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Topic : 03/20 Abusive Love

Number of Replies: 55
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Created on : Friday, March 13, 2009, 02:59:40 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re young, they’re famous, and now they’re shining a light on a dark subject. From the moment singer Chris Brown allegedly beat his girlfriend Rihanna on the eve of the Grammy Awards, America has been shocked and polarized by the story. How could Chris do that? And how could Rihanna even think about going back to him after what appeared to be such a brutal beating? With the help of best-selling author Bishop T.D. Jakes, Dr. Phil offers up some straight talk about domestic violence. Learn what to look for and how to stop it. First, the relationship between Megan and Kurt has been on-and-off-again for eight years, but the anger and violence has been consistently on. Megan says Kurt has beaten her, choked her, thrown her against walls, and as if that weren’t enough, Megan’s little boy is stuck in the middle, and he plays a big role in whether the couple will stay together. This relationship is at a new breaking point, and though Kurt says he wants to save it, Megan says it may be too late. Find out which direction Dr. Phil thinks they should go. Then, meet a young woman who says she put up with abuse for years and years, until a knife to the throat made her say, "Enough is enough." You won’t want to miss these stories, plus important information that just may save your life! Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 20, 2009, 2:51 pm CDT

abusive love

i was eighteen when i was with my first boyfriend. he was i think 21 or 23. we were only together for about 6 months when he started controlling me. i could not talk 2 anyone when he was @ work or look @ anyone when i was with him. i could not wear make-up or straighten out my hair.  we were together for about 2 or 3 months longer when i came out pregnant with his baby. i was i think 3 months along when the last time he abused me. i thought i was going to lose my baby because he dragged me down cement stairs. after  i thought i was going to lose my baby @ the hospital i told myself that i did not want this for me or my baby. i don't know whether he lives here in the same town or not but i am not with him anymore and it has been almost 15 yrs. cuz my daughter will be 15 in november. but she has no idea what her so-called dad did 2 me. i know someone who is in an abusive relationship but she is still w/her boyfriend but i think she won't leave cuz she has a son from him. i try to tell her that this is not a good relationship but she does not listen to me after everything i went through.
 
March 20, 2009, 3:01 pm CDT

Verbal / Emotional Abuse

I was in a verbal and emotionally abusive relationship for over 8 years without realizing that what was going on was abuse.  I too learned how to try to avoid difficult subjects or situations so as to not set him off.  Constantly felt like I was walking on egg shells.  He was very jealous and had an excuse for everything.  He was such a quick thinker and talker that I just stopped talking as I could never get my point across, could never be heard or be right as he just talked me in circles and it always ended up with him being mad at me for something or it being my fault.  I was called horrible things, even in front of our daughter.  My 3 yr old came up to me and said, “daddy called you a c*nt”…yeah, really nice.  He told me that he wanted to burn me alive, hoped I would be killed violently, hoped I burnt in hell, the list goes on.

I first heard the word, “abuse”, directed towards my relationship about 5 years into the relationship.  I thought the word was absolutely out of line and was very upset about it.  We had a daughter after 4 yrs together, got married after 6 yrs together and it just seemed to get worse and worse.  When I seen the book, “BUT he never hit me”, referenced on the show it totally hit home…I had said those words many times.  After the wedding his behavior just became worse and worse until I could not stand by him and his actions anymore as they were compromising who I am.  I then decided that I do not deserve to be treated like this, this love is not healthy and I did not want this marriage to be what my daughter thinks is acceptable or normal in any way!  What hurts the most is thinking that my daughter could eventually seek out this kind of relationship in her life.  I then made a plan to get out.  I started tucking money away and going over my options.  I confided to my friends of my plan and they were surprised of the severity of the situation as I had always been ashamed and never wanted to admit how bad it really was…I never wanted my friends or family to hate him so I tried to make it seem like things were fine, not the greatest but not as bad as it really was.  It was incredibly hard to leave and really make it official…he tried to control me through guilt, ex. How could I do this to our daughter, how could I do this to him, I’m evil, I love you so much, blah, blah, blah.  I just knew in my heart I was making the right decision.

