my chilhood from me, and left me, and abused me. by caring for i mean just that, i am a 24/7 caregiver for my parents. one is incapable of caring for himself mentally i feel, so i handle all of his responsibilities of a husband, and father etc. the other my mom is brain injured and i am her everything. i do it all for them both. but i ask my self everyday why? ive been doing this for almost 8 years now. why? they never cared for me, they never protected me, my father took my innocence as im sure so many have the same story, my mother abandoned me, and did nothing for me. and now i have given my whole life to their care. what the hell is wrong with me. why am i here, putting myself back in this toxic environment. i dont know!!!!!!!!!!!! i ask myself this everyday, and i can not answer it. this post imk sure will be fragmented cause im being the good daughter and care giver as i do this. you know cleaning the trach, feeding tube etc..

i just dont know why im even her, and why doesnt anyone see me? why am i one of those humans that is disposable and invisible.? even my marriage is a flop. i am married to a good man, but we cant even hold a conversation. he isnt available to me emotionally. i dont exist, as i ssaid unless he has a need. i just dont exist dr phil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am a human just like everyone else reading this, but i dont exist. i am not real. this is not real. it is all fake. nothing is real. my family is so disfunctional that it could not possible be helped. we are beyond and hope of any repair. my brothers and sister are as fucked up as i am. they cant function either. my younger brother has been married twice and divorced twice, 5 kids he never sees, he cant hold a conversation either. older brother is an abuser, 5 kids he isnt allowed to see, an x wife who he has tried to kill a few times. my sister married twice, both defunc marriages, even the one she is in now. she bitches at him all the time and tries to be his mother. she is never happy. she tried to kill me years ago.and her children are screwed up terribly too. my dad: lol. he came from a poor family in the mountains of ky, and he is a horrible abuser. he cares about no one but himself. he abused my mother for years, and now that she cant speak we have to listen to how he was and is such a good husband. i almost want to kill myself every time i see him everyday. i feel sick just by his appearance. literally sick, i want ot go away. when i was a child , i could make myself go somewhere else wqhen he abused me. i left my body. it didnt matter cause i wasnt there. now i see him and i want to do it too but permanently. i just dont want to be around any of my family anymore, but everyday i come to my parents house, that i found and helped them purchase, and look at all of them. everyday. and i go home and am so defunc that i cant even breath, and sometimes i attack my husband. thank god i cant have children. i know i would abuse them. i dont need to be in this pitiful world anymore, but i am to much of a coward to stop my pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i guess i deserve it since i am so weak, ugly, fat, stupid, oh and dont forget a bitch, and dont care about anyone, or anything. i am useless!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you for trying to help people dr phil.

but some of us cant be helped..................

it is to much, to far, not enough time in our lives to fix our demons.

our hurts.

our traumas................

our truths.

love ya dr phil

joanna , a fat 39 yr old childless invisible useless doormat

p.s. im not telling you this for pity, you said you wanted to know.

  so now you do.

 

 
December 4, 2008, 1:54 pm CST

Surviving

I did not realize until today how much I was keeping inside, but today's show let it all out.  I was sexually abuse from around the time I was 5 or 6 (can't remember for sure) by 2 older cousins and it lasted until I moved 1800 miles away at the age of 18, to make matters worst there was the mental abuse, and then at 12 years old someone else in the family started the sexual abuse too.  I thought about killing myself when I was in high school, but a few friends that had gone thru the same thing saw it coming and talked me out of it.  Then I get married to a guy that is into all the "weird sexual stuff", that lasted 9 years.  I am now engaged to a guy 18 years older than me for 8 years now, our relationship is hard, he blames my past for my cold heart and negative opinions on sex.  But to be honest I feel like am a survivor, I am who am because of what happen to me and I can't change that and erase my past.  I push myself at everything I do to be perfect from grades in college to jobs.  The strange thing is I don't turn away from sexual contact, I have to have the attention from every man around me.   I had several affairs when I was married.  I never felt like I needed any kind of help.  But just being able to get it off my chest is enough, I can't talk to anyone about it because no one in my family knows and will never know.  I wish the best for everyone.  You will never forget but you have to learn to forgive and move on when your life.
 
