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Topic : 06/12 Fighting Fair

Number of Replies: 55
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, January 22, 2009, 01:21:23 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 01/26/09) All couples argue, but Dr. Phil says name-calling, temper tantrums and hitting below the belt can ruin a marriage. He sits down with Mark and Leana who have been married for only five months but say they’re headed for divorce court. Leana says her husband spends more time with his bandmates than he does with her and their four children. Mark says Leana constantly emasculates him, and he accuses her of being unfaithful. You won’t believe what home video cameras captured during the newlyweds' 62-minute fight. Find out what Dr. Phil witnesses that disturbs him the most. Can this couple resolve their differences, or should they call it quits? If you and your spouse are having knock-down, drag-out battles, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s rules for fighting fair! Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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January 26, 2009, 6:55 pm CST

Wow

This guy seems like a great guy, I bet he is tired of her nagging. You should send him my way!
 
January 26, 2009, 7:12 pm CST

Wasnt listening

Quote From: hope7130

Every time Dr. Phil explained or pointed something out to Leana,she came back with "I did but" or she expressed something that she wanted to discuss which did not tie into the point of Dr. Phil and he allowed this.....what happened to calling it as you see it...

 

She got Dr. Phil to point the finger at Mark and say don't do that which is what she wanted, again wanting to be "Right".  Leana needs counseling, she's at home with the kids and not feeling like an adult, in short, she needs to get a life in order to plug into the Married life!

I agree with you. I thought she always had a smirk on her face like she thought something was funny and that she wasn't  listening. I hope she gets it soon. She has all the power but is using it all wrong.  The "I did buts" got on my nerves.
I would like to know what happens in the future. I would wish her to find happiness within herself then her whole family would be happy because it's true... if momma ain't happy- ain't nobody happy.
It made me so sad to see them fighting in front of those kids. How sad for them... Thank goodness they got on Dr. Phil, it has to make a difference.
 
 
January 26, 2009, 8:03 pm CST

Divorce isn't all bad, if you're fighting this much

I just watched this show and it hit me so hard to watch them fighting like that in front of their children, because that was me and my husband last year. We were fighting so much, and couldn't seem to control ourselves, even though we knew it was horrible and had to stop. We went to several marriage counselors, but none of them helped. Finally, he just moved out, and honestly, it's been fine. We share custody and the kids are MUCH better off. Nothing is worse than fighting like that in front of your kids. I know, because my sister and I are still warped from listening to our parents fighting for years when we were little.

 

My point here is, if you're fighting this much, don't be terrified of separation or divorce. Maybe just have one of you move out while you get some counseling, and then, get together every other day with the kids, and promise during that hour or two you will not fight.

 

Divorce is not the end of the world. The kids are far better off than if they have to live with screaming, abusive, angry parents like those two on that show. (Especially if you can separate and still remain friends and not fight over the kids!)

 

Honestly, being a "single mom" (divorced mom) with two little ones is hard, but at least our home is safe and peaceful, and when they're with their dad, they have a peaceful happy home, too. So, they have two peaceful happy homes, and still have two loving parents. I'm not saying don't try to fix what's wrong in your marriage, but if you can't, don't make your kids pay for it.

 
January 26, 2009, 9:38 pm CST

Oh please, what hipocrits

Come on, people. I love how all of you bash them both and then say "best of luck though" The only thing harder than raising your children is staying in a healthy, happy marriage. You have no idea what their past was, what role models they had, or what they too learned as children.

 

Stop judging them and give them advice on what works. The whole family needs to get in church...to find a support network for them and their children. It makes a world of difference. God first has susstained us. She should grab the book "Wild at Heart" which is written by John Eldredge,a christian author that explains the desires of a mans heart in biblical terms, great book. He can read "Captivating"  which is the counterpart to Wild at Heart. Divorce is not an option. Take it out of your vocabulary. It will not happen overnight. Pray together, and often.  Our God created the universe and everything around you, he can turn your marriage around. You have to believe it...

