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Topic : 06/26 Frustrated Moms

Number of Replies: 59
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Created on : Thursday, March 26, 2009, 04:06:44 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/01/09) America is teeming with people who are frustrated by rising unemployment, lack of affordable health care and mounting foreclosures. Dr. Phil talks to children who say they are silently shouldering their parents’ rage. He meets with two sets of siblings -- sisters Kelsey, 12, and Courtney, 13; and sister and brother Skyler, 17, and Shane, 15 -- who say their mother's anger has them walking on eggshells. What do the kids say are their biggest fears? Next, Dr. Phil sits down with Kelsey and Courtney’s mom, Lisa, alone. Lisa says her Jekyll-and-Hyde personality causes her to verbally attack her daughters. Find out what incident caused her to fly into a rage and kick one of her kids out! What’s behind the mom’s fury? Dr. Jim Sears, renowned pediatrician and co-host of the hit show The Doctors weighs in. Then, Skyler and Shane’s mother, Shawnda, says she’s on edge every day and fears that rage is slowly killing her. She says she cusses like a sailor in the home and calls her children horrible names such as bitch and retard. Can Shawnda learn to get her temper under control? Plus, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s eight coping steps for verbally abusive parents. Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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April 5, 2009, 2:44 pm CDT

thankyou

Quote From: jettaracing

     I just wanted to comment on this show, because I was so truely comparing my own childhood with those of the kids that were on the show. I don't believe that these mom's know even a little bit about how their actions are going to affect their children throughout their lives. My mom yelled at me every day over things like not getting downstairs quick enough, or leaving a few crumbs on the counter after getting my breakfast before school. I went to school every day in tears feeling so bad about myself. It seemed like there was nothing I could do that would ever please my mother enough to make her not get upset with me. The amount of stress that was put on me was unbelievable. I submerged myself in after-school activities and sports just so I didn't have to go right home. Because of my feelings I know that I wasn't able to put everything I had into school, which my grades showed. I also wasn't able to sleep, and was getting about 4 hours per night while I was in jr high and high school. It seemed that the older I got the angrier my mother got with me. I often wished I didn't have her for my mom.

     I am now 24 years old, and haven't lived with my mom for over 6 years, and she moved to a different state right after I moved out. I thought that the distance was the best thing for us because I actually missed her and we were able to talk in a civil manner, something which we weren't able to do for years. It seems that the distance wasn't what we needed to repair our relationship, and that there was really no hope for us to ever have a mother-daughter relationship that was healthy. There were times that if I said something on the phone to her that she didn't agree with then she wouldn't call me for months at a time. Or if I mentioned my dad (parents have been divorced for 22 years) then she threw attitude toward what I was saying like I wasn't allowed to talk about one of my parents whom I love very much. All of this has resulted in my fighting with my husband in the same ways that my mother fought with me, yelling, and saying whatever will hurt him to the core. It has taken a very strong man to stick with me through my being able to hash all of these feelings over and realize that I feel the anger that my mother felt because of my experiences with her. Unfortionately my mother and myself haven't spoken in nearly 2 years and I have never felt the kind of relief that I do because I don't have to worry about when the chips are going to fall and she is going to be mad at me and not talk to me. I feel very sad that this has happened in my life and that my children wont' know their grandmother, but at the same time, in order for me to be a healthy and happy person I need to not go through the realm of emotions that are involved when she is in my life.

     The reason I am writing this is to relay that those actions are burned into your children's lives forever. Please don't mistake that your actions have no consequences on your children. It affects them in ways that may take them years to realize. Fortionately I have an amazing husband and a great family that supports me and has stood by me through the confusing times of trying to figure out who I am without all of the anger. I know that I'm not out of the woods, but I believe that the first step in bettering myself is to realize why I do what I do, and working hard to change it.

