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Topic : 05/12 How to Be a Better Parent, Part 3

Number of Replies: 82
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Created on : Friday, May 08, 2009, 02:40:23 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil continues his work with four families who are tired of the fighting and chaos in their home and are striving to create peace. One of the parents in the house, Tammie, recorded home video of an argument with her daughter, Davia. After watching it, Dr. Phil doesn’t mince words when he tells Tammie how he believes she is scarring her daughter. What is at the root of Tammie's resentment and contempt? And, Dr. Phil warns one parent about what he’s doing that could drive his daughters to turn to other male figures for love and attention. If you’re the father of a preteen daughter, don’t miss Dr. Phil's words of warning! Then, a role-playing exercise offers a different perspective for the parents and the kids. Will seeing themselves portrayed by their family members open their eyes, or just add more fuel to the fire? Plus, see a trust exercise that gives insight into communication problems and parenting pitfalls. If you want to learn how to create a peaceful home and a phenomenal family, follow these parents! Join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

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May 12, 2009, 8:06 pm CDT

how to be a better parent?

Dr. Phil,

I have to hand it to your for taking on these difficult issues. But I have yet to see a MD who can make a parent love their child. It is a free-will thing and speaking from experience if it is not there it will never be there.  At the end of the show she said she "just needed a hug" but at the beginning of the program she said all her daughter wanted to do was hug her and she could not stand it. Without sounding too judgmental, Davia's  mother is evil. I was raised by a father and step mother who acted just like her.It gives me chills just watching, I'm speechless. At this point Davia has 8 more years of Hell to live through and she is out of there!!!  That woman makes me sick. I will keep Davia in my prayers.

 
May 12, 2009, 8:10 pm CDT

05/12 How to Be a Better Parent, Part 3

Quote From: shelly_80

So, you think being on the show itself will damage Davia? It very well might, anything is possible.  I don't think things are going to be "easy" for her in the next while, but  I think being on the show is probably what saved her life because no one can help until they are made aware of the situation.

 

I think Davia's friends and peers finding out how her mother really feels about her was a small price to pay to stop her abuse.  Dr. Phil said himself, he WILL NOT allow it to continue. Not to mention, in his line of work, he's required to report any and all cases of abuse to the authorites.  I do agree, any judge in their right mind wouldn't think twice about removing her from Tammie's custody, atleast while Tammie is getting the help she needs. Unfortunately, there's a lot of things that need to be taken into consideration before a judge can make his or her final decision.  I don't like it either but that's the way the "justice system" works. 

Yeah, i really do. I mean Tammie is definitely abusive...but its one thing to have her hounding and yelling and being mean, and then watching your mother tell dr. phil that she thinks you're a mistake etc.

 

I think that is suuuuper damaging!!! I mean, I can't imagine how upset I would feel if i saw my mother say that...

 

I don't know if the trade off is worth it. Yes, I think it's great that dr. phil can help. But here's the thing. When he saw Tammie's video, he instantly knew what was going on. In the episode, he pegs it right away. Therefor I believe that Dr.Phil knew what Tammie was going to reveal before she revealed it. We know how thorough the producers are pre-show. He had to have known, and it is disappointing that he allowed that to be filmed. He should have said something like that Tammie was going to be helped off air due to difficulties and EXTREME circumstances. Thats the happy medium...That way they would have gotten help and Davia would have been safe from hearing that.

