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Topic : 04/03 Reunion Realities

Number of Replies: 26
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Created on : Thursday, March 26, 2009, 04:12:50 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Imagine answering your phone and hearing, "You don't know me, but I am your brother or sister." How would you react? Many reunions with long-lost loved ones turn out joyous, but sometimes, the results can be difficult to accept. Troy Dunn, a professional people finder and host of WE TV's The Locator joins Dr. Phil to share a mixed bag of reunion stories. First up, four of five sisters torn apart during childhood reunite after over 20 years. Then, with the help of Troy, they locate their youngest sister and gather for an emotional reconciliation. Even with the best reunions, problems can crop up, and as time has passed, two of the women, Desiree and Stephanie, have stopped speaking to each other. What's causing these sisters to drift apart? Can they come to an understanding before Desiree is shipped out with the Army? Then, all five women visit their mother together for the first time since they were taken from her. She joins the show to share her experience. Next, Wendy contacted Troy to locate her mother, who sent her and her brother to live with their paternal aunt and uncle when she was 10.  Wendy thought she was going on a vacation, but never returned home and wants to know why her mother left her. After a frustrating search, Troy locates her mom, but the news is anything but joyous. Could Wendy’s worst fears about her mother be true? If there is someone in your life you're longing to get back in touch with, don't miss this show to learn the realities of reunions.

Find out what happened on the show.

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April 3, 2009, 4:41 pm CDT

adoptions

My heart goes out to the second guest.  I am too an adoptee, I do not know my farther who is/was  black and my mom was Irish.  I turned out to be light skin.  Which turned out to be a whole another issue for another show.   I found my biological mom when I was 25 yrs old and although I wish I could say it was the best thing that did happen,it wasn't, it was 17 years of trying to prove my love to her.  In one way, I wish she would of said, "I am not interested in you".  My heart wouldn't of broken so bad. 

 

After the first 10 years of trying to do the best I could as a daughter, I finally gave my mom an a choice, I really thought at that point our lives would be different and I have to say the next year and 1/2 to two years were the best.  My mom finanlly intruduced part of her family to me after 10 years of being in her life.  The family was very accepting of me and I got to reconnect with my foster family who took wonderful care of me.  This was a wonderful time for my mom & me.  After that our relationship  was up and down.   I was always the hero in our relationship.  Many times my mom would tell me I was a better daughter than she can be a mother.  I accept that, I accept her as she was, but it was never good enough for my mom.  My friends use to tell me that my mom was jealous of me, I guess I never wanted to believe that, after looking at our relationship I believe that there was some truth to that.

 

My biological mom died a year an half ago and although I have somewhat comes to grip with her death, she died a very mean and misable person who had a lot of demons she was fighting.

 

I look at the past 17 years and I realize I met family that I didn't know I had, this has gone very well and they still support me today, I got to recconect with my foster family and now I am in there lives, which is truely a blessing. 

 

The one thing that I wanted more than anything is the love of my mother, which she was not capable of giving.  What made this worse is she had a Doctorate in Physcology, in which I thought she should of been a little more sympathic to more feelings.  What made it worse is she was great at counseling other people, I found myself a little envioius, because she was good a understanding other peoples problems, but she was horrible with us.

 

Bascially I say all this to say, that maybe one day the second guest mom's will come around and atleast give her answers to some questions.  The worst thing is have her in your life and she doesn't want a relationship. Maybe the second guest can grieve the loss of her mother and come to grips with her decision.  Having someone in your life that doesn't want to be in there isn't an easy road either. 

 

To help me deal with some of my frustration about my mom I found myself doing a lot of volunteering with different organizations that dealt with kids.  I felt that maybe I can be a semi-quasi mom to a child that didn't have one in there lives or didn't participate in the childs life that I could make a difference in that childs life.  This really did help me because when you help people in need regardless if it is children, adults or family; sometimes  you forget what your problem was and it makes you feel good to do something in someone's life.

 

 After 17 years + with my mom it would of saved a lot of misery on both of our parts and proberly a few lest pounds also.  Best of luck to you and time does make things a litttle better.

 

 
April 3, 2009, 4:48 pm CDT

Adopties

     Dr Phil, I too was adopted.  In my case 62 years ago.  I had the good fortune to have been responsible for putting my family back together four years ago this past February.  The birth mother was dead when all this happened. 

