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Topic : 01/13 Little Boy Lost

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Created on : Friday, January 09, 2009, 02:26:33 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

What would you do if your little boy wanted to be a little girl? Dr. Phil continues the heated topic of gender-confused kids. After the last show, viewers had a lot to say about the subject, and the message boards lit up with their impassioned opinions. Now, Dr. Phil speaks with Toni, a mother who says she can’t stop grieving the loss of her son who, at 11, began to transition into a female. Toni feels like her son has died, and she’s having a hard time adjusting to having a daughter. Joining the discussion is family researcher Glenn Stanton and psychologist Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, who say it’s the parents' responsibility to guide their children into their gender-born identities. On the opposite side are psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel and psychotherapist Dr. Michele Angello, who say children are born this way, and parents should support their children in their decision to transition to the opposite sex. What do you think is the best way to treat a child with gender identity confusion? Don’t miss the heated debate as Dr. Phil continues to explore this fervid and hotly contested topic. Then, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

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bephillipsjr

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angry

January 13, 2009, 2:03 pm PST

the doctors on your show

i believe that the doctors on todays show need to have thier own head examined.. thy say its not natural for a child to have gender id problems that thier parents need to get more involved especially the father of the child.. Well my fatheer was a dam good role model he tried everything posssible to make us the way society portrays a tyoung man/woman..to make along story short.. iHave been dealing with gender idemntification since werll b4 i can remember but in the society that i grew upo in it was wrong for a boy to believe he was born the wrong sex.. it has nothing to do with gay/lesbian rights it has to do with the way a person no matter how old feels about themself. i also beleive it is better on the child to be supported by his/her parents..our parents do play a huige role in forming our young minds but at the same noter my parents spent most of my childhood trying to make me be a handsome young man to day i am 37 years old and i am still dealing with my gender identifcatioj.I know in my heart and my mind that i should have been a woman i chose to live the way society chose for mwe to be.. now i have several merntal issues which stemed from the stereo typing of the 70/ 80's..im glad to see that parents today have taken the time to help there child figure out what it is that is goin to make them happy..you can not cover up the issues and you cant go about it as the doctors said.. heterosexuality is a stae of mind..if back in the early days of time somebody said it was not immoral to live your life as a woman or a man if u was born the opposite sex, then it would be ok today..but people since the beginning of time have alwways been scaredd of things thy dont understand..if i was able to had my sex changed form male to female when i was younger and was allowed to live my life the way my heart siad i should then i would not bew on medication i wouldnt have went thrui the majority of my life dealing with chronic depression..and my family would not had to put me in the stae hospitals for treatmnent due to the fact that io was tired of being judged by people who dont understand.. or never had to deal with this situation on a personal level..school books can tell u anything that u want to learn but thy dont teach u anything about eaxch and everyones feelings.. this is not a phase that a child just grows out of..

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tnksmom

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Happy

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January 13, 2009, 2:08 pm PST

01/13 Little Boy Lost

I watched today's show and I was disapointed. Because of my religious beliefs, I lean towards siding with the Dr's. However, I cannot imagine dealing with this situation first hand so it would be impossible for me to state how I would handle the situation.

It is clear that Toni is really not okay with her decision. She appeared bitter, angry and quite frankly very childish in her behavior on stage. While the treatments from these doctors may not have worked for her son, who is to say that it will not work on others. Toni stated that the Dr's were close minded. She appeared to be the most close minded on the panel.

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jejsmuz

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Stressed

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January 13, 2009, 2:08 pm PST

natural heterosexuality

It's amazing that this society has come so far as to believe that heterosexuality is now the strange behavior/lifestyle. It's ludicrous and insulting for the psychotherapist (angello) to suggest that heterosexuality is not natural. Basic biology shows that none of us would be here were it not for procreation between man and woman. The gay and transgender community is the minority. That's a basic innocuous fact. I'm so sick of semantics. The man was not denegrading homosexuals by saying heterosexuality is natural. Is the sky blue? Saying it's natural is NOT an insult to those that don't feel/live the same way. Life as we know it takes a certain course for all living things. And in every species, there is a minority that is different. It really is as simple and basic as that. I refuse to feel ashamed of my heterosexuality -- which is where our society is headed. There is nothing wrong with being heterosexual as our chosen lifestyle and no reason for any of us to apologize for it.

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growup101

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January 13, 2009, 2:10 pm PST

Strong Mothers and/or many sisters

Maybe both sides are right? Some biological - genes, nervous system, and some are psychological - nurturing influence?

Although ALL of the girlish guys I know have had strong mothers, many sisters, and no brothers. One girlish guy's father is also girlish.

Since Toni is obviously the "strong" parent, her little boy wants to grow-up to be strong just like Mom?

Most kid will identify with the strong parent. That is why some boys grow-up to beat-up women, even though he hated to see his mother being beaten by Dad. But, he identify with the strong parent - the abusive father was the strong one.

