Message Boards

Topic : 02/27 Forced to be a Deadbeat Dad?

Number of Replies: 878
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Monday, February 23, 2009, 04:56:25 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are deadbeat dads actually dead broke dads? As the American economystruggles, men comprise 82 percent of the recent layoffs. In childsupport cases, are men and women treated equally in the courts or arethese laws out of touch with today's economy? Bill says he could beforced to be a deadbeat dad. He wants to leave his current high-payingjob to become a teacher and spend more time with his children, butworries he won't be able to pay his current child support payments.Would it be fair to consider sending him to jail for trying to be abetter father? Next, former NBA star Jason Caffey used to make $5million a year but says he now has trouble paying the amount of childsupport he owes for his 10 children. He allegedly owes hundreds ofthousands of dollars, and there's an order out for his arrest. Why doesJason say he has been treated unfairly? An attorney for one of thewomen makes Jason an offer. Will he accept the deal? Then, Bret andJennifer say they struggle to keep up with the child support paymentsowed to his ex-wife. Jennifer says her family is suffering. Mel Feit,director of the National Center for Men and Lis Wiehl, legal analystand author, weigh in on these stories and engage in a heated debate.Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

February 27, 2009, 7:27 am CST

Dead Beat Dads Wake Up

I am a single mother of a 9 year old and wonder if it is all worth the headache.  I struggle to get child support from my son's father and it is little or none.  I thank God for allowing me to work and having a wonderful family.  Now, it is not about me using the money.  My son has asthma and allergies and for those of you that know, the medicine costs.  My son's father is ordered to pay child support and insurance  but that is not an option.  I pay for everything so the issue is not the money.  The last time my son saw his father, it was 3 years ago when his dad wanted to show him his new sister. Now, understand, my son has only seen his dad maybe 5 or 6 times in 6 years.  He felt sad and disappointed because his dad was not trying to spend that time with him.  He does not want to pay child support for his son but can pay court costs and lawyers to make excuses on why he can't.  Now, it is an ego thing with him and I am so sick of men thinking they are supporting the women too.  I work hard and I am there when my son is healthy, sick, excited about his sporting events, reports, the whole nine yards.  I am MOM and will sacrifice for my child.  The dad's need to understand it is not about them or me, but the child.  I am not trying to fatten my wallet, I just think that the father has just as much responsibility as I do but chooses to side step it because it is not what he wants.  Not all fathers are like that, I am blessed to come from a two parent home so at least my son has a wonderful role model.  My son used to ask, when is my dad going to come see me.  Unfortunately, when we used to call his dad, he would change his number.  Now, my son does not want to call.  All he wanted was for his dad to spend time with him. 
 
February 27, 2009, 7:28 am CST

02/27 Fathers and Finance

I am a divorced mother of two.  I do not understand why women assume that their ex- husband is responsible for their upkeep.  Child support is there to provide for the children.  It is not intended to keep a women in a fancy home, new car, nice clothes and great vacations.  I have been divorced for 3 years, I never asked for alimony and receive a minimal amount of child support.  I got a second job in order to keep the house that I requested in the divorce.  I do not have a high paying job and have no money left in my savings.  I chose to have children and it is my responsibility as a mother to provide for my kids.  I think a woman is responsible for 50 percent of the cost no matter what it is! I have been dating a man for three years, who is a divorced father.  His ex wife got a very large cash settlement at the time of divorce, a very large amount of child support , 90 percent of unpaid medical bills paid, health insurance paid,  and she works part time.  The house she purchased was paid for with the cash settlement, she drives a new car that was paid for with the same cash, and she even bought a Harley Davidson motorcycle.  She no longer lives in the house she bought, it sits empty while she has moved in with her boyfriend.  Where is the fairness and responsibility in that?  My boyfriend struggles to keep up with the child support and unpaid medical bills, while the ex never wants for anything.  The child is dressed in yard sale clothes, and she is dressed to the nine.  She also has another child from a previous relationship that receives nothing.  A mother needs to step up and be held just as responsible as the father of the children.  It is unfair to hold a father at a higher level of responsibility.  I believe that the mother should have to show what the money is being used for and must provide for the child only with the money.  There should be a better way to monitor the spending of child support.  An ex husband should not have to pay the living expenses of an entire family.  The woman should be on her own.  Step up and do your job!  I did!!
 