     In our situation, I was given up at birth, I am sure you know of the Edna Gladney Home, you being from Texas.  The next child was given to her grandmother to adopt and raise when she was nine.  The next four were taken away from the family the same year and given for adoption.  She kept then next two, both boys, and gave up the last one to her sister for adoption.  If you are counting, then yes you are correct, that is nine children, of which seven were adopted out.

     We had an adoption search angle who put all of us in touch with one another, it took her over two weeks to get us all back together, she said that our bunch took her longer to do than any other she had ever worked on, and she tells me that she normally does seven per week.

     We had a situation similar to your show.  We had one that we have already gotten to the point where she has nothing to do with us.  We have another who, because her adoptive parents are still alive, bow to their wishes and has never met with us.  We have a third member who is just like a stranger, in that we do not understand him nor him us.

     The rest of us get along just fine. 

     I do not believe that the birth father of the others is my birth father.  It is not really important the explaintion, it does not have any importance to this story.  But the birth father was very abusive and an alcoholic.  He drank up the family income and the children were taken away by the state because of the parents inability to care for them.  It as also been suggested that the father may have been bipolar.  It is my believe that there may have been a gene that was passed along from the father to several of his children with this disorder.  I have had some physiology, probably just enough to be dangerous, however when I suggested that there is help for this disorder, it was not well received at all.

     The birth mother's family, included at least one of my siblings, very much avoids the limelight, so I have to be careful in dealings with her.  I do not really have a reason for writing, because our situation is what it is.  I guess what I am doing is just passing along a story.  It is more good that bad.  Do I wish I had never done it?  Absolutely not, it will always be one of the greatest experiences I will ever have the privilege being involved in.  Why?  Let me tell you.  The others never knew me, they would never have missed me if I would not have come along.  But the others knew of one another.  Dr. Phil, I got to put this family back together, I got to put people back that had known each other from forty and fifty years ago, and had not seen there brother and sister's faces in that length of time.  It was truly wonderful.

Thanks

Sterling

 
April 3, 2009, 5:18 pm CDT

MY ONLY DAUGHTER DROWNED...

How is it possible that the mothers of the two beautiful girls on your show today

would not want to re-connect with them?

 

I lost my only daughter, she drowned at 27 years old....  and here are these mothers who do not even

care to make contact with their beautiful daughters.

 

TO THESE MOTHER'S - SHAME ON YOU BOTH.... you are not worthy of their love.

 

To both of you beautiful daughters....

 

I had an abusive mother, we were estranged most of my adult life.  I had to accept that she did

not know how to love, but God sent me wonderful surrogates, women who were wonderful, loved me like a daughter and loved my children.

 

May both of you beautiful women know how special you are, and my God bring special women into your life...heal your hearts, and help you to accept and move on.

 
April 3, 2009, 7:19 pm CDT

tears is what I got watching this show

 

 I was told a few years ago when my life changed I should go on a show.I was 1 of 7 children ,I was allways told I was adopted.Our mother died in a boating crash is what I was told.an she was...I found out before she died our parents had given away 2 of my brothers (they are twins) on a drunken night of our fathers ,he gave them away to a couple who couldnt have kids ,for a 50 lb. bag of potatoes,an then he gave my oldest sister away as well.It was back in 1960 an they where poor an lived out in the middle of the country,it tured out he wasnt my father as my mother left him an went to the city had an affair an come back expecting me.It was about 1983 I met all the brother an sisters ,an we all get along well,with the older ones its a little harder as they remember everything that I dont as I was so young.....all though this show I had tingles going all though me...I hope they can move on an have a good friendship...as that is how we went into our meetings...good luck to you all.

 
April 3, 2009, 8:48 pm CDT

04/03 Reunion Realities

Quote From: angelbaby6909

Imagne your self on the compter on facebook looking up names and finding what you think may be your kids whom were taken from you by the courts years earlier and having them respond why did you leave us? look to my surprize my 16 year old did just that and then went on to tell me that he wished He was with me then was also worried what the adopted parents would do when they find out well the next day they did and told me i may be there real mother yet not to contact or have contact with my son til he turns 18 well his older brother and sister will be 18 in OCT. and I could really feel the confusion my son is having. Look I reunions are good yet what happens to my kids now?
I can see if you gave them up for adoption and thought you were doing the best thing for them, that it might be awkward.  But that girl's mom gave them up when they were older.  She remembers the feeling of her mom dumping her and it will affect her self-esteem for life.  She feels rejected by the one person who should have unconditional love for you.
 
