Topic : 07/03 School Discipline: Out of Control?

I will try not to be confusing, but I am leaving out specific names to protect identities of those involved.

I have a daughter who is currently preparing to enter 5th grade. She had a really rough start at school, as she was bullied throughout Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade. It got so bad in 2nd grade, that the school asked my mother to come monitor recesses (I deal with depression, and felt my anger at seeing my child hurt would be detrimental to the situation.) On one occasion, a group of children came out after lunch and were gathered around a child who was hunkered down to the ground as if she were doing a tornado drill, but without the desk. These children were poking, prodding, kicking, and mimicking the child on the ground to try to make her angry enough to lash out so she would find herself in trouble with the playground monitors and principal yet again. My mom happened to be on lunch playground duty that day, and while none of the other teachers did a thing to see what was happening, my mother walked over to the girls and asked what they were doing. They laughed and said something to the effect of “we’re trying to make her mad so she’ll get in trouble.” Mom simply told them they needed to find something else to do. It wasn’t until the children (this has been 3 years ago, so I forget if it was 4 or 5 children) left that my mother noticed it was her granddaughter on the ground, in tears. Mom told me that the look of relief when she looked up and saw grandma there was just beyond explanation. So, my mom found a bench and sat with her the rest of recess.

Up to this point, mom and I had visited the Principal’s office on several occasions. At first, we were told to instruct her to go tell a teacher, the principal, or the counselor if she was being picked on, and were ultimately told that my daughter was instigating these situations because no one thought her “complaints” were worthy of, as her first teacher put it, “tattling”. However, my mom clearly saw my daughter was NOT the instigator, and that being bullied made the most sense for what was making my daughter wake in the middle of the night with nightmares and sleepwalking because she was stressed beyond her coping point. We even had the Principal change teachers after first term; however, she could not escape her first teacher because each grade’s teacher is responsible for monitoring their recesses. Mom suspects that the first teacher was told to leave the playground if she saw mom there because she always turned around and went back inside when she spotted her. I also observed at our school Thanksgiving lunch that the same little girl who kept picking on her in her first classroom ran straight to her and grabbed her by both arms and yelled, “Let’s play chase!” I looked the little girl straight in the eye and told her she knew that was against the rules and I did not appreciate her trying to involve my daughter in breaking the rules, and with that, the girl went her own way and played elsewhere.

This went on all year. Finally, a couple of weeks before the end of school, my daughter was being spit on by the same children who had her huddled on the ground earlier in the year. Thanks to an Elmo movie, she knows the difference between blowing raspberries and actually spitting. She, unfortunately only had the first teacher she’d had that year on the playground to report to. She was told to go away and quit tattling. What is a girl in second grade supposed to do when the teacher won’t listen or help? She did the next best thing, and when the little girl came and spit on her again, my daughter elbowed her in the stomach and was immediately written up and sent to the Principal’s office with a note that she instigated a fight for unknown reasons… despite the fact she went to the teacher FIRST to ask for help! I was so angry that words just couldn’t express it. My mom and I found ourselves in the Principal’s office again, and demanded that the other girls also be talked to because we felt very strongly that my daughter was being singled out.

It took me 2 weeks to write the teacher a letter because I was so upset. I went the day before the last day of school and provided her with a copy as well as one for the teacher, and asked that it be given to her after classes were dismissed for the last day of school.

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The letter read as follows (again, not providing identifying names): Please note as you read this that I have a BS in Psychology, and graduated with honors, then proceeded to take the majority of the classes needed for a Master’s in Counseling. When I felt I did not want to take that direction, I did obtain my Master of Business Administration, but as mentioned above, I have issues with depression, and found myself on disability shortly before finishing my final class. My point it, that I do have at least an educational background, and minimal hands-on experience working in the Psychology profession, so I am not approaching this with no prior knowledge of how to both approach this situation from a psychological AND business perspective.

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Mrs. First Teacher,

I have sought counseling with a licensed psychologist over the situation with my daughter and was advised to communicate directly with you. After a great deal of consideration, I have decided to do so, and bring up some of the issues she suggested. I know this situation effects me a lot emotionally, and I will try to communicate as calmly and rationally as I can here.

