Topic : 06/22 Time to Grow Up!

(...one of them, anyway).  18 yr old couldn't deal with living with bio-mom. Moved in with us.  Now 21, still here, barely working, not contributing even through chores.

 

Further complicated, however, by the fact that even after getting my husband (her bio-dad) over to my way of thinking -- which is that she'll NEVER grow up and be self-sufficient as long as we continue to make life so easy for her -- the consequences of not contributing (no heat in her room until she pays for it) caused her to go stay with HIS parents (where do you think he learned guilt-parenting?).  Now, she's been staying there, visiting here and her belongings are still here, preventing us from using the BEST room of our house.  Her sisters have been sharing a room while hers is unused.

 

NaNa and Papa spoil her worse than hubby did ... she drives their cars, her Facebook page is riddled with inappropriate photos and constant complaints of being hungover.

 

The worst part?  Hubby has, meanwhile, built me a new bedroom in the cellar so that the younger girls can have their own rooms rather than face the issue of the eldest moving her belongings out!  Don't get me wrong, I love the new digs and intend on staying in them, but her room would make an excellent gym (it's cool year-round, overlooks the lake, and we can move the weight bench indoors, the treadmill out of the utility room, re-assemble the SoloFlex...  Hubby lost 75 lbs last year (I'm SO proud of him!!) and needs a place to continue his amazing progress.  But no.  He still puts her whims above the benefit of the family. 

 

I do NOT understand it.  Perhaps because our own kids are only 5 and 6, but I believe I'd set a higher standard for them ... I've, for sure, given them a better head-start in lessons relating to personal responsibilities, consequences and pride of achievement.

 

I don't get his parenting, her laziness NOR grandparents' intruding.

 

- Distraught Desiree

 

This message is to say that I noticed a certain bias coming from Dr.Phil directed at the female on the show whos parents are over $100,000 in debt because of her and her brother.

Dr.Phil really laid into her for being dependant on her family but not her brother.

D

r.Phil aslo was very easy on the guy from the other family who in my opinion is just a deadbeat and a jerk.

I notice this all of the time from Dr.Phil, and it's one of the reasons that I have only once found a male therapist that really did me any good.

I understand that the family with two dependant children are in more financial trouble but, the mommy who likes to coddle her deadbeat used carsalesman wanna-be son is fascinating in the aspect that she would feel guilty in making her son get a job and be a responsible parent and that Dr.Phil did threaten throwing him out on the streets.

My parents threw me out on the streets at the age of 17 because I ran the gas bill up taking showers.

I never got the chance to help them pay the gas bill.I got thrown out because they had beer and cigarettes to buy, and two teenage boys to buy cars for and flip cash to for their dates.

I'm still very sensitive to the double standards and the empty threats that go to the males and the harsh realities for the females.

It's always easy to get the females to cry and so enetertaining to watch the males laugh off their jerk-off personalities.

 My hands are tied! I've been dating this man for almost a year, not a flaw. (almost)

 The 26 year old son lives in the basement. No job, plays on line gambling most of the night. Other than that, barely leaves the house. The wife passed 2 years ago and I believe the father is so overcome with guilt about it, he doesn't require anything from the son. He gave him a 25 thousand dollar car, pays for the xm in it, fast pass, groceries, you name it The son doesn't contribute at all to the household. Worse still, the girlfriend lives there 2-4 days a week. (she has a job) It's not that the father can't afford it, as in the case of your guests, but when, if ever, will this  "kid" grow up? He and I can't discuss it anymore because it always turns into an argument.....which one of us needs the therapy??

I do agree with some of what you said.  I do like DR PHIL and hardly ever miss an episode but am not stupid enough to agree with everything he does or says.  I agree with you on the point with Samantha.  How is she supposed to find a job with no car.  I dont give a crap what town or city you go to there are very few jobs to be had out there these days.

As the mother of 2 grown daughters (one 25 with 3 kids and the other one 28) who are still living at home I also feel for the parents,  but they chose to have it this way just as I have chosen to do this.  I dont know how I would ever throw either of them out on the streets.  They both have a lot of physical and emotional issues.