April 3, 2009, 8:51 pm CDT

04/03 Reunion Realities

Quote From: cherylf

How is it possible that the mothers of the two beautiful girls on your show today

would not want to re-connect with them?

 

I lost my only daughter, she drowned at 27 years old....  and here are these mothers who do not even

care to make contact with their beautiful daughters.

 

TO THESE MOTHER'S - SHAME ON YOU BOTH.... you are not worthy of their love.

 

To both of you beautiful daughters....

 

I had an abusive mother, we were estranged most of my adult life.  I had to accept that she did

not know how to love, but God sent me wonderful surrogates, women who were wonderful, loved me like a daughter and loved my children.

 

May both of you beautiful women know how special you are, and my God bring special women into your life...heal your hearts, and help you to accept and move on.

All I can say is that I wish we all had mothers like you. I feel so bad that you had this loss. I am going to try and be like that.  Some of us have mothers who have rejected us and it's very painful.
 
April 4, 2009, 5:04 am CDT

I got one of those phone calls

Hi, I was given up in 1963 when I was 16 months old, my newborn brother came with me.  My dad had  (accidentally?)  shot my mother to death when she was pregnant with my brother. They were able to keep her alive until they delivered him.  She had just turned 25 years old.  My dad had 4 boys from a previous marriage, we knew about them but had no idea where they were except in the USA somewhere.  My dad was unable to look after us so my maternal Grandmother and step Grandfather adopted my brother & I.  It was a rough life but they did the best they could.

 

One Sunday afternoon about 11 years ago I was making bread when I received a phone call. The person on the other end asked my name and if I had a brother named Jeff.  When I answered yes, he said "my name is Pat C----- and I am your brother!"  As my legs buckled under me, I said "I know you are!"  We talked for several hours, then I phoned my brother and told him.  He was so excited too!  Our step Grandad had been killed at work (in 1975) and our Grandma had died of cancer in (1993) so we were alone and did not have to worry about offending anyone.

 

The brothers were going to a family reunion for their mom's side of the family and we were invited to join them, it was at a town about 4 hours away.  We went and met all 4 of our half brothers, found out we had neices & nephews and my oldest brother was a Grandpa.  We had a great reunion, the three older ones remembered me, they said they had taken turns looking for us for years.

 

We kept in touch with them and when Christmas came around we were offered the opportunity to meet our dad again.  It was a difficult decision due to the circumstances surrounding my mother's death but we decided to go ahead and meet him.  The facts were the facts and what had happened couldn't be undone so we needed to forgive him.  We arrived at his door on Christmas eve (he only lived 45 minutes from where my brother did and we had driven by his house many times without even knowing it).  We didn't know what to expect or what he looked like (the only photos we had were 30 yrs old or more).  When he opened the door, he welcomed me with open arms and I was enfolded in my Father's arms for the first time in over 30 years.  It felt wonderful!  We were able to maintain a good relationship with him until he died suddenly in 2006.  The relationships with our brothers had broken down by then, not due to animosity but due to our very different upbringings.  We still saw them when they were at my dad's and had a good time with them but we drifted apart over the years.  I  regret that we are no longer in touch, They have moved several times each and I only have an idea of where they live now, I have an e-mail address for one of them but seldom get a response.  I miss them, they are my brothers, a part of my family.

 

That phone call on the Sunday afternoon opened a whole new part of my life, a part that I never knew if it would ever open up or not.  I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to meet my "other family"  I wish we could have kept in touch.

 I wrote this poem after my dad died.

 

Lon C-------'s daughter

 

