Topic : 08/03 Torn Between Two Lovers, Part 1

I had a boyfriend like that once.  Said no one could "fill his shoes".  After 10 years I got smart and dumped him.  2 years later I met and married a man that makes the boyfriend's shoes look like infants!

What is with these men?  I think they all need a good dose of saltpeter!

One of the things is women compete against other women !

Take this woman who slept with her BEST friends husband!

This bull crap that the sister said that Brad started things, so what.....Sara fell for it.

She is an adult not a very brave one since she won't show her face.

If she is so ashame of herself for what she did how does she think it will be if the left her husband for Brad. What a wimp she is to HIDE!

She helped create the situation she is in , why hide now?

I don't understand how Sara's husband can sit back and put up with it.

I think Michelle and Sara's husband should leave them both and hook up with each other. At least they will have something in common.

And Sara must really be a dumb blonde. Brad has cheated on his wife 19 times and now she thinks  Brad will all of sudden stop cheating because she is some great catch........lol! YEAH RIGHT.......boy is she stupid.

Michelle needs to stop being a pansy and leave Brad let Sara have him. I know it can be hard and she may feel like she has lost and Sara won but actually Michelle is the one to win. Sara loses because if she leaves her husband for Brad then she has just put herself in the same shoes Michelle was in but maybe that is what Sara needs.

Let her see how it feels to be on that end of it all.

And the women who send Brad their picture of theirself on the beach in a bikini how low can you sink. Women need to stop trying to compete with other women over a man.

Any man who you have to compete over is not worth it.

Any man who puts you in that situation is not worth it.

I can forgive a lot of things and I have put up with a lot from my husband we have been thru a lot but if he cheated that would be it.

I don't think I could ever get pass that, that image, or to trust him again.

No way no how.

I know you shouldn't judge others unless you walked a mile in their shoes but there is somethings each of us know we could not ever put up with.

Michelle is too good for Brad, but Sara she deserves somebody like Brad they make the perfect couple just hopefully they don't have full custody of the kids.

Those two both have no respect for others feeling and no sense of respect for a loved ones feelings they have no boundaries. They are both very selfish people and only think of their self.

Sorry that is how I see it!

To place 'blame' on your wife because she wouldn't go to counseling or whatever is shameful.  Yes, you both have some extreme issues and should be in individual counseling as well as marital counseling.  Why she would stay is something she needs to figure out or her next relationship may be the same.  I feel sure part of it is for her children, as it is for you too, but on some level both of you must know that although divorce is RARELY good for children, in this particular case it may be better than to have this toxicity in their lives.  I cannot even begin to imagine how little ones begin to assimilate such horrible issues and also being in a community where others know about it would be incredibly damaging.  None of you have the right to put that burden on these children.

To say it 'just happened, I didn't mean for it to' is BS.  People with high self esteem and high character don't allow themselves to be in a situation for it just to 'happen'.  They also have the maturity and foresight to see that there is NO WHERE infidelity can go but destructively in a ditch.  It always ends up sadly for everyone involved, including the innocent children.  You are abusing your children when you sleep with someone other than your spouse, plain and simple. 

Everyone goes through dips and wanes in their marriage.  There are lots of attractive people out there.  Making a commitment doesn't mean that you'll NEVER be attracted to another person again.  What it does mean is that you stick it out, work on problems, and when necessary, take the time to fall back in love with your spouse.  And you don't allow yourself to be in situations where something inappropriate can take place.  Never.

The mistress and her husband need counseling as well.  She must have very, very low self esteem and she and her husband need individual and marital counseling.  The main thing is that they sever ties with the adulterous relationship and this other couple.  Ideally, Brad would give up rights to his son and give him a chance at a normal life, but in the absence of that, the father should deliver him for visits, or some other family member.  If I were that family, I would move far away from that town.

The only way I see either marriage surviving and becoming healthy is life-altering self change in four different individuals; hard work and therapy.  And it may be that this hurt cannot ever be gotten over and the marriages won't make it; who knows.  But if mistress and Brad want to get together, I would be bet 1 million dollars (that I don't have) that he will do it again to her.  AND that neither of them will think the other is as exciting as ANY affair is bound to be, without the strings of bills, kids, home repairs, in-laws, etc.  Neither will be as attractive as this illicit affair is once all that comes into play.  Grow up Brad and 'Sarah' - both of you - and for the spouses, get counseling, and heal yourselves.  You didn't deserve this, but you need to find out why you put up with it.

