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Topic : 07/13 Affairs of the Heart

Number of Replies: 73
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Created on : Friday, February 27, 2009, 02:13:35 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 03/04/09) Can married people be friends with someone of the opposite sex without sex getting in the way? At what point does a friendly relationship become an affair of the heart or emotional infidelity? Meet Randy, who says his wife, Amanda, has crossed the line. He says that during their 11-year marriage, Amanda has been emotionally unfaithful time and time again, with men ranging from online acquaintances to a rock-and-roll singer who happened to be Randy’s best friend. As a former Navy Seal, Randy says he feels like he’s in a constant state of red alert because he has to watch his wife like a hawk. Amanda says her emotional entanglements are just fantasies, not real cheating. She’s not looking to replace her husband but merely wants a little more freedom, because she says Randy’s controlling behavior makes her feel like a prisoner in her own marriage. Can this union, rocked by betrayal and facing a true time of reckoning, continue? And how great a role does drinking play in Amanda’s indiscretions? Plus, the couple’s three little girls suffer the fallout from their mom and dad’s problems. Learn the classic parenting mistake Amanda and Randy make that you don’t want to repeat. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 6, 2009, 6:01 am CST

03/04 Affairs of the Heart

Quote From: jarede1973

If this was any closer to my own situation, it would be me and my wife on stage!  I don't usually watch the show so a friend at work told me about this.  WOW!  I wish I had seen this show.  I wish I knew what to do myself.  I've tried everything to make my marriage work, now all I can do is just care for my son and try to detach from my wife.  I've offered to go to counseling, I try to talk to her about my emotions, and I've asked what I can do to make things better for her.  I get nothing in response.  No remorse, nothing!  I'm defiantly at my wits end!  I wish we could sit down with Dr. Phil.  Instead, it looks like we are heading for divorce (which we can't even do until August because of state law).  I guess we have about five months to work things out or move on.  I wish I had someone to sit down and help us to work things out!  But, I guess I'm willing but she doesn't seem to be.

Thanks for letting me speak my mind. 

WOW..this subject is really getting to me...It's not like any of you guys see what is happening to you and figure if she is doing it well" so am I".....my hat is off to you all for wanting to work things out, and it's the saddest things that so many women don't appreciate what they have.....I believe this is some form of sickness.....if only there was a magic pill.....but for now they self medicated by ruining lives to make themselves feel better.....

Be a good dad it's the best place to put your energy....cuz wasting it on trying to stop her won't work....she'll find some way some how to do what she wants....

GOOD LUCK! August will come sooner than u think....

Share yourself with someone who cares...

 
March 6, 2009, 7:03 am CST

It helps to talk...its Amanda

Quote From: cherie_il

As to the above quote, there is a difference between what you are describing and this couple. 

 

This husband is awesome and I think this husband and wife have a LOT to save.  My hubby and I have been in a similar situation, with me being the one who had "emotional" affairs.  My husband was controlling, had anger issues and we were not getting along.  After some serious counseling, mental health help for his anger, and my willingness to fully participate in the marriage and family we are still a family; a much healthier, happier family.  And we are both SO happy that we worked on things and I'm sure our children are too!

 

My message to you is different from all the bashing you may get.  My message to you is that you are both good people who have some issues you need to work out.  You married for a reason and you had children for a reason. It IS possible to have a happy, healthy, loving family.  You just have to do the work:).

I just wanted to start off by saying thank you. I need people to just be able to see past the specific details of the choices I have made, hence, the topic of the show. Randy and I have always been in love and from the very beginning we were never apart. (This was in 1998!) As I have stated previously, our first daughter was born when we were celebrating our 6th month anniversary basically. We regret not treasuring that time that we lost. I wish someone had been there, like a parental unit, right before I met Randy. Someone to give me direction and really guide me. Not just give up, frustrated, when a rebellious teenager (I was 18) deliberately did the opposite. But then I met Randy. He changed me in a million ways, and that was always for the good. He saved me, really. The years I spent before I met Randy were tradgically hideous. I did what I wanted, when I wanted it, without ANY concern for others. Randy and I had our daughter, and OMG did I grow up! By 19 years old (I was a baby now that i look back) raising my first baby. Not quite sure what to do, but enough "motherly instincts" and common sense to take care of my dauhter the way she needed. I am there ALL the time with my daughters, they were , and still are, my whole world and consume a lot of my time. However, I am a mother, and I would die for those girls.