I would love to see them grow up and get a life of their own but I also know that it is not likely to happen until I am gone from this world.  The 28 year old has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. She has bipolar and Anti-Social personality.  She hates being around people, it makes her extremely nervous.  She has had several jobs and has moved out a few times but she didnt have the maturity to handle it.  I wish I could help her in some way other than just throwing her out onto the streets.  I wish there was some place she could go to help her mature and deal with life.

The 25 year old has major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, fibromylgia and suffers from chronic migranes (2 to 3 a week).  She too has had several jobs and has moved out a couple times but now with 3 boys  whose dad abandoned them she just cant make it on her own with her health.

So yeah it is hard to just throw them out. 

And I agree that Samantha and Jonathon should not have to give up their cars or anything.  It is not as easy to make it on your own as DR phil would like everyone to beleive.  He may have been born poor as dirt and made it on his own but not everyone can become super rich and have life handed to them on a silver platter.

I have been out of my parents home since I was 17.  But not everyone can be.  There are those who just dont develop enough  mentally to be able to do it. I know because I work with people with Developmental Disabilities.

Would I like to see my grown kids in their own homes, making it on their own?  You can bet on it.

I know what you mean.  My 44 year old drug addict sister lives with my parents.  They can barely feed themselves much less her.  What makes me mad though is that they will let her stay with them, cuss them and treat them like dirt but will not for the lives of them do a thing for the rest of us,  They wouldnt even let my brother (who does drugs too but not to the extent my sister does) stay with them when he had no place at all to go.  Now he lives next door and daddy cusses him like a dog if he just comes over there. They have a tiny 2 bedroom apt and my mama sleeps on the couch in the living room (she cant sleep with my dad due to his health problems) so my sister and her 17 year old twin daughters can have the bedroom.  No one exists for them but my sister and her three daughters ( she has 4, I have the 12 year old and the 4 year old lives with her dad),  I told them they were just enabeling her to continue her drug use because they do everything for her.  If she is gone on a drug benge for more than 1 night my dad (who has heart problems and can barely walk ) will get out and hunt her down.  It is pathetic.

Everyone seems to think that just because grown kids are living at home that as parents we are supporting them.  I am not paying one penny (except for diapers) more than I would be if they werent here.

Neither one has a car and if they did they would have to pay their own insurance.  If they have cell phones they buy their own minutes or do without a phone.  Both adult kids buy and cook their own food.  And no neither one works and couldnt hold a job if they had one (and they have had several),  One is bipolar/with antisocial personality. The other one has Generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, fibromylgia and chronic migranes (2 to 3 a week).

I dont mind them being here either, but I will not pay for things like phones and cars and insurance and stuff like that.

I'm Ardy, Jason's mom. The 25 yr. old that still lives at home from the show.  I too, don't pay for Jason's car, car insurance, cell phone etc. But, as Dr. Phil said he needs to learn how to figure it out. Pay his own rent, buy his own food etc.  Even living at home and only giving him a roof still does not give him the pride to go out and earn his own living expenses. fyi...

I am wondering how to get a child to grow up myself.  My 28 year old has the maturity of a 12 year old.  She has Bipolar and Anti Social personality.  She is very self conscious  and does not like to be around people.

She has had trouble with weight all her life.  She started gaining weight in kindergarten.  She takes after her dads side of the family, most of whom are overweight.  She has gone from one destructive relationship to another.  She doesnt see herself  as someone that deserves to be loved and deserves to be happy.  (like her mom)

