Topic : 05/06 How to Be a Better Parent, Part 2

I was absolutely mortified when I saw the video footage of Davia "trying" to mind her business in her bedroom and Tammy coming in, video camera in hand intending to show the world what a horrible daughter she has.  All that proved to me was that Tammy needs attention.  All Tammy talked about was that she "couldn't take anymore."  Couldn't take what, exactly?  The fact that Davia is sick of being demeaned, patronized, mocked, and humiliated by her mother's treatment of her, so she goes to her room to be alone?  She says Davia follows her around like a puppy begging for attention, but Tammy won't leave her alone at times either.  Tammy doesn't have a single right to treat Davia in that manner-NOT A SINGLE ONE!  There's a reason why Tammy is so bitter toward Davia.  I don't think the whole truth came out. 

 

I was so happy when Dr. Phil pointed out that Tammy videoed "Davia's behavior" and sent it to him with the intention of showing him what a demon she has for a child.  But it backfired because in my opinion Dr. Phil saw the demon Davia has for a mother.  I was hoping Dr. Phil wouldn't let Tammy off the hook and he didn't but I wished he had been a little harder on her. There is no excuse for the way Tammy acted on that video.

I'm glad you had this show on Dr Phil, because I can relate. But not from the parents perspective. I relate from the child's perspective. I am referring to Tammi- the woman who hates her daughter and feels like she is a mistake. She is an awful woman, by the way, and I have no sympathy for her. I relate to her daughter, and feel so sorry for her. And I can predict what is going to happen to their relationship (based on my life) and it is not pretty. I don't think Tammi will EVER have a good relationship with her daughter. And she doesn't deserve it either!!! But the daughter does, and my heart goes out to her. She will have to find love elsewhere. It is so sad.

My Mom treated me the same way. I was the second child- born to my mother when she was 21. At 23 she divorced my Dad. I look like my Dad, and always have. And I have a lot of the same personality traits. Well, guess what? My Mom can't stand my Dad! And so, I remind her of him. It's taken me YEARS to figure out why my Mom despises me so much. Why she treated me with such disrepect, why I was neglected, why I felt so unloved. Why I had so much pain. Not until my 30's was I able to formulate that I remind her of him. Just looking at me, I am a reminder. And she can't stand my personality- I can tell. She just simply acts contemptuous towards me. And I think deep down she feels I was a mistake (and I was not planned, so I guess literally I was a mistake).

Well, adolescence wasn't easy. Living in a house with her!!! I could not wait to get away from her and all of her abuse. Even now, I avoid her at all possible costs. I have learned to find love elsewhere. I have a loving boyfriend who has always been there for me, since age 20. And I have friends and grandparents who love me too. And most of all, I can love myself. The best thing I ever did was to grow up and get away from her. I am a nurse, I am a stand-up law abiding citizen. I am attractive, and nice and compassionate. There is no reason to dislike me so much. My Mom though still tries to make me into the black sheep, even though it's ridiculous. She loves my older sister to death. And she tries to make me out like the problem child, even though it's pathetic, because I don't have any problems. My life is complete and wonderful (except for her). She can't admit that my problems in high school were mostly related to her. I got along fine with everyone else. I remember growing up, feeling confused when other people would be nice to me. I was initially surprised when people like my aunts and friends parents were kind and treated me with respect. I wasn't used to that....I was used to being made to feel like dirt.  Anyway, I don't think my Mom can admit to herself that is it she who has the problem. I think she sees me as defective.

And funny thing about it, she was the one messed up. She did drugs and was an alcoholic and has been married 3 times. I am much more together than she ever was. It's weird. But you know what, I am getting over it. But seeing this show has really touched a nerve. That Tammi is despicable. She is ruining this poor girl's life. This girl is going to have a hard time trusting people. I almost lost my boyfriend, because I too had trust issues. Thank goodness he stuck by me. But this poor girl is being abused by this woman. She should be taken out of the house. This woman Tammi- I hope she rots in hell!!!

Tammy did NOT go on this show because she loves Davia.  If you've been watching and LISTENING to what Tammy says, she tells us she went to SHOW Davia what she's doing wrong.  Just like she videotaped her confrontation and sent it to Dr. Phil as evidence of how "horrible" Davia is, while claiming she wants to save her relationship with Davia, this, for Tammy, was all about justifying her horrible treatment.  I believe she honestly thought Dr. Phil and the other parents would say "oh, poor Tammy... Davia is such a horrible daughter... I don't know how you put up with it..." 

