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Topic : 08/04 Torn Between Two Lovers, Part 2

Number of Replies: 30
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, July 28, 2005, 03:40:49 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original air date: 04/29/05) Brad says he can't decide between his wife and his girlfriend, who's also married. Both women got pregnant with his child just weeks apart. Dr. Phil continues to unravel the lies and betrayal in an attempt to save two families. Talk about the show here.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

Read previous messages in the archived discussion.


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August 4, 2005, 4:00 pm CDT

In the same shoes

Thank you for the show today. I have been married for 24 years and have two girls. My husband has cheated on and off, our entire marriage. I found out recently that he has had a ten year mistress who he invited into our lives without my knowledge. She went to our kids softball games, their high school graduations, and I'm told has pictures of my husband and children all over her house. He involed the youngest daughter in the relationship. My oldest would have nothing to do with her.

Three months ago he started going out on the weekends and staying out all night (a new girlfriend I'm sure) on the third weekend he did this I locked all the doors and told him never to come back.

He has asked for counseling however, during our sessions he says that I forced him to do these things. By the way he's not home and I don't know where he lives.

I am very clear that this is not my fault. However, I am having the hardest time filing for a divorce I keep hoping he'll get help and change. I know this is crazy on my part. I have multiple sclerosis and I am scared for my future but he's not there for me any way. I am even turning to God and asking for help and I know this is not what he wants for me. I'm trying hard to find strength. Thanks for your strong words today they helped me get it even more. I'll keep praying for strength.

 
August 4, 2005, 4:32 pm CDT

lyonmild

Quote From: lyonmild

Does he have the flattest affect you have ever seen.  I wish I had skin like his.  Not a wrinkle in it, not even the finest line.........this is totally from lack of emotion, for many many years.   He is FLAT. 

He would actually be the poster boy for a BOTOX ad.  I can't believe that this flat affect has never been noticed by others and he doesn't have other problems.  I have worked in mental health for more than 20 years and when you see this kind of personality it is so textbook.   He just sits there like a dead fish.  He has no conscience I believe also.

 

 

This is the best I have seen Dr. Phil act, speak and talk to guests EVER and I have been watching since he came on TV with Oprah during her trial in Texas.  He should be more honest and direct with all of the guests.....I feel he usually lets the guy off way too easy and doesn't force him to address his lies.

 

Well I hope she can finally put herself first and stop thinking about HIM and take care of herself and the kids.   Best wishes to his wife. 

 

The other woman is a dirty, disgusting immoral, female who should also be kicked out and left on her own by her husband.  She needs to learn that there is certain behaviors not acceptable when you are married and a mother.  She makes me sick when she says "How do I do that?"  What a copout, miss martyr.   Sickening.   Women out there  be sure to teach your daughters that there are LOTS of women out there who will do this.  Don't let them have to learn on their own.  And teach them about addicted men also.

I totally agree with you about being the best of Dr. Phil.  I feel he put some tough questions out there for the guests to answer and then told Brad he was immature, no impulse control and a liar.  Usually DrP doesn't comment like that but it was very informative to understand what the exact problems are.  I think he should state those kinds of 'diagnosis' more often about his guests to help us understand.  I really liked this format, except for the mystery guests who won't show their faces.  I don't know who they are fooling.  Anyone who knows them won't be fooled by hiding and it won't matter if the rest of us knows who they are. 

 

I thought all the guests had their emotions so under control that it is difficult to tell if they are even bothered by anything the other said.  I watched Brad's eyes very carefully and he flinched a few times when his mistress spoke.  It seemed that no one was really telling what they really thought but were trying to be politically correct in front of each other but would say something different if the other person weren't there.  In fact, Brad said he was doing that in therapy so he wouldn't hurt his wife.  I can't imagine he would care if he hurt her or not cause if he cared he wouldn't be putting her thru this.  Maybe they have been dealing with this for so long that their emotions have already been spent and there is nothing left. 

 

The best thing either of those women could do is dump him.  Until he gets some help and proves he can be trusted his wife needs to let him go.  Work on the marriage without living together.  Maybe she will gain some self respect and courage without him there tearing her down. 

 
August 4, 2005, 4:46 pm CDT

I have been there

I can not compare to 14 years... but I lived 2.5 years with my husband being like Brad.

 

He would go to the store for something we needed and be gone for days.  We were young and dumb with a baby and he desided to not grow up.

The last straw was when I found out the other woman was pregnant. I filled for divorse and then found out myself was pregnant again. 

