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Topic : 06/26 Frustrated Moms

Number of Replies: 59
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, March 26, 2009, 04:06:44 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/01/09) America is teeming with people who are frustrated by rising unemployment, lack of affordable health care and mounting foreclosures. Dr. Phil talks to children who say they are silently shouldering their parents’ rage. He meets with two sets of siblings -- sisters Kelsey, 12, and Courtney, 13; and sister and brother Skyler, 17, and Shane, 15 -- who say their mother's anger has them walking on eggshells. What do the kids say are their biggest fears? Next, Dr. Phil sits down with Kelsey and Courtney’s mom, Lisa, alone. Lisa says her Jekyll-and-Hyde personality causes her to verbally attack her daughters. Find out what incident caused her to fly into a rage and kick one of her kids out! What’s behind the mom’s fury? Dr. Jim Sears, renowned pediatrician and co-host of the hit show The Doctors weighs in. Then, Skyler and Shane’s mother, Shawnda, says she’s on edge every day and fears that rage is slowly killing her. She says she cusses like a sailor in the home and calls her children horrible names such as bitch and retard. Can Shawnda learn to get her temper under control? Plus, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s eight coping steps for verbally abusive parents. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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April 1, 2009, 2:20 pm CDT

4/01 Angry Moms (mental health issue) PLEASE READ!!!!

This woman needs to get out of her children's life until she gets rid of this rage either through medical intervention oR ?  I cannot tell you how much damage you are instilling in your children......damage that will affect them through-out their entire life; if you think I'm kidding then read this!

I am 54 yrs. old; have a brother & sister 28 yrs. older than me.  When I was born (quite a surprise to everyone since my mom was mid-40's.) my sister immediately sold her home & told my mom she didn't want me to be brought up alone as an only child.  They bought a duplex together & my sister had 2 boys born within 2 yrs.  Thank God my sister had the empathy to know what my life would be like if she hadn't been there. 

