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Topic : 08/09 Ask Dr. Phil and Robin

Number of Replies: 13
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Created on : Friday, August 05, 2005, 05:32:50 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original air date 04/12/05) Lisa's heart is breaking at the thought of her youngest child leaving for college in the fall. But could she be sabotaging her daughter so that Mom will always be needed? Robin has advice for dealing with the empty nest blues. Then, Velda lies awake at night worrying about her beautiful, successful, happy 30-year-old daughter, who has yet to find a husband. What will it take for Velda to back off? Next, it will take nothing short of a stretcher to get Kim to see a doctor! With Robin by her side, she becomes empowered to manage her health. Talk about the show here.

 

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August 9, 2005, 11:40 am CDT

funny how relevant this show is to me this week

When this show first aired, I remember being appalled at the clinginess of the mom but today, as I help my baby pack for college, my separation anxiety is in direct proportion to his excitement at almost being ready to leave my nest. 

  

From the time my son was born, I knew he'd one day be going away to school. In fact, as he was identified gifted and excelled in everything he did, we knew he'd be the first doctor or lawyer in the family. It's cute how confident we are as parents as we're mapping out our child's life. He was 15 when he decided he was a stand up comic. A phase.... we assumed it was one of those lovely daydreams. He used his own money to take the bus into the city to perform (for free) at comedy club open mic's. He spent hours a day writing material and called local restaurants & coffee houses to ask for some stage time, convining them that they didn't even need a stage. He started a comedy group at his high school and it became apparent that this was more than a daydream. He is a stand up comedian and there's nothing he or we can do about it except support it and hope it brings him happiness. He found a college with a 2 yr. comedy program and was quickly accepted.  

  

It struck me about a week ago as I bought him a new bedspread and dishes that sometimes, they don't come home. I was stunned at the thought since I'm expecting him to come home for every holiday (and weekend) and to live here during the summer but I know that his course choice means that he will probably end up sharing an apartment with a bunch of kids in the big city during the summer so he can continue to perform.  

  

Every day that brings me closer to "losing him" makes me a bit more crazy. Suddenly, I'm asking him if he'll call me every day,  "Uh, I don't think so mom" and if he'll make sure to always have msn on... I'm not that kind of mom!!! I know he's ready and I thought I was ready but it seems I have a bit more growing up to do. Hopefully, I won't go over the edge but if I do, at least I know I'll be giving him fodder for his act *lol* 

 
August 10, 2005, 2:20 pm CDT

Not to be critical of Robin, but...

 it seems like she's invested so much of herself in her two sons that she hasn't developed any hobbies to fill her time now that the youngest has left for college. I've seen this happen to so many people. Those whose children have become their whole lives don't know what to do with their time once that last child has left home. And, I've seen the same thing happen to those whose job became their whole life. Once retired, they're miserable because they've never developed a hobby to pass the time. 
 
August 10, 2005, 3:02 pm CDT

08/09 Ask Dr. Phil and Robin

I just wanted to respond to the wife who wants her hubby to shave the mustache. My hubby has one and I absolutely love it. I have never seen him with out one other then some older pictures of him but I think he looks handsome and I kiss on him all the time. I wouldn't ask my hubby to shave it off and hopefully he won't ever want to, but if he wanted to, I wouldn't fuss about it, I would miss the mustache but I love him much more then that. I think you should let your husband be comfortable with who he is, if he doesn't want to shave it then don't talk him into it, Love and respect him.
 
August 11, 2005, 6:47 pm CDT

letting go

Quote From: cinemaven

When this show first aired, I remember being appalled at the clinginess of the mom but today, as I help my baby pack for college, my separation anxiety is in direct proportion to his excitement at almost being ready to leave my nest. 

  

From the time my son was born, I knew he'd one day be going away to school. In fact, as he was identified gifted and excelled in everything he did, we knew he'd be the first doctor or lawyer in the family. It's cute how confident we are as parents as we're mapping out our child's life. He was 15 when he decided he was a stand up comic. A phase.... we assumed it was one of those lovely daydreams. He used his own money to take the bus into the city to perform (for free) at comedy club open mic's. He spent hours a day writing material and called local restaurants & coffee houses to ask for some stage time, convining them that they didn't even need a stage. He started a comedy group at his high school and it became apparent that this was more than a daydream. He is a stand up comedian and there's nothing he or we can do about it except support it and hope it brings him happiness. He found a college with a 2 yr. comedy program and was quickly accepted.  

