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Topic : 03/20 Abusive Love

Number of Replies: 55
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Created on : Friday, March 13, 2009, 02:59:40 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re young, they’re famous, and now they’re shining a light on a dark subject. From the moment singer Chris Brown allegedly beat his girlfriend Rihanna on the eve of the Grammy Awards, America has been shocked and polarized by the story. How could Chris do that? And how could Rihanna even think about going back to him after what appeared to be such a brutal beating? With the help of best-selling author Bishop T.D. Jakes, Dr. Phil offers up some straight talk about domestic violence. Learn what to look for and how to stop it. First, the relationship between Megan and Kurt has been on-and-off-again for eight years, but the anger and violence has been consistently on. Megan says Kurt has beaten her, choked her, thrown her against walls, and as if that weren’t enough, Megan’s little boy is stuck in the middle, and he plays a big role in whether the couple will stay together. This relationship is at a new breaking point, and though Kurt says he wants to save it, Megan says it may be too late. Find out which direction Dr. Phil thinks they should go. Then, meet a young woman who says she put up with abuse for years and years, until a knife to the throat made her say, "Enough is enough." You won’t want to miss these stories, plus important information that just may save your life! Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 20, 2009, 6:03 pm CDT

Abusive Isn't Love

Dr Phil

Watching the show, I very much resented that worm of a boyfriend being called a man. In my book men don't beat on women, either physically or mentally. That is the way I was reared and the way my sons were reared as well. The so called love that is accompanied by abuse isn't love. it is a kind of power that is often used by so called men who either treat their partners as possessions, are unable to handle alcohol. or feel abused by what they see as stronger persons. They take things out on those who they can control.

 

During a career as a police officer I have dealt with many of these situations and never hesitated to enforce the law. There should be zero tolerance for these so called men

 
March 20, 2009, 7:26 pm CDT

OMG!!

This is outrageous!!!  That woman did not cause him to hit her or to be the way that he is however, SHE CHOSE HIM OVER HER SON AND THAT IS HER FAULT!!!!  I was pissed when I watched the show and heard/watched her sit there and never show the emotions that a real mother would show after losing her son...this is RIDICULOUS!!!!!
 
March 20, 2009, 7:34 pm CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Quote From: jjc2005

Hello,

 

I was watching your show today on abusive relationships, and yes by statistics the number of women abuse vs. the number of men abused is a huge difference, I want to bring some light on the abuse of men. When I see shows like this touching on a very disturbing topic and only covering the one gender, I tend to become worried for the simple fact that I myself know of a few women who are the abusers and the men have been the victims. I dont understand why we only shed light on women as victims and yet there is no light on the men that get abused. The women I know of that are the abusers do such things to their men such as, calling them names, throwing things at them, kicking them out of their house on a regular basis, or throwing their stuff out of the house, smacking, punching, and kicking and these men sit there and take it. The men I know will simply try and get up and walk away, and yet these few women, will follow them until they make their point on whatever their angry about clear.


I think abuse goes both ways, and I think a man can be just as much of a victim as a woman and I just wish someone would shed some light on this sad topic for both genders. Thank you for hearing my comment.

 

"I think abuse goes both ways, and I think a man can be just as much of a victim as a woman ."

I have never seen a man get beaten (by a woman's hand) the way Rihanna did.  There is no way that you are going to convince me that a man is just as much as a victim as a woman in severe cases such as the Rihanna/Chris Brown case. Men are much much stronger physically and one blow to a woman's body or face can do damage that pales in comparison to a woman throwing dishes.

Come on please, this is a pathetic argument. The scenarios you are describing pale in comparison. Your friends need to "man-up" and explain some things to their "abusers" or refuse to tolerate their behaviors.
 
March 20, 2009, 7:42 pm CDT

Love does not have to hurt

As I watched the Dr. Phil show on Friday, I began to get more angry at the issue.  My sister was murdered at the age of 24 by her astranged husband. He beat her with a stick with a brass mouse on the end and caused blunt head trauma.  He also choked her and broke a sliding glass door.  This all happened as their 5 year old son, 4 year daughter, and a 9 year old neighbor's son watched the entire event.  Before this happened, we did not know that he was abusive before--- and they lived in the house with my mother and myself! No one should ever have to be beat or degraded by someone that is supposed to love them. I know that women feel that there is no way out, but it is hard to have to raise 2 young kids without their mother or father.  The father served 12 years in prison for the murder that he committed.  We,( my mother, nephew, niece, and myself) were sentenced to a lifetime without our loved one.  My niece is now 19 and a recovering bulemic.  My nephew is 20 and okay at this time.  Abusive relationships do not only effect the abuser and abusee but the rest of the family.   I just want to let anyone that is being abused know that there is a way out alive and not dead in a casket.  Being in love does not mean that you have to be physically, emotionally, or sexually abused.   