Once I made the decision to leave I found an email between him and an old friend which had confirmed that they were together at the beginning of our relationship, which I had confronted him with and which he repeatedly denied.  I knew then that I had always been right and that the reason he treated me like a cheater was in fact because he was.  My decision was just further validated. 

Things became a little ugly in the final days but I am now out, with my beautiful daughter, and we are happy.  I feel inner peace inside for the first time in a long time.

Someone told me after I left that I was strong to leave…I believe a lot of women stay because they are broken inside because of the abuse…I wish all women could realize how strong we really are and that personal peace and security is worth it all!  Be strong, get out and be happy!

 

 
March 20, 2009, 3:16 pm CDT

i'm a survivor

my story isn't as bad as some of what everyone has gone through, but it was abusive. my father was my abuser and it has taken me a while to realize that. he was a verbal, emotional, and finacial abuser. he pracitacally made sure i had nothing to leave with. the only reason i got out was cause he drank and drugged himself to death. we just passed his one year anniversary and honestly i'm glad he's gone cause if he wasn't i'd still be there. i physically injured myself one afternoon just to make him see that he was upsetting me, it didn't work all i got out of it was a badly bruised hand and two visits to the local er. the weeks he was in the hospital were the most peaceful. the abuse started when i was a teenager. when he got drunk and i was working on a project for school one night. he wanted me to make brownies or a cake or something. i couldn't right then cause of the project. he threw the box at me. he was arrested about 2 hours later when a neighbor heard the fighting. a few years later he got arrested for drug dealing. i was woken up to a gun to my head by the local police department cause they thought i was involved i was 16. and i didn't talk to him from dec-august. he hurt me so much in the final years and months of his life. i'm still trying to recover financilly. emotionally i'm doing okay. physically i'm good. thanks for letting me share.

 

em

 
March 20, 2009, 3:34 pm CDT

ALL ABUSE IS WRONG

I have not been in an abusive relationship, thank GOD. I had three friends to die from domestic violence relationships. All had children, now their parents are raising their children because they could not make her self leave for any reason. If you can't make yourself leave for you do it for the kids. All three were gunned down by their children father. My first friend had three children the last one was the killer and they were home with them. The second one to go had five children the last one was the killer and the third friend had six all of them were his except the oldest child. I also had a cousin gunned down by her children father. She had six the last two his. I would like to take time to tell anyone reading this message don't judge the victim allow to confide in you. Also if you judge them they may not confide in you and may lead them to stay with the abuser. Domestic violence is on the rise, please try to come together and encourage women and men that it is not alright to let some demean you, physically, mentally, or sexually. ABUSE IS ABUSE, IS ABUSE, IS ABUSE......ALL ABUSE IS WRONG Take it one day at a time, trust GOD, and pray on the regular because if he bring you to it, he will bring you through it. Thank you

 
March 20, 2009, 3:42 pm CDT

Men are always the abusers in relationships

I am tired of always hearing about men are the abusers in relationships. Men are tough. Women are fragile. Yeah right. What about women. Whether physical, emotional or verbal, women can be brutal. Not all women are abusive, but it is there. I think men are less likely to admit being abused in a relationship. I do not condone any abuse, especially physical, but when are women going to get the same attention as men when it comes to abuse in relationships? Guaranteed when it comes to his word verses her word, the police, the courts, and whoever else, will side with the her. Mens are almost guilty until proven innocent while women are assumed innocent.
 
March 20, 2009, 4:08 pm CDT

Abuse goes both ways.

Hello,

 

I was watching your show today on abusive relationships, and yes by statistics the number of women abuse vs. the number of men abused is a huge difference, I want to bring some light on the abuse of men. When I see shows like this touching on a very disturbing topic and only covering the one gender, I tend to become worried for the simple fact that I myself know of a few women who are the abusers and the men have been the victims. I don’t understand why we only shed light on women as victims and yet there is no light on the men that get abused. The women I know of that are the abusers do such things to their men such as, calling them names, throwing things at them, kicking them out of their house on a regular basis, or throwing their stuff out of the house, smacking, punching, and kicking and these men sit there and take it. The men I know will simply try and get up and walk away, and yet these few women, will follow them until they make their point on whatever their angry about clear.


I think abuse goes both ways, and I think a man can be just as much of a victim as a woman and I just wish someone would shed some light on this sad topic for both genders. Thank you for hearing my comment.

