As I watched the previous show that aired on Gender Confusion, I found I met all the criteria of having been a gender confused child. All my friends were boys, I loved playing baseball, I played with cars....I didn't like playing games with girls, I didn't play with dolls, and I hated wearing dresses. I wanted to play in Little League, but my mother wouldn't let me. She was already upset because I looked and acted too much like a boy already. My father found a way to make us both happy, and signed me up in a girl's softball league. I hated it, but it was the only way I could play on a team since all my male friends were playing in Little League. I was very close to my father, who accepted me "as is." I was very distant from my mother who wanted me to wear lace dresses and bows in my hair.
When I reached the age of puberty, I cried when I had to start wearing a bra and I was devastated when I started my period because I would be alienated from my male friends. I knew I would loose their respect, and I would be forever identified as a girl...a lesser being considered to have no brains and nothing worthwhile to contribute to society as a whole. After years of hanging with my male friends, this was all I heard about the girls who they talked about...the girls who were first to wear a bra or have a boyfriend. It was also what I heard from older males I encountered outside of my family. I did think about wanting to die if I had to accept being a girl. Ironically, it took a violent act to make me understand that I wasn't worthless.
At age twelve, I was abducted by a stranger and was repeatedly raped. I was lucky to have talked my abductor into letting me go, and I escaped alive. You would think I would have totally turned away from wanting to accept my biological gender, but I didn't. Instead, it is from that experience I learned it was not my fault and I had value in this world. When I let my fears and insecurities rule my life, I was giving my power to the person who hurt me. It was the man who hurt me that only found his power by trying to take it from me. I learned I had power and value that could only be taken away from me if I let someone do it.
I'm 44, now, and I still hate to wear dresses, I still love baseball, and I still have more male than female friends. However, I am married to a wonderful man who loves to cook, clip coupons, go on shopping sprees, and I had to teach him how to change the spark plugs in his car. We both joke about us being born with the wrong plumbing, but we know this is why we work so well together as a couple. We recognize each other as human beings who have interests that do not match our biological sexual identities. Today, I am very happy with who I am. A woman who happens to have male hobbies and interests.
I know it is okay to be a male who is involved in traditionally female interests, and be a female who is involved in traditional male interests. There is a lot of gender confusion for many children between the ages of 8-16. When interests do not traditionally match their gender, it causes even more confusion. Parents need to nurture their child for who they are in both their interests and their biological gender identity. To allow a child to dictate to a parent about their gender identity is just wrong. Yes, you heard me. This person, who was a gender confused child, disagrees with the mother, Dr. Siegal, and the sexologist on today's show (airing 13Jan'09) "Little Boy Lost."
Should any parent allow their young child to tell them (the parent) what to do? I do not mean we have to brow-beat our children into gender submission. We have to lovingly teach our children about traditional meanings of biological gender, but still allow our children to explore their non-traditional hobbies. Our biological identity is part of who we are, and wanting to change it is giving in to our insecurities about our gender role and how we fit into society. For a parent to nurture that insecurity is giving their child's power of identity away to be the strong girl who loves playing with cars to become (perhaps) a mechanic or an engineer someday, or to be the boy who loves to play with dolls to someday become a pediatric nurse/doctor or just a wonderfully caring father.
In childhood, humans develop their interests in trying to find out who they are, how they fit in their family unit, and outside of the family as their society circle broadens. Children do not fully understand gender roles at the age of three. At age three, all I wanted to do was go out to the backyard and have my father pitch a plastic baseball to me so I could hit it. Did I know whether I was a boy or a girl? No. I only knew I loved playing the game with my father. I know some men are born with more estrogen and some women were born with more testosterone, which can play a factor in our behavior and our physical and mental development. It is what makes us different from one another, but it doesn't change the gender we were physically born to be. If I had wanted to trans-gender, and my parents had allowed it, I wonder whether I would be as happy as I am, now, being married to such a wonderful man and have two great kids. Would I have been cheated out of this happy life?
Dr. Phil - I may not have a trans-gender child, but as a "classic gender confused child" myself, I have to say that the mother (on your show) did not exhaust all options to help her child. She just gave in to her child's demands, which you, yourself, has said is something a parent shouldn't do. The parent is supposed to be in charge, and needs to be the guide for their child's development. The fact she was close-minded to what the other two gentleman had to say, says to me, she has just made up her mind to give up on her son and has let her daughter take charge of the child-parent relationship.
I understand, in this controversial debate, you needed to remain the neutral mediator. I hope you understand, in theory, what I am trying to say from the point of view of someone who was a gender confused child and, now, lives as a non-traditional woman who is still the gender of which I was born. I was lucky to have had a great father who skillfully guided my gender role development and still allowed my unique personality to thrive.
What would you do if your little boy wanted to be a little girl? Dr. Phil continues the heated topic of gender-confused kids. After the last show, viewers had a lot to say about the subject, and the message boards lit up with their impassioned opinions. Now, Dr. Phil speaks with Toni, a mother who says she can’t stop grieving the loss of her son who, at 11, began to transition into a female. Toni feels like her son has died, and she’s having a hard time adjusting to having a daughter. Joining the discussion is family researcher Glenn Stanton and psychologist Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, who say it’s the parents' responsibility to guide their children into their gender-born identities. On the opposite side are psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel and psychotherapist Dr. Michele Angello, who say children are born this way, and parents should support their children in their decision to transition to the opposite sex. What do you think is the best way to treat a child with gender identity confusion? Don’t miss the heated debate as Dr. Phil continues to explore this fervid and hotly contested topic. Then, join the discussion.