 
March 20, 2009, 8:03 pm CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Quote From: suznalix

I was in a verbal and emotionally abusive relationship for over 8 years without realizing that what was going on was abuse.  I too learned how to try to avoid difficult subjects or situations so as to not set him off.  Constantly felt like I was walking on egg shells.  He was very jealous and had an excuse for everything.  He was such a quick thinker and talker that I just stopped talking as I could never get my point across, could never be heard or be right as he just talked me in circles and it always ended up with him being mad at me for something or it being my fault.  I was called horrible things, even in front of our daughter.  My 3 yr old came up to me and said, daddy called you a c*ntyeah, really nice.  He told me that he wanted to burn me alive, hoped I would be killed violently, hoped I burnt in hell, the list goes on.

I first heard the word, abuse, directed towards my relationship about 5 years into the relationship.  I thought the word was absolutely out of line and was very upset about it.  We had a daughter after 4 yrs together, got married after 6 yrs together and it just seemed to get worse and worse.  When I seen the book, BUT he never hit me, referenced on the show it totally hit homeI had said those words many times.  After the wedding his behavior just became worse and worse until I could not stand by him and his actions anymore as they were compromising who I am.  I then decided that I do not deserve to be treated like this, this love is not healthy and I did not want this marriage to be what my daughter thinks is acceptable or normal in any way!  What hurts the most is thinking that my daughter could eventually seek out this kind of relationship in her life.  I then made a plan to get out.  I started tucking money away and going over my options.  I confided to my friends of my plan and they were surprised of the severity of the situation as I had always been ashamed and never wanted to admit how bad it really wasI never wanted my friends or family to hate him so I tried to make it seem like things were fine, not the greatest but not as bad as it really was.  It was incredibly hard to leave and really make it officialhe tried to control me through guilt, ex. How could I do this to our daughter, how could I do this to him, Im evil, I love you so much, blah, blah, blah.  I just knew in my heart I was making the right decision.

Once I made the decision to leave I found an email between him and an old friend which had confirmed that they were together at the beginning of our relationship, which I had confronted him with and which he repeatedly denied.  I knew then that I had always been right and that the reason he treated me like a cheater was in fact because he was.  My decision was just further validated. 

Things became a little ugly in the final days but I am now out, with my beautiful daughter, and we are happy.  I feel inner peace inside for the first time in a long time.

Someone told me after I left that I was strong to leaveI believe a lot of women stay because they are broken inside because of the abuseI wish all women could realize how strong we really are and that personal peace and security is worth it all!  Be strong, get out and be happy!

 

Borderline Personality Disorder!!
 
March 20, 2009, 10:24 pm CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Dr. Phil,

 

I viewed your show on domestic violence.  This girl needs to stay away from him.  My ex-wife was in a marriage with someone that was insecure like this man.  Her husband murdered her.  This happened two weeks ago in Hercules California.  Because of this everyone suffers.  He is in jail now awaiting trial.  Our 21 year old son and I along with her family all have been in shock from this senseless and violent crime.  We miss her and we hope that this does not just get ignored the way it has been in the media.  Its a shame if your name is not Chris Brown that your don't hear about things like this not even in your own town.  