 

 
March 20, 2009, 4:11 pm CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

I was sorely disappointed that Dr. Phil's advice to someone who is acutely aware that they are in danger should "have a suitcase packed" and "put a flowerpot in the window" as measures to avoid being battered. If anyone is living in a situation in which they think they should enact any of those measures, what they should do, IMMEDIATELY, is get out.

You missed the boat on this one

You never know when you won't get another opportunity to leave intact.
 
March 20, 2009, 5:22 pm CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Quote From: jarmd1

I was sorely disappointed that Dr. Phil's advice to someone who is acutely aware that they are in danger should "have a suitcase packed" and "put a flowerpot in the window" as measures to avoid being battered. If anyone is living in a situation in which they think they should enact any of those measures, what they should do, IMMEDIATELY, is get out.

You missed the boat on this one

You never know when you won't get another opportunity to leave intact.
I agree with you!  I come from being abused and I could not image myself placing a freaking flower pot in the window....when should I have done this Dr. Phil, when I'm laying on the floor curled up in a freakin ball trying not to get hit in the face or kicked in the stomach!  My abuser would have taken the flower pot and broke it over my head and the suit case thing.  If my abuser ever found a suit case packed he would have beaten me and placed me in it.  And if I ever called the cops on him he would have killed me before they got there.  Or finished the job when he got out!!!!
 
March 20, 2009, 5:46 pm CDT

Negative??

Quote From: hope25

I agree with you!  I come from being abused and I could not image myself placing a freaking flower pot in the window....when should I have done this Dr. Phil, when I'm laying on the floor curled up in a freakin ball trying not to get hit in the face or kicked in the stomach!  My abuser would have taken the flower pot and broke it over my head and the suit case thing.  If my abuser ever found a suit case packed he would have beaten me and placed me in it.  And if I ever called the cops on him he would have killed me before they got there.  Or finished the job when he got out!!!!
 I think he was merely suggesting ways to get help. Some women are truley trapped in an abusive relationship and he's just trying to tell them there are ways to get help. My friend used her porch light as a signal with a neighbor and it worked her neighbor called the police and she is now free of that lowlife. Try to keep an open mind and think of otherways to help women  and u could not be so negative. And as for your situation if your agreeing with the comment about leave immediately  why didnt you? Negativity goes both ways.Dr.phil is trying to help people in abusive relationship and all of you are picking the show apart and talking about equality and womens right and blah blah blah. Come on the issue is domestic violence!!!! It has nothing to do with feminism so all of you looking so down on the show today, get off you asses and do something to help someone in this situation instead of complaing about what was said on this show!!!!!!!!
 
March 20, 2009, 5:54 pm CDT

Abusive Relationships

Hello,

 

   I was watching the show this morning & I'm praying for both Rhianna & Chris because they are young & believe this is love but it isn't. I'm a survior of domestic violence I went through it for 4 1/2 yrs & it was very hard getting away because the abuser always tell you can't get away because he will find you & if not you someone you love the most. It is always your kids or someone much closer that they will threaten to kill if you leave. I know my abuser always told me he would kill me or my family if I left him & I truly believed him. I did leave several times but he always got to me so I would take him back because of fear of what he would do to me or my love ones especially my children I have 3 sons & I didn't want to lose them because of me being foolish I would have never been able to handle that. I finally left him after him threatening to kill my granddaughter I said if I couldn't for myself & my children I would do it to protect her so I left but unfortunately my granddaughter passed away because of  a heart condition she was only 3mos old. I blame myself thinking if I would have not been going through the abusive relationship I would have been paying closer attention to my first grandchilds condition but instead I was getting my head knocked all around. This man was crazy he would beat on me for  no reason at all if I went to church & someone gave me a friendly hug he would trip out thinking I was sleeping with them he didn't even trust me at work he would come to my job unexpected & abuse me. I Thank God for removing me from that relationship & I'm out talking to women & men about abusive relationships it's unhealthy & not safe some one will eventually end of being hurt real bad or dead so if your being abused mentally, physically, emotionally it's still abuse get out of the relationship it's not worth it think of you & other innocent people that can get hurt.

 

God Bless

 
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