These "blended" families have caused the death of many a potentially happy marriage. When I met my estranged wife, she came into my life with a nine year old son. With her permission, I raised him like my own. I coached his little league baseball and basketball teams; I was active in his studies; we did many things as a family; and I did many things with him as his male role model. But I also insisted he learn about responsibility. He was expected to make his bed every morning; put forth his best effort in his studies; dress appropriately for the occasion; and be polite and mannered. Wearing his cap inside the house, especially at the dinner table, was a no-no. The boy was a polite kid and an honor student in school. He was an exceptional athlete. His mother thought my "rules" were too tough. She ended up moving her son away from me when he was 16. Within two years, the boy went off the honor roll; he was charged as a juvenile with possession of marijuana; he was arrested twice for DWI; and he impregnated his teen girlfriend not once, but twice. She aborted the first pregnancy. It was more important for Mom to be a friend then it was to be her child's parent. Once she moved away, she, for all intent and purposes, told her son he never had to listen to me ever again.
When the boy was 21 and independent, I thought the coast was clear to seriously resume my relationship with his mother. We got married. I married her on the beach standing in the Caribbean in the Virgin Islands. In the end, the son turned out to become a responsible person, being an exceptional father to his son; building a successful career in real estate; and actually marrying an attorney. Naturally, I like to think many of the life lessons I tried to instill in him when he was growing up stuck, and that I had something to do with how he turned out. Unfortunately, the mother allowed the son to remain somewhat of a divisive influence in our marriage. My wife, in my opinion, treated me as a means to an end. She could never find a balance between being a mother and being a wife. It felt like she had only one tank of love to give. He got the good stuff, I got the vapors. I always felt like I was way down on her food chain. For our fifth anniversary in 2007, I took her to Hawaii for two weeks.
After the trip, I started suspecting she was up to no good with her former husband, the father of her four children. The hadn't been married for over 20 years. Since he lived 2,500 miles away, their relationship was an emotional one. I initiated counseling for the two of us. She attended three sessions before telling me she didn't want to try any more. As the movers were moving her items from the house, she told me that she knew I loved her and she loved me, but that we were "toxic" together. She also held her index finger and her thumb about an inch apart and told me that she was that close to changing her mind and staying. I think more than anything, that was the most painful and confusing thing she could have done. She moved out and moved directly into his house. He has now become the means to her end.
I guess I wrote all that to make my point that step-children can, if one party allows it, adversely impact a relationship. And this influence can continue even after the "kids" are no longer children. I loved my wife dearly then, and after almost 17 months, I love and miss her dearly now. I guess sometimes love just isn't enough. In this case it obviously wasn't enough for my wife. I think she's made a terrible mistake, but only time will tell.
I wish this couple the best, and the fact they're both agreeable to counseling they just may have a fighting chance. But they have many obstacles in front of them. Three teen-aged boys, two doing drugs daily, is going to be quite a tough nut to crack. Tough decisions will need to be made, and both these parents have to learn to stand tall and firm, and, at all cost, have each others back. Like I told my estranged wife, kids are like water, they will find and will travel down the path of least resistance. It won't take them long to figure out which parent offers the easy path. If one parent bends, the entire effort will break. The strong parent will begin - and I'm certain it has already begun in this family - to lose respect for the weaker. Once respect starts to leave a relationship, everything else starts to fall quickly.
During tough financial times, families face some of the biggest pressures. When parents are on edge and fighting with each other, children are often a casualty of their hostility. Dr. Phil's guests Melissa and Robert say their four-year marriage and blended family is on the rocks because they argue all the time about how to parent and discipline their three teenage sons. Melissa says the greatest cause for concern is that a big marijuana problem has cropped up in their house. The couple says their 14-year-old, Ben, is spiraling out of control, and they're fighting a losing battle to help him; their 15-year-old son, Jacob, has stopped smoking pot but is in a relationship with a 13-year-old that Melissa thinks is wholly inappropriate; and 20-year-old Brandon gets high at home and frequently clashes with his stepfather. Are these troubled parents headed for divorce? Find out if this family under pressure has one last fight in them, and whether they will stand united, or be a family divided. Talk about the show here.