  

It struck me about a week ago as I bought him a new bedspread and dishes that sometimes, they don't come home. I was stunned at the thought since I'm expecting him to come home for every holiday (and weekend) and to live here during the summer but I know that his course choice means that he will probably end up sharing an apartment with a bunch of kids in the big city during the summer so he can continue to perform.  

  

Every day that brings me closer to "losing him" makes me a bit more crazy. Suddenly, I'm asking him if he'll call me every day,  "Uh, I don't think so mom" and if he'll make sure to always have msn on... I'm not that kind of mom!!! I know he's ready and I thought I was ready but it seems I have a bit more growing up to do. Hopefully, I won't go over the edge but if I do, at least I know I'll be giving him fodder for his act *lol* 

I faced this three years ago, our eldest decided to move into the city to be nearer work and University. He's been home for short periods while moving apartments etc since. Occasionally I do miss our long late night discussions on hugely varied topics. But the great thing is, I raised an adult... he's doing wonderfully as I knew he would. He calls when he feels like talking, he drops by for dinner when he can. He's one txt message away if something urgent comes up.  

Since he left home, our eldest daughter has moved out, and the next one down is now looking for her own place. It's the way it should be, its so exciting watching them take on the world! And I now have way more time to move my career forward.  

In some ways I think we all appreciate each other more. We really enjoy the times the entire family is together. Birthdays are a big deal in our house, everyone comes home and brings respective partners or friends... with 6 kids (we can have a party all by ourselves, lol) its noisy, its fun, there is much laughter.  

I'm not sure what it will be like when the last one leaves home its not something that bothers me at all. I have plenty to keep me occupied! (and its not like they don't gravitate back home at times or like there's any danger of me getting out of baking birthday cakes in the near future!! hmmm only four more birthdays till Christmas!) 

  

  

  

 
August 12, 2005, 12:39 pm CDT

Temporary insanity

Quote From: bluewolf

I faced this three years ago, our eldest decided to move into the city to be nearer work and University. He's been home for short periods while moving apartments etc since. Occasionally I do miss our long late night discussions on hugely varied topics. But the great thing is, I raised an adult... he's doing wonderfully as I knew he would. He calls when he feels like talking, he drops by for dinner when he can. He's one txt message away if something urgent comes up.  

Since he left home, our eldest daughter has moved out, and the next one down is now looking for her own place. It's the way it should be, its so exciting watching them take on the world! And I now have way more time to move my career forward.  

In some ways I think we all appreciate each other more. We really enjoy the times the entire family is together. Birthdays are a big deal in our house, everyone comes home and brings respective partners or friends... with 6 kids (we can have a party all by ourselves, lol) its noisy, its fun, there is much laughter.  

I'm not sure what it will be like when the last one leaves home its not something that bothers me at all. I have plenty to keep me occupied! (and its not like they don't gravitate back home at times or like there's any danger of me getting out of baking birthday cakes in the near future!! hmmm only four more birthdays till Christmas!) 

  

  

  

This is all such a recent development for me. I'm excited and happy for my son and these feelings I'm having are ALL ABOUT ME *lol*. I know he'll do well. I know we did a great job preparing him to leave the nest and I still have a chick left but it's the uncertainty of these days leading up to "losing him" that are causing me so much bother. The longest he's ever been away was 9 days and I didn't much care for that. I'll miss having him around every day. I'll really miss those latenight talks that have become such a staple for us this past year and I'll even miss going into the fridge to find that he's drank the milk right down to a drip and put the container back in.  

  

I guess we have to face a few things about ourselves at times like these. For me, I have to make sure I don't start smothering my li'l guy and I have to remember that I'm a whole person living a great life so letting my son get on with his life should be a proud moment for me, not something to mourn but there's still a bit of mourning because this past year, getting to know this boy turned to a man has been amazing and it feels like it's too soon.  