 

The point is, everyone comes from somewhere with some kind of foundation. Mine was broken, maybe even made of sand (metaphorically speaking). It became concrete the day I met Randy without exaggeration. I dont care for anyones judgement or criticism. It really has been affecting me. I hate it. So, in defense to my family, we WILL be back on the show in 5 years if Dr. Phil calls. The fact is we are too strong of a unit to even consider separating. I can't believe people are suggesting that. Anyway, I must stop myself from coming to this Website. It really is torture.

 

To the people that we helped. I dont even know what to say. I am so greatful to have people showing so much concern for our family. My children are well taken care of, always have been. We are a financially struggling family just like you and everyone else. Keep families together and with God in the center, everything else will follow suit. Let me leave you with this : You, your spouse, and God should be compared to a braid. You don't have a true braid unless you have three separate but coming together (like a braid) and becoming one in the other.

 

Thank you all     ~Amanda~

 

 
March 6, 2009, 12:59 pm CST

Less accusing and more advice

Dr Phil,

Really value the information and advice you offer the public.  I find it, for the most part, honest and

frank with little or no sensationalism.  But I was saddened with how little help on the air you offer this couple.  We all understood that they both had deep emotional insecurities which definately played off of each other.  What I wanted from you was a little more possitive and some real solutions to their obvious needs.  Teach us!  Don't judge us.  Help us!  Don't just accuse.  Through this couple, so many of us could have and should have found some helpful suggestions to strengthen our own relationships.  That's why we watch you.  I understand that ratings are very important.  But I present this questions.  Are ratings more important than touching just one of your viewers.  I sincerely hope not.  Positive truth and unjudamental advice is always more constructive.  Thanks for listening.  Claudia for Utah

 
March 6, 2009, 2:19 pm CST

03/04 Affairs of the Heart

Quote From: jarede1973

If this was any closer to my own situation, it would be me and my wife on stage!  I don't usually watch the show so a friend at work told me about this.  WOW!  I wish I had seen this show.  I wish I knew what to do myself.  I've tried everything to make my marriage work, now all I can do is just care for my son and try to detach from my wife.  I've offered to go to counseling, I try to talk to her about my emotions, and I've asked what I can do to make things better for her.  I get nothing in response.  No remorse, nothing!  I'm defiantly at my wits end!  I wish we could sit down with Dr. Phil.  Instead, it looks like we are heading for divorce (which we can't even do until August because of state law).  I guess we have about five months to work things out or move on.  I wish I had someone to sit down and help us to work things out!  But, I guess I'm willing but she doesn't seem to be.

Thanks for letting me speak my mind. 


    You guess you willing to work things out in your marriage?...
     
           WOW, I never see anyone so fantastic, you must be a miracle send from heaven or something. 
You stink!
                Go see the movie :'FIREPROOF", maybe you will learn how to behave!...


 
March 6, 2009, 3:40 pm CST

03/04 Affairs of the Heart

Quote From: browneyed_girl

Listen if he truly was trying to be your friend and make you feel good about yourself....then that is great ...but it has to stop there...

There are many men out there who would treat you right and love you forever......you don't need to give in to these feelings...

you will only feel dirty used and regret it forever....

you got to feel that you deserve more than that.....if it's some thrill he's after cuz his life may have gotten boring....tell him there are plenty of places he can go to get cheap thrills....

don't sell yourself short :)...be strong !

Yes he truly is my best friend, and I do love him and probably always will, but will never have sex with him,unless he ever gets divorced and I'm not saying I wish that ,because I'm not that type of person. I just didn't know if what we were doing is actually an emtional affair, that's really what all this boils down to. If it is how do I go about talking to him about all this.
 
March 6, 2009, 6:52 pm CST

03/04 Affairs of the Heart

Quote From: amemond1979

I just wanted to start off by saying thank you. I need people to just be able to see past the specific details of the choices I have made, hence, the topic of the show. Randy and I have always been in love and from the very beginning we were never apart. (This was in 1998!) As I have stated previously, our first daughter was born when we were celebrating our 6th month anniversary basically. We regret not treasuring that time that we lost. I wish someone had been there, like a parental unit, right before I met Randy. Someone to give me direction and really guide me. Not just give up, frustrated, when a rebellious teenager (I was 18) deliberately did the opposite. But then I met Randy. He changed me in a million ways, and that was always for the good. He saved me, really. The years I spent before I met Randy were tradgically hideous. I did what I wanted, when I wanted it, without ANY concern for others. Randy and I had our daughter, and OMG did I grow up! By 19 years old (I was a baby now that i look back) raising my first baby. Not quite sure what to do, but enough "motherly instincts" and common sense to take care of my dauhter the way she needed. I am there ALL the time with my daughters, they were , and still are, my whole world and consume a lot of my time. However, I am a mother, and I would die for those girls.

