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Topic : 08/10 Teen Love Trauma

Number of Replies: 51
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Created on : Thursday, February 19, 2009, 03:58:07 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date 02/23/09) What happens when a volatile teen relationship threatens to tear a daughter away from her parents? Giesel and Steve say their 18-year-old daughter, Devynn, has an unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend, and the tumultuous union has caused a rift in their family. They say Devynn’s beau calls her names, makes her disobey them and is destroying their daughter’s once promising future. The teen admits that she and her boyfriend argue a lot, but she recently revealed that she is pregnant and plans to have the baby. Find out the devastating news that Devynn learned just days before appearing on the show. What does the future hold for this teen if she follows through with her desire to marry the man of her dreams against her folks' wishes? Can Giesel and Steve broker a peace with their child, or will this family drama continue to spiral out of control? Join the discussion.

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February 23, 2009, 3:34 pm CST

02/23 Teen Love Trauma

i complete understand that families dealing. for i have and been there with my own child.she also has a father who feels like her dad does. but it has been 7 years and she has moved on but not with out that baby that did come in the picutre as well. in turn she don't even get much child support for or does he hold jobs to take of his child. but they were in love and wanted to do all the right things as well.

 

get married ect. look where he is now. we couldn't even stand being in the same room with him for years. and then there was the years she did nothing but lie to us about him not being the picture and i knew fools well that he was for the kid is there.

 we got so many lies and now we cann't trust her or care to be apart of her life. and yes she did move on and got a new man . but he isn't even man enough to be around us and its been over year and we are yet to really know him as well.

yes me and her father are very hurt by of her choices. and we did feel like that family. the pain is undesible and trust and values and every peice of time and morals we try and they tried to in still with there child is ruin.

maybe thats not the word. but thats how they feel. gone. and at point you just give up and let them grow and you have to pick and choose what you do next for them.

witch no parent should have to choose. not for there child any way it should be always there child. but you cann't if trust and all the stuff with who they were are got in blink of eye.

 kids now days get in love and vaules and morals out out the door along with the parents and family as well.

we don't understand thats a kids famous words. problem i got with that is we do. some things never change, things only get worse in life.

some are better at it than others. thats all.and kids know it all over wisdom and family....i guess if they have to learn let them ,

but then you got to pick and choose your battles as parent.

its sad for both sides. no one wins. its going to be roller coasters of many feels as well. but i have got to the point of choosen my battles for i have to be happy too.

and fighting with my kid was not one of them. so i have moved on ,i care not to talk her nor do i deal with for along time now .

my grand daughter as much starting this year.

i'm not only a holiday grandparent ...this is only time in witch she is in our lifes...i'm a grandparent. in time that grandchild will see whats the truth.

and no will have to tell her...i'm not going to pull and tug on my granddaughter's heart strings. for my daughter uses her as a pawn with us..and i will have no more of that.

so ones again i had to chooses my battles. and she was one as well. as far as my daughter she is almost 28 yrs. old

 and if she not grown enough to talk to her parents and stop her lieing and using. then her life is with out parents.oh yes as her parent i'm not right and wroung. all i know she more words of hate have come out of my mouth than good.

 but she on the other hand has been distasteful as well in many fleids as well. but most of all wroug for pushing her parents out instead in.

cause look what it has gotten her no family. and if she does want us back. she will find it hard to get us back to the way it used to be.

 

for so many lies and trust issues have been damaged here.no one don't say that we don't still love ....

butas parent its gets old. you got to pick and choose and move on.

lifes to short for all us to go down fighting to our graves. i want happy some what for my life. for i'm not getting younger.not that happy is the right word.

 but peace in some what  in my life.... so i've moved on with my life instead of trying to fix our life to together.

sad i know but you can only dwell so long and my dwelling has come to end.thanks. i hope you understand. and it would be called for love of all us if one of us moves on...

one has to know when to put the foot down , and i have.

i've moved on with my life.

gods only knows what she is doing in her life.

 

GOD BLESS THE FAMILY YOUR NOT ONLY FAMILY WHO WANTED KIDS BACK AT THE BENNGINING AND WANTED THEM TILL END OF YOUR DIEING DAYS IN YOUR LIFE.

