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Topic : 12/11 Relationship Reality Check

Number of Replies: 118
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Created on : Friday, December 05, 2008, 12:50:02 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Marriage is supposed to be about compromise, but what happens when one partner says, "It's my way or the highway"? Newlyweds Matthew and Lianna have been married for just three months and are already at odds about Lianna’s passion for her very unusual hobby. After a heart-to-heart on their honeymoon, Matthew says he thought they had come to a compromise, but Lianna says Matthew is squashing her dreams. Find out why Matthew says he didn’t sign up to be married to a “gay man in a woman’s body,” and how married life, for this couple, is turning into a real drag. Then, Shawna and John have been together for 13 years and share three children. Shawna says she still wants to be married to John … just not right now! You won’t believe her shocking plan for a marital sabbatical, and neither does John. How will he react when he hears the news for the first time? When Dr. Phil gives these relationships a reality check, will their mismatched expectations cause them to break their vows? Speak out!

Find out what happened on the show.

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December 11, 2008, 1:09 pm CST

What has happened to Dr. Phil?

Today's show about a man who isn't happy with his wife's hobby of Drag Dressing stunned me.  Not because of her choice of entertainment, but because Dr. Phil's cavalier attitude and stance her hobby would result in zero ramnifications for her three children!  And wow, did he lay it on the poor guy.  I frankly wouldn't have been surprised to see him coronate her!  What about her husband's view?  He seemed for more protective of her children's position in this. Having been very happily married for 34 years, I can tell you two things for sure: #1: Honor the sanctity of marriage.  If something you choose to do would truly displease your spouse, weigh that choice against your own desire, and if you're at a stalemate refer to #2, which is: Choose what's best for the children.  This is not a glib cliche, but rather a way of truly honoring yours and your children's feelings. Let them know your thought process, and how you came to your decision. This teaches them by example the importance of mutual and thoughtful respect for one another and for them.  Finally, Dr. Phil, I would so love it if you watched this episode.  I know you're a proud man, and a just one, and I believe you would have the moxie to see your advice was not balanced.  If you did this, that would give you another opportunity to reveal my #3 sure thing:  A good example of the wisdom in "changing your mind, and actually admitting your take on that situation wasn't fully considered or balanced."Too often people see that admission as a weakness rather than the strong committment to be honest with yourself and the ones you love. I see this as a great opportunity, for I can assure you, I am not alone in this assessment.   I am still stunned...
 
December 11, 2008, 1:21 pm CST

taking a break

I watched this episode of the couple who has gone through so much and she now wants to take a break and could so relate.  A few months back I had enough and didn't want to work at my 15 year marriage even though technically he didn't do anything wrong besides the normal everyday living annoyances.  I got sick 5 going on 6 years ago and have been unable to resume a normal life (work, sports, playing with my kids, etc).  i had to find new ways to amuse myself but once I realized I would never be the same person as I once was I didn't deal with it very well.  I ended up seeking therapy and medication for depression and though I still struggle I do a lot better handling my depression.   This woman has had to endure a lot being diagnosed and having medical problems as well as losing her occupation that she loves.  He will never understand the despair that can bring because unless you experience it yourself you just cant.  She needs him to support any activity (non destructive ie drinking) that he can and if that means finding a way for her to work with horses then he should do everything in his power to help her achieve this.  You can not know how important having my dogs are to me and if my husband would have  blocked that I would not have been able to stay.  They were the only thing I felt I had left and I am sure that she feels the same way about her horses.  Your children will grow up move away and develop a life of their own she needs something that is just for her. When you are facing death in any way you just want to have something that is important to only you (sometimes a person just can't give that to you) so that you feel alive and worthwhile.  She wants to take a break from everything because it is the only way she thinks she will be able to find herself.  Until he can understand that they can not work this out.  He is probably feeling powerless to help her and when she got sick he couldn't cure it so instead he tightened control of what she does because he couldnt control her illness. She needs to understand that he doesn't know how scared and alone she feels and how desperately she is trying to find something that grounds her.  I know I had a  hard time understanding why my husband just didnt get it.  He couldn't know how I felt if I didn't tell him and neither can her husband.  They need each other and hopefully they will each be able  to let go of the past and look forward to the future no matter what it brings.  Support each other in your lives because it is all to short and you dont want to live with a regret that it could have changed.  Let a little of your pride go and if she is able to find a way to channel her feelings ie. horses she might be able to get rid of alcohol as a numbing agent.
 
December 11, 2008, 1:51 pm CST

Why get married in the first place?

       I don't fault the husband (of the lady who wants to dress like a drag queen) with his disappointment.  And, I don't fault the wife who finds this "hobby" as something she is not willing to give up.  What I get upset about is WHY DID THEY MARRY IN THE FIRST PLACE?   This problem was there before they got married.  Bringing it up on the honeymoon was the wrong time to discuss this!

     If he knew that this was a hobby that she was not about to give up, then he should not have married her. If she knew that she found nothing wrong with dressing up and frequenting drag queen bars and she knew that he was conservative and would not ever be comfortable with this...then she should not have married him.

