Topic : 06/10 Marriage Crisis: Drowning in Debt

What I didn't read was how long you two dated before you decided to get married.  Step children are the death of many relationships/marriages.  If you had a long courtship and saw that your husband wasn't teaching his children values and responsibility and you married him any way, why scratch your head now?  As Dr. Phil has said many times, people talk about a lot of things before they get married, but not about the things that will make a difference in their marriage, IE children, finances, credit status etc.  It's different strokes for different fokes, but if I married someone later in life, someone that had their own income, assets and debt, I would want to keep that separated from my own.  It seems what you two should have discussed was how much each would contribute monthly to the common living expenses.  If you agreed to help support his children, then good, that's what you do.  If you decided that you wouldn't help support his children, then great, don't do it.  But at least there's an understanding going into the marriage.  Personally, I prefer that the most responsible person be responsible for paying the bills each month.  The other person's responsibility is to simply provide their agreed upon amount each month to those common expenses.  Both individuals would then be responsible for paying bills that are specifically theirs from their own maintained accounts.  For instance, if you want to have you hair cut and colored, that comes from your income, your account.  You don't have the funds, you don't get the haircut and color.  I am also not a big fan of older couples opening a lot of joint credit accounts or lines of credit.  I believe you hope for the best, but plan for the worse.  If love ever leaves a marriage, all that's left is the business of distributing the remaining assets of that business.  I know that may sound cold, but it's a reality of life, love and marriage.

I am curious about your indication that you don't work.  Your husband agreed to you staying at home and not contributing to your own survival?  I don't know too many adults that get a free ride through life.  I wonder how many men can look forward to marrying a woman that will allow them to stay home and not provide towards the monthly maintenance of both?  I suppose with you not contributing financially, your husband figures you really have no room to talk about him supporting his own children.  Addressing these subjects after you're married is akin to closing that barn door after the horse had already gotten out.  If you can't come to some agreement now, what's the alternative?  All of this should have been dealt with before you got married, that way you would have known whether to say, "I do" or keep on walking.   

I don't want to seem unfeeling, but the first thing you need to do is not drink and drive.  Seriously.  I feel very sorry for people who become alcoholics and can't stop drinking.  I don't feel a bit sorry for people who drink and then get behind the wheel of a car.  Period.

Second.  Tell your doctor that the drugs make you sick and get different drugs.  That will help with the depression/bipolar disorder.

Third.  Get some counseling for the rape and the childhood abuse.

Fourth. Go to Alcoholic Anonymous, at least one meeting every day, without fail.  If you are able to stop drinking you will have a lot more money and that will help financially.

To Whom ever:

I watched an episode today on Marriage Crisis due to the economic down fall, and I felt compelled to share my story to those of you who are going through the same thing.

Let me start of by telling you that I am a resident in Las Vegas and Happily Married with one beautiful daughter and 7 months pregnant with a son. Times should be joyious. Well recently My work has neglected to provide me with hours and have been forced to go on my maturnity leave early, and my husband just recently got a job with a security company, after being unemployed for about three months. While my husband was unemployed we weren't eligible for unemployment insurance and only was able to recieve food stamps and insurance through well-fare due to the fact that I am pregnant. While he was unemployed I couldn't keep up with our bills electricity was shut off once and we are on the verge of loosing our car. We can no longer live in the condo we rent, simply because we can't afford it any more. SO , we are forced to give it up. I have been packing for the past few weeks and the kids and myself will be living with my parents. Due to the fact that my parents don't like Chris (my Husband) he is forced to move out of state with some friends of ours. So our family is on it's way to being seperated. After the baby is born i planned on continuing with my college, but that only means more time away from my husband and more time away he will have to bear away from his kids. For the past 2 years I have been struggling with Idenity Theft, financial lows and more lows. And we recently discovered that my grandfather suffers from lung cancer and there is no chance of curring it. My parents are so disgusted with my husband that they constantly nag for me to get a divorce, and I am now going to be taking care of two kids by my self. My husband is a loving father and caring spouse we have are arguments but never forget the love we share with eachother, and that is important for all of you. NEVER FORGET YOUR LOVE. TImes are hard, I know but it is how we deal with them that make them not as hard as they seem. For the past 4 months I have been depressed and stressed and disapointed in the way things are with money and a soon forced seperation with my family. and I worry that we will be seperated for so long that we may loose eachother along the way and never join hands again as a united front. My husband suffers from depression and a learning disorder and I can only pray and hope he find the strength to hold on, As i hope that all of you can find that same strength...

I cannot believe you asked that question!!!  You made it sound like a perfectly reasonable and logical solution.  No big deal.  WRONG!  When someone files for bankruptcy, the debt doesn't just disappear into a black hole.  We all pay.  I work hard, spend carefully and give generously.  Suggesting  bankruptcy when the couple has a reasonable income and no young children who may go hungry just gets on my last nerve.

Debt Doctor Drowning Criss Marriage Phil. Where did I see before? Now I remember. It was last year. S----

ee you on Thursday Feburary 19th, 2009. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.---------------------------------------

Crisis Debt Doctor Drowning In Marriage Phil/Robin. I have heard drowing in water but Inever though that--

it would happen to peoples of the United States of America drowning in dept. See you on June 10th, 2009-

Wednesday. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

As often happens in my life, God shows up and provides me with information and resources at the time I need them.  Case in point, Dr. Phil's show today, Wednesday, June 10, 2009.   I am steep in debt as I do what so many are doing - robbing Peters' to pay Pauls'.  Yes, plural. 

I really felt for Chris & Pam.  I could see Pam's point of view with years of talking, trying and finally just giving up.  And Chris, very insecure and stuffing his emotions inside to his detriment, to their detriment.

I divorced my first husband, whom I loved very much, because of his inability to take finances seriously and responsibly.  When we married, I had no idea that he hadn't paid his income taxes for the past seven years.  He was a self-employed painting contractor.  At 24, it didn't dawn on me that I needed to ask financial questions of someone I was falling in love with and wanted to marry.  Then the Federal and State notices came requesting payment for the thousands of dollars he owed and that I now was responsible for due to our marriage.  Too young, not making enough of money, with a new baby, I was scared, so I separated immediately and promptly informed the agencies of our separation.  For me, this was a good decision.

Now, I'm afraid that my husband might just give up on me due to my finance task-avoidance personality.  I feel that I'm ready to grab hold of this character flaw that I've developed.  I own it and know that I can only blame myself.  My husband is super diligent about his finances and he is always trying to guide me and he does it with such patience and love.  I am lucky. 

Seeing this show, pushes me to try even harder.  I know we can get out of debt.  I just need to crack down on myself and create my plan.  I'm in action - thank you Dr. Phil.