BUT I GUESS WE DON'T GET TO GO BY OUR PLANS  WE HAD IN LIFE ANY MORE

.

WE HAVE LET OURS KIDS RUN OUR LIFE NOW DAYS. THAN FOR NOT REMEMBEING OUR OWN MORAL AND VALUES. WE NOW FINDUS PUSHED TO LIVE IN WORLD OF THERE MORALS AND VALUES.

 WHAT EVER HAPPEN TO GOOD OLD DAYS. OF OUR FAMILY MORALS AND VALUES.............

 
February 23, 2009, 3:58 pm CST

Two sided coin

My personal feelingis that in situation with teens #1 i would never try to power play with them try coming down to their level for 1 .#2 try to learn to be a friend as well as a parent because if that dad was able to be her best friend she would probably confide in him instead of the boyfriend

 
February 23, 2009, 4:10 pm CST

support rather than disown

It is not always bad to get married at 18. I did 35 years ago. Chances are your kids have graduated high school by the time you turn 40 and your house is close to paid for. I didn't go to college, I didn't want to, nor did my husband. We both worked hard, me as a chef and he in construction, working his way up the ladder. No one could tell me not to do marry. My father thought i was nuts but that's all he said. My mother supported us. She knew we were level headed and needed to make our own choices.

One thing i am sure of is that if the parent is going to disown the child for following what is in their heart (or what they think is there) they are just going to create hardship on themselves and their child. It's a pretty common reaction, the more you say no, the more they rebel. By going along with their wishes in a way that teaches them, and brings up the positive and the negatives in a supporting role, with any luck they are listening because they feel supported and loved, opposed to rejected, lonely, alone, and frustrated.
Sometimes it just amazes me how parents can so easily forget what it was like for them when they were 16-19 years old. Must be they all wore halo's. I know I didn't and didn't expect my son to be an angel either.  I didn't mention, I was not pregnant and didn't have a child until 4 years later, but if I had been, it's all part of life and you deal with it the best way you can or think you know how.

There is no perfect equation for romance. Some of the best laid out plans, long time relationships fall flat on their face. Hindsight is always better but we're not all privy to that and hopefully we learn from our mistakes. Not all mistakes are bad.
 
February 23, 2009, 4:14 pm CST

02/23 Teen Love Trauma

Quote From: marcy213

You know what I wanted to see?I wanted Geisel to put her arms around her little girl and say " I am  so sorry that you lost your baby!" The circumstances of her pergancy do not negate the pain of her lose!

We all know that the very short period between 18 and 21 is a time of great change and growth. I am sad for that little girl that instead of encouraging her growth her parents are dwelling on the mistakes that she has made.

Anger will only cause more distance.Help her grieve her loss  so that she knows she can recover from sadness when this relationship ends. With your support instead of your disdain it may end even sooner!  

You have made the most sense of all. You said it all. Good job.
 
February 23, 2009, 4:35 pm CST

Imdbestmom

At 15, my daughter informed me she was pregnant. It broke my heart. Her boyfriend was 17. I didn't drive him away and allowed them to deal with this with my help. At first, I said some terrible things because she had so many options for her future. I regret what I said to this day. Well, they stood up and did what they could. He helped her pay for the delivery and got insurance where he worked so that when the baby was born, he would be covered. His mother tried to get her to abort but she said no. I was raped by a friend while I was engaged to be married. I had an abortion. I wouldn't recommend that to ANYONE. Every Sept.18th, I remember.  I'm 61 and my youngest is 19. My oldest is 38. My middle son made up my computer name above when he was 16. I was never my kids' friend but I always loved them. (I have five of them.)

 

Anyway, my daughter swore to me that she would not become a statistic. She went back to high school  after her son was born and did three years in one year...graduating at the top of the class. She took her baby to school  with her because he was nursing.  She and her boyfriend dated for three more years and grew apart. They are both now married to other people and quite happy. He has never missed paying child support even though they never went to court over anything. She counciled other young moms and pregnant girls. She even lectured at middle and high schools. She will soon get her bachelor's degree in biology. She carries a 4.0. She wants to be an OB/GYN.