 
May 12, 2009, 8:14 pm CDT

05/12 How to Be a Better Parent, Part 3

Quote From: shelly_80

Was anyone else wiping the tears when Tammie called Davia into the timeout room to apologize?  I cried a bucket of tears for Davia.  I'm glad that Tammie was finally able to admit she's the problem and not Davia.  I'm also happy that Tammie was able to say the words, "I need to fix myself," but I hope by saying that, it doesn't let her off the hook. It thrilled me to see Dr.  phil get as real and stern with her as he did.  He's been accused of being too soft on past guests but I don't think he was with her. The reason she can't look her daughter in the eye is because her conscience is eating her alive since coming to Dr. Phil for help.  I am ecstatic that he did not mince any words. I stil think there's something she's not telling. Never in the history of his show has he been unable to get to the root of the problem.
man i dont know... did you notice towards the end where davia was trying to console her mom? she said something like 'its fine' and tammie started to get mad... you could hear it in her voice that she was trying to contain, suppress, and control herself...also, when she started to get upset you could see the 'deer in headlghts' look that davia got on her face. I had it recorded so i watched it several times..Luckily for Davia monster tammie was able to keep from getting irate. But i'll never forget how strained Tammie sounded trying to not blow up on davia for simply trying to make 'monster mom' feel better. Personally, I don't know if Tammie can change...
 
May 12, 2009, 8:18 pm CDT

05/12 How to Be a Better Parent, Part 3

Quote From: shelly_80

I happen to totally agree with you 100% here.  When Tammie slung her head back crying like a 5 year old who didn't get her way.  I wanted so badly to jerk her up and say "CONTROL YOURSELF!"   Not only is she a basket case, but a DRAMA QUEEN, as well.  I emphasize drama queen for obvious reasons.
I also do think she was a faker she had no tears, but I thought there was something wrong with her when she frist started talking to Dr. Phil, because its not ok that she cant stand her daughter but she can her other kids i knew it had to be her and not her daughter. And I do bet it has something with her ex husband.
 
May 12, 2009, 9:53 pm CDT

My plead for Tammie to seek the professional help needed...

I was distraught and upset when I watched how Tammie treated her daughter, Davia. It was so heart wrenching. It broke my heart to see this little girl subjected to this treatment. What is this mother thinking when she is emotionally abusing this child. It is quite obvious at times the mother is unable to control her emotions but you would think at one point it would hit home what she is putting her daughter through. The look of fear on her little girl's face is not something you could forget. I hope this child will be closely monitored when she leaves for home. I strongly hope and pray that Tammie receives the therapy that is required. This abuse has got to end today. I could add more thoughts and feeling on it but I know the situation is certainly in capable hands. Thanks Dr. Phil...Your show is certainly needed for the exposure, education, and opening doors for so many people to get the much needed help.
 
May 12, 2009, 10:12 pm CDT

poor davia

I think it is nothing less than pure evil when a parent takes all their problems and frustrations out on their children just because they are easy targets.  IT IS TRULY DISPICABLE THE WAY SHE DEGRADES AND MAKES FUN OF HER CHILD.  EVEN THOUGH SHE SAYS SHE NEEDS TO FIX HERSELF, i STILL THINK SHE BELIEVES ITS HER CHIDS PROBLEM FOR EVERYTHING AND i have no hope that she will change a thing when they go back home so I HOPE Dr. Phil keeps in touch with this family so that child can be rescued from that horrible abuse.

 

 

peace,

Cat

 
May 13, 2009, 12:15 am CDT

Sure are a lot of perfect parents on this board!

