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Topic : 08/28 Love and Lies

Number of Replies: 53
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, March 06, 2009, 06:11:20 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard2

(Original Air Date: 03/12/09) Dr. Phil issues a strong warning to abusers: “If you're going to try to sell to me that it's OK to hit a woman, you need to circle the wagons, because I’m coming!” Vicki says her ex-husband, Ernie, was loving and charming when they first met, but he soon went from “Mr. Perfect to Mr. Psycho” and got physical with her twice. Ernie went to jail for beating Vicki, but he says he’s rehabilitated and wants a second chance. Should Vicki take him back or kick him to the curb for good? Then, fans were shocked and outraged when photos of a bruised and battered Rihanna surfaced, and her then-boyfriend, R&B singer Chris was accused of the assault. Dr. Phil reflects on meeting the young man. And, find out why a criminal defense lawyer says Brown should not do jail time. Tell us what you think!


Find out what happened on the show.


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March 13, 2009, 6:05 am CDT

allegedly

According to the alleged new police report released, allegedly Rhianna, by her own account, physically abused Chris Brown while he was driving on the road after seeing a text message sent to Chris from a former girlfriend. She then allegedly violently hit him with her hands and a shoe. Then allegedly Chris brown pushed her away from the steering wheel up against the passenger window causing damage on her forehead and then when she went back to attack him, he put her in a headlock causing brusing on her neck while he pulled over the vehicle. If this new police report is correct, then Rhianna not only endangered her life, but his and other drivers and pedestrians on the road. Rhianna's alleged actions are the actions of a domestic abuser.

 

After Chris allegedly pulled over the car according to the new alleged police report, Rhianna took his keys and sat on them. Which allegedly angered Chris even further. Chris then allegedly and violently punched her in the face which caused an injury to her lip. This last alleged action by Chris Brown is the action of a retaliatory domestic abuser; which is also unacceptable.

 

And, finally according to this new alleged poilce report, Rhianna said she has hit Chris before, but this is the first time that he has physically hit her back. Also, I have been unable to see any pictures of what Chris looked like after the incident.

 

After reading about this alleged new report, I think we should all take a step back from demonizing Chris, who is only 19 years old, and putting Rhianna, who is only 21, up as a poster child for abused victims, and wait until the truth is revealed. Nobody knows what really happened and the only person who seems to be handling this correctly in the media seems to be Sean Combs. We should probably follow his lead.

 
March 13, 2009, 6:28 am CDT

Louisiana law sucks

A couple I know had gotten in an argument. The wife and her oldest daughter hit the man. He called the police to make a report of the situation and he was the one to go to jail. They didn't have a mark on them and his shirt was torn and had scratch marks all over him. In Louisiana they said someone has to go to jail and since she knew the officers, he went.

 
March 13, 2009, 6:35 am CDT

Dr. Phil DOES NOT Get IT, Sadly

I posted a very long message, but perhaps it didn't show up.  I understand verbal and physical abuse.  I understand why women stay.  I stayed for THIRTY-SIX years (now divorced).

Verbal abuse is an insidious "epidemic" in our society and around the word.

It took me 25 years to find the book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans...one Ph.D. called it: "The Cornerstone of Civilization."  I concur.  Education is the key.

1 in 3 women are being abused; staggering statistics.  I would like to be a voice for the millions of women in abusive situations.  I do understand.  I believe we are all here to make a difference, and I have done 10 years of research on the subject, and am the moderator of an abused survivors group.

Most women are afraid to tell anyone, because usually if they do they are re-abused by people's ignorance (who make no effort to understand)...Even therapists, unless they have been specfically trained will miss what is going on (abusers are charming, master manipulators who can fool the best of them): Mr. Nice Guy to the outside world.

"When you blame me, you shame me and keep me silent."  This is what happens.

I am so passionate about this subject, and have been writing to the media for over 10 years.  Dr. Phil has experts on his program frequently.  I consider MYSELF to be an expert on the subject.

I lived it for 42 years in all (childhood also, which set me up to be abused)......I "married" my mother (original abuser) and tried to fix the past....