February 27, 2009, 7:31 am CST

Don't agree completely

I am very lucky that I don't have to deal with this. But I am confused about this subjects. I know someone that pays his child support regularly. But he has joint custody of his children. He has to drive to meet her half way, and then she turns around and follows him back the way he came, to go to a relatives house. After his child support comes out of his check he doesn't even have $200.00 to feed, cloth, and feed his children when they are with him. And his new family. Keep in mind this is the amount he gets every other week. So that isn't even $400.00 a month. Why should he even pay child support when they have shared custody. And how is it even fair that he has nothing left and she has it all. Now I also know the other side of the coin. because I have a close friend that hardly ever gets any support for her child. Just wonder if this can be explained and how this is even right for everyone.
 
February 27, 2009, 7:32 am CST

Paying for a mistake for 12 years

My husband made a mistake, which he admits to. When my husband divorced his ex wife after 10 years of horrible emotional abuse from his ex wife and her mother, he just wanted out! He wanted to get away from it all without a lot of confrontation. His ex wife's sister was also her attorney in their divorce. This poor man was battered and abused and just wanted to move on and be able to have a life. This poor man was emotionally unstable after so many years of emotional abuse from his ex and he agreed to an outrages amount of $1,300 a month in child support and alimony, until his two daughters complete four years of college (not until they are 18 years old). He agrees that this was a horrible mistake to just agree to these unreasonable terms. Since the divorce, his ex wife has gotten her masters degree in teaching, and moved up in her field. After speaking to a half dozen attorneys, my husband has been told by every one of them that because he agreed to this amount, he can never change it. Not to mention, after paying so much, we don't have the extra income to hire an attorney to fight it. My husband has not seen his two daughters in over four years because they claim they do not want to see him. One of the daughters hangs up on him every time he calls to speak to them. My husband has done nothing to make his daughters hate him, but they do. I have been laid off from my job, and have actually had two very rough years with employment issues. It is so hard to keep making these payments...is there really nothing that can be done?
 
February 27, 2009, 7:39 am CST

Not all deadbeats.......

I am on both sides of the fence.  I receive support from my ex and my current husband pays support to his ex.  Fathers do not plan to be without their children by putting money aside for child support that they may or may not have to pay.  Alot of folks, like myself, are just getting by and cannot save anything. 

 

My husband's ex wife cheated on him, left with his two children (one of which was 3 weeks old) and moved 2,000 miles away.  She lived on every government assistance she could get, went back to school and received her degree, has re-married and living 100% better than we are.  My husband cannot see his children because we cannot afford to either go get them or pay for a plane ticket.  He has to pay for this if he wants to see them. 

 

My husband was in the military and was honorable discharge because of an injury.  He had to go back to school to get a degree so that he could go into another line of work because he could no longer do manual labor.  During part of that time he could not work because of surgery for this injury.  While he did go to school full-time, he worked every summer and on weekends.  We went to court to change the support order because he was not working and they uped his monthly amount because of his "potential" income!!!  This is way men are terrifed to go to court for a change!   Why is it that the mom can live on government assistance and go back to school all on our dime and if the father tries he is just screwed?!?

 

Court is not fair for the father (remember I also receive support).  My ex lost his house and I had the order changed to help him!  I lost my job almost 2 years ago and recently had the order changed back because he is doing better money wise.  The state that my current husband's ex moved to is not for father's rights whatsoever.  Up until recently the only income figured into the support order was his.  The ex did not have to turn in any documentation and they were asking about my income!!!! I am sorry, they are not my children and my income has nothing to do with it!  While his ex is recieving child support, she has remarried to a man that has no worries regarding money, has a new home, a new car, a college education, we sit here struggling with money and have no contact with the children because her current husband will not allow it.