 

Devynn seems pretty mature and has learned a very hard lesson. She is devastated by the loss of her baby. Her mother and father ought to be ashamed. They were not there for her. They are only worrying about their feelings. Mom keeps complaining about how she feels...maybe mom needs to grow up. She's a selfish b****. Give the daughter some credit and love. It's easy to see why she went looking for someone to care about her. She didn't make a decision between her parents and that boy. Her mother made her pick him. She thinks he understands her and her parents don't.

 

You two better step up and love your daughter. She has lost all trust and faith in both of you. The next choice of boyfriends could be much worse. My ex was a very poor father and husband. My daughter found the comfort she needed from a man in her boyfriend's bed. Is that Devynn's need, too?  The fact that she didn't have an abortion tells me she is mature and more moral than her mother. How can you part with your own grandchild? My daughter got through everything with positive results because she had a mother and a sister who supported her and loved her no matter what. She was a good girl who made a youthful mistake. She knew girls whose parents threw them out like trash. I loved my daughter and now benefit from an amazing little boy who lived in my house with his mom until she met her present husband. I'm so glad I looked past my own feelings. That little man will be eight next month and is such a blessing. I think the girls who make it through this ordeal are the ones who have help from a loving family. Giesel - try it - it feels really good to think about someone else besides yourself. You have to win your daughter back, not the other way around. BTW, were you and your husband perfect while you were dating? hmmm

 
February 23, 2009, 4:55 pm CST

Change

  Sadly enough, this situation is not uncommon to people because the continued growth of generations that are confused and frustrated because demands of responsibility are being YELLED, manipulated, guilted, and other (parent) ways to force a square into a circle. Our teens/young adults (depending on the situation as well as the individual) NEED to be GIVEN the CHANCE to show they have LEARNED and they NEED to be ALLOWED to show their PROGRESS as well as their MISTAKES!!!!!!!!!! How do you expect them to learn to manage their relationships then by the model of home or the "ADULT" figure in their lives! That does not mean the parents feelings are not relevent, just not #1 this time around. EVERY SITUATION is and OPPORTUNITY to FIND OUT MORE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE TRYING TO BE and an open door if you can keep your mouth shut and stop taking everything so personal, let them give you their low down and then anayls what they are dealing with, what you thought you knew about them, and the changes you have noticed, and ASK if you don't know (if they feel comfortable they open up more often because they feel safe), then add in your consistant moral standing convictions (the stability they know you best for) and remind them in a loving manner how you as a parent are put into a hard position and tell them how but don't use addatives in your vocab choice, use words they can see through their NOW situation and grasp onto the safety line (again every situation varies along with individuals because they are changing and growing).

 

Sorry for the length but I needed to get that off my chest before I could address the issue that hit me the most

 

I was very disappointed with the choice not to address Devynn's loss but only once (Honey, I'm heartbroken at your loss and wish you some blessed peace for your heart, you are a very strong young woman to have gone through this loss, because not only did you experience the loss of your child, the loss of your mother - feelings as though she left you into thoughts that the stress between the two of you is what caused your loss, so a loss of feelings that only you know towards your mother....I pray for your soul, heart, spirit and you will make it, you are making it, if you can find it in you forgiveness for it does a soul, heart and spirit well) why on GOD'S green earth was not the more presedent situation addressed when she so clearly needed to talk about her own hurt feelings

 

I'm angry that the mother was more about what she wanted for her daughter then what her daughter was dealing with in reality!!!!!!

All I have to say to the mother is that we reap what we soe, if you treat her as such then she comes to expect that in the big world, so teach them the reality of life and the hardships people endure, does not mean you can not want good things for your children, it just allows them the perspective of humbleness for what they already have and put into focus what they want with hard work, dedication, committment, loyalty, and come to expect that from their choice mate!!!!

 

God love us, God bless us, what an eye opener and I really wish Dr. Phil would have taken an interest into that with Devynn instead of what seemed to me a brush off..

 

Blessed Be

 
February 23, 2009, 6:20 pm CST

02/23 Teen Love Trauma

The day i found out i was pregnant at 19 i was terrified! I went straight home and told my mother, She hugged me and told me everything would be ok, She was there for me good or bad and i think it is very sad that some parents would turn their back on kids when they get in trouble. I have two wonderful little girls and i cant think of anything in this world they could do to make me turn on them. My situation turned out great i have been happily married for 9 years to my best friend in the whole world. It does not always turn out bad.