It has been over 7 years and Michelle I am proof that there is something better.

The best advise Ireceived was leave for 2 months with no contact... the pain heals and anger sets in after 2 weeks.  In a 2 month periode you will see that everything falls into place. Worried about money? Do not worry about that you will be fine. They will promise the moon and stars to you just to keep you ... but then once they relize you are staying they fall back into the same habbit.

 

Update: I remarried a wonderful man whom loves me and my childeren and would never leave for someone else. 

 

x-- well after engagement and engagement he finaly has married a woman whom now is staying because they just had a baby.

 
August 4, 2005, 8:53 pm CDT

08/04 Torn Between Two Lovers, Part 2

Quote From: redskynite

I'm am a very lucky woman.  My husband has never cheated on me.  However (John) my exhusband's first wife (Carol) left him for another man (Les) who was also married to a woman named Ellen.  Carol divorced John and her lover (Les) divorced his wife (Ellen) on the same day.  Several months later, John and Carol were married.  Sixteen years later, Carol caught John cheating on her just as he had cheated on his previous wife 16 years ago.  Carol and John have now divorced.  As they say, what comes around, goes around. 

 

John seems to have a hard time keeping a relationship together.  After loosing Carol he married me in 1992 and we divorced in 1999.  Neither one of us were seeing anyone, we just had problems.  John has remarried and divorced twice since our divorce.  Doesn't anyone stay married to one person anymore?

Only the ones who take their marriage vows serious, truly loves, respects and honors their spouse, even through the tough times. There is absolutely no reason to cheat, if one is not happy in a marriage , then GET A DIVORCE! which in my opinion is nothing but a cop out for most people. Thank goodness there are some great men out there and I have one of them. Temptation is not a sin but to fall for it is. What a shame that people don't take marriage serious and to respect the one that they are suppose to love and honor and I feel sorry for those who don't respect themselves enough to step up and say "enough is enough". I know this is a reun, IWonder if these two people are still married? And if so? What have they done to keep this crap from happening again? I am blessed not to be in thier shoes for my hubby and I are happily married and we strive very hard to make our love and marriage last a life time which is very possible because that is what we want and believe in.
 
August 5, 2005, 9:53 am CDT

i know someone just like brad!!!

my ex is just like this.  except this one had as many, if not more - totalling in the hundreds-  affairs with several resulting in pregnancies; however, the prenancies were terminated. i didn't see the signs until i broke up with him. within a few months of us breaking up, he met and married someone else all the while continuing to pursue me. i thought we could give it another chance. but nope. and thank goodness!!! he is incapable of telling the truth. i know of several situations and when i asked him about them, he denied it to the nth degree. even though i knew better and wanted to believe what he was telling me. he is a handsome, sweet talker with oodles of charisma. but there is nothing beneath the surface. 

  

b/c while he was with me and pursuing me and planning a marriage to someone else, he continued to 'get around'. and still 'rendevousing' with his ex-wife . after giving him and me some thought, i finally saw the light. i'd had far than enough of him contacting me for a reconciliation. i told him to leave me alone. i even called his new wife to tell her that i wasn't doing anything to encourage her husband. 

  

michelle just needs to make the decision to leave this guy. leopards don't change their spots. the words coming out of brad's mouth were words i have heard time and time again from mine. and i love dr. phil's assessment 'high risk, damaged goods sexual addict.' i'd like to add 'gutless' to the beginning of that.  

  

i hope she realizes that this is the hardest part (making the decision and following thru). she will look back on this and realize she IS NOT the one with the problem. brad is. michelle will look back on this and realize that she is the stronger person. she will realize that brad has absolutely no power over her. she has to take control of the situation. sarah is not even a factor because if it isn't her, it will always be someone else. brad is perpetuating this nonsense. and michelle can leave him to perpetuate it without her. the only decision to be made is by michelle.  my prayers are with her. 

