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Topic : 12/11 Relationship Reality Check

Number of Replies: 118
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Created on : Friday, December 05, 2008, 12:50:02 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Marriage is supposed to be about compromise, but what happens when one partner says, "It's my way or the highway"? Newlyweds Matthew and Lianna have been married for just three months and are already at odds about Lianna’s passion for her very unusual hobby. After a heart-to-heart on their honeymoon, Matthew says he thought they had come to a compromise, but Lianna says Matthew is squashing her dreams. Find out why Matthew says he didn’t sign up to be married to a “gay man in a woman’s body,” and how married life, for this couple, is turning into a real drag. Then, Shawna and John have been together for 13 years and share three children. Shawna says she still wants to be married to John … just not right now! You won’t believe her shocking plan for a marital sabbatical, and neither does John. How will he react when he hears the news for the first time? When Dr. Phil gives these relationships a reality check, will their mismatched expectations cause them to break their vows? Speak out!

Find out what happened on the show.

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December 17, 2008, 2:11 pm CST

You are a good daughter

Quote From: feliciousnis

I'd like to say in reguards to the women who i believed reffered to my mother as "a used up bar fly"

Well thats easily done sitting behind a computer, concealing your face . I takes courage to do what she did , and quite honestly your imature name calling is unneeded . Thats not what the show is about .

My mother is beautiful .

It's also easy to lable someone as an "alcoholic" when you dont even know them .

There are always two sides to every story, and just because thats what John said, doesnt make it true.

So before you choose to jump on his ban-wagon know that there were a lot of aspects left out of the show envolving the intensity of his anger, and the severity of his need to be in control at all times.

My mom (Shawna) is a great mother , and the idea of John raising the children is the most unrealistic thing i've heard. She is not out bar hopping every weekend and as for her "unsuitable" friends, she wants to believe that everyone has a good side to them. She can be too trusting.

I'd also like to recall the fact that they BOTH have made mistakes in ther marriage, including unfaithfulness . Not just her . He is not the victim .

So before anyone goes off and places judgement on someone they do not know, think twice .

Reguardless  if you think he's  "extremely handsome" or "deseverves better"  and that you would "love and cherish him as a husband" He doesnt want you, he's with the one he wants and he's sure of it. Back off .

BOTTOM LINE: people go on the show to get solutions and receieve help, not to be ripped to shreads .

 

 

I love you mom, and no matter what i know the real you <333

 

I know your Mother, we have spoken hundreds of times on the phone over the last three years, she talks of you and your siblings with pride and love.  

In all the times that I have called her, often several days in a row I never once found her to be under the influence of anything except her love for her children, John and the horses.   Most times when we spoke I could hear your young sister chatting away in the background...  never once did I call to find her at a bar or out partying.  She is a caring, giving person who has had so much bad luck in the last few years and needs support and love.  I am so happy that you are there for her.

I hope that she and John ca work out their life together, as it seems to me that they do both love each other.

I believe that I am the friend that she wanted to live by in MN for a while, and I can only describe myself as a maternal 53 year old with a bunch of kids and grandkids, my idea of partying is having all the family over, in fact I guess I am rather boring, and Shawna knows that... so I really don't think she was looking for the wild life here, just time to unwind and take a chance to breath.
 
December 17, 2008, 8:34 pm CST

Huh?

Quote From: tosatel

I didn't know we were making a deal.

 

Concede or don't concede.  He overtly stated his homphobia.  Were he not such a bigot he'd accompany his wife and have a good time with some nice people.

 

You write:

 

"That doesn't warrant his persecution.  His homophobia was not offfensive to me because he said enough to assure me he isn't hateful of gay people directly IMO."

 

Listen,  if Matthew's only complaint is this one he'd better get with it.  He's hardly "persecuted".  He's a moping baby.  He said "I'm not comfortable with that lifestyle.  I'm more traditional."

 

Hell.  I'm a gay man and I'm traditional.   Matthew's head's buried in the sand.  If he has a personality he'd better get with it and show it.  He has nothing to fear with Lianna's drag indulgence nor with her associating with gay people.

