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Topic : 02/27 Forced to be a Deadbeat Dad?

Number of Replies: 878
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Created on : Monday, February 23, 2009, 04:56:25 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Are deadbeat dads actually dead broke dads? As the American economystruggles, men comprise 82 percent of the recent layoffs. In childsupport cases, are men and women treated equally in the courts or arethese laws out of touch with today's economy? Bill says he could beforced to be a deadbeat dad. He wants to leave his current high-payingjob to become a teacher and spend more time with his children, butworries he won't be able to pay his current child support payments.Would it be fair to consider sending him to jail for trying to be abetter father? Next, former NBA star Jason Caffey used to make $5million a year but says he now has trouble paying the amount of childsupport he owes for his 10 children. He allegedly owes hundreds ofthousands of dollars, and there's an order out for his arrest. Why doesJason say he has been treated unfairly? An attorney for one of thewomen makes Jason an offer. Will he accept the deal? Then, Bret andJennifer say they struggle to keep up with the child support paymentsowed to his ex-wife. Jennifer says her family is suffering. Mel Feit,director of the National Center for Men and Lis Wiehl, legal analystand author, weigh in on these stories and engage in a heated debate.Talk about the show here.

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February 27, 2009, 8:01 am CST

don't just blame the fathers

                   Today's show infuriated me. It seemed like to me the fathers were being bashed. Not all fathers are deadbeats. I have a live in boyfriend who is in and out of court with his ex wife. Last summer he lost his job due to the economy and was expected to pay the same amount of child support. He new he could not afford it so he filed a motion of reduction at the courthouse. I try not to get involved in his business with his ex but she is one that wants him to pay her bills. She is currently making more money than he is. To make this two year story into a few sentences, he paid his child suppport on time every month plus the kids health insurance. When the kids were with us on his weekends the were dressed in hand me downs and clothes that are so worn you can't make out the picture and the clothes. My point is, not all these mothers are spending the child support on the children. I understand it's also to help with food and bills but when the kids are not getting things they need, there is a problem. More fathers would be willing to pay if the mothers were spending it on the children and not some extravagant place to live or a vehicle the can't afford without the child support. The children are always the most important factor in these situations.
 
February 27, 2009, 8:04 am CST

Perfect example

Quote From: fiona33

I am a mother of 2 grown girls and for my oldest child I had a court order for child support and everytime his wages was garnished for a mere 35.00 a week, he would quit his job. Now grant you this was in the 80's and that was alot for me. I had to work 2 jobs to support my daughter thus meaning that I had less time to spend with her, it wasn't fair to me or her.

 

Now I am a grandmother of 5 and my youngest daughter is trying to get support for her son. She went to court and got a order and then the Dad moved out of state and she had to start the process over again. Needless to say 2 years later she still isn't getting any support and the Dad doesn't call or see his son which  is his choice, so as not to get arrested in this state for arrears.

 

My solution is to put these Dads or Deadbeat Moms in the Army, Navy or Marines we need the numbers in the military and the kids would get what they need as well.

fabulous idea! just what we need. We need criminals, and deadbeats and low-income in the military. You think it is their job to fight for our freedom? You kiddin me? Everybody turns to military for resurrection of poor character and judgement. A lot of time the military makes these people worse or insane; or at least the fighting does. It only propagates more fighting and more anger. It cheats the kids out of a right to a relationship with the other parent and chance to decide for themselves.

Did each person not decide to lay down and create this child? Why does one get the right to dictate what the other will or can do?

Women need to be more selective with who they procreate with and be responsible for it, since it is our God given burden to bear.

You are right: this is an '80's fight with an 80's solution that did not work; for the kids or for the women!!

The solution did not work for you, and now it is not working for your daughter!

You can continue to guide her in her plight to wrestle money out of him, this means she would have to relinquish some of her control of the children and interrupt their current stability and balance. Or you can encourage her to continue with her life and not to repeat the mistake!
 
February 27, 2009, 8:05 am CST

Excellent! Finally some rationality in the house!

Quote From: pn9684

I completely agree that many women are palying the victim in these situations when they are just as much at fault if not more.  should be in complete control of their bodies and the decisions they make.  Many women have made having children with different men into a job just to collect child support ever week.  My fuature sister-in-law is pregnant with her 6th child and her fifth father.  How else can this be taken or than just another pay check every week to support herself.  And on top of that, how is it even certain that any of this money is ever seen to benefit the child?? I do have to note that a divorce situation changes the playing field on this topic entirely. My finace is divorced with 2 children, ages 12 and 10.  When he was first divoreced he shared custody and payed his ex-wife $160.00 per week.  Through the fault of the state system he ended up over-paying her $1,500.00 out of his military paycheck.  When this was brought to the attention of the state they told him there was nothing they could do since she was alredy given the money.  When he finally got full custody of the children he began to receive $50.00 a week.  Why should a support amount be based on income, are these 2 children less expensive to raise than 2 children coming from parents that make more monney.  The system should have set dollar amounts according the the age of the children.
 