 
January 27, 2009, 9:03 am CST

Quiet Men

I am surprised after reading some of the blogs about this show that people weren't getting what a quiet man if a tempestuous relationship does, as did the husband on this show.  They have quiet ways of causing harm that others don't witness, which hurt their partner very much.  On this show, the husband sat quietly, saying little, looking charming and handsome.  But something has happened to the wife that has caused a powerful reaction in her.  Sure, she is poor in dealing with her rage, but she said one telling thing - when she cries, he laughs at her.  How cruel is that?  And how much more cruel treatment of her like that do you think has occurred?  And then he can sit there and look very innocent.  Because she is the one acting out, she appears to be the primary problem.  When that happens, and he is looking so guiltless in front of others, it further enrages her.  As long as he does not stop using his secret power base in the relationship, she has no chance of recovering and this marriage will not recover.  Both partners are equal participants - she in a loud way, he in a quiet way.  She got criticized plenty on the show because her pain is so visible.  Her power in the marriage will be to stop reacting to his quiet treatment of her.  If she cannot get him to participate in ending his hurtful behaviors after getting control of herself, the marriage cannot go on, because it is based on gaining power, not in learning how to love and respect one another.  At this late time in life (I'm 62), I've learned that marriage has to have 2 things:  complete RESPECT of one another, which encompasses much more that simple kindness - it includes getting out of yourself enough to think generously about your partner, and secondly, SAFETY, both emotional and physical.  If love is possible in a relationship, it will grow if these two things are in place first.  These 2 qualities come naturally to some, others of us have to understand how necessary the concept is and then practice over and over until they can consistently apply it. 

 

There was a article in our paper that recited an old Native American story.  A grandfather was teaching his grandson about the battle that rages within all of us.  He said, "Two wolves struggle inside of each of us.  One wolf is vengeful, angry, resentful, fearful and full of self pity.  The other wolf is compassionate, faithful, truthful, hopeful and loving"  The boy asked, "Which wolf wins, Grandfather?"  And his grandfather said, "The one you feed."  The point is that the couple on the show was not only feeding the first wolf, but turning it into a glutton.  All of us have a choice about which part within us to encourage.  The young mother in this show did not believe that the kinder wolf within her even existed or could survive in her marriage.  If the husband really was stuck on using underhanded tactics others could not see, accessing her kinder wolf would be the only way to find out if a kind wolf existed in him - which would give the real answer on whether to go or stay.

 
January 27, 2009, 11:06 am CST

I agree with you!

Quote From: kikisue

I am surprised after reading some of the blogs about this show that people weren't getting what a quiet man if a tempestuous relationship does, as did the husband on this show.  They have quiet ways of causing harm that others don't witness, which hurt their partner very much.  On this show, the husband sat quietly, saying little, looking charming and handsome.  But something has happened to the wife that has caused a powerful reaction in her.  Sure, she is poor in dealing with her rage, but she said one telling thing - when she cries, he laughs at her.  How cruel is that?  And how much more cruel treatment of her like that do you think has occurred?  And then he can sit there and look very innocent.  Because she is the one acting out, she appears to be the primary problem.  When that happens, and he is looking so guiltless in front of others, it further enrages her.  As long as he does not stop using his secret power base in the relationship, she has no chance of recovering and this marriage will not recover.  Both partners are equal participants - she in a loud way, he in a quiet way.  She got criticized plenty on the show because her pain is so visible.  Her power in the marriage will be to stop reacting to his quiet treatment of her.  If she cannot get him to participate in ending his hurtful behaviors after getting control of herself, the marriage cannot go on, because it is based on gaining power, not in learning how to love and respect one another.  At this late time in life (I'm 62), I've learned that marriage has to have 2 things:  complete RESPECT of one another, which encompasses much more that simple kindness - it includes getting out of yourself enough to think generously about your partner, and secondly, SAFETY, both emotional and physical.  If love is possible in a relationship, it will grow if these two things are in place first.  These 2 qualities come naturally to some, others of us have to understand how necessary the concept is and then practice over and over until they can consistently apply it. 

 

There was a article in our paper that recited an old Native American story.  A grandfather was teaching his grandson about the battle that rages within all of us.  He said, "Two wolves struggle inside of each of us.  One wolf is vengeful, angry, resentful, fearful and full of self pity.  The other wolf is compassionate, faithful, truthful, hopeful and loving"  The boy asked, "Which wolf wins, Grandfather?"  And his grandfather said, "The one you feed."  The point is that the couple on the show was not only feeding the first wolf, but turning it into a glutton.  All of us have a choice about which part within us to encourage.  The young mother in this show did not believe that the kinder wolf within her even existed or could survive in her marriage.  If the husband really was stuck on using underhanded tactics others could not see, accessing her kinder wolf would be the only way to find out if a kind wolf existed in him - which would give the real answer on whether to go or stay.

