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Topic : 06/24 For Better or Worse?

Number of Replies: 28
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, January 30, 2009, 02:18:02 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 02/05/09) When a couple gets married, they recite the vows, "To love, honor and cherish for better or worse." But with a 50 percent divorce rate in America, do newlyweds really take these words to heart? Lancine wrote the show because she and her sisters want Dr. Phil to talk some sense into their mother, also named Lancine.  The daughters are concerned because their mother, who is wealthy and owns three homes, left her husband for another man and now lives in a tent! The senior Lancine says she enjoys her life in the portable home more than living in the house and in an unhappy marriage, but her daughters say she's acting out of puppy love and might soon regret her choices. Do the girls have valid concerns, or are they overreacting to their mother's behavior? Then, Matthew had an affair with his employee and lost his job while his wife, Libby, was pregnant. He says he made the biggest mistake of his life, but does he understand the gravity of his behavior? Libby says she was devastated to learn her husband was living a secret life for almost a year. You won't believe what she learned from Matthew’s mistress! Will she forgive her spouse and salvage their relationship? Dr. Phil tells her what she must do for herself and her children. Join the discussion.

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February 5, 2009, 4:47 pm CST

Libby Seeking help or codependant?

   Libby is not obliged to stay married to Matthew and she does not have to be emotion free to divorce him. The statement that was made by Libby about being on the show to maybe hear that she ought to divorce Matthew hints at her being possibly codependant, thus lacking confidence in her ability to divorce a man who has cheated on her. In other words being afraid to divorce Matthew for wrong reasons.  Matthew won't be lonely. He has the other woman! As for the kids, they are much more resilient than Dr Phil gives them credit for. I was in a very unhealthy home environment  and I came out of it.  

  So let Libby make her own decision which may send a message to her children that women are not to be cheated on, irregardless as to how "pissed" she might be when she makes the decision to go through with the divorce, if indeed she does go through with it.  Nice for Dr Phil to talk about knowing when the time for divorce will be right. But was he ever cheated on by Robin? And the kids just might grow up, marry and divorce anyway. Libby has to think about her own happiness now and to take care of her children's Mom!  

 
February 5, 2009, 5:23 pm CST

Trying to stay, but it is hard....

My D-Day was Oct. 30, 2008. My husband was driving down the road back to his home town of Nashville, when I got a call that literally changed my life that minute...He told me he had been having an affair and he had wanted out of the affair for a long time, but he knew that when I found out our marriage would be over. (he figured that out without giving me a voice). I asked the usual questions, how long? (awhile), did you love her? (never told her I loved her. because I didn't), and why? (he said because of his stupidity).

I could tell he was having a hard time with coming clean and that he felt terrible.

I had never suspected a thing. The affair came out of nowhere because never in a million years did I ever think my husband would cheat on me. But this was reality. I told him over the phone that I wasn't going to divorce him and that we needed to talk about this instead of him running away. This was the first hope he had that I wouldn't end the relationship, so he went another 90 miles down the road and then turned around and came back.

We have been working on us every since. He immediately stopped seeing the other person and has had no contact with her since. The affair had lasted for three years, which was a hard thing to accept. He said the last two years he was just trying to keep me from finding out. (she sent a letter to his boss,(she was a customer) so he knew she was serious about telling me). He lost his job because of the affair. (he was making good money for not having a college degree but now can only find something paying $10 an hour.

I am a very successful business woman with a master's degree who continues to climb the ladder. I was a good wife, never rubbed my career or goals in his face, was always supportive in everything he did.

She was almost 60 years old, homely and someone he was ashamed to be seen with, so the affair happened totally at her house. He admitted he was embarrassed that he was with her. He was never gone at night, but his affair happened in the morning before work, so I never expected it, (he went to work later than I did).

So, here we are trying to pick up the pieces. He has been extremely attentive. I talked him into going to college (we are both in our 50s) so his self-esteem would get better. He wants to put all of this behind him. I however have good days and bad days. I want to know the why and he doesn't know why. He says it is all his fault and he would never do it again. I analyze everything so the fact that someone can't tell me why something happened does not make sense to me.

I want to get over this. I don't like the emotional roller coaster. I believe we can have an awesome strong marriage (we have never really fought), but I am afraid I am going to ruin what he is trying to do by "digging" and reacting with suspicion and no trust. (I am not a jealous person and therefore made it easy for him to hide an affair).

Will the pain really go away or should I just give it up? I think I would be giving up something that has a lot of potential but is the pain worth it?

 
February 5, 2009, 6:52 pm CST

GO FOR IT...FOLLOW YOUR HEART..BE CAREFUL TOO

First of all, tell your family to butt out of your business.  Then quit, allowing Dr. Phil to call where you are living "a tent."  This is RV living and it's wonderful.  I believe you were married long enough to be bored as hell and had needs that your husband couldn't provide.  We have a permanent home, but we also spend several weeks of the summer in a 5th wheel...traveling; it's fun and relaxing...and gives us a chance to enjoy retirement.