Best wishes to all of you,

Leslie H.

Unfortunately, I have been in a very similar situation.  I cheated on my husband with a married man, got caught and then we both reconciled with our spouses.  A few years later, I divorced my husband and the guy that I cheated on him with came back into my life once he found out I was divorced.  Stupid me....  I fell for his lies.  He divorced his wife and we got pregnant.  He had overwhelming guilt for his ex-wife and 2 children and left me and married his exwife again.  Since I also had 2 children and was in a herendous court battle with my ex-husband, all of this was extremely overwhelming and more than I could handle.  I made the ultimate decision to abort the child.  A decision I am still having to cope with daily and i hate myself for it.  I was only thinking of myself, the other children involved and I thought that it was best for everyone if I did this.  I was again wrong.  After the abortion, the father of the baby crept his way back into my life apologizing for leaving me,etc. etc. etc.  AGAIN... I TOOK HIM BACK EVEN AFTER ALL THAT HAD HAPPENED.  It took over a year for his 2nd divorce to go through. In the meantime, I got pregnant again.  This was something that we both agreed to and wanted.  After his divorce was final, he waited around and continued to put off marrying me.  Finally, we were married a month before the baby was born.  We have been married now for 6 mos.  It is absolutely miserable.  I do not trust him at all.  Never will because of our past.  He continues to feel guilty about his exwife and children and I believe he still has a relationship with her.  I am not allowed to be around his children so he has to spend the time with them away from me and our child.  Our child does not even know their brother and sister.  We are miserable.  Sarah should know that even if she and he were together, it would NEVER work!!!  I know from experience unfortunately. 

WOW!!

I don't even know where to start with this one!

I think the First thing that should happen is BRAD is out of ALL thier lives and into some MAJOR therapy. A part of me is saddened by the lack of self esteem on BOTH the womens and the other husbands' parts! Seriuos therapy needed there too !. My heart goes out for Michelle and her kids, she just doesn't get it... She simply HAS to rebuild her life with her children without this TOXIC man. Brad can best be discribed as a preditor. He has NO morals/Values and neither does that "Sarah" that he's sleeping with. Women like "sarah" sicken me. And what is with the lack of resposiblity here people?  What happened.. we tried to break it off and OOPS he fell in my vagina again???  I mean PLEASE!!!! Sarah is acoward, and I'm not sure there is ANY hope for BRADs' recovery. If "Sarah" thinks for one second that Brad won't do it to here, when he gets that warm fuzzy feeling with mistress # 41, she's dead WRONG! If these people could only stand back and look at the situation through the worlds eyes, I'm sure they'd think'What the hell am I doing here"!?

     First of all I would like to state that I am a survivor of divorce, it was not until after I became an adult when I felt comfortable enough to ask my mother what went wrong?  Her answer startled me, my father was a philanderer, and not only did he engage in numerous affairs, he also fathered children as well.  When I listened to Brad I thought "Is he delusional?".  Brad seems to think that he is in love with his wife and his mistress, but a question I would like to ask Brad is "in order to be in love is there a high body count involved?" what I mean by that question is that Brad's actions seem to be hurting a lot of people.

     I agreed with Dr. Phil when he told Brad that he lacked control and boundaries of and for himself.  I think that it is quite unfortunate that he could not think enough of his wife and children to exercise self control, he was using his head, but not the one on top of his neck!!  Brad reminds me of my father who at 70years of age seems to be living with a lot of regret, and from all appearances I don't think that he has learned very much from the damage that he has inflicted over the years to the women in his life and the children that has resulted from these affairs.

     Brad needs to get real with himself and the people that he claims to love, because if he does not then he will be not unlike my own father [living with constant regret].  When we were children I remember a story of the boy who cried wolf, when there was really a wolf around none believed him, because he cried wolf so many times before, I think that any woman who sees Brad from this moment on will probably doubt his sincerity and for this woman "Sarah" my mother taught me that if a man will cheat with you he will most certainly cheat on you with someone else!! [my mother should know because my father did it to her and the other women in his life.