Quote From: hoopsgalI was shocked by the video of Tammy berating her daughter. But I'm equally shocked by the harsh and judgmental responses on this board. You would think there is no one who saw this show who ever yelled at their kid, lost their temper or said things they wish they could have taken back. And still some of these people are saying they wanted to slap Tammy, would like to take her out and knock her around, or would take her child away even when she has gone to great lengths to try to get help (including publicly exposing her own bad behavior and inner feelings many of us would never want to admit to having).
What's really surprising in light of all this is how many people say they were the victims of abuse themselves, and obviously still hold enormous unresolved rage toward their own parents -- yet they NEVER raised their voice, much less their hand, to their kid. Sorry, this survivor of abuse ain't buying what you're selling.
Look, I'm in total agreement with being real about what this was -- extreme emotional/verbal abuse -- and with drawing the line on it, as Dr. Phil did on the show. He said loud and clear he would NOT allow it to continue. I trust that -- even though I don't believe this is a problem that will be resolved in a few short weeks in the Dr. Phil House. I think he's going to be following this family for quite a while.
But didn't any of you fellow abuse survivors stop to consider how Tammy got to this point, i.e., that she is more than likely a victim of abuse herself? Does that make it okay for her to abuse her own child? Of course, not! But could we have a modicum of compassion for the broken child inside that adult's body and see that she needs professional help and our empathy -- rather than another heaping of rejection, scorn, name-calling and even threats (i.e., verbal and emotional abuse)?!
Heck, she even has my respect in one sense -- my own abusive mother would never have admitted there was anything wrong in her "oh so, externally perfect" family, much less gone on national TV to let everyone see her at her most vicious and out of control moments. She would never have sought help, as Tammy has; never apologized, as Tammy did; never accepted an iota of personal responsibility for the situation, as Tammy is. Does that mean she is cured? Again, of course not. This hurting family has a long road to hoe before that happens.
And do those of you so quick to say Davia should be taken away have any idea what you're asking for? If you think hearing words (that from what I've seen of the show, were not directed to the child, but were an honest, though painful, answer to Dr. Phil's question about how Tammy was feeling inside) about thinking her child was a mistake is something that will injure that child irreparably (I'm sure it will hurt deeply; I'm not ready to believe that this problem is yet irreparable), then think about how damaging it would be to actually have your mother give you away. Or to be taken forcibly from the very parent from whom Davia is so desperately craving love and affection. And be sent where? For a kid that old, probably a group home. Even if a foster home, though some are quite loving and much needed respites from physical and sexual abuse, we've all heard the horror stories of situations where a child is more badly abused (even killed) in the care of the state or a foster parent than they were in the home from which they were removed.
Finally, while Tammy was clearly over the top here and Davia seems in many ways to be a sweet, reasonably well behaved child (I couldn't help but be moved by her efforts to comfort her mother), remember we haven't seen it all. While parents have a duty to be the adults and refrain from abuse, kids (even ostensibly sweet ones) have ways of punching all your buttons. Two of the hardest things I've had to deal with in managing my own emotions and behavior toward my kid are (1) tone of voice (I wouldn't have a tooth left in my mouth if I spoke to my parents in the disrespectful tone and language my daughter often uses toward me and she did NOT learn that in our household; and (2) intentional , manipulative nonresponsiveness. So you start off asking in a civil, even friendly tone of voice, for your kid to please turn the TV off and do their homework, which the know full well is the house rule, and they totally ignore you. You repeat the request and are still ignored or treated to a snarled, "In a minute." Asking if they could rephrase that more respectfully (again the house rule) is greeted with silence and an eye roll. Now you go over and turn the TV off yourself, but there is still no movement toward doing homework. You're either ignored or get a flounce and trounce off to the bedroom where the door is slammed and behind which you can hear the sound of music, not homework. Eventually, you find yourself screaming, and then hate the sound of your own voice yelling at your "sweet kid."
It's pre-teen/teen behavior, you tell yourself, and we all hope we never succumb to the name-calling and bullying harangue Tammy fell into. But let's not let the "sweet kids" completely off the hook here.
It's even worse if you live in a separated family, where one parent runs an extremely lax ship and anytime you try to enforce a modicum of discipline, your kid screams they hate you and can't wait to go back to the other parent.
I, for one, am really anxious for Dr. Phil to move on from the "we've screwed up stage," to the "how we fix it stage. I realize you can't do the second without doing the first, but I think most of these parents -- and many of us -- are well past that point. We know we've screwed up, we know things are going to get worse if we don't make them better, we just don't have a clue as to how to get there.
For the rest of you perfect parents out there, keeping on beating up on Tammy if it gives you pleasure! She's an easy target and it sure takes the focus of your own shortcomings (as if you had an
Yeah, you've got it twiiiiisted. No one has claimed to be the perfect parent.You say we're judgemental- look we're just telling it like it is from an EXPERIENCE point of view. Most people on here, like myself, have been a victim to a parent like TAMMIE. WE KNOW the damage it does. You are judging Tammie just as much as we are, you're just coming to a different conclusion. So get your head out of your ass and call a spade a spade.
You're making tammie out to be a frustrated mom that lost it. she lost her cool just like any other parent and said some 'uncool' things.
Wrong.
Dr.Phil even said something along the lines that 'everytime tammie opens her mouth that THAT is waht davia hears'.
that is horrible.
tammie is unprovoked and just rips into and demeans davia.
unprovoked.
if you feel comfortable defending her, then there is something wrong with you.
No one on here has claimed to be perfect. But you're sooooooooooo right! We all want to beat up on tammie because we are such bullies that it gives us sooo much pleasure to pick on her. We are such bad people that we choose to focus on her shortcomings rather than our own...
its the same old bs about people that say anything mean about anyone else.
yes, we must be bullies, and you must be a moron.
anyone that can defend tammie is OUT TO LUNCH. Everything that we said can be backed up by FACT. Something CONCRETE that was said or seen on the episode. Yet you sit there on YOUR ivory tower judging a group of people you've never met.
you're dilusional.
Dr. Phil continues his work with four families who are tired of the fighting and chaos in their home and are striving to create peace. One of the parents in the house, Tammie, recorded home video of an argument with her daughter, Davia. After watching it, Dr. Phil doesn’t mince words when he tells Tammie how he believes she is scarring her daughter. What is at the root of Tammie's resentment and contempt? And, Dr. Phil warns one parent about what he’s doing that could drive his daughters to turn to other male figures for love and attention. If you’re the father of a preteen daughter, don’t miss Dr. Phil's words of warning! Then, a role-playing exercise offers a different perspective for the parents and the kids. Will seeing themselves portrayed by their family members open their eyes, or just add more fuel to the fire? Plus, see a trust exercise that gives insight into communication problems and parenting pitfalls. If you want to learn how to create a peaceful home and a phenomenal family, follow these parents! Join the discussion.