This is pretty much the same point that I've been trying to make. The husband is guilty also in his own way. Just because he's not the one yelling does not make him an innocent. It takes two people to have fights like this, otherwise they wouldn't be happening at all and especially not on such a frequent basis. I didn't watch the entire program because I was fed up with their behavior but when you mentioned that the husband laughs at the wife when she cries? That is a horrible thing to do! I'm appalled! Yet almost everyone on this board is making the wife out to be a monster. People need to open their eyes and realize that there is a lot more going on here than what they think.
 
January 28, 2009, 10:42 am CST

01/26 Fighting Fair

Quote From: jewelsf

Where is the husbands responsibilty in all of this? Dr. Phil seemed to pick the wife out for all of the things they do wrong, the husband is just as guilty.
Did you not hear that the wife started 90% of the fights and her goal was inflict as much pain as possible.  If I was married to someone like her, I wouldn't want to be around her either.  Dr. Phil was just focusing on the person that needed the most help in that marriage.
 
January 28, 2009, 5:34 pm CST

Fighting fair

Leana i understand you, my husband was and is now a lead singer and a lead guatar player. and loves playing, my husband watched the show with me and thought your husband was so wrong, It was ok tell i had my first child wow, staying at home with our baby every friday and saturday night got me depressed, and when he walked out that door he didnt think it was fair. People dont relize, you have to go to weddings , class reunions , graduations by yourself or without your spouse, so its not easy to be married to someone in the band. If your husband is ready to be married he needs to put it on hold for a while and get different band members that dont want to play every night. My husband took a break for 10 years, we worked hard and built a house. I asked him to start up again because that is one thing i loved about him. we have a great band together, nobody doesnt get mad if they cant play, we all work together, notice i say we, i dont play , but i feel part of it .hes been playing know for 8 years. i never missed a night  to be there , but i love to dance, and have fun. He wont even play if my daughter has a gymnastics meet that weekend. Sometimes i cant wait tell he plays, it keeps us young. So i hope your husband reads this. He should take a break, or find a differnt band that doesnt play all the time. I thing doctor phil is thinking of his son that plays in a band- or my poor son , hope he doesnt meet a wife that doesnt want my son to play. family is important.
 
January 29, 2009, 12:08 pm CST

I watched them fight......

Quote From: bullock607

Did you not hear that the wife started 90% of the fights and her goal was inflict as much pain as possible.  If I was married to someone like her, I wouldn't want to be around her either.  Dr. Phil was just focusing on the person that needed the most help in that marriage.
She may be the one who starts the fights but how he reacts to it makes a huge difference. THAT'S where his responsibility comes in. Living with him would be no picnic either. They both need help in learning how to cope, not just the wife. The husband is clueless, or maybe not, of how to keep this behavior from escalating, he fuels the fire instead. Yes, I heard her say that she is trying to inflict as much pain as possible but why does she feel the need to go that far? Because he won't sit down and actually listen to what she has to say? Thats what I think. Marriage is a two way street and they are both responsible. On top of everything this couple has been together for years yet he has 'chosen' to continue to procreate with her knowing full well what her personality is like. Was that a responsible decision on his part? Why did they get married in the first place when their relationship was already obviously very rocky? No, the husband is not the innocent little lamb being led off to slaughter by his devil of a wife. You're giving him way too much credit.
 
February 3, 2009, 6:14 pm CST

test the parents

I need to respond to this show.It was like watching me and my husband on t.v.. We just got married in september and we already throw around the word divorce. I am hugely to blame for our problems. I never wanted to admit the problems were my fault but as time went on i realized that it it my fault. So i took matters into my own hands and saw a doctor, and this doctor diagnosed me as IEM. Its a disorder that involves anger problems and thinking the whole world is against them, and with medication and a great psychologist this can be controlled. I really think that this wife has this problem and should seek help.If she doesnt i dont think they will last much longer. Im not saying that my marriage is great right now but i am willing to get help to save my marriage. I love my husband and to finally put a name to what i have is great because this whole time i knew something was wrong me but i never knew what .And now my husband also knows that its a disorder and not just me yelling at him. I love him adn he loves me and ill do whatever it takes to save this marriage and so will he, if they are not fully invested in the relationship then i dont see a future for them but i can see the love they have for each other . I hope they get the help they need , both together and individually.

 

 
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