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Topic : 12/11 Relationship Reality Check

Number of Replies: 118
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Created on : Friday, December 05, 2008, 12:50:02 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Marriage is supposed to be about compromise, but what happens when one partner says, "It's my way or the highway"? Newlyweds Matthew and Lianna have been married for just three months and are already at odds about Lianna’s passion for her very unusual hobby. After a heart-to-heart on their honeymoon, Matthew says he thought they had come to a compromise, but Lianna says Matthew is squashing her dreams. Find out why Matthew says he didn’t sign up to be married to a “gay man in a woman’s body,” and how married life, for this couple, is turning into a real drag. Then, Shawna and John have been together for 13 years and share three children. Shawna says she still wants to be married to John … just not right now! You won’t believe her shocking plan for a marital sabbatical, and neither does John. How will he react when he hears the news for the first time? When Dr. Phil gives these relationships a reality check, will their mismatched expectations cause them to break their vows? Speak out!

Find out what happened on the show.

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December 11, 2008, 5:01 pm CST

THATS MY MOTHER (marriage sebatical)

I'd like to say in reguards to the women who i believed reffered to my mother as "a used up bar fly"

Well thats easily done sitting behind a computer, concealing your face . I takes courage to do what she did , and quite honestly your imature name calling is unneeded . Thats not what the show is about .

My mother is beautiful .

It's also easy to lable someone as an "alcoholic" when you dont even know them .

There are always two sides to every story, and just because thats what John said, doesnt make it true.

So before you choose to jump on his ban-wagon know that there were a lot of aspects left out of the show envolving the intensity of his anger, and the severity of his need to be in control at all times.

My mom (Shawna) is a great mother , and the idea of John raising the children is the most unrealistic thing i've heard. She is not out bar hopping every weekend and as for her "unsuitable" friends, she wants to believe that everyone has a good side to them. She can be too trusting.

I'd also like to recall the fact that they BOTH have made mistakes in ther marriage, including unfaithfulness . Not just her . He is not the victim .

So before anyone goes off and places judgement on someone they do not know, think twice .

Reguardless  if you think he's  "extremely handsome" or "deseverves better"  and that you would "love and cherish him as a husband" He doesnt want you, he's with the one he wants and he's sure of it. Back off .

BOTTOM LINE: people go on the show to get solutions and receieve help, not to be ripped to shreads .

 

 

I love you mom, and no matter what i know the real you <333

 

 
December 11, 2008, 5:02 pm CST

12/11 Relationship Reality Check

I am a male crossdresser (but not a drag queen) and have never heard the term "faux queen". After hearing her talk, I felt like I was listening to a tape recording of myself, as she described her "hobby" as satisfying and fulfilling. I think she is a kindred spirit to me.

I wonder if she senses the same shift of gender as I do.

 
December 11, 2008, 5:09 pm CST

12/11 Relationship Reality Check

The husband's issues with gays aside, I don't know of too many spouses, husbands or wives, who would or should be happy with their spouses feeling a need to leave the kids and spouse behind and go out clubbing for the night.  I hope I'm wrong, but I see this "hobby" growing and going in other directions as time goes on.  I don't recall hearing how long this couple has been married, but if I were the husband, I'd tell my wife I understand your insecurities after seeing your mother and father each burn through three marriages.  I understand that being around members of the opposite sex who have no sexual attraction to you, and thus won't hurt you emotionally, has been a safe place for you.  But I'm your husband.  I love you. I'm your rock.  We're a family.  Please trust me.

 

As for the second couple?  Quick impression is I trust the husband's assessment of the wife more than I do the wife's of the husband.  Again, a spouse has no business being out in bars or clubs without their spouse.  The wife struck me as a good time Charlie; someone whose inhibitions are shot-to-hell with each passing drink.  Even her plan - the one year sabbatical with her possibly dating if the opportunity presented itself -  suggests she wants her cake and be able to eat it, too.  If I were the husband, I take this opportunity to say "adios."  She isn't going to settle down, and you're going to be driving yourself crazy wondering what she's doing and who she's doing it with the rest of your life.  Life's too short, my man.      

 
December 11, 2008, 5:11 pm CST

I'm stunned too...

