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Topic : 07/13 Affairs of the Heart

Number of Replies: 73
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, February 27, 2009, 02:13:35 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 03/04/09) Can married people be friends with someone of the opposite sex without sex getting in the way? At what point does a friendly relationship become an affair of the heart or emotional infidelity? Meet Randy, who says his wife, Amanda, has crossed the line. He says that during their 11-year marriage, Amanda has been emotionally unfaithful time and time again, with men ranging from online acquaintances to a rock-and-roll singer who happened to be Randy’s best friend. As a former Navy Seal, Randy says he feels like he’s in a constant state of red alert because he has to watch his wife like a hawk. Amanda says her emotional entanglements are just fantasies, not real cheating. She’s not looking to replace her husband but merely wants a little more freedom, because she says Randy’s controlling behavior makes her feel like a prisoner in her own marriage. Can this union, rocked by betrayal and facing a true time of reckoning, continue? And how great a role does drinking play in Amanda’s indiscretions? Plus, the couple’s three little girls suffer the fallout from their mom and dad’s problems. Learn the classic parenting mistake Amanda and Randy make that you don’t want to repeat. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 4, 2009, 2:08 pm CST

To Randy

I don't understand what motivates any spouse to do this but I'm sure they have their personal reasons.  Please understand this, any married person that tells his/herself this is okay is wrong on every level.

In your case, she's blaming you for her cheating decisions and she's not going to stop until she learns a very serious life lesson that unfortunately includes you and the children. 

She needs to freaking grow up.  Emotionally, she's fifteen and shopping around while you're playing a daddy role, blaming yourself.  Stop it!!!!!  You're not causing her immaturity.......but you're feeding it.

You need to give yourself some credit that you're the mature parent that's raising your daughters and require that she muster up or else because right now, your wife is behaving like fatal attraction bait. 

 
March 4, 2009, 2:12 pm CST

more information would be nice.

I am dealing with my husband having had an emotionall afffair on me back in oct. I found out I was pregnant with our second child not even a week after I caught him.  Now his brother is dating this same woman and mil supports it . I am trying to find my way through tis and was hoping Dr. phil would talk about the hows and whys . So far I have found more information about emotional affairs just about everywhere I have looked.
 
March 4, 2009, 2:44 pm CST

Randy and Amanda

Boy howdy! Amanda.... sweetie... WAKE UP.  Randy truly seems like a total gem of a guy. Sincere, concerned, open ... and ready to make whatever change is necessary. Not saying he's perfect ... heck -- all we know is what's on the tv but from this angle, he is worth making efforts toward.  The emotional promiscuity is the heart of the angst. Cure that, and things will begin to change.
 
March 4, 2009, 3:05 pm CST

Amanda is addicted

Endorphins are released in the brain when you have a new relationship- it's a scientific fact.  When a marriage becomes 'settled in', the HIGH is gone.  She doesn't really respect him and knows she can do whatever she wants and the consequences won't be that bad, as he's never really done anything about her other 'indescretions'

 

If she hasn't had sex, she certainly will at the first real opportunity, regardless that she has 3 little girls.  ( I think she has) She can't seem to help herself.  The only way he can help her is 'tough love.'  I think he could bring her flowers every day & stand on his head & it wouldn't change the mode she is in.  She's living in a fantasy world.  What a horrible awakening she will have some day soon if she doesn't quit it now!

 
March 4, 2009, 3:10 pm CST

Affairs of the heart

Quote From: cherie_il

As to the above quote, there is a difference between what you are describing and this couple. 

 

This husband is awesome and I think this husband and wife have a LOT to save.  My hubby and I have been in a similar situation, with me being the one who had "emotional" affairs.  My husband was controlling, had anger issues and we were not getting along.  After some serious counseling, mental health help for his anger, and my willingness to fully participate in the marriage and family we are still a family; a much healthier, happier family.  And we are both SO happy that we worked on things and I'm sure our children are too!