My mom was short of a PYSCHO literally out of control screaming (so high pitched loud it could blow ear drums out)  She was always extremely angry w/everyone especially my dad & my brother-in-law (a saint for never leaving)  She abused everyone.  She scared me so much when she would RAGE; had no where to go or even understand why she was sooooo ANGRY.  Needless to say, I developed behaviour problems in school, didn't do well academically but I have a 130 IQ.  I did drugs, alchohol, but had the sense to know where the line was......many kids don't.  I even begged them to get a divorce; my mom was physically abusive to my dad also.  I called the Police 2 times, but in those days (1960's) they believed it was a family matter; besides my Uncle was a cop in our district.  I loved my mom she was really good to me, but she also ruined my ability to trust people by the deep damage she dealt out.  There were times I thought she might kill me; I remember being about 8 yrs. old....so scared that I wet my pants.  The up-front screaming in my face - 2" from my face. her face BEAT RED! Never knowing what or why she was so ANGRY AT ME.  .  She also worked almost 24/7 never wanting to be poor again (depression era damage I'm sure).  I never had any idea WHY or WHAT  her problems were.  My sister never told me directly why we shared a duplex, but my sister told my 15 yr. old daughter one day that she didn't want me left alone w/mom while growing up.  I don't know much about my siblings history w/mom while growing up, but I've heard comments once in a while so I imagine it wasn't the greatest. My brother to this day has always hated my Parents now both deceased.  He has never spoken of the rage, but I know my mom would Whip them when she was mad.  Don't get me wrong my Mom would give anyone the SHIRT OFF HER BACK, but she must have had Mental Health Issues.  She was also using Amphetamines for weight loss (in the 1960's they were legal for weight loss, if prescribed)  She had a bottle the size of  an X-L bottle of cheap vitamins.  She used them because she was always dieting & worked either 2nd or 3rd shift my entire childhood.  HOLIDAYS were always ruined because of her RAGING.........any stress would bring it on. .  She was a clean freak......we completely cleaned our home 2 x per week every Tuesday & Friday.  NO MATTER WHAT!  Floors vacuumed, washed, all furniture pulled out & cleaned behind etc.  I never dated any boys seriously, never wanted to, in fact was scared that I would never find anyone I was interested in.  At 20 I met a nice guy, but the one thing I remembered was I had known him briefly in grade school when his family lived on our block.  The only thing I remembered about him was he was a BULLY!  When I lst met him at age 20, I only new of him from school, church & the one thing I remembered was he was the block BULLY.  We laughed about that!  That should have been my WAKE-UP Call Right Then & Their.  In stead we dated for 3 or 4 yrs., & I married him.  Deep down for some reason, I felt like I was making a mistake, but he was the lst guy I had liked for more than 1 yr.  I remained a Virgin through out all this time.  I had too much respect for my self THANK GOD to not sleep around or w/just any boyfriend.  These were the 60's & FREE LOVE was everywhere.  I didn't fall for that line. Don't get me wrong, I Love Sex....but not by sleeping w/just anyone.  I consider myself so lucky that I didn't do the sex thing considering my Raging Mother's behaviour.  I seem to be smart enough to not feel the need to punish my mother by punishing myself w/out of control sex, drugs and drinking like many kids do today.  I still apparently liked myself.  Anyways, I married this Guy & knew I made a mistake walking down the aisle.  He lost his Mother at age 10 to cancer....my mother adopted him w/his sad story & he wanted a Mother, not a wife.  He turned abusive almost right away.  Pushing, hitting, throwing things & nasty derogatory comments to me.  I left 2 times in the early yrs., but always came back.  I believe my catholic up bringing made me believe I should make this work.  I also made a HUGE mistake & never told my MOM about the Abusive behaviour or anyone else for that matter.  HUGE MISTAKE!.  If I had I would have gotten out 32 yrs. ago.  He is a good provider, but lazy when it comes to getting ahead.  Would sit in front of TV a/s/a coming home from work.  I worked 60 hrs. a week in my career to get ahead; so we could have the nice house, vacations, furniture.  I didn't want kids & couldn't understand why.  At age 32, after 10 yrs. of marriage, I had our daughter.  Right away, my husband started w/the "I have a job" garbage....so wouldn't get up in middle of night at all.  I worked, kept the house, took care of our daughter & planned our life.......he literally wasn't interested.  I always felt bad that his mom died so early & so it was important to me to have family traditions.......but of course.....it all fell on my shoulders.  I have wanted to leave my husband permanently since X-mas 2001 when he tried to kill me by strangulation.  It happened so fast.....I didn't even know he was angry.  I had asked him to shop the day before w/our daughter because I was working & my mom was in Hospice w/Alzheimers.  He had made a soup for dinner that they had sampled at grocery store the day before & bought some because it was so good.  Unfortunately the soup didn't turn out like in the store sample, my daughter made a comment about it & I mentioned that grocery store samples don't always turn out the same at home.  That's when he jumped up from the table; grabbed me by the throat w/2 hands & tried to kill me.  If my daughter hadn't been there to stop him by jumping on his back while screaming......I'd beDEAD. My daughter is graduating in May from the U.S.N. A. as a Marine Officer. I have decide to GET OUT after she is done.  My husband will not take it well, but I need to have 20 yrs. of peace.  THE POINT I AM TRYING TO MAKE HERE is I now believe that I got into this mess because of my mother's behaviour while growing up.  I know she didn't do these things to be a bad mom, but something was wrong w/her & she damaged my Psych to where I made a horrible mistake.  I only stayed w/him until she was grown up......no matter what I believe kids still need a DAD, perfect or not.   If he had been abusing her......I would have left. 

LADIES if you have a temper like my mom's & I believe you do......................GET OUT OF YOUR CHILDREN'S LIFES NOW BY GETTING HELP.  A WARNING;  You have no idea of the damage your doing.  I didn't realize how badly damaged I was until the last 3 yrs. from my mom's problems. 

 
April 1, 2009, 2:24 pm CDT

Thank God you realize!

Quote From: suefromtoronto

I grew up with an angry mom, who combined physical "punishement" with her screaming and shouting.  I remember growing up, hating home and being anywhere around my mother.  I would come home from school and stand at the top of my road, looking at my house wondering where I could go, rather than go home.  I grew up hating and fearing my parents. 

I have to be honest and tell you that I still struggle today ,physically and emotionally, every day, 43 years later, with what they did to us as childern.

I have two girls and I try very hard NOT to repeat what happened to me and I think I've been successful.  What is really sad is that my mom got very ill for quite a while before she died and I really tried hard to care, but just couldn't.  When she died, I hardly shed a tear, and even now, I struggle to find feelings for her...which I know hurt her tremendously in her later years.

Your mom on the programme has THE most amazing girls and quite honestly, I don't think she deserves them! 

Thank god you realize what your mom did.  When you realize it, you make sure you never make the same mistake.

 

With Love to Heal!

 
April 1, 2009, 2:38 pm CDT

Don't want to be an angry mom

I am also an angry mom.  I find myself bottling up any and all feelings inside and then going off on my kids when I feel that they aren't minding me or that they're just aggravating me.  I hate myself when I do this but don't always know how to handle situations.  I have an 11 year old daughter, an 8 year son & a 6 month old daughter.  My greatest fear is that they will emulate what they see here at home once they grow up.  I already see it in them.  They will yell at each other as well as at me.  I sometimes even want to hit them, but am able to refrain myself.  I don't really know how to change it, but I'm trying to start somewhere.  How do you change the things inside of you that make you do this?  I don't even really know why I do it.  I haven't been to a doctor for it, but I wonder if I may have a disorder such as bipolar that makes me this way.  I want to change.   