 
August 5, 2005, 11:24 am CDT

they're both sickening

Both he & the other woman made me sick. After all the talking Dr. Phil has done with them, it's SO obvious that he still doesn't care that what he's doing is hurting his wife, he still wants to be with the other woman, & he'll cheat on his wife again & again. Dr. Phil is completely wasting his time on this man. This "Sarah" person is really irritating too. I can't believe the two of them keep using the lame excuse of "it just happened"!!! What the ...??? How does having sex with someone just "happen"?? That's kind of an important & serious thing to do for it to just "happen"! She has no concern for her kids. She claimed that choosing between her affair & her kids wasn't a hard choice to make, but you could feel the strain as she was saying she wanted him to leave her alone & that she chooses her kids over him. She ACTUALLY feels TORN when choosing between that guy & her own kids! But it's obvious that she is a very selfish woman (just as selfish as he is) because even though Dr. Phil focused mostly on how he was selfish, she did the exact same thing that he did in her own marriage! She put her kids on the line just like he did & all because she was being selfish. I have no pity for her. I think they're both just as wrong as each other & you can't blame him for victimizing her & using her. She wanted it just like he did, & she didn't control her impulses either. It does take two, after all & I didn't hear any accusations of rape coming from her side. So they're BOTH to blame equally.
 
August 5, 2005, 11:26 am CDT

and one more thing

 Michelle really has to stop being pathetic & just leave him. He's cheated on her how many times & she thinks he's gonna change? She's got her kids she needs to think about instead of being so desperate as to cling to a man like that. Same thing for the husband of the "other woman". What kind of man is that to KNOW that his wife's having an affair but who's gonna just sit there & hope she stops?? They both need to leave those cheaters in the dust.
 
August 5, 2005, 2:10 pm CDT

What Michelle needs

There are two things Michelle needs right now!  A very good lawyer and an HIV test.  I can not fathom how or why she would want to be involved with a man who shows no remorse, regret or indication that he will change his behavior.  He has put this woman and eveyother woman at risk of STD's and more.  As for "Sarah"  she needs to be honest with herself and not hide what she is.  I feel terrible for the children, the damage from the lies and deception has not even begun to show.  I hope Michelle finds the strength and courage to pull her family out of this and I pray her extended family will be there to support and encourage her.
 
August 5, 2005, 5:05 pm CDT

lyonmild

Quote From: lyonmild

Does he have the flattest affect you have ever seen.  I wish I had skin like his.  Not a wrinkle in it, not even the finest line.........this is totally from lack of emotion, for many many years.   He is FLAT. 

He would actually be the poster boy for a BOTOX ad.  I can't believe that this flat affect has never been noticed by others and he doesn't have other problems.  I have worked in mental health for more than 20 years and when you see this kind of personality it is so textbook.   He just sits there like a dead fish.  He has no conscience I believe also.

 

 

This is the best I have seen Dr. Phil act, speak and talk to guests EVER and I have been watching since he came on TV with Oprah during her trial in Texas.  He should be more honest and direct with all of the guests.....I feel he usually lets the guy off way too easy and doesn't force him to address his lies.

 

Well I hope she can finally put herself first and stop thinking about HIM and take care of herself and the kids.   Best wishes to his wife. 

 

The other woman is a dirty, disgusting immoral, female who should also be kicked out and left on her own by her husband.  She needs to learn that there is certain behaviors not acceptable when you are married and a mother.  She makes me sick when she says "How do I do that?"  What a copout, miss martyr.   Sickening.   Women out there  be sure to teach your daughters that there are LOTS of women out there who will do this.  Don't let them have to learn on their own.  And teach them about addicted men also.

  

I cannot tell you how the first paragraph of your messge jumped out at me.  Your commentary is SO accurate.   

  

Thank you 

 
August 5, 2005, 5:15 pm CDT

bdillar

Quote From: bdillar

Thank you for the show today. I have been married for 24 years and have two girls. My husband has cheated on and off, our entire marriage. I found out recently that he has had a ten year mistress who he invited into our lives without my knowledge. She went to our kids softball games, their high school graduations, and I'm told has pictures of my husband and children all over her house. He involed the youngest daughter in the relationship. My oldest would have nothing to do with her.

Three months ago he started going out on the weekends and staying out all night (a new girlfriend I'm sure) on the third weekend he did this I locked all the doors and told him never to come back.

He has asked for counseling however, during our sessions he says that I forced him to do these things. By the way he's not home and I don't know where he lives.

I am very clear that this is not my fault. However, I am having the hardest time filing for a divorce I keep hoping he'll get help and change. I know this is crazy on my part. I have multiple sclerosis and I am scared for my future but he's not there for me any way. I am even turning to God and asking for help and I know this is not what he wants for me. I'm trying hard to find strength. Thanks for your strong words today they helped me get it even more. I'll keep praying for strength.

  

Our stories are SO similar I am in shock.  I will not go into detail here, but rather hope that you continue to read this board and feel free to contact me.  My email is on my profile. 

 
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