I grew up in extreme poverty (no phone, car, refrigerator, bathtub), with an emotional/physical violent mother.  I never knew my father (met him when I was 33).....molested by a drunken neighbor while asleep, had my hand held over an open fire by another drunken neighbor.  I joined the army right out of high school...from a little town in Maine to San Francisco, at the height of the Vietnam war......innocent as a 5 year old.

I invite anyone who reads this message to feel free to contact me (wacalice@aol.com)....I'd like to help.

I am proof that anyone can get out of abuse, with support, information and help from others.  It took one sentence to get me out:  "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself......win."

It was an excruciating journey and decision to get a divorce (abandoment issues).....but i did.

I've written my memoir:  Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice), and have amazing endorsements:

Elie Wiesel, Nikki Giovanni, Dr. Larry Dossey, Clint van Zandt, Alice Miller, Patricia Evans, etc....14 in all....

www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com...what happened to me when i got a divorce.  My church of 31 years voted me out of membership, with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words: "Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God."   Called to a meeting of deacons  (not allowed to have a woman with me, and asked: "Are you still having sex with your ex?"

So, now I am an "expert" in spiritual abuse.  I fought the system for 18 months to try and stop the pastor 9of disaster) from "counseling" any more women, because 2 of them wanted to commit suicide.  I have oveer 15,600 hits so far.

I went back to school last year at age 61 and won a women's scholarship... it was easy; all I had to do was write about my life...I was 1 of 10 receipients out of 1,600 applicants in the U.S. and Canada.

I wish Dr. Phil could read what I have written......abuse is a "shredding of the souls" and no one except those who have experienced it can understand (unless they get educated)....most women never tell.....why"

"When you blame me, you shame me, and keep me silent."

I lived with abuse for almost a whole lifetime (62 years).  I wish Dr. Phil would have me on the show...

I'd like to be that voice for abused women and make a difference.

E-mail: wacalice@aol.com (I would like to help)

Kindest Regards and Love,

Alice (overcomer and wounded-healer)




 
March 13, 2009, 8:59 am CDT

hypocracy

first let me start by saying that i have NEVER hit a woman, and never would hit a woman. its my personal belief, and just they way i was raised....... i can hardly even imagine doing it. however, that doesn't mean it's logical.

 

Dr. Phil, i just don't understand how you can logicaly say you believe in the equality of men and women, then say it's NEVER ok to hit one. how is that equal??

 

i'm sick and tired of women screaming for equality, but they only want to take the GOOD things about being equal, none of the bad. they are picking and choosing what aspects of equality they want......thats not equal!

 

some examples:

it seems to not be a huge deal if a woman hits a man, but vice/versa and its horrible.

men are always expected to pay on dates and such

if you are on a sinking ship, the old motto is "woman and children first". if men and woman are equal, then why isn't the motto "children first, men/woman first come first serve?"

if a woman commits the same crime a man does, they (quite often) get a lesser punishment.

if a woman tells a guy she like his hair (in the workplace) it's a compliment. vice/versa and it could  turn into a sextual harrasment suit.

 

i have absolutly NO problem with womens rights, and women wanting to be equal with men.

however, ladies......you gotta take the good with the bad.

if you think you are equal on all levels with men, then whats the big deal if a guy hits ya?? guys hit other guys all the time (even guys much weaker than them) but nobody makes a fuss.

 

women, stop being so hypocritical. if you believe in equality between men and women, then don't wine and pull the "but i'm a girl" card if ya get hit.