 
April 1, 2009, 2:59 pm CDT

I feel bad for those kids

I watched this episode, I did not grow up with the best of anything, my parents worked hard, my mom made sure that my sister and I had chores, and homework to do. If one of those was not done then she would yell. Parents who treat their kids the way those mom's do don't deserve them. One mom actually told her kids what are you going to do if you come home and im dead, the other one sells real estate goes home and screams at her kids, I don't blame her son for saying he wants a different mom. these moms don't deserve what they have, I wouldn't blame those kids for not staying in contact with their moms when they are old enough to leave home. I don't feel bad for the one guest who's husband died 11 years ago, I feel bad for the kids he left behind, they never got the chance to know him.
 
April 1, 2009, 3:16 pm CDT

I'm trying...

Well I am one of those moms.  I realized a year and a half ago that I was doing this to my son.  I took a look back and realized that it had nothing to do with him, it was the fact that I felt as though I got a raw deal on life, which was my own fault.   I stopped living life for myself.  I took all my frustrations I felt towards my son's father out on him.  This does not justify it.  I take full blame.  I since have made steps towards being a better person.  Unfortunately, I had to take a step away from my son, he is now living with his father.  I moved to another city for a year, I didn't want to hurt him anylonger and for once in my life I chose to make my life better, I went after my dreams of being a special effects make-up artist, how are we to tell our kids that they need to go after their dreams if we won't.  I do believe he feels as though I left him, but since December (which was a full year) I moved back to my hometown and see him every other weekend.  One thing I have noticed is it is true what you said that we do it to those who can't leave us and will take it.  It is very difficult to stop.  I at times find myself in the same pattern, I swear, state things that are untrue, it ends up being mind over matter.  I got so use to treating him this way that I find it diffucult to stop.  Seeing thoses girls stating that they thought they were bad kids reminded me of what I did to my son.  I use to go into his room and hear him tell himself that he was a bad child.  Atleast I had the courage to let him go to his father's didn't want to continue hurting him...
 
April 1, 2009, 3:32 pm CDT

04/01 Angry Moms

Dr. Phil,

While watching your show on angry mom, I am hear to tell you that I grew up with a BITCH for a mother, she was mean, angry always yelling.  FInely at the age of 52, I have had enough and have cut her completely out of my life, and I can honestly say I am much more relaxed in my life.  Both of my boys also have nothing to do with her.  She was a terrible grandmother and my kids never liked being around her.  What a shame.  SO to the mothers on that show that say my kids can't leave me and have to love me, guess what.  NO THEY DON'T.... some day they will be gone from your life unless you change.  It is to late for me and my mother.  I have no desire to ever see or hear from her again.  There is so much more to this strory, just don't have the time or energy to go into it.

 
April 1, 2009, 3:44 pm CDT

I am a women of similar circumstances as the widow raising 2 kids...but a little different

Not sure how to do this but here goes...i am a widowed mom of two. I have been widowed for almost 9 years. I have two kids a boy 17 and a daughter 12. I am not always angry but more often than I would like.I feel more of what i can't handle comes from being almost menaposual or BIG PMS'er..as well as just not being able to answer all my kids questions and point them in the right direction and delivering sound advice that they take...I am a jellyfish of a parent...(my parents of five were very strick and it was there way or the highway)...children should be seen and not heard...and my deceased husband came from a jellyfish upbringing and wanted to make a difference with his kids) I have a novel to share with my life with my husband and court battles and then once hes gone...so much so I think it weighs way too heavy on me...that I can't even fathom)I have read many of your books but find it really hard to put them into practice everyday. I have had much councilling...ongoing for me...and even had people come into my house to help...I am not good with consistency nor follow thru on everything that comes out of my mouth. I react very quickly in every aspect of my life...job included...if you have any advice on that it would be greatly appreciated. It's easy to say...not so easy to do. I am seriously thinking about downsizing and trying to go part time to give more time to my kids...and I need total help with that...and what does that mean. (those thoughts are coming to me of recent as my job gets more stressful with the bad economy and my kids getting older and needing me more)I have been with the same company for 25 years and they have spent alot of money  trying to give me a better life balance which i thought i was getting a handle on...until the retail world went for a crap.  I do hope that you Dr Phil is going to read my email and respond...is that asking too much?  And to be completely honest...I am highly sexual and an frustrated with that too...I have a friend....who probably isn't the best for me...because of what he tells me but not what he displays towards me...sounds confusing but honest...men and women...dam. I didn't think I was going to have to give up my pleasures because I have to kids to raise...and yes I can get a dildo...but how long do I have to give up my personal needs for my kids as a widowed mom who isn't ready or able to bring a man into my life...and there is lots to question about that too...has to do with my relationship with my deceased husband  who was abusive and controlling...who I have been with since i was 16...and my son looks and acts just like him...if you can shed any light on that it would be greatly appreciated...so far my kind heart is not coming to the forfront...like I would like it too...and I am feeling that my daughter is a sleeper, super strong fighter...and not in the best light a fighter should be...sorry for the bible...but I do hope I hear back from Dr. Phil or his staff with great insight and information...Love you Dr. Phil....but I need more than just words....I need to be able to put it into action and the knowledge of how to do that.  I truly hope you find my story something you haven't heard before or at least something that you want to pay attention too...I am sure you have many...but mine is unique...trust me...I didn't even get into the inlaws...times 2...and what has happened in there life...the mother that gave birth to my husband...has lost both her birth kids and her step daughter and my deceased husband's mother lost her mother at 3 to suicide and then her dad to suicide at 55 I think...what was i thinking marrying into that...as well as family depression and bi-polar ...I am not trying to scare you off...just giving you lots to think about when responding to me...

