Topic : 05/26 How to Be a Better Parent, Part 4

Just as I suspected, Tammie is still the pig-headed witch she was in part 1.  If I'm not mistaken, I think it was part 3 that Tammie took Davia into the timeout room to texplain to Davia that none of it was her fault and Tammie needed to change hersself.  I wanted to believe she was sincere but now I know it was just for show.  She's trying  to convince everyone that she's "trying," but all I see is her going-through-the-motions.  

The more I watch, the madder I get!  When "Mommy Dearest" and Davia where wrinting their contracts, it is so plain to see Davia is starving for just the smallest amount of attention from that ridiculous excuse for a mother, a human for that matter.  Davia couldn't even get her to agree to "sometimes."  It's sad when a child has to walk on eggshells just to get attention and affection from her mother.  It's even more pathetic on the mother's part!   

Back to the contracts, Davia couldn't get her mom to agree to any of her requests.  Is Tammie that much of a coward that she would have to ask her daughter if they could "leave that one out?"  I don't think it's that she doesn't love Davia, it's that she's afraid she might actually start loving the child to whom she gave birth.  She despises her because "that man" is Davia's father, but that isn't Davia's fault.  Like I've said before, Davia didn't ask to be conceived; that was a decision Tammie and Davia's dad made that fateful night.  I've never seen someone quite like Tammie!  She was so close to Davia reqest for getting help with homework, then she quickly realized what she'd don't and said,  "Oh. I've got to work ."  She is using work as her excuse to be away from Davia.  Dr. Phil you better hold Tammie's feet to fire.  She's being let off too easy and I'm fed up with this woman!  She needs to WOMAN UP! 

I really feel for this very angry mom. I think it is a good step that she realized that she is reacting badly when her daughter reminds her of her ex-husband. Clearly, there is no link between the personality of her ex and her daughter, but I think this is one of her worst fears. I think she feels trapped with some element that her daughter represents. She sure she's not free of it and she has focused this dread on her daughter. Some other relationship or experience from childhood was the source of this trapped feeling. 

My question for her would be: What in your past reminds you of this feeling? Was someone else just like your ex when you were growing up? It could have been a mom, dad, sibling...that made you feel trapped/angry/whatever in just the same way. This is the issue that you need to focus on.

My hope for this mom is that she spends a lot of time validating her negative feelings about her daughter (and eventually the original experience). I  would like to see her wallow in these feelings for days, because I think they need to have a voice. It is okay to feel these feelings,....it is not okay to voice them in any shape or form to this innocent child. Instead, take responsiblity for your feelings, they are yours.

My suggestion for getting closer to the problem: Ask your daughter in small ways and very nicely to give you some space. This is good practice. Your daughter will not respond in a favorable way. Be okay with that, suffer the pain of that and move on. You have just learned how to ask nicely for something and handle not getting it. As a child, this may have been a very painful experience for you. But you are grown now and you have other ways to talk yourself through the pain. What ever pain comes up is the pain you should take to therapy. 

There is a reason you feel angry. Don't let people encourage you to force yourself into playing nice. This may have been the exact thing that you felt forced to do as a child. There are reasons to "play nice", but you need to have some serious "buy in" otherwise you are victimizing yourself. Then you feel angry and take it out on others. Isn't having an innocent child the ultimate obligation to "play nice"?

I sincerely hope this was helpful. Of course, never substitute my judgement for your own :) Please know that I see your potential for resolving your anger. I know that if one scrambles up your very sturdy wall, the view from on top will quickly reveal a very compassion person. 

I am truly heartbroken for this child.  Davia's future is bleak if she continues to live with her torturer.  It is clear that Tammie is incabable of loving this beautiful child who is desperate for her mothers love.

Tammie assasinated this childs character at ever turn. 

Tammie is not only incabable of loving Davia but derives great satisfaction and pleasure from hurting her and is clearly unwilling to give up her whipping post.

I wonder if Tammie tortured animals as a child.

Is there no one in this child's life who can come to her rescue? Family, friends, anyone?

Hey Tammie, I heard there might be openings at Abu ghraib.