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Topic : 06/12 Fighting Fair

Number of Replies: 55
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Created on : Thursday, January 22, 2009, 01:21:23 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 01/26/09) All couples argue, but Dr. Phil says name-calling, temper tantrums and hitting below the belt can ruin a marriage. He sits down with Mark and Leana who have been married for only five months but say they’re headed for divorce court. Leana says her husband spends more time with his bandmates than he does with her and their four children. Mark says Leana constantly emasculates him, and he accuses her of being unfaithful. You won’t believe what home video cameras captured during the newlyweds' 62-minute fight. Find out what Dr. Phil witnesses that disturbs him the most. Can this couple resolve their differences, or should they call it quits? If you and your spouse are having knock-down, drag-out battles, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s rules for fighting fair! Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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January 26, 2009, 1:12 pm CST

Before they were married.........

Quote From: indycolts1786

I understand that every couple argues. However, I was disgusted and appalled when I saw her holding her 3 month old little girl and yelling profanities at her husband.

Dr. Phil said that their fighting will change the children, which is true. It also teaches those children to fight in the wrong way. If they use their parents as role models- they're not setting themselves up for successful relationships in the future.

Overall, I was very upset by this show. I don't understand why they got married in the first place- I wonder if their dating life was as dreadful as their marriage.
-- Best of luck to them though!

  They had to know that they were already not getting along prior to getting married. There is no way that all of this came up only after they tied the knot. It was only 5 months ago. Personally both of them disgusted me, he is just as guilty as she is. Yes, she had the louder and dirtier mouth but what is he doing to help? Nothing! He instead eggs it on.

  I whole heartedly agree that fighting in front of the children is the WORST thing that a parent can do. To me it's just another form of child abuse. Shame on both of them and the thousands of other couples who also engage in the same type of behavior.

 
January 26, 2009, 1:17 pm CST

Sorry but..........

Quote From: jaspersleg

This "wife" wants her husband to put her and the kids first? She obviously does not care about her kids...she only cares about herself. No loving mother would do what she does on a daily basis. I feel so sorry for this husband and these little ones. He's young with small children and has this loud, foul-mouthed girl screaming at him constantly? Being bullied is a very serious problem and one that can end tragically. I hope he can see that he is worthy of someone who will treat him with respect and dignity. I love that he cares for the kids and wanted to play a video game with his son...then she sends him back upstairs and doesn't allow him to play with his Dad? Nice.

Here is my advice to her:

Encourage him to play in the band...and go watch!

Take a breath and know that he loves you...it's obvious.

Put the happiness of your children first.

Be a good role model, stop swearing.

Tell your kids how wonderful their Dad is.

Stop threatening divorce...he just might take you up on it.

Make yourself happy! Go to the gym, find a hobby, meditate...

My advice for him:

Keep rockin'! Music can keep you sane.

Take time for yourself.

Keep playing with those little ones...they need you.

Take your wife to a movie or out to dinner, something romantic in a public place.

Don't believe the things she says about you.

 

I wish your family the best,

Diana.

I just can't be as sympathetic to the husband as you are. They are both contributing to this problem and they had to have already been arguing this way prior to getting married. There's no way this magically popped up after they tied the knot in a measly 5 months. Unfortunately they are not the only couple who fights in this exact manner and include the children in it. The first thing both of these people need to do is grow up and find their maturity which is sorely lacking.
 
January 26, 2009, 1:22 pm CST

Are you kidding me???