    So many times, when young couples are dating, they think they can change their loved one once they are married.  The best advice my mother ever gave me was, "That man you are about to marry....take a good look at him.  If there are things you can't tolerate about him, they won't go away just because you love each other.  What you see is what you get.  Make sure that you can ignore or tolerate those little idiosyncracies because you will live with them the rest of your life.  DO NOT think you can change your spouse, given time and effort."

     My husband and I almost didn't marry because of a very important issue that we disagreed about.  Even though we were engaged, I knew that if the issue presented itself in our marriage (and I believe in Murphy's Law...what can go wrong, will go wrong!), I knew this was an issue that could be a marriage breaker.  My husband and I attend counseling sessions with our pastor and we were finally able to come to an agreement that we both could live with, if the issue ever came up.

     So, while Dr. Phil may be right that there is nothing wrong with "dressing up", this should have been brought up and dealt with BEFORE they 'tied the knot".  The  husband also should have let his wife know that he came from a conservative background and that her "hobby" was just not something he could live with.  There's nothing wrong with that, either!  All of this could have been a moot point if they'd just sat down and had the kind of conversation my husband and I had prior to our marriage.

 

mfk

 

 
December 11, 2008, 1:55 pm CST

Matt's Wife the Drag Queen

Given Matt’s level of misunderstanding of gays I can totally understand how and why he’s not comfortable with his wife going out in drag even if it is only once/ month.  He thinks gays are untrustworthy, he thinks they’re all in some “gay society,” and I would bet that he thinks that gays are all into drag.  

   

I’m gay and I’m from a conservative background, but if I were straight and married I can’t say I would want my wife going out in drag to gay bars if there were 3 kids and a husband at home.  And I don’t know of any straight guys who would allow their wives to go out to drag clubs on a regular basis.  I will also say that if I had kids, I wouldn’t be going out to bars late at night.    

   

Most gay men I know would not even date a drag queen, let alone go to drag clubs.  The “Drag Queen Thing” is something that’s mostly limited to a small number of gay clubs, it tend’s to exist in smaller cities, and while I know many gay people… ….I honestly don’t know any gays who are into drag bars.  “Drag Bars” are like a very tiny facet of the many gay bars that exist.  They’re not mainstream, and most mainstream gays just don’t get into them.  If you’re not into drag and the only bar in your town is having a drag night, one might just treat the drag activity as “background music” and not pay it any mind.  

   

But then the world is full of people with hobbies that would strike most people as odd… Matt’s wife could be a Trekky, she could collect stamps or beanie babies, she could be a ghost hunter…  You could make a list 20 pages long of all the seemingly bizarre hobbies that Matt’s wife could get into.  And if there’s one thing that’s safe about this hobby, then I would say that Matt has nothing to worry about as it relates to marital infidelity.     

 
December 11, 2008, 1:55 pm CST

12/11 Relationship Reality Check

i felt like it was 2 dr plil's there today,are you kidding me,drag queen?marriage works both ways,you have to respect each other,if you dont,you dont have a very good chance,and i gotta tell ya i got a problem with her going out as a drag queen and dont get me wrong,she has every right to have a hobby just as a man,but thats not a hobby in my opinion.the second one he was right on,someone said earlier,you cant have your cake and eat it too,they are so right.and i've been happily married for 28 years.and thats because we resprect and trust each other.
 
December 11, 2008, 2:14 pm CST

Come to Key West

Obviously this couple is not on the same page.  Does he think he looks "hot" in his baseball uniform?

 

Tell her she is welcome in Key West, where drag queens are real people, and our island motto is "one human family"

 

Don't compromise, they don't understand.  Bring your wigs, you'll have more fun playing dress up here!

 
December 11, 2008, 2:14 pm CST

there is hope

Quote From: 5girlz2boy

Thank you for sharing your stories . is there really a Dr Phil? i write this man alll the time and get no responce  what does it take to get to him ?? anyone please ????? My world seems to be falling apart  today i asked God to please just take me i hate this world . I hate my life .I am losing it . My husband has now lost his job   took a 90,000 dollar loss in wages from last yr .  we have 7 children our house is going to forclosure next month i want to drink myself to death .I HATE ME. I DONT TRUST HIM I THINK HE HAS MORE TO TELL I WONDER EVERYDAY EVERY NIGHT HE WAS MY WORL I WAS BEATEN MY WHOLE CHILD HOOD SEXUALLY ABUSED MIUSTRETED AND HE WAS MY FIRST PERSON IN MY LIFE I TRUSTED  HOW DID I DO THIS TO HIM . I GAVE HIM MY HEART AND IT IS CRUSHED  WE HAVE DONE COUNSELING IT WASNT GETTING US ANYWHERE SINCE THEN I HAVE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, DRUNK  SO MANY TIMES AND BLACKED OUT , GOT  MY FIRST DWI AT 35 2 TIMES OVER LEGAL LIMIT . WENT TO A FRIENDS HOUSE PASSED OUT ON BACK PORCH CARRIED TO HER ROOM BY HER HUBBY  TO FIND OUT LATER WE HAD SEX  I HAD A 5TH OF TEQUILLA AND REMEMBER VERY LITTLE . I FELT DIRTY AND IN MY EYES RAPED . I HAVE GAINED 20 POUDS  THIS IS AFTER GASTRIC BYPASS TO RECLAIM MY LIFE . MY KIDS NO LONGER HAVE THE MOM OR DAD THEY HAD NOR DO WE HAVE JOBS I FEEL STUPID, USELESS AND I ABSOULUTLY HATE ME AND MY LIFE . IF I HAD NO KIDS I WOULD GO IN THE BATHROOM AND SHOOT MYSELF I HATE THIS WORLD AND I HATE THIS LIFE MY HEAD DONT STOP THE VISIONS WONT STOP. THE GUILT DONT GO AWAY EVERYDAY I FIGHT NOT TO DRINK . AND I HAVENT FOR A FEW DAYS .  I AM BIPOLAR OCD AND  WONT TAKE MEDS THEY MAKE ME SICK CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP

Honey, you have someone on your side who will never leave you or forsake you.  It doesn't matter how dark and lonely your day may seem, there is ALWAYS one who cares - it's the Lord!  He loved you so much that he saw to it you had life, and he is still sustaining it!  There is nothing that Lord can't do, even when it seems you're completely on the road to destruction, He loves you sooooooo much, He would never want you to take your own life.  He has blessed you with wonderful children that love you and need you, even if they don't always seem like it.  You also have a husband in your life -  even though things might not be what you hoped they would, that is still a relationship you can engage in and improve.  You are the Lord's child, and all He requires for you is to cry out to him, he'll ALWAYS hear you.  God can overcome any health problem you might have - OCD, bipolar, etc.  NOTHING is to too big for God, HE created the world!  I'm not sure if this message even matters, and even though I don't know you, I care for you, and am praying that you'll feel the peace and comfort that only God can give.  Hang in there sister, I know you can do it!  Blessing to you!

 

~Ivy

 
December 11, 2008, 2:17 pm CST

I totally agree with you!

Quote From: karlakor

I think Dr. Phil missed the boat on the topic of the woman who believed she is a gay man in a woman's body.  He doesn't think that her habit of dressing up "in drag" is harmful, but no one on the show addressed the question of a married woman going out to gay bars and mingling with this new set of friends that she has made for herself.  Even if she weren't dressing up like a drag queen, shouldn't Dr. Phil have pointed out that it is inappropriate for a married woman to be out socializing in bars without her husband?  What business does this woman have being out at bars, having a high old time, while her husband and HER children are at home?  THAT is the inappropriate behavior.  If she still wants to go out and socialize like that, then she should have stayed single.  I side with her husband on this one, and I think Dr. Phil missed seeing the bigger problem. 
Yep, ole Phil missed this one, IMO.  I thought the woman was very self-centered and didn't really care how her husband felt about her behavior.  The fact that she said she was a man in a woman's body would have been a deal-breaker for me.  It was her husband's fault that he didn't wait longer to marry this woman .  Then he would have seen her true self.  I don't think this marriage will last much longer.  It was obvious that the husband didn't think much of Dr. Phil's opinion and neither do I.
 
December 11, 2008, 2:26 pm CST

Move on

As much as they're trying to keep things together, I think it's time to move on. It's pretty clear that he's scared of anything dealing with gay/transgender/drag etc., and he's never going to adjust. She shouldn't have to give up what she loves. They need to find people with the same values.
 
December 11, 2008, 2:52 pm CST

12/11 Relationship Reality Check

Quote From: godly_gal

I Applaud Matthew for standing up for what's right, although he probably should have broken off the engagement when he found out that they were that different. Anyone who grew up in such a stable,conservative,loving, and prob christian home aught to know that you dont' marry people who believe differently and want differend things in life and marriage. That "Woman" is as crazy as they come. There are many good coservative women in this world that I wonder why he chose her. Leave that psyco woman Matthew. I sort of think that somewhere deep inside Dr. Phil, he might think she's crazy to. Dr. Phil I HOPE your not crossing over to the WORLDLY side with those crazy lefty libs at nbc. My advice to Mathew as a christian conservative is to leave her and find you a good woman with the same principals,beliefs as yourself. I know your mamma would be ok with it.

I agree with you 100%. Although I am Jewish, this has nothing to do with either being raised Christian or Jewish, it has more to do with a moral obigation to your spouse. First of all, this woman has bagage and I want to know what attracted him to her in the first place. This woman is from a broken home, has three kids from a previous relationship and has serious issues in her life. I am a divorced woman with one kid who wants that  "cookie cutter life" and I cannot find that kind of man. I dont drink, party, I attend Synagogue and I raise my son with a good sense of family values. What the hell do men think when they get with women like this? There are so many good women who want a good man and all of the skanks get what good women are looking for. I am divorced because my ex husband is not what I expected him to be. There are conservative women out there with morals and values. Why do men pick the skanks to marry? Is is a feeling of wanting to rescue some poor women from herself? There are so many good women out there without the bagage, divorce these women and get someone who wants to commit to a relationship.

 
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