 
February 23, 2009, 6:22 pm CST

02/23 Teen Love Trauma

Quote From: mollyco

You have made the most sense of all. You said it all. Good job.
I agree with you one thousand percent as a mother i can not understand her actions towards her daughter!
 
February 23, 2009, 6:25 pm CST

02/23 Teen Love Trauma

I hope the mother will watch the show and see how wrong she is doing her daughter before its too late!
 
February 23, 2009, 6:30 pm CST

A young girl in love with an abuser?

Quote From: crystalhope

  Sadly enough, this situation is not uncommon to people because the continued growth of generations that are confused and frustrated because demands of responsibility are being YELLED, manipulated, guilted, and other (parent) ways to force a square into a circle. Our teens/young adults (depending on the situation as well as the individual) NEED to be GIVEN the CHANCE to show they have LEARNED and they NEED to be ALLOWED to show their PROGRESS as well as their MISTAKES!!!!!!!!!! How do you expect them to learn to manage their relationships then by the model of home or the "ADULT" figure in their lives! That does not mean the parents feelings are not relevent, just not #1 this time around. EVERY SITUATION is and OPPORTUNITY to FIND OUT MORE ABOUT WHO THEY ARE TRYING TO BE and an open door if you can keep your mouth shut and stop taking everything so personal, let them give you their low down and then anayls what they are dealing with, what you thought you knew about them, and the changes you have noticed, and ASK if you don't know (if they feel comfortable they open up more often because they feel safe), then add in your consistant moral standing convictions (the stability they know you best for) and remind them in a loving manner how you as a parent are put into a hard position and tell them how but don't use addatives in your vocab choice, use words they can see through their NOW situation and grasp onto the safety line (again every situation varies along with individuals because they are changing and growing).

 

Sorry for the length but I needed to get that off my chest before I could address the issue that hit me the most

 

I was very disappointed with the choice not to address Devynn's loss but only once (Honey, I'm heartbroken at your loss and wish you some blessed peace for your heart, you are a very strong young woman to have gone through this loss, because not only did you experience the loss of your child, the loss of your mother - feelings as though she left you into thoughts that the stress between the two of you is what caused your loss, so a loss of feelings that only you know towards your mother....I pray for your soul, heart, spirit and you will make it, you are making it, if you can find it in you forgiveness for it does a soul, heart and spirit well) why on GOD'S green earth was not the more presedent situation addressed when she so clearly needed to talk about her own hurt feelings

 

I'm angry that the mother was more about what she wanted for her daughter then what her daughter was dealing with in reality!!!!!!

All I have to say to the mother is that we reap what we soe, if you treat her as such then she comes to expect that in the big world, so teach them the reality of life and the hardships people endure, does not mean you can not want good things for your children, it just allows them the perspective of humbleness for what they already have and put into focus what they want with hard work, dedication, committment, loyalty, and come to expect that from their choice mate!!!!

 

God love us, God bless us, what an eye opener and I really wish Dr. Phil would have taken an interest into that with Devynn instead of what seemed to me a brush off..

 

Blessed Be

Well, I have raised two children myself and they are ages 22 and 26 one boy and one girl. First off, if I had a son that treated a young lady like this man is, I would know for sure he is wrong for her. I am trying to figure out why these young ladies want to have a child so young and secondly why would she think he loves her when he shows all the signs of not loving her just by his actions?? If he truly loved her, he would be about family, he would want to make sure that family is first and foremost important in her life. Any man that would want to attempt to pull this young girl away from her family is not acting in love. I wish these young girls would understand, its better to have no man in their life than a man that is about drama, about taking her away from her family and God only knows what else! I think in time she will see he is not in love with her, he is "in control" with her, any guy who does this is insecure about himself. I wish this family and young girl the best and commend her for wanting to keep her baby. She is going to need her family and their support they can give to her. On the other hand if she doesnt want that, all the talk in the world will not make her change. The only thing the parents can pray for is that her eyes be open before she is hurt or the baby is hurt by this guy. He sounds controlling, manipulative and many other things. In short, prayers and unconditional love from the family is the best that they can do and keep the door always open so she knows if she needs them, they will be there as fast as she can call them.... wow, glad I never had to go through this one....
 
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