I watched you on the Dr. Phil show today, adn seeing that you have the same level of "disgust" as I do with CPS right now (as I called concerning my stepson 2 wks. ago, and have only recieved the regular form letter, that this is personal/vengeful, and not a legitimate concern; if I were a perfect stranger to this child, he would have been investigated long ago...) Possibly you can suggest which way we can proceed; my husband is frustrated to the point of giving up; the following was posted on my online blog after the incident occurred 12/02/08:
Chapter 4: What Can You Do When No one will Help?
I have never been so frustrated or depressed as I have been in the last few days. I've always been a believer that patience will bring peace, but within the last two weeks, I have begun to doubt in everything- professionals (such as educational and medical), the judical system, motherhood, marriage, and myself.
As all know, I am a married woman (25 months), with an 11 y/o stepson. One year ago, my husband and I moved fifty miles to be closer to his son (equalling 50 miles away from my daughter, and our familes) because ex-wife is a dominating, vindictive, controlling, manipulative, bitter....... get the point? (The phrase "If I'm not happy, no one will be" is a perfect fit.) She has a older son, who to behavior and criminal problems, who she rarely had custody, feeling she couldn't handle him. (The child is now 18, resides in a residential home as part of a treatment plan, and by recent web searches, in more trouble than ever.) Mom has had custody for four years now; before that, my husband had full custody from 9 months until 7 ½ years old. Continuing, we live 75 yards apart, six houses, one street away. The stepson has problems educationally (behind in things, adn not very motivated), physically (weighs 210 pounds, and has cholestrol levels higher than his father or I), and emotionally (we have had him in counseling for 9 months, and before than, Mom had him in counseling for 2 years). My husband receives contact from school that there's been fights, taken a knife to school on two different occasions, withdrawn, etc. At the last court hearing, after we moved, a new decree was placed that he would reside with us fro 10-12 days a month (the specific scehdule would be a week to week exchange, with the exception mom has him on Mondays and Thursdays).
A few days before Halloween, on a Thursday when the son returned to Mom, he came by the house around 4:30 PM. Of course, this was a little to early for Dad to have arrived home from work, but I am the stay at home mom, so he came in. He looked at me and said, "Dad said I could take a game to Mom's house." We have had this problem before, with various items going to Mom's, from clothes, to books and movies, and never returning; regardless, the game in particular was not his, it was a borrowed game from a family member. Knowing this, I told him he had to call his dad before taking the game. He took the phone into his room, and came out with the game in his hand, saying Dad OK'd it. WIth that he was out the door. Within a few minutes, I find the phone he left in his room, off the hook. I turn it off, not thinking of it, and immediately the phone rings. My husband says "Do not let him leave with that game." At this point I lose it. For three years, (as like other children of divorce) I have been treated like a doormat, an invisible maid/cook, with never a word to me other than "When's Dad get home?". My husband and I initially debate calling the police to go to Mom's and retrieve the game, since it is technically stolen property. We nix that idea, and when he returned the next week, he was told his punishment would be one month no computer, and that he was expected to write a letter of apology to each of us. Now, he returns to us from Mom on Fridays after school, and on those Fridays, we have counseling. We went that night, and discusse the situation, as well as the son creating a few accounts on inappropriate websites (which we immediately shut down). The counselor agreed that the punishment was not overwhelming, but to allow the child "free time"; he felt that all he ever did was homework, chores, etc. We went home, and the weekend went down from there.
Two weeks later, at the next couseling session, my husbadn and I am blind-slided. The counselor asks my husband to leave the room, so that the son and I can talk. The counselor asked me to tell the son things I have told the counselor in the past (not in the presence of the child): That for the past three years, I am invisible, that I gave up being with my daughter so that he and his dad could be closer, and that from things the son has said and done in the past, I think he can reunite hihs parents, as the child felt he had done in the past (which he somewhat had; the parents moved in together and tried to make it work, but this is the time the son was abused by his older brother and everything went to hell0). The counselor asked him if what I felt was true, adn he said, "Yeah, I think about it at school, if I could make it work." The counselor said; "That must make you feel powerful?" (I never liked the counselor using the term with the child, because I don't want the child to think he's in charge of the adults.) I'm asked to step out, and after twenty minnutes, John is asked to come in without me. At the end of the session, My husband comes out so silently angry, I'm afraid to let him drive; he says we'll talk when we get alone. That night, he said the counselor told my husband in front of the child that we were isolated him, and if we continued, we would push the child away. We shouldn't push education, and for us to learn to choose which battles we want to fight; and then tells the child, he has the power to make the decision if he wants to come to our home. That night, I wrote a three page letter to his supervisor about his professional conduct, and as a result, the remaining three days the son was with us, he left without telling me where he was going, and went to Mom's hoping she was home (she wasn't) because Mr. XXXX said he didn't have to stay with us if it made him unhappy.