I was shocked by the video of Tammy berating her daughter. But I'm equally shocked by the harsh and judgmental responses on this board. You would think there is no one who saw this show who ever yelled at their kid, lost their temper or said things they wish they could have taken back. And still some of these people are saying they wanted to slap Tammy, would like to take her out and knock her around, or would take her child away even when she has gone to great lengths to try to get help (including publicly exposing her own bad behavior and inner feelings many of us would never want to admit to having).
What's really surprising in light of all this is how many people say they were the victims of abuse themselves, and obviously still hold enormous unresolved rage toward their own parents -- yet they NEVER raised their voice, much less their hand, to their kid. Sorry, this survivor of abuse ain't buying what you're selling.
Look, I'm in total agreement with being real about what this was -- extreme emotional/verbal abuse -- and with drawing the line on it, as Dr. Phil did on the show. He said loud and clear he would NOT allow it to continue. I trust that -- even though I don't believe this is a problem that will be resolved in a few short weeks in the Dr. Phil House. I think he's going to be following this family for quite a while.
But didn't any of you fellow abuse survivors stop to consider how Tammy got to this point, i.e., that she is more than likely a victim of abuse herself? Does that make it okay for her to abuse her own child? Of course, not! But could we have a modicum of compassion for the broken child inside that adult's body and see that she needs professional help and our empathy -- rather than another heaping of rejection, scorn, name-calling and even threats (i.e., verbal and emotional abuse)?!
Heck, she even has my respect in one sense -- my own abusive mother would never have admitted there was anything wrong in her "oh so, externally perfect" family, much less gone on national TV to let everyone see her at her most vicious and out of control moments. She would never have sought help, as Tammy has; never apologized, as Tammy did; never accepted an iota of personal responsibility for the situation, as Tammy is. Does that mean she is cured? Again, of course not. This hurting family has a long road to hoe before that happens.

And do those of you so quick to say Davia should be taken away have any idea what you're asking for? If you think hearing words (that from what I've seen of the show, were not directed to the child, but were an honest, though painful, answer to Dr. Phil's question about how Tammy was feeling inside) about thinking her child was a mistake is something that will injure that child irreparably (I'm sure it will hurt deeply; I'm not ready to believe that this problem is yet irreparable), then think about how damaging it would be to actually have your mother give you away. Or to be taken forcibly from the very parent from whom Davia is so desperately craving love and affection. And be sent where? For a kid that old, probably a group home. Even if a foster home, though some are quite loving and much needed respites from physical and sexual abuse, we've all heard the horror stories of situations where a child is more badly abused (even killed) in the care of the state or a foster parent than they were in the home from which they were removed.
Finally, while Tammy was clearly over the top here and Davia seems in many ways to be a sweet, reasonably well behaved child (I couldn't help but be moved by her efforts to comfort her mother), remember we haven't seen it all. While parents have a duty to be the adults and refrain from abuse, kids (even ostensibly sweet ones) have ways of punching all your buttons. Two of the hardest things I've had to deal with in managing my own emotions and behavior toward my kid are (1) tone of voice (I wouldn't have a tooth left in my mouth if I spoke to my parents in the disrespectful tone and language my daughter often uses toward me and she did NOT learn that in our household; and (2) intentional , manipulative nonresponsiveness. So you start off asking in a civil, even friendly tone of voice, for your kid to please turn the TV off and do their homework, which the know full well is the house rule, and they totally ignore you. You repeat the request and are still ignored or treated to a snarled, "In a minute." Asking if they could rephrase that more respectfully (again the house rule) is greeted with silence and an eye roll. Now you go over and turn the TV off yourself, but there is still no movement toward doing homework. You're either ignored or get a flounce and trounce off to the bedroom where the door is slammed and behind which you can hear the sound of music, not homework. Eventually, you find yourself screaming, and then hate the sound of your own voice yelling at your "sweet kid."

It's pre-teen/teen behavior, you tell yourself, and we all hope we never succumb to the name-calling and bullying harangue Tammy fell into. But let's not let the "sweet kids" completely off the hook here.

It's even worse if you live in a separated family, where one parent runs an extremely lax ship and anytime you try to enforce a modicum of discipline, your kid screams they hate you and can't wait to go back to the other parent.

I, for one, am really anxious for Dr. Phil to move on from the "we've screwed up stage," to the "how we fix it stage. I realize you can't do the second without doing the first, but I think most of these parents -- and many of us -- are well past that point. We know we've screwed up, we know things are going to get worse if we don't make them better, we just don't have a clue as to how to get there.

For the rest of you perfect parents out there, keeping on beating up on Tammy if it gives you pleasure! She's an easy target and it sure takes the focus of your own shortcomings (as if you had an
 
May 13, 2009, 5:37 am CDT

05/12 How to Be a Better Parent, Part 3

Quote From: shelly_80

So, you think being on the show itself will damage Davia? It very well might, anything is possible.  I don't think things are going to be "easy" for her in the next while, but  I think being on the show is probably what saved her life because no one can help until they are made aware of the situation.