 

Dr. Phil was speaking with the couple at the end of the show struggling to pay and said something that really got under my skin.  He asked the father why he had more children with his current wife if he could not afford the one he has with his ex wife.  Can you tell me why that man can not move on with his life and have more children with his current wife if he so chooses?  If his ex wife remarries and has more children nothing is said to her!  Oh, I know why, because if she has more children and divorces that man she can screw his with child support as well and not worry about being able to afford them!!!! 

 
February 27, 2009, 7:40 am CST

If a man doesn't want fatherhood "forced" upon him...

Quote From: errodedo

This may be a topic for another show but I have to submit my thoughts.

I am a married mother of two and I have no sympathy for women that chose to have children out of wedlock and force fatherhood on a man.  I am not talking about teenagers.  I am referring to mature, grown professional women.  As women, we have the reponsibility to take care and protect our bodies.  If you were able to get pregnant, it was because you did not protect yourself or ask your partner to protect his self against getting you pregnant . Then in turn, you force the man to be a father to a child that he didn't ask you for in the first place.  Yes,"it takes two to tango" but ultimately it is the woman body that will carry the child.  As a woman, you'll be the one walking around with a big belly, unmarried, having to stop  school or work while you have the baby, etc.  So yes, it is your reponsibility more than his to protect yourslef from becoming pregnant by someone that sometimes iyou barely know.  As far as I am concern, women are as fault as men for bringing these kids into the world. Its easy to blame the man, but what about these women, not teenagers, kwow that if you have sex without any type of contraceptive or protection there is a high possibility that you will get pregnant. They still chose to do it, so they should be held also accountable for their act. 

This society needs to stop blaming the man and put some responsibility on the woman, and stop treating them like victims of their own choice.  

Then he should abstain, use a condom, or get a vasectomy.  He was a willing participant in the sex act, so if a child should be born of that act, then he should help support the child HE helped create!
 
February 27, 2009, 7:45 am CST

child support and custody hell

 The family court and child support laws are so out of touch with reality.  The family court system in this country I feel is a joke.  I am a professional female I worked hard raising a family working full time and going to school full time so that my kids could have things that I never had.  But since my divorce things have absolutely spiraled out of control.  When we separated and started through the divorce process he did everything he could to poison my kids against me to the point that my oldest son became so unruly and dangerous for me to be alone with him I had no choice but to let him go live with his dad.  Well because I am a responsible adult and have a good steady job I feel that I have been penalized.  He has Custody of our oldest son I have custody of our two younger children.  And I have to pay him child support.  Yes I make more than he does but that doesn't reach that fact that we have three children that I am completely supporting he does not help me with any of the cost of the two youngest children that I have and now he has me back in court he wants custody of our two youngest now he has only worked maybe 3 months out of the last year and as far as I know he is not looking for more steady work.  He is constantly attempting to undermine my relationship with my kids and is at them constantly to chose where they want to live.  So they have said that they hate me and want to live with him.  So now I pay over 300 a month in child support for the oldest have custody of my 2 youngest and now we are back in court.  And my attorney bills are just rediculous.  And my attorney now is telling me that to get this all done and settled and not lose custody of my kids it is going to cost me another 15-20,000 dollars.  Because the court has appointed a lazy gardian at litem for my children and he belives the kids should get what they want not what is best for them.  So I have to hire a forensic psycologist to help with deciding what is in my childrens best interest.  Where does he have to be responsible?  Why does he get to not hellp supprt these kids but yet work actively to ruin my relationship with them?  And why do I have to struggle to make ends meet to pay attorney fees just so that I can continue to have a relationship with my children?  And why is he allowed to be a deadbeat?  THIS IS MY DEFINITION OF A DEADBEAT DAD!!!!!!