 

 

 

 

 
March 14, 2009, 10:46 am CDT

i can relate

first off let me start by saying i can very much relate to this.

my ex was abusive in all forms. but i still went back to him. he went as far as loading a gun and pting it and telling me if i left him he had nothing that was back in 2002 and i didnt end up leaving him until 2005. what finally was the last straw was when he raped me and i became pregnant with my second son and he tryed hitting me and then he tryed the scare tracticed of i want a divorce.  my parents raised me to believe men should never hit a woman, was that was i was stupid to think that would protect me??? i use to think i deserved it. but now i still don't know what to think. and its been that long. my parents and everyone else figured out what he was like why didnt i???? my parents finally had there last straw when i went back to him the first time and left me while i was pg and had my 1st child in a resterant parking lot.  my mother in law came and got me.  its been since 2005 since i have last seen my ex and still to this day i am puzzled, and i am still scared of ambulances cuase his mom use to or still does work  as a emt  (the whole family is violate)and i am still scared of him. becuase of me staying with him my 1st born son i believe this is the cuase of his speech/behavior  problem and my second son has unfortately gotton his ADHD and anger, which really scares me cuase i dont want him to grow up to be like his real daddy.

if it werent for my kids i probably would still be with him.  its becuase of my kids that i draw my strength.

Sarah

gf,mt

 
March 14, 2009, 8:49 pm CDT

Revictimized

I was sadly disappointed watching the show today and hearing Dr. Phil tell Vicki that the violence she experienced at the hands of her spouse was about her and her damaged self worth.  Even women with a good self esteem can be pulled into this kind of situation.  She didn't need to be blamed for what he did to her.  I saw the pictures of how badly he beat her, but that was just glossed over.  I heard Dr. Phil say that is never ok to hit a woman, but he didn't even touch on the magnitude of these situations and the psychological damage it does to to a woman.  She will never get over those attacks and to even suggest that could occur for the  relationship to be salvaged is absurd.   I used to believe that if a woman got hit, she deserved it, but that was when I was a lot younger and a lot more stupid.  The fact is that her husband is a very abusive man and it doesn't make any difference what she does; that will never change.  The violence is not about her, it's about him.  Clearly Dr. Phil does not understand the dynamics of domestic violence. Please place the focus where it belongs, on the abuser, not the abused.
 
March 14, 2009, 8:52 pm CDT

Yes

Quote From: paolofrisi

I posted a very long message, but perhaps it didn't show up.  I understand verbal and physical abuse.  I understand why women stay.  I stayed for THIRTY-SIX years (now divorced).

Verbal abuse is an insidious "epidemic" in our society and around the word.

It took me 25 years to find the book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans...one Ph.D. called it: "The Cornerstone of Civilization."  I concur.  Education is the key.

1 in 3 women are being abused; staggering statistics.  I would like to be a voice for the millions of women in abusive situations.  I do understand.  I believe we are all here to make a difference, and I have done 10 years of research on the subject, and am the moderator of an abused survivors group.

Most women are afraid to tell anyone, because usually if they do they are re-abused by people's ignorance (who make no effort to understand)...Even therapists, unless they have been specfically trained will miss what is going on (abusers are charming, master manipulators who can fool the best of them): Mr. Nice Guy to the outside world.

"When you blame me, you shame me and keep me silent."  This is what happens.

I am so passionate about this subject, and have been writing to the media for over 10 years.  Dr. Phil has experts on his program frequently.  I consider MYSELF to be an expert on the subject.

I lived it for 42 years in all (childhood also, which set me up to be abused)......I "married" my mother (original abuser) and tried to fix the past....

I grew up in extreme poverty (no phone, car, refrigerator, bathtub), with an emotional/physical violent mother.  I never knew my father (met him when I was 33).....molested by a drunken neighbor while asleep, had my hand held over an open fire by another drunken neighbor.  I joined the army right out of high school...from a little town in Maine to San Francisco, at the height of the Vietnam war......innocent as a 5 year old.

I invite anyone who reads this message to feel free to contact me (wacalice@aol.com)....I'd like to help.

I am proof that anyone can get out of abuse, with support, information and help from others.  It took one sentence to get me out:  "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself......win."

It was an excruciating journey and decision to get a divorce (abandoment issues).....but i did.

I've written my memoir:  Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice), and have amazing endorsements:

Elie Wiesel, Nikki Giovanni, Dr. Larry Dossey, Clint van Zandt, Alice Miller, Patricia Evans, etc....14 in all....

www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com...what happened to me when i got a divorce.  My church of 31 years voted me out of membership, with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words: "Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God."   Called to a meeting of deacons  (not allowed to have a woman with me, and asked: "Are you still having sex with your ex?"