 

Perhaps Matthew (though I doubt it)  belongs to a Country Club where he enjoys golfing with his buddies and having a few too many at the 19th hole..  who knows.

 

Much ado about nothing.

The last line of your reply to me was, "Make a deal with ya?"  ...

 

You come across as more hostile than he does.  To call him a 'bigot' is hostile on your part.  He DID acknowledge his homophobia, which in my opinion deserves more credit than had he not.   He presents as fearing gay people, not hating them - that doesn't make him a bigot.   You should practice some more of the tolerance / acceptance you preach.

 

You're assuming the people she goes out with are nice.  They may not be.

 

"He's a moping baby."  Hostile.  He's got some legitimate responsibilities on his mind... his declining marraige, the children he supports THAT AREN'T EVEN HIS. 

 

You can't just tell someone they need to "get with it" or that they have "nothing to fear."  Not everybody is born with knowledge and acceptance of different people and thus automatically at fault if they struggle with understanding.  But by your responses, I would not want you to be the chosen gay ambassador to enlighten him as to how he should not fear gay people.  To change people you need to meet them where they are, not where you expect they should be.  What I want to know is, to what lengths have the drag queens gone to try to get to know him or be inviting to him.  That would be very telling as to how justified his homophobia is at present. 

 

I think the comparison to a husband going out for drinks with his buddies is not a good one, because in most acceptable arrangements, the wife at least knows the buddies with whom the husband is going out and thus has a certain comfort level with it.  In this situation, it seems like the husband doesn't know the drag queens, which brings us back to... how much have they tried to include him.  You might say, well it's his fault for not joining the wife, but if her scene is not inviting of him, nobody would want to go where they feel uninvited.

 

Final thought: your chief complaint about the husband seems to be how many assumptions he makes about gay people and/or drag queens, thus affording him the label of 'bigot.'  Think about how many assumptions you have made about him in all of your responses.

 
December 18, 2008, 5:03 pm CST

12/11 Relationship Reality Check

I think Matthew was an idiot. If my husband had asked me to give up
something that makes me happy I would never have married him. If he had
made some of the stupid remarks about any group of people I would
not have married him. Has  Matthew grown up under a rock? Where does he
get these stupid ideas about gay people? I wonder if the thinks Jewish
people have tails too. Idiocy does not have to be fatal if he is
willing to grow up and be educated. Aside from that, how dare he ask
his wife to give up something she loves. Homophobic misogynist? Well,
maybe not quite a misogynist, but a definite chauvinist. I guess in his world the little woman
belongs in the kitchen nicely decorated by a gay man.
 
December 19, 2008, 10:05 am CST

the word "deal" was rhetorical

Quote From: birddream

The last line of your reply to me was, "Make a deal with ya?"  ...

 

You come across as more hostile than he does.  To call him a 'bigot' is hostile on your part.  He DID acknowledge his homophobia, which in my opinion deserves more credit than had he not.   He presents as fearing gay people, not hating them - that doesn't make him a bigot.   You should practice some more of the tolerance / acceptance you preach.

 

You're assuming the people she goes out with are nice.  They may not be.

 

"He's a moping baby."  Hostile.  He's got some legitimate responsibilities on his mind... his declining marraige, the children he supports THAT AREN'T EVEN HIS. 

 

You can't just tell someone they need to "get with it" or that they have "nothing to fear."  Not everybody is born with knowledge and acceptance of different people and thus automatically at fault if they struggle with understanding.  But by your responses, I would not want you to be the chosen gay ambassador to enlighten him as to how he should not fear gay people.  To change people you need to meet them where they are, not where you expect they should be.  What I want to know is, to what lengths have the drag queens gone to try to get to know him or be inviting to him.  That would be very telling as to how justified his homophobia is at present. 

 

I think the comparison to a husband going out for drinks with his buddies is not a good one, because in most acceptable arrangements, the wife at least knows the buddies with whom the husband is going out and thus has a certain comfort level with it.  In this situation, it seems like the husband doesn't know the drag queens, which brings us back to... how much have they tried to include him.  You might say, well it's his fault for not joining the wife, but if her scene is not inviting of him, nobody would want to go where they feel uninvited.