 

I saw hints that Dr. Phil saw Tammy the same way that most of us did, but not enough proof.  I'm hoping and PRAYING that Tammy gets what's coming to her in episode 3, episode 4, and perhaps a few episodes still in the future that are just geared at kicking Tammy's butt...

 

Meanwhile, if anyone reading these boards knows Tammy and Davia, please post and let us know what you know of how Davia is doing now.  And if anyone knows that things are the same, I pray you'll contact CPS, and find how to get in touch with me, or any other person who is a loving mother, and who would lovingly welcome this girl into her home and treat her the way she deserves...

 

God be with you, Davia...

 

The one thing I couldn't grasp is the fact that Tammy has two other children and she stated she loved them and has more of a bond with them than with Davia.  My question is, what has Davia done to be so hated by her own mother?  I personally don't think Davia has done anything.  I think Tammy has hidden demons even she can't see and they need to be brought to the surface and dealt with propperly.  The end of the second show was a huge cliff-hanger for me.  Will there be a part 3? I hope so.  I agree with another poster, Dr. Phil needs to give Tammy and Davia one solid hour to dig down deep into what is really going on.  Tammy said, more than once, she can't stand Davia's presence.  I would like to ask Tammy to set her selfish feelings aside and think about how that makes Davia feel?  To know that your own mother hates your guts has to be the absolute worst feeling in the enetire world. 

 

I hope Tammy reads this and others.  As far as her refusing to hug Davia because that's what Davia wants.  She has issues!  Of course she "wants a hug" from her mother of all people.  It's called affection, Tammy!  You NEVER withold affection from a child, you withhold luxuries if the behavior isn't up to par.  I hope Davia finds a serogate mother ASAP!

This Tammy, is absolutely committing a CRIMINAL ACT against Davia. If I screamed, yelled, and literaly chased my partner around a room that caused her to feel frightened that I would hurt her, I would probably be arrested for domestic violence. I could see the fright on Davia's face when she jumped over the bed to get away from that woman, that she thought Tammy was going to strike her. Tammy is obviously a sick woman, but she knew better than to hit that child on tape. I know in my heart that Davia is also being physically abused. The hard part is that Davia wants her mother's love so badly that she most likely will not tell on Tammy. I know that when I was being emotionally, physically, and sexually abused, I didn't tell because I was afraid that noone would believe me, but mostly because I still wanted my mom to love me. I knew that if I got her or my father in trouble, then everybody would hate me forever. Children believe it when they are told they are not worthy of even a mother's love. Notice that Davia hasn't accuses her mother of anything, she just says that she and her mother fight all of the time and that she is hopeful that things can get better. Dr. Phil, you are always saying that relationships need a hero, and I relly hope that you will be Davia's hero,since she obviously doesn't have anyone to stick up for her. I am hoping so hard that people that are related, know, or are in any way connected to Davia will see this show and get her out of that house until Tammy gets serious therapy for a long time and can treat that little girl right. Please don't let that child be subject to Tammy's abuse any longer, be her hero.

I have no kids (I'm 43) cause I couldn't carry a child, so I worked as a nanny for 6 years, then became a nurse. I would take any of these kids in a heartbeat. I am strict, as my nieces and nephs would tell you, but I am also extremely loving and a very safe person to fall back on, as my n&n's would also be quick to tell you. Not sure how it happened, but am proud that I do have so much love despite my upbringing. All kids really need is love, consistantsy, and someone to teach them the right path. It would be an honor to have Davia. All children misbehave, lie, and seek attention. It is the parent's job to set rules, consistantly enforce reasonable consequences for breaking the rules, and teach kids to live right by modeling that behavior. You would have to stand in line behind me for Davia. I think the other parents and kids will get the help they need simply because they really do want it for thier kid's sake. Davia is the one that needs a new home where she can learn what being loved feels like.