  

I do know I won't be one of "those" mothers. He has a friend who went to college last year and her mom leased the apartment for her and kept a key. She turned up several times a week to do laundry and clean and just hang out. It was excruciating for her daughter. I won't be hangin' out *lol*. I'll talk to him on msn and I'll let him decide when he needs to come home without making him feel guilty about being away.  

  

I think/hope that I'll have the same positive experience you've had. Home is a happy place so I believe he'll want to visit and I'm sure he'll miss us a li'l bit too. 

 
August 12, 2005, 12:53 pm CDT

I don't think that's necessarily so..

Quote From: ramair

 it seems like she's invested so much of herself in her two sons that she hasn't developed any hobbies to fill her time now that the youngest has left for college. I've seen this happen to so many people. Those whose children have become their whole lives don't know what to do with their time once that last child has left home. And, I've seen the same thing happen to those whose job became their whole life. Once retired, they're miserable because they've never developed a hobby to pass the time. 

I'm going through much the same thing as Robin and my life is about full to bursting. 

  

I'm a freelance writer and have had articles published in national books and magazines, I'm a content writer for 17 websites and a small business owner so I work about 23 hours a day. I'm an active board member on 2 community boards and as a former politician, I seem to always be at some dinner or award night. I've never had a year since I had children that I haven't taken at least 1 college course and my husband and I have a pretty awesome relationship. We were married for 7 years before we had children so we had the blessing of having a fully formed relationship before we turned into parents and I know not having our 2 boys at home won't cause a problem in our relationship. 

  

I don't have a hobby but only because I have no time to pass *lol*  

  

I structured my life so I could be a stay home mom. My business allows me to work around all the things we do together and I'd rather be at a school play than a dinner but my life as a separate adult is rich, it's just that my life as a mom and wife is richer. I doubt I'd be such a good mom if I wasn't a happy woman and I'll be a happy woman after both my boys go off to college but it doesn't make the transition and the letting go any easier.  

 
August 12, 2005, 12:55 pm CDT

I don't think that's necessarily so..

Quote From: ramair

 it seems like she's invested so much of herself in her two sons that she hasn't developed any hobbies to fill her time now that the youngest has left for college. I've seen this happen to so many people. Those whose children have become their whole lives don't know what to do with their time once that last child has left home. And, I've seen the same thing happen to those whose job became their whole life. Once retired, they're miserable because they've never developed a hobby to pass the time. 

I'm going through much the same thing as Robin and my life is about full to bursting. 

  

I'm a freelance writer and have had articles published in national books and magazines, I'm a content writer for 17 websites and a small business owner so I work about 23 hours a day. I'm an active board member on 2 community boards and as a former politician, I seem to always be at some dinner or award night. I've never had a year since I had children that I haven't taken at least 1 college course and my husband and I have a pretty awesome relationship. We were married for 7 years before we had children so we had the blessing of having a fully formed relationship before we turned into parents and I know not having our 2 boys at home won't cause a problem in our relationship. 

  

I don't have a hobby but only because I have no time to pass *lol*  

  

I structured my life so I could be a stay home mom. My business allows me to work around all the things we do together and I'd rather be at a school play than a dinner but my life as a separate adult is rich, it's just that my life as a mom and wife is richer. I doubt I'd be such a good mom if I wasn't a happy woman and I'll be a happy woman after both my boys go off to college but it doesn't make the transition and the letting go any easier.  

 
August 12, 2005, 10:17 pm CDT

Your mistake, not Robins

Quote From: ramair

 it seems like she's invested so much of herself in her two sons that she hasn't developed any hobbies to fill her time now that the youngest has left for college. I've seen this happen to so many people. Those whose children have become their whole lives don't know what to do with their time once that last child has left home. And, I've seen the same thing happen to those whose job became their whole life. Once retired, they're miserable because they've never developed a hobby to pass the time. 