 

The point is, everyone comes from somewhere with some kind of foundation. Mine was broken, maybe even made of sand (metaphorically speaking). It became concrete the day I met Randy without exaggeration. I dont care for anyones judgement or criticism. It really has been affecting me. I hate it. So, in defense to my family, we WILL be back on the show in 5 years if Dr. Phil calls. The fact is we are too strong of a unit to even consider separating. I can't believe people are suggesting that. Anyway, I must stop myself from coming to this Website. It really is torture.

 

To the people that we helped. I dont even know what to say. I am so greatful to have people showing so much concern for our family. My children are well taken care of, always have been. We are a financially struggling family just like you and everyone else. Keep families together and with God in the center, everything else will follow suit. Let me leave you with this : You, your spouse, and God should be compared to a braid. You don't have a true braid unless you have three separate but coming together (like a braid) and becoming one in the other.

 

Thank you all     Amanda

 

I have a totally different perspective than what I have read so far. I watch these shows a little behind. but watching your show, i can think of my own position. i am surprised that Dr. Phil didn't delve a little bit more into the relationship between you and your husband. I am a victim of very subtle emotional abuse. I have been drained slowly in a 22 year marriage and have constantly blamed myself. I have had an affair because I was looking for emotional support and ended up giving away physical as well. i know the empty feeling and the confusion as to why i am empty because my husband tells me that he is doing everything possible but at the same time he makes me feel like a failure. i know the need to find affirmation from somewhere, anywhere in hopes that maybe a little outside help will make me complete so that I can better serve my husband and please him.

 

Amanda, please make sure that your relationship is safe. your husband comes across very well meaning and I know the type. but his behaviors may be more emotionally abusive than truly supportive. Do you blame yourself for all your relationship issues, have you lost your self-esteem, do you wonder why you can't make your marriage work no matter how hard you try?  Ask these hard questions and address them with your husband. he may unknowingly be holding you in emotional turmoil. You both need to address this and make sure that you are in a healthy relationship.

 

i wish Dr. Phil had looked into this perspective a little as I would like answers for my own situation.

but I feel for both of you and know that if you look in the right directions, you will make it

 

 
March 9, 2009, 4:06 pm CDT

This episode may be the beginning of healing

Dr. Phil:

 

Thank you for this episode.

 

I was physically cheated on by what I think is a narcissist. Your show was the tool it took to finally figure out why my STBX was emotionally never connected, had no conscience, and exhibited the same traits as Amanda did in this episode. And yes, I'm slow. It's taken 25 years for me to see all of this. I think I saw it, but could not identify what exactly it was that was missing/wrong.

 

I spoke to my therapist about this episode. I have blamed myself for his affairs because he had convinced me that I "wasn't good enough." After seeing both people in that relationship, I sympathized with the husband. Nothing he could do would make his wife stop behaving so poorly.

 

Once I was able to see similar characteristics to my husband, my therapist was able to identify many more of our relationship dynamics. If I hadn't seen this episode, who knows how many more months, maybe years, I would have spent blaming myself for choices that I did not make.

 

I would like to see a follow-up episode on this couple. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thank you.

 
March 10, 2009, 8:12 pm CDT

You've gotta be kidding me....

Can we say denial? Sitting there listening and never once (in my opinion) did a single thing get through amanda's  head and I cannot understand how Randy would put up with this insolent and childish behavior...  I wish I had a husband who cared about me as much as he does her, and he obviously does, or wouldn't still be sitting there next to her. There is such a thing as being friends with the opposite sex, but clearly her behavior crosses the line. The thing that upset me about this story is that amanda's attitude never changed, man, she just wasn't getting it.... and the worst thing is that there are children in the crosshairs and it just goes over her head. I don't mean to speak ill of a person I do not know, but I just wanted to scream at the end of this show......
 
March 11, 2009, 7:30 am CDT

First time on here!