 

My message to you is different from all the bashing you may get.  My message to you is that you are both good people who have some issues you need to work out.  You married for a reason and you had children for a reason. It IS possible to have a happy, healthy, loving family.  You just have to do the work:).

She isn't HEARING a thing Dr. Phil is saying. She is not getting it. Sure one can have communication with the opposite sex, but the line gets drawn wihen the intentions of the game change. She has failed to own her wrong doings. Really own them and make CHANGE. There seems to be an excuse for every wrong action. She had justified her wrong doings so much so that she can't wake up and own the responsibility.

 

YES, her actions are a direct result of her INTENTIONS. It is that simple. It is a lie to say she doesn't intend what happens. Yes, she does. Fully. Very cut and dry. She believes otherwise becasue she tells herself this. The moment she decides to cease this behavior, the better she wil be. SHe can cease it by simply making a decision to do so. Being addicted or any of that is hogwash. She can control her actions. Nothing is making her do what she does. She simply doesn't care.

 

She is treasonous to the husband and her family as a mother and wife. Before they can ever help that marriage, she must first discover WHO she is and WHAT is her role in that relationship. After that, she needs to make amends in the relationship to HIM through what ever means. 

 

She must SHOW through direct demonstartion to him that she wants that marriage. She doesn't know what she wants. She says she does but she is confused and mixed up. Seriously. SHe is functionig from another reality all together.

 

Get the roles figured out and get on with the game of raising a family and wearing the "hat" of WIFE.

 

If she can't do that, then move on. She has MANY undisclosed offenses in that marriage. Many more than what the husband is aware of. This is the tip of the iceberg.

 

He too. He has many offenses of the ommitted kind, he has faiiled to handle her actions, he has failed to put his foot down. He has failed to call her to the mat on the first offense by allowing her to carry on with the relationship without first making amends from the first time she ever did what she did.

 

She must decide to want that marriage first. Very simple. From there, they might make it. Good luck.

She is irresponsible. the drinking for starters. Are you kidding me? Why does she even NEED to drink in the first place.

 

 
March 4, 2009, 3:25 pm CST

03/04 Affairs of the Heart

I'm no expert, but I do think it's possible the woman on the show has an impulse problem, it's clearly interferring with her life.
 
March 4, 2009, 3:33 pm CST

My own lesson learned

It made me so sad to see that Randy was feeling like this was his fault... that he wasn't 'enough'. He is, indeed, quite a catch. It seems that Amanda has a void that she's trying to fill, and now that her marriage has matured beyond the 'butterflies-in-the-stomach' stage, she's looking for that same feeling in the wrong places.

 

I've been married to my amazing husband for nearly 20 years, but in the beginning I was still pretty immature. I took him for granted and placed my work and my friends above him, and had one foot outside the marriage, not necessarily looking for an an affair, but looking for flirtation. I had several near hookups, but didn't even realize I was putting out the type of signals that I was open to this until I had the opportunity to take things to the next level, and I was horrified at what could have happened. Then my heart changed completely after we had children... and I also began caring about what God thought of me, too.  I could see my husband for the wonderful man that he is, and realized that he was head and shoulders above any of the shallow jerks who had been willing to flirt with a married woman. I also realized that I truly loved my husband, and would have been crushed if I hurt him. 

 

Today, life is a blast. Let me tell you, deep, mature love that's grown over time is imminently more fabulous than those early infatuation butterflies. And you just can't get there until you're 100% in the marriage.... no foot dangling outside, looking for something more exciting.

 

Amanda, you're not evil. But please do get some help to recognize what that hole is inside yourself, and take time to build a strong, loving, trusting relationship with Randy. Your life will be SO much more fulfilling.

 

 
March 4, 2009, 5:15 pm CST

Just my point of view

I really admire both Amanda and her hubby for even appearing on national television stating their marital problems for the world to view.  It really was informative and helpful for me. And I appreciate the topic very much.

As I am a wife with a hubby who has been emotionally (if not physically unfaithful too) I know how hurtful this situation can be.

