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Topic : 07/13 Affairs of the Heart

Number of Replies: 73
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, February 27, 2009, 02:13:35 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 03/04/09) Can married people be friends with someone of the opposite sex without sex getting in the way? At what point does a friendly relationship become an affair of the heart or emotional infidelity? Meet Randy, who says his wife, Amanda, has crossed the line. He says that during their 11-year marriage, Amanda has been emotionally unfaithful time and time again, with men ranging from online acquaintances to a rock-and-roll singer who happened to be Randy’s best friend. As a former Navy Seal, Randy says he feels like he’s in a constant state of red alert because he has to watch his wife like a hawk. Amanda says her emotional entanglements are just fantasies, not real cheating. She’s not looking to replace her husband but merely wants a little more freedom, because she says Randy’s controlling behavior makes her feel like a prisoner in her own marriage. Can this union, rocked by betrayal and facing a true time of reckoning, continue? And how great a role does drinking play in Amanda’s indiscretions? Plus, the couple’s three little girls suffer the fallout from their mom and dad’s problems. Learn the classic parenting mistake Amanda and Randy make that you don’t want to repeat. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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February 27, 2009, 3:41 pm CST

Doctor Phil Show.

Affair Doctor Heart Of Phil/Robin The.What is this all about? I donot understand that. See you on Wednes-

day March 04th, 2009.Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.-----------------------------------------------------------------

 
March 4, 2009, 8:01 am CST

Affairs of the Heart

I can relate to this...my brother in law was engaged to his high school sweetheart. They had been together for 11 years and in his eyes everything was going just as planned. Until he had his heart crushed and found out that this person he spent 11 years of his life wih was having an emotional affair with a mutual friend. He is devastated!! He broke things off, because in his eyes she was cheating on him. It is very easy for the rest of the family to tell him to just move on, but he can't seem to do so due to the fact that they spent soo much time together. His ex on the other hand, acts as if she has done nothing wrong! It is so frustrating to me because I am seeing it from the outside in, and just want to shake her sometimes for being so naive. Throughout this whole thing she has done some things that make me think that she is trying to make it my brother in laws fault because she will not take ownership of her actions.

 
March 4, 2009, 8:10 am CST

After the affair

My (ex)fiance had 2 affairs spanning 2 years of our 3 1/2 year engagement. After I found out he swore he would never cheat again and we are trying to work things out. Everything has been great other than the fact that he refuses to cut all ties to the latest woman he was involved with. It's moved on from texting and IMing to having lunch. What does he expect me to expect the next step to be??? He knows how I feel about this and how much it hurts me and that it's preventing me from trusting him again, but he doesn't care. Physical infidelity has changed to emotional infidelity, at the very least. Most people would tell me to kick him to the curb but I still love him. We are starting couples counseling soon and I can only hope that things change.
 
March 4, 2009, 1:06 pm CST

OMG! This just happened to me

I just went thru this and my heart goes out to the husband.  My husband and I have been married for 5 years but together for 8 years.  He just recently was talking to his ex girlfriend and they were telling eachother that they loved and missed eachother.  I found out not even a week after is started and I was fuming.  He swears there was nothing there and there would never be anything there, "He was just talking to an old friend" he told me.  My heart really goes out to this husband, I know what he is going thru.  I hope that they can work this out and that if the marriage is worth saving then they can.  I keep him and his family in my prayers.
 
March 4, 2009, 1:19 pm CST

Same boat

I have always had close friends of the opposite sex.  In fact, one of my best guy friends was the one who introduced me to my husband.  My husband is in the military and when he went overseas for a year in 2003/2004, I was introduced to another guy friend through other friends.  He and I quickly became very close friends.  At some point in the last 4 1/2 years it has become first an emotional affair then a sexual affair.  I know I'm only hurting my husband, our child, and myself, but I'm not sure what to do or where to go from here.  I feel like I'm trapped in my marriage and am not sure what to do.  I can't continue to hurt those I love even if they have no idea what's going on.  I've never had an opposite sex friendship turn into an emotional affair before and most of my friends have been of the opposite sex.  If Amanda wants to stay in her marriage, she needs to cut all ties to the person she is in the emotional affair with.  Otherwise, she needs to let her husband go and move on.  But that's the hardest part: knowing what you have to do and then doing it.  That's the point I'm at.  Please don't judge me, you haven't walked in my shoes.   Amanda should not be judged either.  We don't know what really happens in her marriage.  I'm just telling you that it's really hard living every day knowing that the person I love is not the one I'm married to.  It's confusing and stressful.  I wouldn't advise anyone to follow this road.  It's not an easy one.
 
March 4, 2009, 1:19 pm CST

Amanda The Conquerer!