Hello all!
Okay, this wife is a real piece of work. Now I am not in their house, but I have a very good idea of what is going on. She most likely CHOSE to stay at home with the kids, not to work. Then her husband goes to work and supports his household, she complains. He is tired from working all the time, and music is a passion of his. She complains yet again. I bet that when they met she was all into his music, most likely she was hoping he would make it, have lots of money rolling in. (This is just my "guess").
Now, she is wrong for holding the children over his head. It is obvious that he loves those kids, and wants to be around them. If you ask me, which I know you did not, she is a horrible wife, and possibly not a great mother. Does she realize what she is doing to the kids? Does she know how much she is destroying them? She might or might not. If she does, it is obvious that she does not care. Why would you yell and cuss in front of (and holding) your children? You are just trying to hurt each other, and you should stop. Ask yourselves, "Do you love your partner?" Honestly answer the question. If you have to think about, chances are you do not. I honesty believe that you two will end in divorce. Is that what you want? If so, go for it. One thing I can tell you NOT to do, is stay together for the children. I understand that you do not want your kids in a "broken home", but do you really think that they would be happy with you two together, fighting all the time? No, they will not. There are worse things out there than coming from a "broken home".
Okay, now I have a few things I want to say about the wife. I am guessing (I did not catch all of the show, sorry Dr. Phil) that she has been hurt in some way, either as a child or in a previous relationship. Maybe her dad was not around, or maybe an ex hurt her. That could be why she is lashing out at her husband. IF this is true, she needs to do some personal soul searching. Maybe she does not know who she is, or maybe she is just an unhappy person. I don't know, I'm not a doctor, so I can't be sure.
Okay husband it's your turn! Don't stop playing your music. If you are anything like my fiance, you LOVE your music! Don't stop. She accepted it when you first got together, so why does she not accept it now? She chose the life she has, she needs to live it. Maybe you two should try and find a babysitter, and she can go and watch you play. Maybe this will "spark" an old flame, maybe. I also think it is great that you want to spend time with the kids, she should never stop you from doing this. One other thing, I'm not sure if she has done this yet or not, but if she has not, she might do it.: tell you the kids are not yours (which they might not be I don't know), tell you she cheats, threatens to go back to an ex, threaten to take the kids and you will never see them. Now like I said before, I was not able to catch the entire show. So those things might go on now.
Alright guys, I know what you might be thinking. Who are you to say all of these things? You are not perfect you know. If so, you are right. I'm not perfect. I am guilty of trying to hurt my fiance in our first year together. When we would fight, I would lash out and try to "win". I know that I was wrong, and I almost lost my soul mate. Now when we fight (which we hardly do), we end it in laughter. He is always right! Do you have any idea how annoying that is? But it is okay, I love him and I have learner to listen to him.
I am thirty years old, but my head is still screwed up from things that happened in my house when I was a child. I lived with my mom at the time, and you have no idea what kind of things I saw, and went through. I know I have problems, and I am working on them. So, (wife) look into yourself. Did you go through something? If so, please get help. I promise you will be a happier person.
Okay, I'm stepping off of my soap box now. I hope you all have a great day!!!
Oh, Dr. Phil....you are way too many commercials during your show. I realize you have to pay bills, but man...that's alot of commercials.....
 
January 26, 2009, 1:22 pm CST

01/26 Fighting Fair

Dr. Phil, I disagree with Mark needing to wake in the mornings and ask himself what he can do to make his wife's life better. I think it makes more sense for him to ask himself what he needs to do to make his childrens lives better, and she should be willing to except that as a loving wife. Life does not circle around just her.
 
January 26, 2009, 1:59 pm CST

01/26 Fighting Fair

It really is a shame that we are not taught how to fight fair before we get married.  All the emphasis is on the wedding day, not the marriage.

 
January 26, 2009, 3:18 pm CST

Fighting Fair

Quote From: parvenir

Dr. Phil seemed to be extra critical of Leana.  Given that she is home taking care of three young children while Mark is out playing his guitar every Friday and Saturday evening, I can understand why she is so frustrated.  I think Phil should have taken that fact into consideration while providing his counsel to the couple.  If the family does not need the additional income that Mark may receive from the band then maybe he should consider resigning his position in the band or, at the very least, curb the number of gigs so that he can spend more time with his lovely family.

I really don't feel that you are correct in what you are saying, mostly because I went to school with this man. I've watched their relationship over the past years and I've seen her cause hate and discontent with everyone around her if they tried to step in and stop the fighting she was intending for her husband. This man is a genuinely good man. He genuinely cares for his kids, and for her. BUT, he has been dealing with her 'outbreaks' for too long. I was happy to see that Dr. Phil called her out on everything she was doing wrong. She needed to hear it from someone that had some experience and counsel. Mark has come from a broken home. You have no idea what it means to him to have a complete family because he doesn't want the same struggles for his children as he and his brothers had to deal with. This band has been together since high school, since before she was ever in the picture. This is his life. She knew it when she met him. For the fact that they only play on the weekends, means there is 4-5 other days that can be considered family time. (Dinners together, games with the children, reading at bedtime to the children, then once the kids are asleep, couple time) He should never consider quitting the band because she can't stand seeing him go do something on his own that doesn't involve her. She should be proud that he is incredibly talented and gifted and that yes he is good looking and attracts women, but at the end of the day, he is all hers. He wouldn't have married her if he didn't feel something for her. I know him that well. She should be positive in her thinking in all aspects of her life. Hang on to the good and quit dwelling on the bad. I've watched that man completely ignore women throwing themselves at him. He is not the creature she was trying to make the nation see. She should be happy that someone is giving the effort to stay with her crazy self. She needs to seek serious help and get her mind in order. Once she does that, she will find the rest will fall into place. Including her husband and a great family.
 