First and foremost, please explain to me your definition of tattling. When my daughter approached you on Friday, May 4th, to ask for your help because she was being picked on and needed your help, she was told to go away because she was tattling. The Webster dictionary defines tattling as “to utter or disclose in gossip or chatter” or as “idle talk”, neither of which fits what my daughter was trying to do the day she came to you for help. Since she could not rely on you to help her, please explain to me how she was supposed to react and handle her situation without resorting to the only way she knew to get the girls to leave her alone since she had already tried the route that Mrs. Principal, Mrs. Counselor, her grandmother, and myself have repeatedly reminded her to use: Go to the teachers for help if someone is picking on you, and they will help. That day, you failed my child, and then punished her for your shortcomings in a situation that should have never happened if you had taken a moment to listen to her and resolve the situation before it escalated to her feeling so helpless she had to defend herself. Just because you don’t physically see or hear the other girls does not mean my daughter is making it up. The other girls are making sure the teachers are out of earshot when they are tormenting her. The School handbook states in the Welcome section that “We will try to provide a safe and successful learning experience for our students.” My daughter isn’t safe at school right now.

I didn’t know whether to cry or be outraged when I dropped her off at school on Monday, May 7. As we were turning into the parking lot, she turned to look at me, and in a low voice, she said, “Mom, I don’t trust my teachers.” I asked her why, and her reply was that they didn’t listen to her and keep her safe. All I could do was look at her and tell her we were going to be praying that the situation would change, and that grandma and I would ask Mrs. Principal about it.

My daughter is at a point where she hates going to school. She looks for reasons not to go. She got very upset and cried when I wouldn’t let her stay home on my birthday (April 30th). Something is very wrong when a child hates school so much when she’s only in second grade. I see the hopelessness, helplessness, and frustration in her when she comes home from school crying almost every day.

I firmly believe a statement from Dr. Phil McGraw: “If you are not a part of the solution, then you are a part of the problem.” I am asking and expecting you to step up and be a part of the solution here, not only for the sake of my child, but for the sake of all the children who face similar situations now and in the future. The decision to dismiss a child who is asking for your help as being a tattle tale, whether one time or repeatedly, as in my daughter’s case, has lifelong implications, not just daylong implications. Some of these can include lifelong battles with either internalizing what they experience daily (expressed as low self esteem, depression, anxiety, etc) or externalizing them (expressed as aggression because of feeling no one else will protect them). (Reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_rejection). Please stop and think about this the next time a child reaches out to you for help. You act as their lifeline and safety net when they are away from home and do not have their parents to directly protect them. Again, I am asking you to step up and take this part of your job seriously.

Sincerely seeking your assistance on this matter,

Teri

Mother of My Daughter

 Hello Shelly 80

 Thank you very much for the respont on my question . It was nice of you, and it helped me a littel bite. The reason  I am asking, is because the show you see in Denmark today is four months old, it is from a tv canal called tv 3 viasat.

Love Brian, Kolding Denmark

I have been a school counselor for more than 10 years.  Because I have worked with and listened to such a large number of bullied students, I feel that I can tell you first hand, "As a parent, teacher, or administrator, never, repeat never, underestimate the damage that bullying does."  The immediate and long-term effects can be something that one never gets over."  Because of this, as a school counselor, I feel it is my responsibility (as well as every other faculty and staff member) to insure that students are physically and emotionally safe at all times.  The very first week of school whether it be elementary, middle or high school, I go into every classroom and tell the students this:  "You have the right to be in this building, walk down these halls, and be in our classrooms without ANYTHING uncomfortable being said or done to you, and  I stand behind that 100 percent!  If you come to me with a problem, I promise you, I will make sure it stops."  You would be shocked how many students come to me for help right after that and say, "I could tell if I told you, you were serious about doing something about it."

When my last principal had any parents come to him concerned about their student being bullied, the principal would  turn it over to me.  The parent would usually say something like, "I know there probably isn't anything the school can really do to stop this. . ."  I reply that we can and it will be stopped before their student goes to lunch today, and for them to call back by then if they would like to make sure.

Physical and emotional bullying can be stopped.  It takes a lot of networking, building trust and relationships with students, and being able to effectively and positively communicate with all students, bullied or bully.  School staff with the right skills and professionalism can make schools a safe place for our children, and shouldn't it just be a given that you can trust the safety of your child's education?