 

Final thought: your chief complaint about the husband seems to be how many assumptions he makes about gay people and/or drag queens, thus affording him the label of 'bigot.'  Think about how many assumptions you have made about him in all of your responses.

I didn't need to make assumptions about him.   He's his own best advocate ...

 

His (thanks effy) chauvinism (if not mysogyny) was precisely as effy describes it.  (Reread her post.. she nails it and him)   I'll not waste another post on discreditiny your imbalance of the sexes.

 

I'll chip in for her Betty Crocker apron for an Oh-So-Merry-Christmas.

 

It's time someone took the reigns away from heterosexual men.   PRONTO.

 
December 19, 2008, 1:53 pm CST

12/11 Relationship Reality Check

Quote From: tmark

 Dr. Phil -There have been several times I've disagreed with your response to issues portrayed, but never bothered to write you about them.  I TOTALLY disagree with your handling of the couple's issue on todays show re the wife (of 3 months) who chooses to cross-dress as a gay man in drag.  It's so not normal - would you have responded the same way had the husband had a "hobby" of dressing as a transvestite and going out?  He was a truly nice guy and you made him feel he was being ridiculous for reacting the way he did.  He was totally within his rights.  That was wrong on so many levels.  First of all, there IS an expense that goes along with this "hobby" - as a female I can tell you make-up is not cheap, nor are the clothes she dresses up in.  Secondly, children like to emanate their parents (you KNOW that), so she opens the door to her son/daughter taking up the same (bizarre) "hobby" - exposing them to ridicule from their peers - NOT acceptable. Thirdly, he (husband) had every right to expect a "normal" marriage, this is not.  He is supporting her and her children, he deserves to be proud of his wife in public - you shamed him into thinking there was nothing wrong with her behavior (that HE was the one with the problem)- you were totally off base.  How would you feel if Robin had such a "hobby"?  Or your sons?  Or better yet, how would you like it if your daughter-in-law had the same practice?  I am sooooo diappointed in your attitude on this one.
I agree!!!  Dr. Phil, What could you have been thinking?  Matt I'd get out of this ASAP...
 
December 19, 2008, 7:12 pm CST

Oh Jeez...

Quote From: tosatel

I didn't need to make assumptions about him.   He's his own best advocate ...

 

His (thanks effy) chauvinism (if not mysogyny) was precisely as effy describes it.  (Reread her post.. she nails it and him)   I'll not waste another post on discreditiny your imbalance of the sexes.

 

I'll chip in for her Betty Crocker apron for an Oh-So-Merry-Christmas.

 

It's time someone took the reigns away from heterosexual men.   PRONTO.

Insecurity at its best (or worst)
 
December 19, 2008, 8:29 pm CST

12/11 Relationship Reality Check

Quote From: birddream

Insecurity at its best (or worst)
It does indeed beg the question as to why you are so insecure. Anything you would like to discuss? I'm a very good active listener. You know what they say, admission is the first step.
 
February 13, 2009, 10:56 am CST

12/11 Relationship Reality Check

Quote From: futilewoutjc

Honey, you have someone on your side who will never leave you or forsake you.  It doesn't matter how dark and lonely your day may seem, there is ALWAYS one who cares - it's the Lord!  He loved you so much that he saw to it you had life, and he is still sustaining it!  There is nothing that Lord can't do, even when it seems you're completely on the road to destruction, He loves you sooooooo much, He would never want you to take your own life.  He has blessed you with wonderful children that love you and need you, even if they don't always seem like it.  You also have a husband in your life -  even though things might not be what you hoped they would, that is still a relationship you can engage in and improve.  You are the Lord's child, and all He requires for you is to cry out to him, he'll ALWAYS hear you.  God can overcome any health problem you might have - OCD, bipolar, etc.  NOTHING is to too big for God, HE created the world!  I'm not sure if this message even matters, and even though I don't know you, I care for you, and am praying that you'll feel the peace and comfort that only God can give.  Hang in there sister, I know you can do it!  Blessing to you!

 

Ivy

your message did matter to me . I want to thank you for taking the time to respond, and pray for me . i am happy to report i have a better outlook  on life now  and thigs are improving . thank you so much
 
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