So, now I am an "expert" in spiritual abuse.  I fought the system for 18 months to try and stop the pastor 9of disaster) from "counseling" any more women, because 2 of them wanted to commit suicide.  I have oveer 15,600 hits so far.

I went back to school last year at age 61 and won a women's scholarship... it was easy; all I had to do was write about my life...I was 1 of 10 receipients out of 1,600 applicants in the U.S. and Canada.

I wish Dr. Phil could read what I have written......abuse is a "shredding of the souls" and no one except those who have experienced it can understand (unless they get educated)....most women never tell.....why"

"When you blame me, you shame me, and keep me silent."

I lived with abuse for almost a whole lifetime (62 years).  I wish Dr. Phil would have me on the show...

I'd like to be that voice for abused women and make a difference.

E-mail: wacalice@aol.com (I would like to help)

Kindest Regards and Love,

Alice (overcomer and wounded-healer)




You said it well.  Bravo
 
March 14, 2009, 9:45 pm CDT

She is me

I know exactly how she feels.  My ex used me.  He was not physically abusive but he was mentally and emotionally abusive.   I did kick him out my head knows he needs to be gone.  My heart wants him back so badly.  I feel guilty because he of my son who has to beg for attention from him.  My daughter does not know what a real relationship is supposed to be like.  It is all my fault.  I give in to him all the time.  I know he has a girlfriend and he has had for years.  I still give in to him.  I feel a little bit of happiness knowing that he is cheating on her.  I feel as though I am getting back at her.  She knew he was married and she still persued him.  The only thing is that every time I give in it hurts me not her because she believes every word he says to her so she has no idea that he has cheated on her.  I feel so stupid sometimes but I always seem to give in.  So I know exactly how she feels. 
 
March 15, 2009, 6:03 am CDT

I ABSOLUTELY AGREE

Quote From: renophil

I want to say up front that I do not condone abuse of any kind. That having been said...

One of the unfortunate side effects of a high profile abuse case like on todays show, is a jump in women filing fake abuse reports.

With a high profile case comes more "education" campaigns on abusive relationships. And while this does help some, other women see the chance to file false reports against their partners. This is done to help in a divorce case, to gain favor in child custody cases and other dumb reasons.

So watch out, the cases of false abuse claims are going to spike in 2009!

Being a survior of 6 years of extreme domestic violence and in additiion, raped at the ages of 13 and 24, my motto has alwasys been:

 

 

                                        MEN and/or WOMEN WHO KNOWINGLY ACCUSE an INNOCENT MAN or WOMAN                                                                           of A VIOLENT ACT

                                                     DEGRADES EVERYONE OF US WHO HAVE BEEN.

 

Boy, you just touched a nerve.

 
March 16, 2009, 11:00 am CDT

Disagree!!

Although I wholeheartedly condone the show on domestic violence, I have to disagree with the message.  I absolutely do NOT agree with Dr. Phil saying that those that are abused have a damaged personal truth.  Also when Dr. Phil said that we generate the results we think we deserve is completely incorrect.  As a survivor of domestic violence, I have been astonished by the many misconceptions still running rampant.  Unfortunately all too often, an abuse victim hears that it is always their fault.  Dr. Phil's message on the show concurs this.  I would love to see him address the fact that many abusers have sociopathic tendencies.  How in the world is a victim supposed to handle someone of this nature? 

 

The show just confirmed my reasoning for writing about domestic violence.  I have already written a book, Bound by Hatred, about being in an abusive relationship but I felt even more compelled to write about the aftermath.  Leaving is not an end all and reform is crucial.  Unfortunately, there are often children involved and this causes serious problems in a victim being able to move on.  The children are often used as a power play by the abuser.  Therefore I am currently writing a sequel to address this very issue.  When will there ever be a show specifically addressing abusers and why they do what they do?? 

 

I do applaud the attention Dr. Phil has given to domestic violence but I would like to see the appropriate message communicated.  Thank you.

 
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