'Not that you haven't had enough abuse heaped on you through these message boards,but I thought I would add my two cents worth. If you are still reading these messages ( which I doubt because you are a coward and rate a 0 on the self-awareness scale) believe me, this is nothing compared to the abuse you heaped on your daughter. I sincerely hope you read every single word of these messages and realize you desperately need help! What was your daughter's big crime, anyway ? Oh yeah, she went to her room and "sulked" because you said no to her. Do you know how many kids her age act this way? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!! They're kids, idiot! They're supposed to act this way because they're not emotionally mature yet. Instead you acted like the child and she acted like the adult. ...you're lucky she didn't hurl something at your head to get you to shut up because that's what I felt like doing just watching you...and you have the nerve to call her "annoying and weird "? Unbelievable. If this is how you treat her when you know you are on television, I shudder to think what goes on in your home. You act as if you're the only parent in the world who has gone through this. It sounds like you have a big time persecution complex, lady. If you would have just left her alone and let her have her space, in 15 min-half an hour, she would have come out and been fine. But no, you couldn't do that....that would have taken some restraint and maturity, wouldn't it? You just had to harass her to prove that you're the one who's right.  Well you're not....you are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG in every way, shape and form. And to the few people who side with this mother and say it's alright for a parent to vent their frustations and make the child accountable , this might be true in some cases (usually an older teenager who has stepped WAY over the boundaries) but this is not one of them.This is just a pre-adolescent girl who is trying to find her place in the world. Please have some compassion, lighten up and GIVE HER A BREAK!!!

I was appalled at the video with Davia and her mom.  But I think we all tend to forget that this is Davia's step-mom, not that it gives her an excuse.  But I also think that both this child and mother have gotten themselves into a rut and they can't get out of it.  I think that the look on Tammy's face when she was listening to herself was telling.  I don't think that she realizes what is going on.  I also think that before this over there will be a lot of changes made with that family.  We have to be upset because of how she behaved but at the same time we have to be thankful she let it show so easily.  What scares me is not Davia and her mom but the other parents that have not had thier outbursts yet.  You can't fix what you can't see.

Wow.  It's been days since the show....I also have never posted anything on the message boards but find myself very motivated to do so.   As I was reading through the messages I must say that I'm very glad that most all of us agree that Tammy has some HUGE issues.   I'm sure Dr. Phil will do a fabulous job trying to break through to Tammy that her behavior is unexceptable.  And perhaps Tammy will have some inlightenment along the way.  But my biggest fear is that Tammy will play the part of a "fixed" person and do a bunch of crying and yada, yada, yada....and THEN when it's time for home and the camera's are gone she's going to REALLY sock it to her little girl.   I hope this doens't happen.   As the days and weeks of her and her daughter's return she needs to be monitered very closely.  Perhaps have social services check in on her.  Because this truly, as it stands now, is grounds to have her daughter removed from the home for severe emotional abuse.

I've never felt compelled to write on these message boards until now.  Watching this show reminds me of how my mother raised me.  I'm thankful that she showed me love and affection during my early development years, which gave me a strong foundation of security, empowerment, and empathy...but my teen years and beyond were hell.  She never expressed love, hardly hugged me, put me down, called me "stupid," "idiot," "retarded," and said that there was something wrong with me ("What's wrong with you?!?!").  She never complimented me or told me that she ever was proud of me. Instead, she focused on the negative.  She made me feel small, insignificant, inadequate...and as a result, I had low confidence, low self-esteem, and felt like I always needed to get approval from her and others.  As a result, I became interested in child development and earned my bachelor's in child development.  I knew there had to be a better way to treat children, and I wanted to be prepared in case I have kids in the future...plus my calling is to become a teacher! 

 

Watching the show, I felt so disgusted and frustrated.  I wanted to yell at Tammy that she's killing her child's future at being a confident, happy, well-adjusted person.   Children are people!!!  They need to have a voice.  They need to be shown respect.  They need the freedom to express themselves.  They have thoughts, opinions, emotions, personality traits.  And right now, all of Davia's is being squashed!!!  She's being raised to be a submissive, repressed, thoughtless and emotionless person, as well as having no self-worth and a low self-esteem.  This is going to turn into destructive and self-destructive behavior.  The key to changing all of this?  Power.   Tammy needs to relinquish her skewed and damaging idea of what raising a child means and empower her child by showing her child unconditional love and allowing Davia to express herself--her emotions, thoughts, feelings, and beautiful personality!