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Topic : 03/20 Abusive Love

Number of Replies: 55
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, March 13, 2009, 02:59:40 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
They’re young, they’re famous, and now they’re shining a light on a dark subject. From the moment singer Chris Brown allegedly beat his girlfriend Rihanna on the eve of the Grammy Awards, America has been shocked and polarized by the story. How could Chris do that? And how could Rihanna even think about going back to him after what appeared to be such a brutal beating? With the help of best-selling author Bishop T.D. Jakes, Dr. Phil offers up some straight talk about domestic violence. Learn what to look for and how to stop it. First, the relationship between Megan and Kurt has been on-and-off-again for eight years, but the anger and violence has been consistently on. Megan says Kurt has beaten her, choked her, thrown her against walls, and as if that weren’t enough, Megan’s little boy is stuck in the middle, and he plays a big role in whether the couple will stay together. This relationship is at a new breaking point, and though Kurt says he wants to save it, Megan says it may be too late. Find out which direction Dr. Phil thinks they should go. Then, meet a young woman who says she put up with abuse for years and years, until a knife to the throat made her say, "Enough is enough." You won’t want to miss these stories, plus important information that just may save your life! Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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March 21, 2009, 8:21 am CDT

It all Makes Sense Now

Dr Phil,

I watched your show last night about physical abuse.  I recently walked away from a 10 year mentally (not physically) abusive relationship and even though the discussion in your show was primarily about physical abuse, I was amazed to learn how much of the behavioural tendancies related to physical abuse are identical to mental abuse situations.  Control, blame, isolation, behaviour modification, low self esteem, the 3 stages of the cycle, even the length of the cycle (you mentioned about 6 months). It was a great comfort to find out that these terms are defined and it explained a lot to me about his behaviour and confirmed my behaviour and how I feel now. It is now just over 4 months since our break up and I have been getting therapy but none of it made sense to me in the way that your show just did.  I am currently going through the process of finding myself again after all the behaviour modification I was forced to make over the past 10 years.

I think the hardest thing is to identify that you are in a abusive relationship being that there is  no physical violence is present.  I wish I had seen this show 5 years ago. 

My biggest concern is, if only a small percentage of physical abuse is known, then how many women are suffering mental abuse?  Which leads me to an even more scary thought, how big of a percentage of men have these abusive traits in their personality. 

I ordered the book "But He Never Hit Me", in the hope that I will find more answers to help me get past this terrible experience and be able to have another relationship in the future.

 
March 21, 2009, 9:34 am CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Quote From: scooterboy

What about the so called women?

 

I assume you would have zero tolerance for them as well. Or are you the type who automatically arrests the male?

 

Ignoring the facts only gives these women license to continue being abusive because their "man" is the one who will go to jail.

 

If so you are part of the problem.

 Whoever turns a blind eye, or deaf ear, to abuse perpetrated by women is part of the problem, be they Dr Phil, the police, social workers, or anyone else.
 
March 21, 2009, 9:40 am CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Quote From: bwayne23

Dr. Phil,

 

I viewed your show on domestic violence.  This girl needs to stay away from him.  My ex-wife was in a marriage with someone that was insecure like this man.  Her husband murdered her.  This happened two weeks ago in Hercules California.  Because of this everyone suffers.  He is in jail now awaiting trial.  Our 21 year old son and I along with her family all have been in shock from this senseless and violent crime.  We miss her and we hope that this does not just get ignored the way it has been in the media.  Its a shame if your name is not Chris Brown that your don't hear about things like this not even in your own town.  

Did your wife leave you for this man? Was it a case of "greener" grass on the other side? Too many people don't realize they're already standing in the "greenest" grass and throw it all away on a passing whim.
 
March 21, 2009, 10:06 am CDT

abusive relationship

 I am new to this, but I was and still kind of am in an abusive relationship. I have tried and tried to walk away but he keeps sweet talking me and I go back. I know its wrong but I think I feel sorry for him somehow, and I know there is still a deep enduring love there,  Is it possible for men to change if the proper counseling and medication is involved or is it a lost cause, and I should just walk awyay forever, thanks who ever responds
 
March 21, 2009, 10:33 am CDT

Really sick of these women who think they can do whatever they want

I don't believe in violence and I don't believe anyone has the right to hit anyone else man or woman. The problem is some woman are brought up to think they can hit a man throw a drink in his face and he should walk away. I believe in a eye for an eye you hit me I will hit you. Now my wife had a problem with hitting me, I've never hit her but I did grab her and shake her. If I did something like touch you in a inappropriate manner and I don't know you I should be slapped. If I said something inappropriate put me in my place just don't put your hands on me. I'm so sick and tired of these women who think they can hit men and we should walk away. Keep your hands to yourself.
 
March 21, 2009, 10:53 am CDT

Leave

Please don't come on here with sob stories of how you were in a abusive relationship for years and look for sympathy. I have no remorse for women who hit men and get hit back. I have no remorse for women who verbally abusive their spouse and get it back. Now women who don't provoke the men and they get verbally abused or beaten get out and leave or you can't complain. Move in with friends or family their are women shelters that will help you anything is better than letting some psycho go up besides your head. My wife told me she use to be in a abusive relationship. She treated me very good while we were dating because she loved chasing after me. We got married and I stopped running around and I pulled 60 hour work weekends. She just started arguing with me all the time and hitting me. She even got mad when I wouldn't reply and when I finally did yell at her she cried and went to family and friends and told them how horrible I was. This went on for years before they told her to leave me and she said she loved me. After a while they saw she wasn't being mistreated she was just a drama queen. She has burned a lot of bridges and she has calmed down a lot. Women please stop playing the victim and if you are a victim get out. I would rather live on welfare than live in fear of being beat every night for something I didn't do.
 