How courageous of you to write your story, your story will help so many.  Maybe you have already realized this, but just know that your mother's anger started long before you came along, you were just the source at which she could unleash all her anger.  You did not cause her anger.  Anger is really a surface emotion, much like an iceberg, but underneath are all kinds of emotions that people have not dealt with.  Your mother may have never dealt with her emotions in a healthy way such as yourself. It is good that you have distanced yourself from her so that you may acquire a healthy perspective as to what emotions are healthy and which are not.  I am so sorry that your mother unleashed her hurt and resentments onto you.  If I was there now I would give you a great big hug and tell you what a wonderful daughter you are. 
 
April 5, 2009, 11:09 pm CDT

this is a start

Quote From: queenjellybean

I am also an angry mom.  I find myself bottling up any and all feelings inside and then going off on my kids when I feel that they aren't minding me or that they're just aggravating me.  I hate myself when I do this but don't always know how to handle situations.  I have an 11 year old daughter, an 8 year son & a 6 month old daughter.  My greatest fear is that they will emulate what they see here at home once they grow up.  I already see it in them.  They will yell at each other as well as at me.  I sometimes even want to hit them, but am able to refrain myself.  I don't really know how to change it, but I'm trying to start somewhere.  How do you change the things inside of you that make you do this?  I don't even really know why I do it.  I haven't been to a doctor for it, but I wonder if I may have a disorder such as bipolar that makes me this way.  I want to change.   

The first step is admitting that you have a problem, so I praise you for that.  The thing to remember is that anger is not the real issue it is only the surface issue.  What other emotions do you have that have not been resolved-this is the first place to start, is there anyone that you need to forgive that has hurt you?  Do you feel out of control by something that has happened in your life, do you feel out of control in your life? 

 

The next time you find yourself getting angry give yourself a time out and tell the kids that is what you are doing, just say "okay kids mom needs a time out" and take a few minutes and walk away from the situation until you can handle it calmly and rationally.  This will defuse the situation and keep things from escalating to a higher level and also teach the kids that anger that is out of control is not wise.  It is okay to be angry...that is a healthy emotion, but to use anger in a wrong way to inflict emotional harm on others is not healthy and I think you already acknowledged that. 

 

 

 
April 5, 2009, 11:19 pm CDT

04/01 Angry Moms

Quote From: jacquett10

My mother was a screamer and emotional abuser. It took years of therapy to realize why I wasn't able to value myself. She always found ways to hurt our souls in the most sacred places. It was almost like she knew our secret dreams and deliberately trample all over them.  I now can realize it came from a place in her that I couldn't fix. I was just a little girl. She still is extremely self centered in how she can twist the past to make herself feel better. One of the posters was correct in saying, we remember every word.  My mother is now 83yrs old and we all are there for her, but the resentment is always looming. And! She still downgrades our wonderful accomplishments. I now take it as a complement ; ) since I can clearly see she resents it when we are happy.

You have become better because of your experience, praise to you for becoming a better person through this trial brought on by your own mother.  Your mother is emotionally  unhealthy and not to excuse her in anyway, but just to say it sounds like she let life beat her up and in turn took it out on her children.  Somewhere deep inside your mother's soul she is a hurting very deeply, she may have been hurt so deep that she cannot even express it or even bare to look at it.  Most people that lash out in anger are hurting people themselves, they have just learned to be very guarded and sparing with their loving emotions and then their bitterness spills out onto others. 

 

Your mother may resent that you are happy because deep down she is very wounded and may not know how to become a better person, a whole and emotionally healthy person.  You have become that person through your years of therapy praise to you and your efforts to seek counsel to become emotionally whole. 

 

 

 
April 7, 2009, 6:54 am CDT

Yes,I agree it is never too late to get help.