January 26, 2009, 3:39 pm CST

Leana is a witch.

Someone call child protective services please?

Leana get help or get out!
 
January 26, 2009, 3:44 pm CST

Fighting Fair

Quote From: jewelsf

  I would say that this couple acts like a couple of 5 year old's but I believe that 5 year old's actually do behave better, that would be an insult to the little ones. Why in the world do couples have to argue and fight in this manner? They aren't the only ones, I personally know other couples who behave just as badly and tend to include the children. They (and everyone who acts like this) needs to grow up and try to behave like adults. Why did they ever get married in the first place? Only 5 months and they were unaware that they had problems? Let's get real here, they already knew before they walked down that aisle.

  I'm not bragging here but I have to say that after being married for almost 22 years my husband and I have not once had an argument on this level, actually not even close. Too be extremely honest, we have really never fought at all. We've disagreed on certain topics of course but we simply talk it through and we both look at whatever the topic may be and discuss it like mature grown adults. We are both willing to see it from each others eyes. What is so hard about that?

  We haven't even had anything to disagree about for over 18 years. The only thing we have ever had any tension over was when we were first married and his children (whom I happen to love) and his ex wife would try to start problems. I also have to include his mother in that a few times. But my very beautiful husband who happens to respect me would listen to me and we would work together to solve whatever problem had come up. We happened to have custody of his children, who were teenagers at the time, and NOT ONCE did we EVER discuss any of this in front of them. No way!!!!! Yes, the children could be difficult at times but although I was only 23 at the time I knew they were still reeling from the divorce of their parents and the fact that dad had a new wife. They didn't ask for any of this and I understood that. And BTW, not once has my husband ever spoken badly about his first wife in front of his children, even to this day now that they are adults with families of their own.

  I'm a firm believer in Dr Phil's saying "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?". Both my husband and I would rather be happy! But I sure know a lot of people who would rather be right no matter how miserable they may be because of it.

  The saddest part of this whole thing is what it's doing to the children. If the parents have no respect for themselves or their spouses, they should at least have some respect for their children. This is just another form of child abuse in my eyes. My husband and I both grew up in homes where we never saw our own parents fight and that's the way it's supposed to be. Shame on them!

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
"Love And Respect"

The concepts you spoke about were wonderful. Many of the concepts are addapted and focused on in this book. I realize that not everyone comes at fighting from a Christian perspective, but this book will really get these two headed in the right direction. On top of the book that you suggested of your own Dr. Phil. My husband and I have enjoyed the strenght that this book has developed in our marriage.
 
January 26, 2009, 3:45 pm CST

3 children and 5 months of marriage?

Umm maybe its just me but the math isn't adding up? 3 children and 5 months of marriage? So either kids  from other relationships or they had kids before marriage. Thats a good start.....

I really feel for those kids, as I was 1 of 4 kids who had to listen to that many, many times when I was a young kid, young enough not to be able to do anything, to leave, to want to run away, but young enough, so I still knew, still felt, still shook when I knew what was happening, the yelling, the swearing, the threats, the cops being called... You never forget those days, not even a detail, not for a seconds. I can still go over every detail, everytime, even now, 15 yrs later......

Leana needs some serious help, she seems to initiate things, and then just run her mouth off to keep the arguement going.... I suprised their has not been alot more physical abuse...

My guess, Id give them 5% tops of working out. She's just too outta control....
 
January 26, 2009, 3:47 pm CST

Christmas tree

Atleast they had enough non-fight time to put up the Christmas tree.
 
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