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tnksmom

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Happy

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January 13, 2009, 2:10 pm PST

01/13 Little Boy Lost

Quote From: kahill41

Clearly Toni has parenting issues. Sometimes it's easier to give in than to fight the fight. I think most parents would agree to that. It's not just that the child is confused. The child is 13...repeat 13 years old and did you see the clothing she pulled out of the drawer. A mini skirt and a backless shirt that happens to be her well...um favorite. At no time should a 13 yr old be dressing like that. I'm not saying that one docotor is right and the other is wrong. I don't think they said that a mother loving there son or being close to them makes them gender confused. And I think Toni was completely one sided because she has given in and doesn't want to hear something that makes her feel like she could have done more. Like I said...being a parent isn't easy...being a good parent is even harder. Seems like her other kids might be paying the price as well.

Agreed

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snacks

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angry

January 13, 2009, 2:13 pm PST

Do you have a Child with this?

I totally agree with the mom, how can the therapists say they understand? they don't have any idea what she or her son are going through. Perfect example how can someone without ever being married to someone say "OH I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL". just because you've seen this situation and talked to someone in it, does not mean that you KNOW. i truely feel for the mother of this child. and i do not know how people can say it's a parents fault. she wasn't putting these clothes on her son and telling him he had to go to school, NO the son PICKED THIS. i give the mother major "PROPS" for being able to support her son in this decision. this has got to be a extremely hard thing to go through.

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growup101

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January 13, 2009, 2:15 pm PST

Kids

Kids want to please, especially pleasing the strong parent. And, it could be just one sentence that they key on. "Oh, I wish I have a daughter to dress-up." or something.

Toni also has no business buying her son/daughter those sexy clothes either. That is just way too suggestive for a 11-13 year old teen of any sexual orientation.

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braewindsong

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Happy

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January 13, 2009, 2:19 pm PST

Please know you are valuable!

Quote From: tealin

First, I'm a 15 year old girl and I've wanted to be a guy since I can remember. I hate being myself... Its confusing, and irritating. I've been hiding these feelings for so long now that every day I feel like Im not myself; depressed. Its horrible.

We're not rich or anything, but my parents are obsessed with being seen as 'above average' - and telling them this would be the equivalent of throwing myself out of the house, along with being made a mockery of and having extended family members - who haven't even a say on the matter - gossiping about me.

The last time I was myself - I was around 10. I was running through the woods with my bud, playing Cowboys with cap guns.. man, it was wicked but when we got back I distinctly remember my dad yelling at me that girls shouldn't play with guns. we got in a fight where I yelled I wished I wasn't a girl among other rude things and stormed off.

I don't dress up. My usual attire consists of baggy jeans, t shirts and hoodies... I've grown far from my parents and even though my friends respect me as a 'tom-boy' I still don't allow myself to show them how far across the line i've actually gone.

I've been confused and depressed for so long, but I turned on the television today and everything that was said, the signs, the feelings and all that bloody stuff... It's me. I HAVE THIS...

Atleast I'm not alone.

Tealin,

Your message touched my heart. As a mother of 3 grown children and a lesbian I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and you are a valuable wonderful child. I read your message to my partner and she wanted to tell you that she can so identify with your story. The way you feel is NORMAL for you even if it doesn't fit into society's gender limitations. My advice "to thine ownself be true".

_____

About the show...

I was grateful that this issue is being discussed. The issue is so polarizing and both sides seem to be represented on the boards almost better than it was on the show.

I applaud Toni for supporting her child the best she can. It's not like there is a "How to raise a mis-gendered child" handbook. She had a right to be defensive and emotional especially when dealing with so called experts that want to blame the attachment or lack of such to either parent and wanted to deny that there are just some people who's outside doesn't match their inside.

Welcoming all debates...

Brae

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atoews

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January 13, 2009, 2:20 pm PST

Real problem with gender confusion

Clearly some people are BORN not clearly one gender or another. Does anyone really think they can "train" Kojak or Ross the Intern or k.d. lang to be more of their own (supposed) sex?

If, as Dr. Phil says, our greatest need is acceptance, then the only way to help these "gender confused" people is to not try and force them into one gender or another. We need to accept them just as they are, which is difficult in a culture that so strongly wants to categorize people into one gender or another. In fact, it is too bad that our pronouns force us to push people into one gender or another. Some people are neither hes, shes or its. None of these quite fit Kojak, Ross the Intern, or k.d. lang, do they?

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angeleyes4you

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January 13, 2009, 2:20 pm PST

go toni

i think she has the right idea about those two drs. i am a mother of 4 boys one of whom is gay and dying from aides at the age of 18 and one who is bi sexual at the age of 15 so how dare the drs associate TI to being gay or bi sexual i believe my sons knew what was going on with their sexuality at a very early age, due to the behaviors that they expressed. my boys have all had a closer bond to their father than they have with me so the thoughts that the fathers should bond more with the kids is outragiouse.my youngest son who is attatched to my hip at all times is straight and knows his sexuality so to blame this on the parents is crazy . I feel as a parent is is our duty to listen to our children and support our children in any way possible, and listen to our children.I have the oppinion that if oparents would listen to their children more that kids these days would be more open and honest with parents instead of hiding feelings and actng out

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