December 4, 2008, 2:24 pm CST

With age comes wisdom

I agree with Dr. Phil's comment today to walk away from the past.  I do believe all of us have "history."  I have learned a lot from what I've been through and I have an autobiography in draft although it may never be published.  Bottom line is that the only value life's miseries have is how they may be used to help others.  The only burden I continue to carry is the guilt of how my kids turned out because of my poor choices.  On the other hand a lot of my poor choices were based on a rocky start with my mother dead when I was 8 of cancer and a mourning father who turned into an emotionally and verbally abusive parent.  He did have a drinking problem but only as a "maintenance drinker" not a ranting raving lunatic.  He was an economist with the government who retired and went into consulting work after marrying his second wife and having 4 more children.  I have been raped, developed love addiction and subsequent drug abuse in my 40s.  At this point in time, I am 11 years clean and serving God in the ministry.  My children suffered a lot of my "chaotic days" bipolar with no meds.  One of my girls was sexually molested by my 3rd husband between ages 4 and 11 at which point I was finally able to have her tell me enough to report it.  I related to many of the people on this show.  I have or have had various issues and feelings related to theirs.  By the way, my last husband - to whom I was married for 15 years - is African American.  I have 4 biracial children.  I have suffered firsthand prejudice in housing and work and also the joys of many cultures in my family.  My grandchildren are all colors of the rainbow!!
 
December 4, 2008, 2:30 pm CST

this show my god

THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DO.BUT WHEN DR.PHIL ASK ABOUT YOUR MOTHER.MY GOD.I ALMOST STARTED TO CRY.MY MOTHER,I HATE MY MOTHER.I HATE HER,I HATE HER,I HATE HER,MY MOTHER ALWAYS WANTED TO GET RID OF ME WHY I DONT KNOW.I WAS ABOUT 4-5- YEARS OLD WHEN THIS STARTED.I WAS ABUSED BIG TIME BY MU MOTHER.SHE USED TO HIT US OVER THE HEAD,ACROSS THE BACK,ANYWHERE SHE COULD HIT US WITH BROOM STICKS.OR WHAT EVER SHE COULD GET HER HANDS ON.WE DID'NT REALLY TO DO ANYTHING TO GET HIT JUST SAY HI MUM.THATS IT.WHAT I LIKE ABOUT MY MUM NOTHING AT ALL.I DONT THINK ANYONE COULD LIKE OR LOVE SOMEONS THAT BEAT THEM ALL TO HELL EVERYDAY.SHE LET MY BROTHERS RAPE US MEANING ME AND MY YOUNGER SISTER.MUM KNEW.I REMEMBER ONE TIME GOING TO HER(MUM) AND SAYING MY BROTHER HAS MY SISTER AND HES GOING TO RAPE HER AGAIN.I GOT SLAPPED ACROSS THE FACE AND SENT TO MY ROOM.AND WAS TOLD DON'T TELL YOUR FATHER OR YOU WILL GET MORE OF WHAT YOU JUST GOT.MOST OF MY CHILDHOOD WAS ABUSE,BEATINGS,NEGLECT.I HATE MY MOTHER TO THIS DAY.MY FATHER I LOVE MY DAD.HES EVERYTHING TO ME.EXCEPT I COULD'NT TELL MY DAD SO HE NEVER KNEW.RIGHT TO HIS DYING DAY.DAD NEVER KNEW ABOUT  MUM HITTING US OOR BEATING US,OR THE RAPES.MY DASD LOVE ALL OF US TILL WE GOT OLDER THEN HE THROUG US AWYA LIKE A PIECE OF GARBAGE.ONCE WE GOT OLDER.DAD DID'NT WANT US ANYMORE.SO I GREW UP THINKING I WAS NO GOOD.AND MY DAD SURE TOLD US THAT LOTS OF TIMES WHEN WE GOT OLDER.IM SORRY I CAN'T TYPE ANYMORE.ALL I REMEMBER IS ALL THE SEXUAL ABUSE AND THE BEATINGS AND NOT BEING WANTED.IT HURTS I DONT TRUST MEN I DONT THINK I TRUST MYSELF AT TIMES

 

                                                      CUDDLES05

P.S. THERE A LOT MORE TO THIS STORY BUT IM DONE SORRY

 
December 4, 2008, 2:56 pm CST

The Slate of my Life

Today I watched as Dr. Phil accurately explained how a woman gave up on the child that she was because she bought into the criticisms levied on her by other children.  I then began wondering how my molestation experience caused me to give up on the kid I was.

 

What I’m saying is, I’ve been going through my life trying not to think of that hellish night when my Boy Scout Master molested me, hoping that the experience hasn’t affected me at all.  I’m afraid however that I might be sadly mistaken.  This show has forced me to look more closely at my own past and moved me to consider how that past has influenced who I’ve become despite my unwillingness to acknowledge it.  