I don't think it's possible that Robin invested too much of herself in her kids....#1 Dr. Phil would probably have gently guided her away from that, and #2 I don't think there's much credence in "too much time" or "to big an investment" when it comes to your kids.  Too many families have, for the past 2 or 3 decades, been too willing to give up their parenting duties/skills to teachers at school. After all, "that's what teachers are trained for".  B.S.  Teachers are trained to teach, not to parent all the children of everyone else.  And if parents are not willing or able to invest a lot of themselves and their time in the children they give birth to, they should probably have been on better birth control.  Having children irresponsibly is as bad as parenting irresponsibly. 

  

While I raised my kids for 18 years by myself (and ex-hubby did not even contribute support money), many of my friends, most of whom parented in two-parent homes, told me constantly that I was too overprotective of my kids, that I was too strict, I didn't give them enough space to grow or grow up.  More B.S.  Out of about 8 families that I was close to in the neighborhood, my kids were the only ones who never spent a night in juvenile hall, never acquired a police record, graduated on time, learned to drive a stick-shift, paid their own auto insurance (or didn't drive...their choice), never even got a traffic ticket and are now in their mid-thirties.  They are excellent, responsible, mature adults.  They are also very grateful that I raised them the way I did, and they tell me several times each year how thankful they are that I didn't pay attention to them or the other people.  I went from being the "meanest mom in the whole world" for several years, to being the wisest, smartest, most gifted parent ever made. That is, according to my kids now. 

  

So, leave Robin alone.  She'll do fine.  She has other things to do, and will do them when she has free time.  And yes, she, like me, will continue to worry about the kids, even into their 30's; because that's what MOMs do.  

  

 
August 15, 2005, 7:22 pm CDT

08/09 Ask Dr. Phil and Robin

Quote From: ramair

 it seems like she's invested so much of herself in her two sons that she hasn't developed any hobbies to fill her time now that the youngest has left for college. I've seen this happen to so many people. Those whose children have become their whole lives don't know what to do with their time once that last child has left home. And, I've seen the same thing happen to those whose job became their whole life. Once retired, they're miserable because they've never developed a hobby to pass the time. 
I think Robin is too smart to become miserable. It looks to me like she has been a great mom to her boys and will continue to do so even though they are both out of the house, Sure she will miss having her son there, and may even feel a void, what good parent wouldn't? but I believe she will invest her time and energy wisely. My children are still young, so I have a long while before I have to worry about them leaving home but as a stay at home mom myself, I believe investing my time and energy in my chidlren is the greatest thing I can do at this point, they are my children (and hubbys) and it is up to us as parents to make sure they are taken care of properly and when they are ready to get out on their own they will be well prepared. certainly not gonna let the "world" prepare them! I think Robin will not only find time to care for her boys even at this stage of life, she will also find other things in life to fill her time, she is quite an interesitng person I think. I have confidence in Robin that she will use her time wisely, maybe more time to invest in herself and hubby? She will still have a life, I am sure.
 
August 16, 2005, 10:44 pm CDT

I don't think that Robin has

Quote From: ramair

 it seems like she's invested so much of herself in her two sons that she hasn't developed any hobbies to fill her time now that the youngest has left for college. I've seen this happen to so many people. Those whose children have become their whole lives don't know what to do with their time once that last child has left home. And, I've seen the same thing happen to those whose job became their whole life. Once retired, they're miserable because they've never developed a hobby to pass the time. 
in her children.  As the mother of two myself, and with one off at college, I don't think it is a sign of losing oneself to their kids if a mother stills cries at the thought of one of them leaving.  It is merely and purely a sign of total love and devotion that a mother feels for her children....and the imminent loss of control over their future lives, which, once we become accustomed to them being gone, becomes more and more natural as time goes on.  It just hurts a great deal at first and is so very hard to accept.  Robin has made a very good life for herself and the most important factor is her relationship and friendship she appears to have with her husband.  Yes, I cry each and every time my son leaves to return to school, but I know he is doing what he needs to do and once I dry my eyes, I move on with my life as well.  Until you experience this you truly cannot fathom the emotion that a mother goes through.  It hurts, yes...very much...but it is what we have worked for years to achieve...the reason we make them upstanding and independant individuals, and we DO have the ability to let go and let them go without disturbing the natural order that is in progress.  Lighten up on Robin...I admire her love for her kids and I for one have been there.....and done that.
 
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