Quote From: fwafwa

Today's show about a man who isn't happy with his wife's hobby of Drag Dressing stunned me.  Not because of her choice of entertainment, but because Dr. Phil's cavalier attitude and stance her hobby would result in zero ramnifications for her three children!  And wow, did he lay it on the poor guy.  I frankly wouldn't have been surprised to see him coronate her!  What about her husband's view?  He seemed for more protective of her children's position in this. Having been very happily married for 34 years, I can tell you two things for sure: #1: Honor the sanctity of marriage.  If something you choose to do would truly displease your spouse, weigh that choice against your own desire, and if you're at a stalemate refer to #2, which is: Choose what's best for the children.  This is not a glib cliche, but rather a way of truly honoring yours and your children's feelings. Let them know your thought process, and how you came to your decision. This teaches them by example the importance of mutual and thoughtful respect for one another and for them.  Finally, Dr. Phil, I would so love it if you watched this episode.  I know you're a proud man, and a just one, and I believe you would have the moxie to see your advice was not balanced.  If you did this, that would give you another opportunity to reveal my #3 sure thing:  A good example of the wisdom in "changing your mind, and actually admitting your take on that situation wasn't fully considered or balanced."Too often people see that admission as a weakness rather than the strong committment to be honest with yourself and the ones you love. I see this as a great opportunity, for I can assure you, I am not alone in this assessment.   I am still stunned...
Dr. Phil?  What is going on with you?  Issues of morality aside, that was just plain poor advice.  I'm so very disappointed...
 
December 11, 2008, 5:15 pm CST

Dr. Phil...what is going on with you?

You said, and I'm paraphrasing, I don't see anything maladaptive about this behavior.  The woman is married with 3 children and said at the beginning of the show she feels like a woman trapped in a gay man's body, and you don't see anything maladaptive about that??

 

He should never have married her, or at least he should have postponed the wedding after hearing of her "hobby."  However, the advice you gave was wreckless and irresponsible.  What business does any married woman have hanging out in a bar drinking alcohol for 4 or 5 hours by herself??  Bad advice.  I hope the marriage survives...

 
December 11, 2008, 5:23 pm CST

OH PLEEEEEZE!

I do not agree with Dr. Phil's advice to the man whose wife likes to dress in drag and go out to gay clubs.

Did he not look into the husband's eyes and see his hurt?  This woman is using up her energy  on others instead of sharing it with her husband.  Her kids are hurting and her own mother verified that the son is suffering.  Jeez Louise, Dr. Phil.  You are usually an advocate for the children who live with messed up people.  Why doesn't she dress up for him when they are alone and get some real validation and make him happy instead of seeking to indulge herSELF!  How awful that a husband and children sit and watch the woman of the house get all dressed up and then walk out, waving goodbye while they sit there feeling completely betrayed and empty.  I pray to God that this guy goes and talks to a counselor who gives godly Biblical counsel that it will serve him better and not JUST serve that selfish, egotistical little spoiled brat that he is married to.  Oh, "poor little thing", she had to take a leap of faith and commit to a good man a great father.  She should be ashamed of herself!  "Oh, he is just the complete package; he is wonderful!"  Right.  So go step all over his heart and disrespect him because he is in love with you and would not want to lose you!  Talk about taking unfair advantage!   How very many people have had trust issues, yet went ahead and said marriage vows YET do  not have to go out to BARS, gay or straight, just to make themselves feel good about themselves.  Good grief.  It is not about making yourself feel good, it is ALL about doing everything you can to make sure your mate is pleased.  She does not give a rat's behind about how her husband feels--not really.  She just wants him to be there when it suits her and to make sure her kids have a good father figure.  Dr. Phil you are WAY off base on this one.

 
December 11, 2008, 5:33 pm CST

12/11 Relationship Reality Check

Quote From: fwafwa

Today's show about a man who isn't happy with his wife's hobby of Drag Dressing stunned me.  Not because of her choice of entertainment, but because Dr. Phil's cavalier attitude and stance her hobby would result in zero ramnifications for her three children!  And wow, did he lay it on the poor guy.  I frankly wouldn't have been surprised to see him coronate her!  What about her husband's view?  He seemed for more protective of her children's position in this. Having been very happily married for 34 years, I can tell you two things for sure: #1: Honor the sanctity of marriage.  If something you choose to do would truly displease your spouse, weigh that choice against your own desire, and if you're at a stalemate refer to #2, which is: Choose what's best for the children.  This is not a glib cliche, but rather a way of truly honoring yours and your children's feelings. Let them know your thought process, and how you came to your decision. This teaches them by example the importance of mutual and thoughtful respect for one another and for them.  Finally, Dr. Phil, I would so love it if you watched this episode.  I know you're a proud man, and a just one, and I believe you would have the moxie to see your advice was not balanced.  If you did this, that would give you another opportunity to reveal my #3 sure thing:  A good example of the wisdom in "changing your mind, and actually admitting your take on that situation wasn't fully considered or balanced."Too often people see that admission as a weakness rather than the strong committment to be honest with yourself and the ones you love. I see this as a great opportunity, for I can assure you, I am not alone in this assessment.   I am still stunned...