Amanda ought to invest some of her time & energy to her primary relationship. She is playing with fire by way her flirtations. She states, "We need to learn how to communicate", but she is making no effort in that direction. Amanda is rebelling against her husband. She seems to enjoy making her husband unsettled in the relationship. It is not the husband's reaction of trying to control that instigates her behavior, but her own need to be in control of the relationship. Randy deserves better treatment!
 
March 4, 2009, 1:20 pm CST

03/04 Affairs of the Heart

I find the notion that married men and women can't have friends of the opposite sex absolutely absurd.  I have been happily married for almost 16 years and both my husband and I have always had friends of the opposite sex.  My best friend is a man.  I've had lunch with him.  I speak to him on the phone frequently.  We e-mail back and forth.  He has been a guest in our home.  My husband is well aware of it.  He has no issues with it.  I have no issues with his female friends.  I trust him.  He trusts me.  We're both adults. We have a healthy and happy marriage.  The problem in this situation is Randy is a control freak and Amanda is childish and immature.  They both need therapy.
 
March 4, 2009, 1:47 pm CST

Get some counseling....

Quote From: crazymomtosix

I find the notion that married men and women can't have friends of the opposite sex absolutely absurd.  I have been happily married for almost 16 years and both my husband and I have always had friends of the opposite sex.  My best friend is a man.  I've had lunch with him.  I speak to him on the phone frequently.  We e-mail back and forth.  He has been a guest in our home.  My husband is well aware of it.  He has no issues with it.  I have no issues with his female friends.  I trust him.  He trusts me.  We're both adults. We have a healthy and happy marriage.  The problem in this situation is Randy is a control freak and Amanda is childish and immature.  They both need therapy.

As to the above quote, there is a difference between what you are describing and this couple. 

 

This husband is awesome and I think this husband and wife have a LOT to save.  My hubby and I have been in a similar situation, with me being the one who had "emotional" affairs.  My husband was controlling, had anger issues and we were not getting along.  After some serious counseling, mental health help for his anger, and my willingness to fully participate in the marriage and family we are still a family; a much healthier, happier family.  And we are both SO happy that we worked on things and I'm sure our children are too!

 

My message to you is different from all the bashing you may get.  My message to you is that you are both good people who have some issues you need to work out.  You married for a reason and you had children for a reason. It IS possible to have a happy, healthy, loving family.  You just have to do the work:).

 
March 4, 2009, 1:47 pm CST

Concerning, "Affairs of the Heart."

Quote From: hpmx59

Affair Doctor Heart Of Phil/Robin The.What is this all about? I donot understand that. See you on Wednes-

day March 04th, 2009.Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

I would like to respont to this. First of all, In a a question that Doc Phil stated on this show. About  someone's wife emailing, calling or having lunch with other men.  I do not agree with what this woman is doing. She sounds like she is looking for attention. She can sit and lie about all the situations that she got "caught" in. She don't need to be married. Evedentally, her her husband is not giving her what she needs. I would like to comment on the subject for myself. I have many male friends, that I e-mail, talk to and have lunch with. I am a very friendly person. I have a wonderful husband, whom I have been married to for 12 yrs. I do not have a desire that I don't get what I need at home. I am also a police officer in a world of men. This had NO bearing on my decision to join the police force because it consist of mainly men. I so loved the profession. When I worked with these guys, I let them know up-front I do not have interest in anything, but the job. I let them know "what they do is thier business, not mine." Only if it effects my well-being or that of the department. Thier personal life is not my business. This is how I have been able to maintain a civil relationship with men. I talk to them on the phone, e-mail and have lunch with them. My husband is quite aware and has been since I started on my Reserve status. I would leave him notes that I was going meet the guys. He always knew, it was only about the job. I have maintain this for a long time. It goes to show that a woman can work with men and not have an affair with them. I love my husband and respect my marriage, an love my profession.  On the woman in this story, she has a problem with needing attention. Her husband has issues too. He is in a form of denial. He wants his wife to do better, but keeps addmitting it's his fault. They both need help. Women like this and relationships like this make "decent" weman like me look bad. Oh.....an another thing, I bet there is "no God" in that marriage. Maybe they need to turn their marriage over to Him.

 
March 4, 2009, 1:55 pm CST

Couldnt agree more!

Todays show really touched my heart and soul. My marriage ended for all the same reasons Amanda is experiencing. My 3 young children are devastated and I am full of guilt. I am in counseling now to find out why I have the need for other mens attention and hopefully I will find the answer before I ruin the relationship I am currently in with a wonderful man.
I for many years blamed my ex (hes not there for me, he doesn't communicate, show me enough attention, etc.) Todays show made me realize that it was not him to fully blame, but more likely I was responsible.
I have alot of work ahead of me to get to the root of my problem but at least I know that I am not alone and that there are other women experiencing the same feelings as I am. I want to wish this couple the best of luck and I give the Husband tons of credit for not giving up yet. My husband threw me out on my behind and believe me I have tons of regret within me. Thank you Dr. Phil!
 
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