 

I think Davia's friends and peers finding out how her mother really feels about her was a small price to pay to stop her abuse.  Dr. Phil said himself, he WILL NOT allow it to continue. Not to mention, in his line of work, he's required to report any and all cases of abuse to the authorites.  I do agree, any judge in their right mind wouldn't think twice about removing her from Tammie's custody, atleast while Tammie is getting the help she needs. Unfortunately, there's a lot of things that need to be taken into consideration before a judge can make his or her final decision.  I don't like it either but that's the way the "justice system" works. 

I have seen many many....too many shows where Dr Phil should've reported parents to local children and youth agencies so they could be monitored, but he hasn't.  So, I had to laugh that he suddenly becomes outraged and started talking about his duties as a professional...he's failed them with other children time and time again.
 
May 13, 2009, 5:41 am CDT

05/12 How to Be a Better Parent, Part 3

Quote From: shelly_80

What shouldn't be happening on television with millions watching?  The fact that's happening at all, or the fact that it's publicized?  I don't mean to sound rude, I'm just trying to find out which side of the fence you're on.
It's horrifying that this poor child is going through what she is...that she is brought on television to deal with this issue in front of millions instead of privately is unethical. The child has been abused by her mother..now she'll have to face a public...she shouldn't have to deal with all those ramifications...this could've been dealt with "off the air." The child can't make an informed decision about having something so private appear as fodder for television.
 
May 13, 2009, 8:33 am CDT

05/12 How to Be a Better Parent, Part 3

Quote From: hoopsgal

I was shocked by the video of Tammy berating her daughter. But I'm equally shocked by the harsh and judgmental responses on this board. You would think there is no one who saw this show who ever yelled at their kid, lost their temper or said things they wish they could have taken back. And still some of these people are saying they wanted to slap Tammy, would like to take her out and knock her around, or would take her child away even when she has gone to great lengths to try to get help (including publicly exposing her own bad behavior and inner feelings many of us would never want to admit to having).
What's really surprising in light of all this is how many people say they were the victims of abuse themselves, and obviously still hold enormous unresolved rage toward their own parents -- yet they NEVER raised their voice, much less their hand, to their kid. Sorry, this survivor of abuse ain't buying what you're selling.
Look, I'm in total agreement with being real about what this was -- extreme emotional/verbal abuse -- and with drawing the line on it, as Dr. Phil did on the show. He said loud and clear he would NOT allow it to continue. I trust that -- even though I don't believe this is a problem that will be resolved in a few short weeks in the Dr. Phil House. I think he's going to be following this family for quite a while.
But didn't any of you fellow abuse survivors stop to consider how Tammy got to this point, i.e., that she is more than likely a victim of abuse herself? Does that make it okay for her to abuse her own child? Of course, not! But could we have a modicum of compassion for the broken child inside that adult's body and see that she needs professional help and our empathy -- rather than another heaping of rejection, scorn, name-calling and even threats (i.e., verbal and emotional abuse)?!
Heck, she even has my respect in one sense -- my own abusive mother would never have admitted there was anything wrong in her "oh so, externally perfect" family, much less gone on national TV to let everyone see her at her most vicious and out of control moments. She would never have sought help, as Tammy has; never apologized, as Tammy did; never accepted an iota of personal responsibility for the situation, as Tammy is. Does that mean she is cured? Again, of course not. This hurting family has a long road to hoe before that happens.