Quote From: bugsea

I didnt even have to hear what dr Phil was going to say to her, because I knew.  Idid the same thing to my 3 year old.  My son's dad had mistreated us and we separated but the scares from the abuse continued on after the divorce.  I made my son pay for his dads abuse.   It wasnt until I went to alanon that I realized my sons chances of being an Alcoholic would be increased if I continued to treat him badly.   It was then that I began to change.   Before that nothing made me change.  I was angry! just like her.  I took it on out my son for no reason.  He was only 3.  I was educated and knew better but could not stop.  I felt that I was a worthless human bean.  I have felt that way my whole life.   I know that my mother must of felt that way because she was abusive also.   I have changed my son is 12.  It took a long time to get better.  The abuse did not stop until I felt that I was worthy of a good day.   A light bulb went on.  I started telling my mother that she was a good mother and she is worthy of feeling good about herself.  And becasue she is so deserving of my love that I spend 1 weekend with her every month.   I wish she had felf worthy of herself when I was growing up.  But people are so resilient and so are kids they can for give you.  I believe I needed some proffesional help so I was sick.  Mental sickness needs attention also.  Never to late to get better.  There is help and there are cures.  I work 6 days a week but I  make sure my immediate needs are met enough sleep good diet,  excersize.  I treat my son great because we deserve it and we are worth every bit of happiness.
Yes,I agree it is never too late to get help. I have just recently reached out to get help dealing with my anger issues and my sons anger issues. I have admitted to my son and pastor that I yell too much at my 12yr. old son and I had to stop. I also apologized to my son and told him I was going to try real hard not to do it anymore. I have not yelled at him in over 2wks. through counseling and prayer. I have taken the steps to get proffessional help by getting us both into counseling with different therapist and have also started family therapy.I went through alot of pain during childhood and adult life. I never knew what real love was because no ever showed me real love. I grew up in foster homes and group homes and there is no love in those places. All they cared about was the money! Thank god you reached out for help when you did. You do not   want your son to end up in one of those places.Good for you! It shows me that there is hope for my son and I to get along better.
 
April 7, 2009, 5:06 pm CDT

Yelling Backfires

I have a friend who yells at her 7 kids at the top of her lungs while on the phone with me.  Sometimes she puts the phone on mute but sometimes she forgets and blasts my ears.  I have tried to talk to her about this.  Her kids are hyper and bounce off the walls.  They all yell at each other and no one hears anyone. 

Constant yelling at kids makes them nervous little people who are so full of stress that they can't understand what you are saying.  You are teaching them nothing except how to yell to deal with problems. 
 
April 13, 2009, 9:06 pm CDT

04/01 Angry Moms

If there was one show I wish I could have been in the audience for, it's this one.  I wish I could have been there to let these women see the face of what the end result of their behaviour would be.  I grew up with a mother that was EXACTLY like them.  Raging, inconsistant with her affections, threats of being sent to boarding school, threats of leaving us, being called names, me wishing I had a different mom, never knowing how my mother would be when I got home from school - raging mom or relaxed mom.  My mother  put on the most wonderful face for others, but behind closed doors she was monster like.  Now as an adult I tend to have a lot of anxiety around the moods of others.  I think people's moods/additudes turn on a dime.  Romantic relationships are extremely hard for me because I don't think people are consistant and when things go wrong I always blame myself, even when I intellectually know it's not the case.  Not only has it effected me psychologically, but somatically it's something that stays with you...certain situations can trigger incredible anxiety.  I have sought help, and things have gotten better, but I know it will never leave me.  It has made me question whether to have children or not.  I hope these women use this amazing opportunity to change their ways and undo the damage they are doing.  If they don't all I can say is that in the end their kids may not be around.  When they get old enough to walk away from their rages they may not be around very much or they may cut these mothers out of their lives all together.   I wish the all the best, especially for the sake of their children.
 
May 22, 2009, 11:10 am CDT

Doctor Phil Show.

Angry Doctor Moms Phil/Robin. I seen this year aswell last year. See you on Friday 29th, 2009. Sincerley---

Your. Russell Vlaanderen.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
June 19, 2009, 11:40 am CDT

Doctor Phil Show.