February 27, 2009, 8:08 am CST

Don't FORGET there ARE Deadbeat MOMS TOO!!!!!!

OK, here's the deal. I have been on every side of the child support issue.

 

1st: I was married to a man from 1993 til 2003 that had two children (ages 5 & 7) and he always paid his child support. We always picked them up on time and took them back on time. As well as paid extra for sports, band, clubs, etc.... We also paid half of ALL medical expenses. We were constantly threatened to be taken back to court to pay more; unless of course we agreed with her on everything and never challenged any decision she made.

 

2nd: When he and I were divorced (due to substance abuse issues) he went to jail. We have a daughter that was born in 1994 so at the time of our divorce she was 9 years old. So of course during the time he was in jail the child support was adding up to well over $10,000. In not wanting to completely overwhelm him upon his release I decided that since we had survived without the child support during the time he was in jail; that I would waive the amount and have him just start out fresh. Please also keep in mind that the courts awarded us $650.00 per month in child support, but I agreed to adjust the amount to only $300.00 per month so not to cause him an unjust hardship. He is clean and sober and has been since October of 2007 and has also been paying his child support by income deduction order since then. He also gives our daughter money for extra things and reimburses me for half the medical costs when I request it.

 

I know that $300.00 a month does not sound like a lot, but it is more important to me for our daughter to have a relationship with her father than to see how much money I can get him to pay. I don't bother her with whether or not her father was paying (during the time her was in jail). In fact I don't discuss the child support issue with her at all. It has NOTHING to do with her relationship with her dad and whether or not he see's her or not and never has. 

 

3rd: I then married to a wonderful man in July 2007 that has a 12 year old daughter (my daughter is now 15). At the time we were married his daughter lived with her mother and he only saw her every other weekend. He always paid his child support as well as many extra expenses. In March 2008 his child’s mother left her with us and moved out of state (due to a drug problem). My husband has received zero child support from her and it has been a full year. In August of 2008 the mother moved back locally and wanted their daughter back. My husband took her to court and was granted temporary full custody with her having supervised visitation (no child support was ordered or even talked about during the court hearing) my husband was later advised to contract with the State of Florida Department of Revenue. We have been waiting since August 2008 to have this case in court and finally have a date set for next month (March 2009). It will also settle the custody issue with a permanent order. My husband’s daughter says that her mother is constantly harassing her about the child support issue and tries to encourage the child to want to live with her. My husband is willing to negotiate with her on a reduced amount of child support but she feels that she should not have to pay anything and that it would put her in a financial bind if she had to pay any child support. Her family has also spoken with my husband and encouraged him to waive her of ANY obligation so as not cause her a financial hardship.  

 

 

So, I guess in closing it just boggles my mind why women think that they should not have to be responsible for their children. It's like the men should just be so darned glad they actually have custody of their children how dare they want any kind of financial support from these poor mothers that are trying to make ends meet. (By the way, my husbands ex-wife makes a fairly decent living in the medical field and is fully capable of making support payments)

 

Parents of any sex - MOTHER or FATHERS should stop using their children in these sick games of control and revenge. And quit making child support laws perform like legalized extortion. There should be NO blanket way of obtaining an amount for child support. I think the government should give a tax credit to the one's that are actually paying their child support as an incentive to pay(since the one's receiving it don't have to claim it as income).

 

There are lots of ways the system could improve. I just wish someone would actually make it happen. 

 

 

 
February 27, 2009, 8:10 am CST

This show makes me sick

I am so irritated by the show today. My husband has a daughter with his ex-wife and we have joint parenting. It is split 50/50, however, he still has to pay child support each month. WHY? I don't understand why everything can't be split. He doesn't make a lot of money and she lies about how much she really makes. I just don't understand the concept. She chooses to only work 3 days a week. Why don't moms step up to the plate to care for their children more? Why isn't there a show called deadbeat moms? I work full time and have an infant. I make that sacrafice to care for my child to ensure he has a wonderful future. I don't get why moms sit back and just expect everyone to take care of them.  I think it is so sexist and I think the court systems are so unfair and unjust. It makes me sick!
 
February 27, 2009, 8:10 am CST

not black and white

I think one of the biggest problems is the courts want to make every situation black or white... they are not the same. There are women that collect child support that have gotten remarried with new hubby making more than real dad and possibly even the woman working... there are situations where mom could work and just won't... the last family on there was a good example. the thing is, each situation is different and should be looked upon that way.  My father in law was in a situation where his wife left him, after she had an affair, she took the only child left in the home, age 11, (the others were grown), she worked a gov. job and made more than him, she married a man that worked in the car industry making 6 figures, and yet, my stuggling FIL had to pay child support. Now, SHE had the affair, SHE chose to leave, SHE made more $ and remarried to someone who made more than both of them ever had and yet the struggling one had to pay the support... and I ask, is this fair?????
 