 

I continue to seek help and guidance from many avenues....but it might really make a difference for me if you...personally Dr Phil could respond

 
April 1, 2009, 4:10 pm CDT

This was ME!!

I was so happy I came across this today. As I was watching the last mom, I saw myself in the mirror. I am married w/ 4 children and was very stressed. I was teaching full time, being a wife and mom, and STRESSED beyond. We would leave every morning around 6:20 and come home around 5 pm. My house work was never done. Laundry was mounting. Homework had to be done, and this had to be done and so and so forth. I was in a circle, chasing. I had a meltdown 2 years ago and ran to my parents for a week. Felt better when I came home, but reality was soon back and yelling and screaming and calling my kids names were back. I knew it was wrong, but felt myself over and over again doing it. As a Christian, I knew I was sinning and teaching my kids the sin I was telling them not to do-- anger. One of my boys was angry and I would get onto him about it and then he would see me and it was just a vicious cycle. The Lord allowed a circumstance into our lives to get our attention. I am so thankful. I was just about at another meltdown. In January, we pulled our children from school, I quit teaching, and am now homeschooling our children. Life has been so much better. We are home, things are done, and I am not stressed. I was telling my husband the other day, how less stressed I was and I could see our famly was coming together more. I am so thankful for the Lord allowing things to happen to bring our family closer together. If things would not have changed, I am not sure where our lives were headed. My children are 16, 14, 11, and 8. I could see tears in their eyes every time I yelled and screamed. After my anger outbursts and calling them names, I would feel horrible. But you cannot go back and take your words back.  As the lady said today, you go and put on a face in your work and then behind the doors a different person comes out.  Thank you Dr. Phil for bringing this to light. Our children need moms who love them. We need to get our priorities straight in America. I believe that is why our children are the way they are. We put our families last and our careers first! We can't "have our cake and eat it, too." I applaud these ladies for coming on national television w/ this. They are to commended for getting help and trying to salvage their families.
 
April 1, 2009, 4:29 pm CDT

what if the mom won't admit she has a problem with Anger

DR. Phil,

 

What if a mom won't admit she has a problem with Anger????????  I am a 37 year old mother now that realized I had to break the cycle.  My siblings aren't so lucky to have done, which are two sisters and a brother that all have children.  We were brought up with Anger and that is all we know.  As I stated I believe I have broken the cycle but they did not, meaning my siblings.  My mother is currently caring for my little sisters 12 year old daughter and direct contact with her other 2 year old and the cycle is still continuing with this 12 year old and today I cried for her.  I cried because I know what its like, I cried because I know I should have stopped this a long time ago.  I cried because I am scared for them.  I know there is no hope for my siblings at this point but I don't know what to do about my neice living with the uncertainty of what every day is going to bring on the emotional roller coaster ride for her.  She confides in me and I try and keep her strong but she is only 12 and the 2 year old is scared to death and cringes when she walks by.  What do I do??

 

Sincerely frustrated and worried.

 
April 1, 2009, 4:35 pm CDT

that's my mom

I'm 37 years old I have chosen never to have children I couldn't risk being just like her.  My mom has 4 girls only 1 is still in contact with her.  I saw my mom in that first guest, she would hit her head on the wall and tell us that she wished she would die because we were such bad kids.  The worst part is that my sisters and I were really great kids we didn't do drugs we weren't sexually active always home on time we were great.  I didn't understand it then and I still don't.  I joined the army at 18 my other 2 sisters left at 18 as well.
 
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