 
March 20, 2009, 11:16 pm CDT

dont give up until you tried and cand try no more

    I am married to this man 26 years old im only 23 me and him have had abusive pasts. we both have had abusive relatonships. We are both stuborn our relationship consistes of  verbal abuse between each other rather he starts it first or i do. n all reality he started verbally abusing me and physically abusing me first. accusations of being unfaithful. he had drug and alchol problems i set limits to his addictions, he wanted to be with me he had to refrain from drugs, alchol worthless freinds. he couldnt keep his word and falsey made me think he wasnt doing drugs and all the things i ask him to do. i had to deal with him being around me under the influenc around me and my kids. i soon started to put up ma firewall scared shutting down on him. constanly fighting accusing him of drugs and alchol. now he wants to get me to believe him but i cant , i wish i could believe him trust him wen he in the streets. been married for 9 mths now since his release from jail he accusing me of cheating im tired of giving him the security n he not taking ma word i dont cheat. he scared to be alone he knows he caused me alot of pain so he afraid i find someone else. the only reason why i stay by his side becasue im aware of why he is the way he is, he aware of why im so defensive overprotective scared we know each other faults n agree to work things out. should never point fingers never is it no matter wat the situation or problem is anybody fault there is no such thing as his fault her fault. there people who infuelnce wat we do its our choice wat to do with our own problems how to act handle it. always good to be open with each other know ur limits, communication is the best thing anybody can to understand a problem, analizing using ur pchychology. it takes two to make the relationship work and some effort and more effort in time. If one has the heart to stick around and risk the relationship the other should do the same .all one has to is try and try and keep trying. so wen is time for no more and the relationsship ends., one can say one tried and there is not hard feeling s between each other. even though wat i just said is hard to take ma own advice at times at least im aware of ma faults.
 
March 21, 2009, 2:13 am CDT

Where's the help?

Has anyone beside me noticed the same old ratings driven "Get out" "Leave em" Song and dance? This is not a new show with new information. We've all seen it dozens of times before.

 

Quite frankly I'd like to know where the guys are supposed to turn for help. They provide plenty of outs for battered women and none for battered men. This show replayed the same old women as the victim.

 

Yet they offer nothing to cure the problem. Where are these abusive men and women going to go when these women and men leave them? The answer is pretty obvious. New victims.

 

Seems to me we need to work on a cure instead of sweeping things under the rug, destroying families and childrens lives. The easy answer to everything these days is leave em and get a divorce. That cures nothing. It only moves the problem. Why dont we spend any effort on getting these people who are abusing help? Any counselor will tell you that would be the best for any children involved to have two loving parents in a safe and loving home.

 

While I do believe there are always cases where that is the only option, there are many more where men and women actually want help and there is none to be had. Especially if you have a job.

 

Two years ago my ex filed for divorce. Yes we had an abusive relationship. It was the day following a fight.

Luckily for me both male and a female police officers responded. We were botth cited. Again due only to the female officer recognizing my ex as an abuser.

 

It doesnt end there. We both went to court on the same day and even though we were both cited and the evidence was equal, I was ordered to take a 6 month long domestic violence class. She paid her fine and walked away.

 

In the class it was the same story over and over and over. The guy always got the blame while some obviously violent women were basically told its ok for you. Society has bred this mentality and is doing nothing to help. Women want equal rights when it is convenient and special rights when equality doesnt work in there favor.

 

I do not condone violence in any way. What I would like to see is help made available to those who need and want it. Now that would be a groundbreaking show. Besides lining your wallets you might actually help someone. Maybe even save a marriage, a family, or even a life.

 

 

 
March 21, 2009, 2:27 am CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Quote From: bobtay

Dr Phil

Watching the show, I very much resented that worm of a boyfriend being called a man. In my book men don't beat on women, either physically or mentally. That is the way I was reared and the way my sons were reared as well. The so called love that is accompanied by abuse isn't love. it is a kind of power that is often used by so called men who either treat their partners as possessions, are unable to handle alcohol. or feel abused by what they see as stronger persons. They take things out on those who they can control.

 

During a career as a police officer I have dealt with many of these situations and never hesitated to enforce the law. There should be zero tolerance for these so called men

What about the so called women?

 

I assume you would have zero tolerance for them as well. Or are you the type who automatically arrests the male?

 

Ignoring the facts only gives these women license to continue being abusive because their "man" is the one who will go to jail.

 

If so you are part of the problem.

 
March 21, 2009, 7:26 am CDT

Abusive

I was in abusive marriage for 5 years. Two son from that marriage. Remarried to a wonderful loving man. had two more sons. husband adoptive first two. The first two were loved and treated like the last two. never saw any abuse at all. only love. The first two grew up so much like there birth dad. One was and maybe still is abusive to his wife. So what I am saying is some of it is born into them. How can we change the DNA. of these people .
 
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