One morning, the kid calls and leaves a voicemail crying. You hear him say to his mother, "It went to the machine," and she's heard in the background, "Well, tell them to come pick you up." He says, crying, "Dad, can you come pick me up? Bye." (we didn't get this message until a few minutes into the fiasco brewing.) As John's driving off our court to the main street of the complex to go to work, the son is standing on our corner in a short sleeved t-shirt, pair of cargo pants, no coat or bookbag. John stops, not sure if it was his son, and the child tells him "My mom says she doesn't eant me anymore." John tells him to get in the car, calms him down (the son said he wasn't feeling well and Mom told him he had to go to school, as they argued so long, he missed the bus, so she dialed our home number for him), and drives him to his mom's home. She's standing outside, and John sends the child in to get his coat and bookbag. She tells my husband that she can't take him anymore and he's "our problem". John asks me to call his work, and expalin the situation he'll be late, and first takes the child to school, and informs them he's going to the pediatrician. When they get to the doctor's, during the exam, it's discovered that the child has on no underwear, no undershirt, and no socks. (Along without wearing the coat as well, that morning's temperature was about thrity degrees.) Apparently the child was so upset by what Mom said to him that morning, the doctor (not our regular pediatrician) said he feels the child needs to see one of these two peopel; my husband figured it had to do with his health/weight (he had gained 25 lbs. in three months, when Mom refused to give us any visitation over the entire summer, and from a well check up two and a half weeks ago, he had gained another 3 and a half pounds). No, the referrals were for social workers and psychiatrist. The mother called John on his cel phone, threatening him to "be in court tomorrow", that he was only supposed to take the child to school (didn't evene ask how he was) By this point, I had alreay called Child Protective Services; between the inappropriate dress whether or not the child is sick, and the mental abuse telling him she didn't want him anymore. When John came home (at this point, he called out for the day), he called the CPS, and they said they have ten days to decide whether or not there is any validiity warranting an investigation. They said, if you're so worried for the child, you have to go to court for an emergancy hearing. So off we went. At the hearing, the judge said mental abuse doesn't exist, and he can only do something if there's physical. The judge said to return the child to the mom because it's her custodial period. When my husbadn came out and told the son that, he became hysterical. We tried to explain to him on the way home, if he ever feels like he needs help or is in trouble, to call Dad's home or cel phone, speak to his teacher or school counselor, or call 911. When we got home, there was an email from mom that she stands by her decision that if he didn't have vomiting or diarrhea, he should have gone to school, and if he was still sick, she would take him then. We won;t know anything until he comes over Friday.
My question is: what is the point of tryingt o get help for a child and no one will listen? The judge said there's nothing he can do, when we call the police, they say it's a civil matter and they cannot get involved, school voices their concerns to us, but not report them (because if the make an accusation and turns out to be false, thy open themselves for a lawsuit), the counselor confuses the situation, and CPS can take a week to decide if they need to check it out. In that time, he could hurt someone or be hurt by someone, and then what? We keep records, journals, copies of notes, photos, but no one cares.
What would push an 8-year-old to allegedly kill his own father? What would make a man brutally murder a talented anchorwoman? Dr. Phil is joined by Nancy Grace of Headline News, children’s rights attorney Paul Mones and criminologist Dr. Denise Boots as they delve into shocking and horrific headlines. Recently, police were called to a fitness club in Tracy, California where an emaciated and half-naked teen boy stumbled in, covered in soot and bruises, with a shackle on his ankle. The boy told a terrifying story of escaping from a house where he was kept prisoner, locked in chains, beaten and starved. Nancy has strong opinions about the boy's alleged captors. Then, an Arizona town was recently rocked by the news of an 8-year-old boy arrested for allegedly shooting and killing his father and another man. See the interrogation video in which the boy allegedly confessed. Are there any warning signs that a child is going to kill a parent? Should an 8-year-old be tried for murder? A heated debate ensues between Paul and Nancy. Plus, 13-year-old Tyler falsely confessed to the murder of his brother-in-law. He was tried as adult, sentenced to life in prison and served six years before being exonerated from the crime. Now 19, Tyler shares what made him lie to the police. And, Dr. Phil discusses the case of a beautiful young newscaster found brutally attacked and left for dead in her home in Little Rock, Arkansas. Anne Pressly’s case is eerily similar to the murder of another anchorwoman in 2002. Was it more than a random robbery? Join the discussion.