And do those of you so quick to say Davia should be taken away have any idea what you're asking for? If you think hearing words (that from what I've seen of the show, were not directed to the child, but were an honest, though painful, answer to Dr. Phil's question about how Tammy was feeling inside) about thinking her child was a mistake is something that will injure that child irreparably (I'm sure it will hurt deeply; I'm not ready to believe that this problem is yet irreparable), then think about how damaging it would be to actually have your mother give you away. Or to be taken forcibly from the very parent from whom Davia is so desperately craving love and affection. And be sent where? For a kid that old, probably a group home. Even if a foster home, though some are quite loving and much needed respites from physical and sexual abuse, we've all heard the horror stories of situations where a child is more badly abused (even killed) in the care of the state or a foster parent than they were in the home from which they were removed.
Finally, while Tammy was clearly over the top here and Davia seems in many ways to be a sweet, reasonably well behaved child (I couldn't help but be moved by her efforts to comfort her mother), remember we haven't seen it all. While parents have a duty to be the adults and refrain from abuse, kids (even ostensibly sweet ones) have ways of punching all your buttons. Two of the hardest things I've had to deal with in managing my own emotions and behavior toward my kid are (1) tone of voice (I wouldn't have a tooth left in my mouth if I spoke to my parents in the disrespectful tone and language my daughter often uses toward me and she did NOT learn that in our household; and (2) intentional , manipulative nonresponsiveness. So you start off asking in a civil, even friendly tone of voice, for your kid to please turn the TV off and do their homework, which the know full well is the house rule, and they totally ignore you. You repeat the request and are still ignored or treated to a snarled, "In a minute." Asking if they could rephrase that more respectfully (again the house rule) is greeted with silence and an eye roll. Now you go over and turn the TV off yourself, but there is still no movement toward doing homework. You're either ignored or get a flounce and trounce off to the bedroom where the door is slammed and behind which you can hear the sound of music, not homework. Eventually, you find yourself screaming, and then hate the sound of your own voice yelling at your "sweet kid."

It's pre-teen/teen behavior, you tell yourself, and we all hope we never succumb to the name-calling and bullying harangue Tammy fell into. But let's not let the "sweet kids" completely off the hook here.

It's even worse if you live in a separated family, where one parent runs an extremely lax ship and anytime you try to enforce a modicum of discipline, your kid screams they hate you and can't wait to go back to the other parent.

I, for one, am really anxious for Dr. Phil to move on from the "we've screwed up stage," to the "how we fix it stage. I realize you can't do the second without doing the first, but I think most of these parents -- and many of us -- are well past that point. We know we've screwed up, we know things are going to get worse if we don't make them better, we just don't have a clue as to how to get there.

For the rest of you perfect parents out there, keeping on beating up on Tammy if it gives you pleasure! She's an easy target and it sure takes the focus of your own shortcomings (as if you had an

Yeah, you've got it twiiiiisted. No one has claimed to be the perfect parent.You say we're judgemental- look we're just telling it like it is from an EXPERIENCE point of view. Most people on here, like myself, have been a victim to a parent like TAMMIE. WE KNOW the damage it does. You are judging Tammie just as much as we are, you're just coming to a different conclusion. So get your head out of your ass and call a spade a spade.

 

You're making tammie out to be  a frustrated mom that lost it. she lost her cool just like any other parent and said some 'uncool' things.

 

Wrong.

 

Dr.Phil even said something along the lines that 'everytime tammie opens her mouth that THAT is waht davia hears'.

 

that is horrible.

 

tammie is unprovoked and just rips into and demeans davia.

 

unprovoked.

 

if you feel comfortable defending her, then there is something wrong with you.

 

No one on here has claimed to be perfect. But you're sooooooooooo right! We all want to beat up on tammie because we are such bullies that it gives us sooo much pleasure to pick on her. We are such bad people that we choose to focus on her shortcomings rather than our own...

 

its the same old bs about people that say anything mean about anyone else.

 

yes, we must be bullies, and you must be a moron.

 

anyone that can defend tammie is OUT TO LUNCH. Everything that we said can be backed up by FACT. Something CONCRETE that was said or seen on the episode. Yet you sit there on YOUR ivory tower judging a group of people you've never met.

 

 you're dilusional.

 
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