March 21, 2009, 10:56 am CDT

ABUSE COMES IN MANY FORMS

Quote From: nstalnaker

Dr Phil,

I watched your show last night about physical abuse.  I recently walked away from a 10 year mentally (not physically) abusive relationship and even though the discussion in your show was primarily about physical abuse, I was amazed to learn how much of the behavioural tendancies related to physical abuse are identical to mental abuse situations.  Control, blame, isolation, behaviour modification, low self esteem, the 3 stages of the cycle, even the length of the cycle (you mentioned about 6 months). It was a great comfort to find out that these terms are defined and it explained a lot to me about his behaviour and confirmed my behaviour and how I feel now. It is now just over 4 months since our break up and I have been getting therapy but none of it made sense to me in the way that your show just did.  I am currently going through the process of finding myself again after all the behaviour modification I was forced to make over the past 10 years.

I think the hardest thing is to identify that you are in a abusive relationship being that there is  no physical violence is present.  I wish I had seen this show 5 years ago. 

My biggest concern is, if only a small percentage of physical abuse is known, then how many women are suffering mental abuse?  Which leads me to an even more scary thought, how big of a percentage of men have these abusive traits in their personality. 

I ordered the book "But He Never Hit Me", in the hope that I will find more answers to help me get past this terrible experience and be able to have another relationship in the future.

I agree completely.  I love my husband and I know he loves me (though he thinks he "loves"), but he simply doesn't know how to love effectively for him or our family.  It's the saddest thing ever to know that he loves with everything in him, but it just doesn't work.  I've stayed with him for 9 years mainly because he's a good man at the core,  but his anger has adversely affected his happiness for a lifetime and everyone else he's been involved with.  He WON'T admit he's abusive!!!  Therefore, I think 9 years of trying is enough.  If he won't admit it then I can't expect anything to change.  He's left bruises from choking or grabbing or even kicking, but never "HIT" with fist.  Also, it doesn't happen weekly or monthly to this degree.  What happens regularly is his defensiveness, cursing, namecalling, and yelling.  I just wish the show would mention more about the "occasional" physical abuse.  Just because it doesn't happen every day or every week doesn't mean there isn't a problem.
 
March 21, 2009, 10:57 am CDT

03/20 Abusive Love

Quote From: hope25

I agree with you!  I come from being abused and I could not image myself placing a freaking flower pot in the window....when should I have done this Dr. Phil, when I'm laying on the floor curled up in a freakin ball trying not to get hit in the face or kicked in the stomach!  My abuser would have taken the flower pot and broke it over my head and the suit case thing.  If my abuser ever found a suit case packed he would have beaten me and placed me in it.  And if I ever called the cops on him he would have killed me before they got there.  Or finished the job when he got out!!!!
Now all I need to do is not go back, but for some reason I have a tendancy to believe that he will change.  Chances are I will lose my daughters if I do go back to him but I will not unless he goes through major help and rebuild his relationship with my daughters.  I guess I can anwser that with fat chance.  This is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do.  Please help me figure out how to stay away, but I want my questions anwsered.  Will I ever know why he did thisto me???  I am in a cycle and I need to get out  please help.  I need advise.
 
March 21, 2009, 12:34 pm CDT

Just got out after 3 years

Hello everyone here,

        I just recently was able to watch the show (Go TiVo!) but I have to say that it really hit home for me. I just recently ended a relationship that, now I see clearly, hit every point in the sense of abuse. It was not healthy and it did not end good, however my children and I are doing better and better with each passing day. We have one child together and that makes it even harder b/c I will still have to deal with this "man" for the rest of my life in some way. It's though but I think I'll be ok now.

        I just wanted to say thank you to not only Dr. Phil and Robyn but also to all their staff and the guests on this show for doing the show. It really was a major eye opener for myself and I'm happy I got out while the child he and I share together is still young enough to not remember the things he did see. I hope all abused women and men can get the courage to take charge if their own life and get away from their abuser. It's so hard in the beginning and I catch myself even wanting to talk to them still, but that is another way of continuing the abuse and mindgames. Try to have someone you can talk to. It's even harder not being able to talk about it, I personally don't have anyone to talk to and it's very hard to do this everyday.

 
March 21, 2009, 4:01 pm CDT

LOVE?

Like the song says...what's love got to do with it?

 

There's no love at all in these relationships; neither one knows what constitutes love. Love doesn't hurt; you don't hit someone you're supposed to love....and you darn sure don't give up your child for some abusive piece of crap man! Imagine how, when that child gets old enough to realize what his mother did, how that will make him feel!

 

I'll tell you this: I was in an abusive relationship many years ago when I was just 16. My 17 year old husband was fine until the day we got married and then the beatings began....and they stopped just as fast because I got the hell out!! That's what you do. You DON'T STAY!!!

 

I used to volunteer with abused women and there was nothing so frustrating as dealing with these women who were hell-bent and determined that they could change these ridiculous, violent men and everything would be just peachy if only.....if only...if only...blah, blah blah! I had to quit because it was like banging my head against a stone wall...no one could convince them to get out.

 

One of them was stabbed by her husband on her front lawn in front of her kids! Back she went...she's probably dead by now.

 

It's incredibly selfish of these women to continue to put their children through this torture...my God...they act like these are the only men in the entire world and they'll just curl up and die without them!

 

I will NEVER understand that mindset. NEVER!

 
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