Ok, I have watched the Dr.Phil show for years! I am 26 years old from Ohio! I have most of the time enjoyed his shows and his humor! I have NEVER posted on this site before or any site like this until I watched the show Affairs Of The Heart on a re-run this morning! Ok... for one I have heard Dr.Phil on his show be more Harsh for way less acts. I honestly personally feel that he wasn't telling her anything really that he should have been, compared to what I have heard on his show in the past! This woman is not going to change, she knows exactly what she's doing, shes using the fact she's younger than him to her advantage acting all innocent and duh I dunno what I'm doing crap- GET real...Seriously, Emotional Affairs?? Seriously she has been everything but caught in bed with someone else. She has went in every single direction she could- TO HER CHILDERNS SCHOOL?? WOW- I am totally floored there is no excuse she is a grown married woman with children! I don't care how much of an age difference there is between these two.. She is playing him for a sucker and Dr.Phil played into her hand. She knows exactly what she's doing!!!! She blamed everything, everyone and took NO blame in the matter what-so-ever. She doesn't care about her husband or her childern all she cares about is her own selfish needs and attention like shes a child- She is an Adult and treating her like she has an actual addiction of some sort is total and utter wrong! Him Nor his children should be with this woman. When you have children their needs comes before your own- Tell me one way this woman is putting her kids before hers?? Also, HE CALLED the show- So how the heck can she say she wants help? She's on the show to play little miss innocent, brainwash her husband and the next victim she might find out there! As for her husband.. Wow- All I can say is you served your country but yet you can't man up to your "wife" for atleast your kids sake. Thats pretty selfish also, he's more worried about keeping her than his kids wellbeing- So My question is who in this is looking out for those kids best interest? Noone!!! It's a horrible thing and everyone involved is allowing it to happen!! Dr.Phil Seriously I think you are good at what you do- But on this one- You didn't do anything but help her hide it better- make more excuses and gave him an excuse to stay with her.
 
March 11, 2009, 1:27 pm CDT

Can I talk to you as a wife?

Quote From: iluv2sing83

So I met this guy a year ago and he is a married man. He is my best friend and he has helped me so much in feeling better about myself. Anyways at first we didn't hit it off real well, but then we became best friends. We in a playful way admitted we liked eachother ,but knew nothing could be done since he is married. We e-mail, txt and we had lunch together one time last year, not long after we met, his wife had no problem with the lunch deal. We joke a lot sexually and it's so fun ,but I don't think she knows we talk so much. For instance we tell each what we want to do in life and then if something happens about it then we tell each other. Recently we were talking and I said we need to get together soon, he said tell me about which hotel? Of course we are joking consciously, but what scares me is subconsciously in the back of my mind and his are we serious? I have strong feelings for him and I have tried to make them go away but they won't.  He told me that if he wasn't married he would be very intrested in me. There's more to it but that's the short version. So someone please help me is what I'm doing wrong ,because I'm not the only party involved, he is participating also. We have never had sex and I would like to think I wouldn't because he is married man and that's wrong.

  First of all I want to tell you that you need to quit talking to, seeing, texting, joking, anything, etc. with this married man. The two of you have crossed the boundaries of what is right and wrong. Ask yourself this, have you had any conversations that you would not want his wife to hear? If so, then it's wrong!

  An emotional affair can very easily break up a marriage. His wife is probably a very nice and good woman. If he says she not, he more than likely lying. Men will tell the other woman things that are wrong with their wife to make them look bad to the other woman and also to help relieve the guilt they feel for what they are doing. If they say it and think it enough then they will eventually believe it. He goes home every night to his wife and sleeps in their marriage bed, and makes love to her. And believe me, even if he says they never or hardly ever have sex, he's again lying.

  Think about how you would feel someday when you are eventually married and your husband was doing this behind your back. It would hurt you deeply wouldn't it? And you will be married someday, so be careful over the karma that you put out there. His wife is the one who is struggling with the children, doing his laundry, cleaning the house, and helping with the finances. When this man is with you it's stress free time. It's not real life. Men turn to other women often times to escape from reality and live in fairyland. I beg of you to not allow him to use you this way and for you to not take part in hurting his wife.

  Everything this man has said to you is so inappropriate. If he had any respect for you and especially his wife, he would never had said these things. Even if he divorced his wife for you, which I doubt, what do you think your chances are of living happily ever after? Zero to none.

  I read where you said this man made you feel better about yourself and that he made you feel pretty. I'm sure you are without his comments. You need to learn self esteem on your own, not from a married man who will say anything to get what he really wants. You also say that you would never have sex with a married man but from the sound of it, that's exactly where this is heading. If you ever meet him at that motel keep in mind that there's a good chance that he has already made love to his wife within the last 12 hours or will later that night or next morning. Their married, it's what we do.

  Find a single man and get 'over' this married one. This is a disaster waiting to happen for all of you. And trust me, you are the one who will be alone when it's all over. And truly do you really want to hurt his wife? If not then stop talking to this man because if she finds out what's already gone on she will be hurt very deeply.

Respectfully,

A Wife

 
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