I would like to say to Amanda's hubby, and to Amanda.  God has blessed you both with a beautiful marriage and 3 beautiful children.  Please take this gift and treasure it, not doing anything to ruin it.  Take Dr. Phil's good advice to heart, and let it make your marriage better.  This life is not about just how we can be happy, but how we can make another happy.  I am learning this every day.  I hope you can too.

God Bless You Both~


 
March 4, 2009, 6:06 pm CST

What we women need to do

Quote From: pleen45

Oh my gawd are you guys kidding me?  what Amanda needs is love and support, obviousy she didnt get it from her dad or any adult male figure in her life and she is not getting any love and support from her husband now. he has to watch her like a detective, well why not just talk to her and reassure her that you love her. everything about her. are you bothering to listen to her needs? or are you so focused on the house being cleaned? ask yourself husband what are you not doing to fulfill your wifes emotional needs at home. are you listening to her at all. what are you not doing for her emotionally that she so despertly needs to seek outside the home.  you have to ask yourself why is she seeking emotional support from everyother man but you,, well maybe because she is getting that support, RESPECT from others who actually value what she feels and thinks about her own life, needs and life. you know as fufilling as our children are in our lives, we women still need adult love, compassion, respect, a voice to be heard, who gives a rats ass about how clean the house is.

when will the men in our world learn to stop trying to control every minute our women's lives...because when you let us go, we might fly back and nest with you.

 

 

you know what we need to do women, is to stop focusing on what we think or feel the men need from us in their lives and start focusing on what we need to make happen in our lives to make us happy. We all talk about our relationships with men, why they arent happy, how to make them happy, how to make them feel fufilled. but what are they doing on a constant basis to fufill our lives? they bitch and complain about what we spend on clothes to look professional at work, which is the money that buys the groceries or pays for daycare, they bitch and complain if the meat is overcooked because we got distracted by the five year old in the room, they bitch and complain if we focus too much on the children, the phone, the housework, the bills, our elderly parents, the pets, the laundry...and so so much more. Now, a woman happens to have a chat with a man at work who actually does help with housework and the kids;actually can communicate a creative thought, opinion, adores his wife and kids, and we are not supposed to be in awe? have you men out there complaining with your fat buts on the couch ever tried that? ...communicating... cause we women are actually trying to figure out why he ticks and you dont?

and why in the hell are you jealous? you dont give a dam when i am busy cleaning, talking to your mom, cooking, laundry, putting the kids to bed...how come your not so jealous of that loss of time that you dont jump to help me so that i can strickly focus on you....and hey maybe even me!  you men are all about you and your control. and we women need to wake up and to say that no matter how much counsel we seek from books, counsellors, friends, etc, you are all primal, and all you care about is your meat, sleep, and to breed when your instinct kicks in.

we women need to realize we have evolved, we constantly change and nurture and change again and again, we educate ourselves and our babes....this is why there are some men in the world who arent selfish and controlling/primal.

women, take charge of your life for you and for your babes. If he finally gets it, great, if he doesnt...well let him be primal and take care of the roof over his head...and the food. the only satisfaction we will ever get is if we learn to take care of our own minds/body and soul. and that of our babies.

when we truly learn to satisfy ourselves and our babies, is when we will truly find happiness in our worlds.

Men have proven time and time again, they choose not  rise up to our challenges of mind body and spirit. so do what you need to do in life to fufill yourself. as then you will not be disappointed.

and by the way, lets encourage each other to be self supportive, and lets not focus on fixing ourselves for them...let them be...let us move on...let us be. as then we will truly be happy.

 
March 4, 2009, 6:11 pm CST

Stormin

Hey  Doc..    Stormin here  300 miles north of Toronto, in the Great White North.  You had a cure for that "Affairs of the heart"  lady  a few years ago.  Get her husband to drive her 1000 miles away and let her loose on the stage with the pole so she can get all the attention that she wants and make a little money on the side..  Then if that don't wake her up she can go ahead and wreck her husbands yellow brick road he has been  trying to piece together that most of us good men are trying to do.
 
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