I completely disagree.

 

The wife was articulate,  intelligent,  and has a "hobby".  Perhaps it's not your cup of tea but it's harmless.

 

She runs her own business,  her marriage is otherwise fine,   she told her dolt of a husband BEFORE the marriage that she was into the who GLBT scene.   He needs to get over himself.

 

He's damned lucky to have her.

 

For the very first time I'm proud of Dr. Phil.    Life does not follow a set pattern for all couples.   Each relationship is different.   The one with the problem (in my view) in that relationship is Matthew who's a bigot and would like to control his wife's interests.

 

Perhaps if he exposed himself to some of the difference in humankind he come across less dull.   It wouldn't take much..

 
December 11, 2008, 5:58 pm CST

Please let Shawna and John know their long lost friend Patricia Loves them!

hi Dr. Phil Show,
I couldn't believe it when I turned the show on today like I always do here in San Francisco and saw my 2 dear friends Shawna and John needing help. These 2 were my rock and my hope for a beautiful relationship when I was going through problems in my own life. They were my family! Through the years, when they left Hayward and the Bay Area, we lost touch, but I remember their wedding. I remember the love and the happiness that day, I remember John needing to take off for the Gulf becasuse he was in the Reserves and they needed him, and Shawna crying in my arms because she was so worried. I remember when Justin Case, there son was born and I remember thinking God I can't wait until I find what they have. Please, please let them know that I love them, I am here for them and I miss them and if they need anything and I can be half of the friends they were to me, I am here. I have no way of getting in touch with them and would love them to reach me. I am at the email on my profile here, pinkopaque22@yahoo.com. Shawna, John, I love you, and I remember when, as you said in  the show Shawna, when you 2 were on the same page....let me help you get back there! I miss you guys and know Dr. Phil can help! Please call me ASAP! PS- Shawna, please say Hi to Scott too and tell him I miss him.
Sending kisses, hugs and healing.
Your pal
Patricia
 
December 11, 2008, 6:01 pm CST

12/11 Relationship Reality Check

In the case of Matthew & Lianna, the drag queen: Matthew knew ahead of time about his wife's little "hobby". Don't marry someone expecting them to change for you...all you'll get is resentment. Either love and accept them for what they are, or do them...and yourself...a favor and find someone who's a mirror image of yourself, if that's what you want.

 

Shawna, who wants to "take a sabbatical",  and John: It sounds like Shawna wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She wants to keep John on a string while she runs off looking for the greener pastures. If she finds what she's looking for, she'll dump John permanently. 

 

Personally, I wouldn't wait around until that happens.

 

The fact that they've both cheated on each other makes me wonder what's left to hang onto anyway? There doesn't seem to be that much of a commitment.   

 
December 11, 2008, 6:02 pm CST

Things that matter

Quote From: t5576le

You said, and I'm paraphrasing, I don't see anything maladaptive about this behavior.  The woman is married with 3 children and said at the beginning of the show she feels like a woman trapped in a gay man's body, and you don't see anything maladaptive about that??

 

He should never have married her, or at least he should have postponed the wedding after hearing of her "hobby."  However, the advice you gave was wreckless and irresponsible.  What business does any married woman have hanging out in a bar drinking alcohol for 4 or 5 hours by herself??  Bad advice.  I hope the marriage survives...

Maladaptive?  No, she said that she was joking about that.  Have a sense of humor will ya.  I would be worried if she was a "drag king."  That may be a deal breaker as far as the marriage is concerned.

A monthly night out?  Sounds reasonable to me.  Going out for special occasions, doens't sound like abandonment (was that what you were getting to?).  In fact, the frequency, or the fact that she was going out was not the issue.  Matthew's issue was that she had gay friends that she did more than talk to at work.  How many couples trade off "nights out"  so that you don't have to pay for a babysitter?

And when are we going to ban divorce?  It seems people are finding (actively seeking) for creative ways to end the traditional marriage.  Look how many people chime in that they should go for dissolutionment rather than work on staying together.  And I say that after ending a 19 year marriage (at least I tried).

Meliss@
 
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