Many years ago, you held a daughter in your arms

You quicly fell in love, with her newborn baby charms

Four boys and now a girl, you were so surprised

Anyone that looked, saw the pride in your eyes

You worked hard to provide, for your growing family

But you also took time, to bounce me on your knee

A short while later, great tragedy struck your life

You lost your daughter and new son, when you lost your wife

A tragic accident? took your wife that day

Then your precious babies, you had to give away

 You had to give them up, even though your heart did ache

Some days without them, you felt your heart would break

But life went on, and you married once again

Time did it's healing, and it dulled your pain

The years went by quickly, your other children grew

But a piece of your heart, wouldn't forget these precious two

Then one day ten years ago, we came back in your life

We got to know you, and your newest wife

The love I saw in your eyes, the warmth of your voice

Reaffrmed my decision, I knew I'd made the right choice

To allow you in my life again, to begin anew

Some of my happiest moments, were times I spent with you

I am so very glad, that I got to know you dad

But now that you're gone, my heart is so sad 

For I truly loved you, I was loved in return

In the short time we had, there was so much to learn

I will always remember you, dad I wear your chin

In so many ways, we were truly kin

Thank you dad for being brave, to do what you must do

For giving up your children, yes Jeff and I, we too

Then coming back into my life, with your arms open wide

Dad, it was a privilege, to walk by your side

For now I'll say goodbye, but dad I miss you so

Every part of me cries, I wish you didn't go

Someday once again, you'll hold your daughter in your arms

The same girl you fell in love with, with all her baby charms

My precious father's daughter, I am so proud to be

I'll see you once again dad, in eternity

 

Love your daughter

Deb P

 

 

 
April 4, 2009, 7:40 am CDT

Breaks my heart

 I saw "The Locator" with Wendy's story,and then again, on Dr. Phil, and it broke my heart.  There is, I am certain, a way that either Troy or Dr. Phil could arrange for them to meet, if only once, without anyone knowing.  This poor young woman is obviously haunted, and for her mother to do nothing is beyond cruelty. Jennifer is selfish and cowardly.  It's easy for everyone else to tell Wendy to "move on", but it is clear she cannot.  When "Jennifer" meets her maker, and has to explain herself, I know she will finally get what she deserves.  Wendy, hold on to that thought....someday, one day, everyone gets what they deserve.
I have some half-sisters who had a bad mother.  They are all wonderful young women who take pride in the fact that they are excellent parents.  I am sometimes in awe of them.
The best revenge is to have a good life.  Love the family you have and try every day to be a better person than your mother. May G-d bless and keep you.
 
April 4, 2009, 9:14 am CDT

My story

I was adopted and met my biological mother's family (my aunt and grandmother) around 1988 (my biological mom had died in 1974 in an accident).

My biological grandmother has since died, and my aunt and I email from time to time, and try to visit when in her home state.

I am the only child of that family, as my mother never had any others, and my aunt had none.

I feel at times I was/am a reminder of very difficult and sad times in my biological grandmother and aunt's lives (due to the fact my grandmother supposedly forced my biological mom to give me up..in 1960, when a 17 yr old was pregnant, that's what they did and I understand that, and that my biological mother had passed away and I do resemble her in a lot of ways).

My relationship with my aunt is cordial, but not as close as I would like to be.  She also treats my children fairly well (they are her sister's grandchildren so I appreciate that).

 

I also have found my biological father.  He also had no other children.  This is my main problem: I feel sooooooo alone in this world!!!  He is a great guy and lives about 2 hours away, so he does come visit as much as possible.  I'm happy for this relationship, as he has added much to our lives (my children and me).

My brother was also adopted, and has 4 siblings.  He has no desire to meet them. 

I shake my head, because I feel this is the ultimate irony between my brother and I.

 

There were no hard feelings in my reunions, because my dad that raised me had passed away by the time I met my biological dad, and since my biological mom had passed away before I met her family, my mom that raised me had no one to feel threatened about.

I guess I was fortunate in a way for that, because I didn't feel I was betraying anyone.

 

I cry when I watch Troy's show, mostly because I have come to the end of my search for biological family, yet still feel so alone in this world.  I sometimes wish I had sisters (especially) and brothers.

 
April 6, 2009, 9:04 am CDT

Found my biological family

Dr. Phil,

 

I am a 59 year old adoptee who has found her biological family thanks to Troy Dunn and Search Quest America.  I contacted them after watching your show on Reunions in December, 2008.  In January of this year the investigator handling my search  contacted me that she found my mother, sister and three half-siblings. My half-brother and sister contacted me almost immediately after learning about me.  I then contacted my sister and spoke with her for several hours.  She later told me she had spoken with our mother and told me that our mother did not wish to meet me or talk with me.  My initial feeling was hurt, but  understood where she was coming from.  I have not spoken to my mother directly and my relationship with my sister has gone down the tubes.  I have met with my half brothers and sisters and we are all working on nurturing this relationship.  I am so happy to find that after being an only child all these years I have brothers and a sister and that I finally have closure in my life and to know my biological slate is no longer blank.

 

Thanks again for airing this show and other shows on adoptions and reunions.

 
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