 
February 27, 2009, 7:45 am CST

fairness for children :both men and women

This show is disappointing. I want to see a show about fairness for children. It is so cliche for Dr. Phil to have a female lawyer/advocate for women, or a male for men. Why not get a perspective from opposites that have a logical perspective of this matter; and who are educated. This is always about money. When a woman/man sees a child as a means for sustenance, that is when the situation becomes off balance. In order for men/women to pay, either need to allow their ex- access to the children. Even if men/woemn are in a financial crisis, they should not be denied the right to see their children. This is a mistake made on behalf of the children. The children need to maintain balance. The courts can work out the money issues, but the children are not cattle to be sold for auction when the claimant comes up with the money.

It is what is best for the children: constancy, stability, balance, and calm peaceful existence with the two people who created them. It is their right to know both, and NOT be influenced by either of their characters by the other. Or whether money is laid out on the table. KEEP MONEY IN ITS PLACE!!! In the hands of blood sucking lawyers and court system who claim they have a vested interest in the well-being of the children, when in reality, it is in the best interest of your pocketbook. Everyone knows that. The court system is an endless battle of taking sides and treating women as martyrs rather than productive, and contributory citizens. We have worked for the right to have equal rights of men; now we want to give it away when something happens to our marriage? Women need as much time as men to go out into the world and create, build and make a life for ourselves like men. Take advantage of this.

We all know what the problem is a majority of the time: men or women get hurt when the other wants to leave the marriage, and the children become the terms of negotiation and bait. STOP the madness!
 
February 27, 2009, 7:45 am CST

mothers and finance

Dr. Phil there should be a show about mothers who refuse to acknowledge their children instead of blaming just dads.  I have an ex sister in law, who got away with abusing her children, and has done nothing but made their life a living hell and she is still doing it.  She dragged my brother, last fall, to court again, to get out of paying child support for her 18 year old who is mildy retarded, knowing full well that their dad just lost his job after 30 years and their home.  The judge knowing all of this said that this boy was able to take care of himself, the fact that he was still in school, mildy retarded and working a part time job meant nothing.  She was also order by the court to keep medical insurance on them until they turned 24, she cancelled it.  Even when she did have insurance on them, instead of taking the checks she received and paying the doctors bills, she cashed them and used them for herself and got a away with it.

She has never done anything for these two boys, other than abuse them, both are mildy retarded.  I could go on forever as to what she has done to this family.

 
February 27, 2009, 8:00 am CST

deadbeat /or sperm donor

This is a good one. The absent parent in my case is behind $39,000.My two daughters are 23 and 21 now, but he did everything possible to avoid paying for them. He alway worked getting paid under the table so that he could not be tracked. He worked building house and remodeling houses. A very profitbable business that he continued in almost all of their lives. He denied one of my kids and we did a blood test that came back 99.99% positive. (NOT 1000% JUST 100%, I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY GET THAT ONE FROM "I'M 1000% SURE HE IS THE FATHER", THAT'S STUPID)Which there was never a doubt in my mind.The analyst stated that in order for someone else to be the father, I would have had to slept with a very large number of men at the time of conception. After that he still didn't pay. He was more concerned with what I would do with the money. I was never in the system and have always been a hard working lady that took care of my responsibilities, which he failed to do.He didn't feel like I would do right by my girlshe thought I would blow the money. The one thing that I have to agree with the Child Support Agency is they stated that I could spend the money the way that I saw fit, as long as the girls were not neglected and had what they needed.  That's the only help that I have received from them. Absent parent has only spent 2 thiry day periods in jail. His parents would tell the sheriff that he wasn't at their home when he was, they found him hiding under the bed once, just to avoid paying.He has several brothers and they all look exactly alike and they would switch ID's so that he could never be identified. One of his brothers died and he shaved his head bald because he thought I would send them after him. I thought about doing it, but I'm not that cold blooded. All DOGS shall have their day. He has played ever trick in the book just for the sake of not taking care of his kids. But they are grown now and I  will not let up until they have him and the person that he is working for because he knows that he is a wanted man.
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Next | Last