 

It’s one thing to concede that night was a major tide changing event in my life, but knowing how to cancel out the ripple effects in my life is another thing altogether.

 

 

 
December 4, 2008, 3:28 pm CST

Dr Phil's get real retreat ,part 4

I can totally relate to Jessica- I started out being molested by my grandfather from the age of 5-12. But my father always told me how fat, ugly,stupid,and gay I was because I didn't date in high school. He also told me he wanted me to marry someone in Bangore Maine because it was the furthest on the map. My father was in the navy so we moved and had very friends. SO what happened, I married the first person who paid any attention to me, and now 36 years later we are both miserable. To this day I look in the mirrior and see someone who is ugly and fat. It doesnt matter how much I weigh or what I look like MY mind is my mirror . 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
December 4, 2008, 3:47 pm CST

Get Real Retreat

I have been watching the get retreat and I can relate to several of the stories. My parents were alcoholics and my father had a terrible temper. My first memory was as a toddler seeing him go after our cat with a hammer because she had scratched the neighbor girl who was playing with her kittens.  As a small child I was molested by their best friends son who turned out to be the prime suspect in a disappearence and murder of a little who looked like me and was the same as me when he did it. The only witness disappeared from the area and last I knew the case was still unsolved. He molested me until I was out of high school and stalked me while I was in college. I was also molested by a sibling for several years.  I grew up to have terrible anger problems which have gotten better. I have confronted the sibling who molested me and we have resolved the issues and I have come to terms with them. I have been in therapy several times and still can not seem to let go of the abuse by the other person. I know he's still molesting children and I've talked with police and they say my information is just heresay and won't hold up in court. I don't have a lot of memories from my childhood and I still get flashbacks and anxiety about the abuse.  I just can't seem to let it go and I think it's because I know in my soul he's still abusing kids. His mom knew what he was doing and never did anything to stop him. She asked me the night it began if he'd touched me. I never told my parents and they died not knowing about any of the abuse I went through. I still think of myself as a survivor and not a victim but I still go through bouts of depression and have to take meds.  I want it to be over for good but I don't know what to do for that to happen.  I was also abused by my first husband for a few years of our marriage, came very close to becoming alcoholic myself and my entire family has problems relating and letting go of problems that have torn us all apart.  My first husband died and the second helped himself to money from my kid's death benefits. I like to think I have myself together but I doubt myself all the time, lack confidence in my professional abilities and just wish I could finally be happy. Every relationship I've ever had has been dysfunctional. It just seems to never end............so many issues to resolve and it seems like I can't find a way to work them all out so I'm not plagued by bad memories.
 
December 4, 2008, 4:16 pm CST

12/04 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat, Part 4

Thank you for all you do, I have watched all of the shows and can relate to all of the guests. I also was abused, told I was worthless, and also was a mistake and a burden by my father. I have kept all of these feelings bottled up and felt like he was right until a few weeks ago. I realized HE was the one with the problem and I am SO WORTHY OF EVERYTHING! I am a good person and live a good life, have a wonderful husband, kids and a fabulous Grandson ( he's 1 yr old). Since I let all of the guilt and bad feelings go I feel so much better, yea it was hard but I am a better person and my friends ask me all of the time.............what did you do?? I smile all of the time and my husband loves my new outlook. Thanks for all you do !!!! Give Robin a hug too!!
 
December 4, 2008, 4:23 pm CST

Choice

  • ...isn't that what it comes down to?
It seems most people have horrific experiences that define their pain. Most  trauma's occur beyond our control. Isn't it what we do with those memories/experiences/events that truly define our character? Is it not how we choose to respond?

I can rela
te to many of  the participants as I've experienced much of what they have experienced.
 
This is where I'm at after having my past almost consume me...Regret are illuminations that have come too late.I have to make a choice to choose better for myself and its a process of trial and error but it's a journey, right? You can't get off the ride till the train pulls in the station. ..

Too bad life isn't a dress rehearsal though, there's a lot of scenery I missed out on focusing on the poor conditions of the car I was in and the whole time I had provisions within myself, that I had to learn to draw from, thus allowing myself to enjoy my journey. I'm on the same train, but I figured out a way to find a better car to ride in: one less exposed to the elements...so I can take in the beauty of it all.

I admire the participants, their bravery and honesty. It' s hard enough to look into a mirror and see ourselves, than to look into a camera and have the world look back-in support and compassion and empathy-right back at  you!

Best Regards from one of many in support,

VA
 
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