 

Life should not be all about your grown children's feelings (when are we entitled to have our own)...  grown-ups trying to find happiness into their 50's, 60's or whatever.  My children have come first so many times it has interferred with our marriage (to their father).  While I do believe you need to be careful about outside relationships, know whom you are with - by checking their background, if you have access to a computer....I don't believe anyone in a totally unhappy marriage should stay in it for the kids, grandkids, the public (if you are a public figure) or any reason if there seems no reasonable doubt they can or cannot bring their lives together again.  Life is just too short to spend it so unhappily. Signed Juju

 
February 5, 2009, 8:39 pm CST

woman on Dr Phil 2/5/09

I would like you to be very very carefull.   I was in the same situation - Love -  HA ! Ha!   I found out just in time that the person I was so envolved with, had not a $ to his name.  That part was OK for me, but then  I found out he took out  "LIFE INSURANCE" on me and did not tell me.   My family got me out just in time.   Our entire family went thru hell to get him out of our lives.    When someone, who really Loves You - like Family - Just keep your eyes and ears open to everyoe.  Don't let your guard down.   You really do not know what is up with anyone these days.  My  " like mother - best friend"  just about ran off with a gay guy.  She was 82 and he was 32.    She just died.   What do you think he wanted. -  - -  She said she was just so in love with him and liked to hang out  with him.  He also did not have a home.  She said he didn't want anything from her.   He got  over $300,000.00 out of her!!!!!!!    Beware!!!!!!!  We only found out after she died and we could not do a thing about it.  We are told she had a right to give her money to anyone she wanted.  She was a very smart  83 year old  woman.   That is what we all thought -  So Beware 
 
February 6, 2009, 2:03 pm CST

to matthew & libby

I know well how you feel as I, too, faced infidelity.  The pain of learning that my husband of 28 years could go outside of our marriage was more than I ever imagined him capable of.  Libby, I strongly suggest that you find a therapist that you trust and respect and work with him/her for as long as you need.  I do recommend a woman as there is so much that men do not understand about women, especially young women who have just had a child, and women betrayed by their husbands. 

I was surprised when Dr. Phil said to wait 6 weeks for your anger to subside in order to make an informed decision...at 6 weeks, I still couldn't breathe.  It has be 11 months and I am just beginning to believe  that  I may be able to work this thing out.  So be patient.

 
February 7, 2009, 11:17 am CST

better or worse

 I have emphathy for the "lady in the tent".  I have had a very unhappy marriage for over 30 years.
He is a good person, but our kids are raised and we have very little in common.  We do not
have any fun together.  I have to seek out other friends to do that.  We get on each other's
nerves and end up fighting.  (With no fun of making up).Life is too short to be unhappy.
I left him and lived in a 5th wheel camper (two steps up from her "tent camper".  I actually
lived in it all year round (rather cold at times).  I was willing to give up the nice things of
the house and some creature comforts.  I was happier that way. But I got sick with cancer
and had to stay since he had the insurance, etc.  He took good care of me. 
So I feel guilty about not loving him like a husband, but now I'm trapped and now way out
I go to counseling (several years now)  He won't go.  I just make the best of it. 
But I do envy her to be with someone she can love and is loved by.


 
February 7, 2009, 12:43 pm CST

Answers for Libby

 

 

I was able to "Get Over it" after all my questions were answered.  The mistress is the one who you need to sit down in a public place and talk too.  Matt has lied to you in the past, so what is stopping him now.  They always tell you what you want to hear but never what you should know.  All your answers are in your heart and in the other womans head.  This is a clasic case of once a cheat always cheat.  Do you really want your children to grow up like their father?  We are suppose to teach our children right from wrong.  Remember, there are consequences for ones actions.

 
June 19, 2009, 11:28 am CDT

Doctor Phil Show.

Better Doctor For Or Phil Worse. I wonder how long you and Robin have been married? See you on June,-

24th, 2009 Wednesday. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.--------------------------------------------------------------

 
June 24, 2009, 9:09 am CDT

nessessary

I just watched the show.  Some people live in tents and/or small campers because they have no other choice.   I know because I was one of those people.  I fit at the beginning of this so called economic down turn.  A relationship of 17 years went belly up along with my bank accounts.  I lost my home, car and income.  I went from tent to a very small camper after the tent was destoried in a freak storm. ( I thought it was a step up) Living like that isn't easy or fun as your guest seemed to acknowledge.  You live from pay to pay.  In my case after almost 3 years, I was forced to become a full blown burden on my youngest daughter.  My thoughts of starting over and making it on my own failed. I was injured on the job at one of the few minimum wage jobs I could get.  No Comp., no insurance, no income and no other help available. I know there are more people out there of my generation that have lost everything for one reason or another and living anywhere they can and some not wishing to live at all.  So what do you do?
 
June 24, 2009, 3:00 pm CDT

I'm in Libbys shoes

Ok, so I feel like I'm in Libby's shoe

 

Almost two months ago, I walked in on my husband "chatting" with another woman. His internet log showed numerous other women that he had comunicated with. I am totally devestated. I consider this cheeting. He does not. He apologizes for hurting me but, he had never apologized for cheating. When I bring that up, he says that it was not cheating.

 

We have two small children and ten years invested in each other. I have had to emotionally shut down because if I don't, its too hard. I try to make myself not feel anything because all I feel is gut wrenching pain. Because of this, he told me that he doesn't think that I love him anymore.

 

This in itself creates more problems because he has made it clear that if hes not getting it from me, then he'll get it some where else.  Any time I get upset or we start to talk about it, the first thing he says is 'do you want me to leave?' That just crushes me all over again because all I can think is 'why is he so quick to leave? Is that what he wants? Who is he going to?'

 

I am on a waiting list to get into a counsler. I pray everyday that this will help me find a way to get over this and save our marriage. I just feel like I am going to explode. I am working so hard to keep the 'happy lil couple' picture for my husband, our kids, and everyone so no one will ask me about it. I just know if they do that I will fall apart.

 

I pray for you Libby and any other woman going threw this. I would not wish this pain and anguish on ANY one. Not my worst enemy or even my husband, the one who caused me this pain and who still refuses to acknoledge it.

 
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