February 27, 2009, 8:16 am CST

One of the first times I disagree with Dr Phil

I agree each parent should be responsible for child support. My mom never got child support from my father because he drank it all away. I agree with the gentlemen guest on there that they should give a debit card for  child support because if it is going to the child it shouldn't matter how they receive child support and that way they know what it is being spent on, since some parents can't be adults and actually speak to each other. I also disagree with Dr. Phil on the fact that court systems would put the child that the child support goes to over another child in the relationship of the person paying child support because I have a friend who her husband was behind on child support( which was his fault) but the courts froze her accounts and she couldn't even buy food for her child. When she called the court to inform them that they were taking away from another child, they said they didn't care. I know this because when she called she put them on speaker phone so if she needed a witness for some reason she would have one and I was that witness. I know what I heard and there was no sympathy for the other child. I am a woman with a child and I would do anything for him.  I also agree the courts are so quick to jump on the deadbeat dads( which they should) but what about the deadbeat moms?
 
February 27, 2009, 8:18 am CST

Deadbeat Fathers

First, I was a divorced mother and married a divorced father, women who thinks they deserve money for their children are exploiting their children even more than the fathers.  I believe that women should not receive the money personally and that fathers by law should get 50 percent of the bills acquired by the children and be held accountable for those bills. My husbands ex-wife bought motorcycles, dirt bikes, and vehicles with my husbands child support. The kids never had clothes or essentials that should have been provided by the child support. She dictated when, how and what we could do with the kids and to fight this we had to pay numerous court fees. The system is set to give money to the custodial parent, but hold both parents accountable for the children's development. I believe fathers should have equal rights, as I have provided by ex-husband with and should be accountable to the cost of having equal rights. If the father chooses to sever the ties, only then do they pay for the cost of raising the child.

The courts have no interest in the children they are in place to enforce the law, the children are truly the victims and they pay severely in their lives. We need to stop using them as tokens and realize they are examples of our decisions and will suffer the consequences in their adult lives. 

Our children have verbalized over and over again what they had to endure in their lives because of parent vs parent. Sham on all of us for failing to recognize their pain and suffering while arguing over money and expenses. If you have a deadbeat father, make him accountable for the child, not the expense of the child. This may mean you do not live like you once did, but the child is still involved in their fathers life and they do not feel the anguish of being in the middle.

 
February 27, 2009, 8:20 am CST

dead beat dads

I have to say this show really set me off.  I have been divorced for over 18 years this really struck a nerve with me.

 

I was previously married and went through a divorce.  My ex husband use to tell my kids that the reason they had things was because he gave me money.  I had a degree and worked as an RN.  I worked Part time when we first were divorced because my kids were young ( age 3 yo and 4 yo) and my ex traveled all of the time.  It always bothered me that the kids always thought the reason we had things was because of him.  I don't understand why men suddenly believe they do not have a responsibility to provide for their kids once they get divorced.  If we were still married they would be paying more than what they pay in child support.   Though with inflation and the costs of items going up I never asked for more money.  My ex made significantly more money that I did.   It was not until my kids were in there teens  that I took my husband back for more child support.  When I went to see the attorney he told me that I should have been taking my husband to court every year for a pay increase.  I just don't understand why men assume that the women is spending the money on themselves.  There may be some women like that, but I think that is few and far between. 

 

 I worked very hard to not talk bad about my ex.  It was not until I was at the store with my daughter, my new husband and newborn child that I broke.  My daughter wanted me to buy her some sparkle lotion and told me that I should buy it for her because that is why her dad gave me money.   I explained to her that I could not even afford a winter coat for my newborn and I was not going to buy her the lotion.  I then explained to her that  when we got home I was going to go through with her the money that comes in compared to what goes out.   I think it was then my daughter understood that  though we, my husband and myself, worked there was not extra money if any money left over after the bills were paid.

 

Thanks for letting me vent!

 
February 27, 2009, 8:24 am CST

Dead Beat Dads

My comment is that if a man and woman decide to play around and a child is born it is not that baby's fault and if they stay together and can work it out great, but if not and the non-custodial parent still wants to be apart of the childs life then they should have to foot some of the bills also.

However, I do not agree with women who have children, want money but refuse to let the dad be in the child's life. If they want to be there and they can pay for something and the child is not going without people need to learn how to communicate as adults and not even involve the court system.

Also, the man on today for the men's rights that was stating that men should be given visitation so that they will want to pay well that is a bunch of nonsense. Child Support and Visitation are two seperate orders. If a man or woman wants to be involved in their child's life then get that order too. If the other parent breaks these court orders, call the sheriff. I think that remark was a cop out.

I worked hard by myself for 7 years to take care of my two children by myself and it was like pulling teeth to get child support from one father and the other isn't there so I don't pursue his child support I take care of this son on my own by working full time, going to school and climbing up the corporate ladder and trying not to be a burden on society.

So, not trying to ramble but if people both men and women would just grow up and look at what they are really doing, which is hurting these kids maybe a light will come on and everyone will start taking care of their children THEY CHOSE TO MADE both financially, physically & emotionally!!!

 
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