I feel that a lot of her problems stem from me and my own problems.  I married her father to get away from home and to escape my own abusive father.  I was called names and told how stupid I was all my life.  When My daughter came along I was barely 19 and had no idea how to raise a child.  Needless to say I dont feel that we bonded as mother and child when she was little.  I married a mamas boy who couldnt stand the idea of being away from mama so she either lived with us, next door to us or in a camper in our back yard.  I had never stood up for myself as a kid or teen so when she would want to do something with my daughter I didnt put up a fight.  I was a pushover.  And if I did say something she would just do what she wanted to anyway and my husband did nothing to stop her.  I loved my daughter dearly but there just didnt seem to be that bond there. She hated to be held and cuddled. Maybe she sensed something in me, I dont know.  But anyway she has been very timid and shy ever since I can remember. Like me she had very few friends in school.  She was made fun of because of her weight.   So she has a few emotional problems and I have no clue how to help her gain the confidence and self esteem she needs to stand on her own 2 feet.  How can I teach her when I dont possess confidence or self esteem?  How can I teach her something I dont have? I wish the problem just existed with her but I have a 25 year old too who lives at home.  She too has a lot of problems. She has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and Fibromylgia.  She also has chronic migranes (2 or 3 a week).  She has no self esteem or confidence in herself either. Unlike her older sister we bonded instantly when she was born. I was a little older and didnt let my mother in law just take her over like I did with the older one.  However I feel that a lot of her problems goes back to the way she was raised.  I didnt have self worth or confidence.  I let her get by with everything. I didnt parent either of the girls very well and it shows. I didnt teach them how to grow up. I didnt teach them how to have confidence and self worth because I didnt have any.  She has 3 little boys. Her first love and the father of 2 of them abused her and cheated on her then he abandoned the boys not once but twice.  Then she got with a guy who seemed to be pretty good at first but turned out to be just another jerk who abandoned her with another child when he was 7 months old.  She has been through a lot all because I didnt know how to be a real mom.

How do I just throw them out now when all the problems they have now were created by me not being the mother they needed.  I was their friend, not their mother.  How do I just kick them to the curb and say grow up when I didnt provide the skills needed to be on their own.  I am not saying they have always been here because they both did move out but couldnt make it. The youngest one was abandoned with a child on my doorstep by her no good husband. And then she was diagnosed with all her medical problems.  The other one got with an abusive man and they couldnt make it.  What am I supposed to do now.  They wouldnt be so screwed up if it wasnt for me.  While I loved them with every part of my being I didnt teach them a thing other than how to be doormats.

Can someone tell me how you just throw out your kids knowing they have medical and emotional problems and it is all their mothers fault. (well most of it, their dad is to blame for a lot of it too).  Their dad didnt help them any either.  He hardly ever acknowledged the younger one.  The older one was his pet.  He bought her several cars and did a lot for her but didnt do anything for the younger one.  He too had a lot of emotional problems and had no idea how to raise kids.  He was abandoned by his mother which was one reason I could never understand (until now)  why he would want her anywhere near him especially since she treated him like dirt.

Anyway that is enough rambling  I guess. I just wish I had some answers.

 

i'm so tryer of taking care of him yes i can throw him out but what happens then at least here i know he's ok he does have some problems with learning  bisabilies and has had jobs that didn't last that long i have told him to get a job and he has been trying thats the only reason he's shill here he has sold things that belong to him to do things with his girlfried so he's not asking for money to do thing he whats and he does help around the house when ask 5 times to do this everyone tells me to throw him out but if i did that i'm no better then his father we divorce 15 yrs ago and he he has turn his back on these kids off and on all there lives but after they turn 18 he been trying to help them  he knows i would go and get my son when he just drop him off in a bad place and i believe thats why he did it sure my son is far from a perfect son i would never tell my kids they can not come back home BUT DAM IT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH i'm realy can't take it anymore my son has had problems with the law and i'm waiting till after his court dates to see what happens but then i'm sending him to job cor If anyone knows of any thing or any place i can send him PLEASE LET ME KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE thank you guys for listern i have email dr phil on other prolbems and never gotten an advice so maybe you guys can help

If Jason was my son, he'd have five choices:

 

1.  He'd have 30 days to get a job & move out, even if he has to work 3 shifts of flipping burgers.

2.3.4.5.   Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines....any one that would take him & it'd be asap!