Angry Doctor Moms Phil/Robin. Well Well Well here we go again. Angry Moms strike again. See you on-----

Friday June 26th, 2009. Sincerley Your. Russell Vlaanderen.---------------------------------------------------------------

 
June 20, 2009, 10:10 pm CDT

Angry Mom

I don't get it.  I got layed off at the end of February and I am a single mother of 2 and I'm frustrated that I can't pay all my bills every month and I'm stressed out too but you know what, my children didn't cause it and they have to go without too and there isn't anything they can do to help so maybe if you would sit down and play a game with them or take them to the park and get some fresh air it would get everyone laughing and your stress level would go down and maybe for a little while you wouldn't dwell on the bad and maybe you would see what's good in your life and what's important in your life like you are all healthy and maybe you could use the free time to enjoy your children and make lasting good memories and maybe you should think about the fact that chances are it's going to get better but the emotional pain and fear that you put your child through by yelling at them and calling them names,  well that doesn't ever go away and you can't take that back, it will change your relationship forever and their trust and respect will be something you will have to try to earn back for the rest of your life. Think about it, what's really important in life? A Job? Money? Material things? For me, it's the love of my children that can get me through anything!!!

 
June 26, 2009, 1:02 pm CDT

Frustrated Moms

This episode has really touched me. I was abused by my father throughout my life up until i left for college. I understand how the two girls felt (kelsey and her sister) when they said they were afraid that their mother would send them away. When i was in high school, my dad told me he wished i would call the cops on him and tell them that he abused me so they would take me away forever so that he wouldnt have any grief in his life. When he said that i didnt care anymore, i gave up on trying to figure out what i did wrong. I did finally ask my father and confront him about that incident and many others about 6 months ago. It happened after he pushed my mom out of the bedroom during an arguement. As she was being pushed out of the bedroom i caught her in my arms and was screaming at my dad to not touch her.

 

My dad is an alcoholic and drinks everyday. Hes been drinking as long as i can remember, and the alcohol always led to him being irritable and blaming everyone else for his problems and stress in life. My mother ran away with my dad, who was a marine, when she was 18. They had my brother and then me by the time she was 21. She didnt have anyone to help her besides my great grandmother. My dad worked and drank everyday (hes a functioning alcoholic). As a child i was always dreading to go home from school just like those two girls. It was hell, and every chance i had to leave i surely left. I was terrified of my father because he would beat the crap out of you. Hes punched, kicked, smacked, and verbally degraded me and everyone in our household. He would look at me and call me names like B****, Selfish B****, and tell me F*** Y**. When my dad finally did respond to the letter i wrote him about 6 months ago he looked me in the eye and said that when i was younger he didnt like me. It was unbelieveable. I couldnt believe how my dad could sit there sober and tell me that he didnt like me when i was younger, that ruined his marriage (in middle school), that i caused everything that went wrong in his life.

 

I went to counselling in high school and got help with my anger frustration and sadness. I feel better about myself, i know that i wasnt the reason his marriage was horrible and that i wasnt a horrible child. Now that i am in college and am learning about child development and so on i realize that i went through all the stages every child goes through. I feel bad for the two girls because they are stuck in a horrible environment of fear and anger, and they are too young to understand what is going on. The girls are very smart and well-spoken, i know that they will be okay but will fear being like their mother and be scared to be mothers themselves. I am a straight A student with a full athletic and academic scholarship and am finally able to get away from the enviroment. I finally am starting to realize that i really dont suck. that im not a horrible kid. I just wish someone would have helped me, I am so glad those two girls were strong enough to have the courage to go and seek help for their mother. I wasnt as strong as they were and i admire them. My father still needs help and needs to figure out and stop denying that he has problems. but his anger is so bad, hell get up and leave he wont listen hes just so messed up. It affects my mother and i cant stand it, coming home for the summer is hell, i hate it here but no one will stand up and do something about it. everyday i look at my parents and realize that i dont want ot be them. Im still dependent on my parents medically and financially. My mother will not ban together with me and help my father and herself. She is submissive and does whatever he says or expects. I could never let my life be like hers, i even told her i never want to be like you. Harsh i know, but true, i really hope shell do something because sooner or later im leaving to start my life and my brother is supposed to leave this winter. Where will my mom end up?

 

Im thankful that the two girls mother is willing ot get help and realize that she has problems. thats the first step to recovery. Good luck ladies!

 
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