Message Boards

Topic : 08/12 Parenting Headaches

Number of Replies: 35
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, August 05, 2005, 05:48:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original air date 04/27/2005) Is your household out of control? If you're looking for ways to calm the chaos, Dr. Phil has advice. Nikki says her 9-year-old stepdaughter is obnoxious, disrespectful, and is ruining her marriage. Then, Adam and Anna say their 9-year-old son cries about everything from taking a bath to brushing his teeth. What's behind all the tears? Plus, a 2-year-old who plays the piano and speaks Spanish. Is he gifted, or are his parents just proud? Share your thoughts here.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

Read previous messages in the archived discussion.


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

August 12, 2005, 4:44 pm CDT

don't agree

I am so surprised that no one here feels sorry for Brittney afterall she is the child here.  Niki was wrong hate is a very strong word.  I am also a stepparent of 2 children and we don't have these problems because we handle everything with both my husband and myself together.  Did anyone even pay attention to hear Brittney say that she sleeps on the couch when at her dad's house?  I bet the other kids have a bedroom so why doesn't she.  If she doesn't feel equal to the other children then her behavior is going to reflect it.  So everyone should think about the child not the adult who made the choice to come into this family.
 
August 12, 2005, 4:57 pm CDT

Keep your chin up tXmom

Quote From: texasmom

I have never written here before but I am just so mad at what I have just seen. I feel so bad for Nicki on the show, she just got torn apart by Dr. Phil. I have been through the exact same thing, at one time literally hating my stepchild, not him, but for what he was doing to our family. And it's hard if the father doesn't take a more active role, also the child's mother sits there and acts like she's perfect, smiling and nodding at what Dr. Phil is saying like she's been doing all that he's saying. My stepson threw HORRIFIC tantrums, and would go through other rooms just to not walk by where I was sitting, would pull his dad off to the side and ask for toys when we were shopping, then when I caught him, he'd say "nevermind."  After 2 years, he is finally accepting that I am not going anywhere, and so has his mother. And we are now reaching that point where we give hugs, not "I love yous" yet, but we're getiing there. 

Nicki, I feel your pain, hang in there, one day, after emotions die down, you and Brittney will have a relationship, it is hard, but it will happen. 

Some of us feel your pain.  My fiance's ex-wife (I verified through court documents) divorced him, then decided she wanted him back so she got her tubes untied and got pregnant to try to trap him a second time.  He married her the first time when they were very young because she was pregnant.  Now they have a teen and pre-teen kid together. 

  

It's funny how many of these biological mothers don't care enough about their kids to see what they're doing to their children when they're alienating the kids from their father.... because she's mad at him.  I think in my case, if you wanted him, you had a decade to do it, too late now. 

  

The kids will be playing around with their father, wearing matching shirts and introducing him as their dad, but as soon as they even think their mother is looking or listening, they turn into Mommy grenades.  It's so bad over here that my fiance' tells the kids bye an hour before they leave because 30 minutes til time for the time bomb-mommy to show up or for them to be dropped off they explode into her hate-filled creations.   His daughter and I used to enjoy going shopping together.  Her mother found out told the child I was trying to buy her love.  So now everytime we go to the mall the daughter is suspicious if I offer to give her an extra dollar to buy the Barbie she really wants.  I do the same thing with my own neices, and nephews and even friend's children.  I don't have any yet.  She and I used to like to cook together.  That's until a meal she'd eaten and helped me to prepare a dozen times, suddenly got back to her mother.  Somehow after mommy found out, it landed the child in the ER.  She had suddenly become sick to her stomach and must have been allergic to one of the ingredients.  So monster mommy sent me a certified letter ordering me to NOT force her daughter to cook my "ethnic" foods.  Included was a letter from their daughter stating that she was tired of me making her cook, while I sit down and do nothing.   That became part of their court documentation and is being used against the father, though I wrote a rebuttal.  The child still claims I made her cook.  So that ended our days of cooking together.  Next I took her to get her nails done only to find out that her mother suddenly decided that she can't get her nails done in clear nail polish until she's 14. 

    While others might read this in disbelief, I can't tell you the number of step mothers I know personally who ended up in trouble with the law, slapped with restraining orders in regard to the children, all because Mommy got mad that Daddy found someone else who loved him back. 

   Here's a book you must read. "No More Baby's Mama Drama" By Ayesha J. Gallion whom I'm becoming friends with after picking up her book.   It's the real deal on being a step mother with practical advise as to how to survive. 

    Also becareful about putting details out on this site or any others everyone watches Dr. Phil so you don't want what you post to end up in court being used against your hubby.   Flip around the age of the kids or gender just to be careful.  I got my fiance' jammed up in court when one of the kids came in and found a chat I was having on the computer about step parenting.  Just be careful. 

 
August 12, 2005, 6:52 pm CDT

choice

As Doctor Phil says life is about the choices one makes, the option of choice is easy when you are in control. Parenting is a partnership of common sence, it's you against them always, why because kids are smart if they can divide then they conquer. it will always be easier to devide a parent and a step in parent if the biological parent acts guilty, he/she then become the week link with the step in parent becoming the target. Don't teach children to make choices at an emotional time.  
 
August 12, 2005, 7:15 pm CDT

I hear what you're saying

Quote From: chandra513

I am so surprised that no one here feels sorry for Brittney afterall she is the child here.  Niki was wrong hate is a very strong word.  I am also a stepparent of 2 children and we don't have these problems because we handle everything with both my husband and myself together.  Did anyone even pay attention to hear Brittney say that she sleeps on the couch when at her dad's house?  I bet the other kids have a bedroom so why doesn't she.  If she doesn't feel equal to the other children then her behavior is going to reflect it.  So everyone should think about the child not the adult who made the choice to come into this family.

We all feel for the child, but this does not excuse her behavior.  No more than Myki (spelling) abusing his sister when he was minor should be excused because of deeper issues.  

   

    We're talking about dealing with the here and now of how the child is behaving.  What we have to keep in mind is that this is an extreme case of what's usually NOT the case.  Most stepmothers don't hate their step children, and it surprises me that this step mom would go on national TV and say it.  I just wonder if she said it out of frustration and it was the trigger word that made this story appealing for television.   

  

   In most cases it's the mother hating the step mother and using the kids as a weapon to get back at the father.   

  

   Brittany sounds like a spoiled child who is out of control, and playing all the adults against each other.  Frankly I wouldn't want her closed up in a room with my child if I knew or even thought this to be the case.  I don't believe the whole family should have to be interrupted, or that the world has to stop when Brittany goes to visit her dad.  There are other children in the home to be conscious of as well.     

  

   There is no reason for Brittany to have her own room at her father's house unless there are enough rooms for all the kids to have one.  It has never made sense to me why fathers are expected to present these unrealistic utopian living conditions when a mother can have a one bedroom hut and no one would complain about the kids sleeping on the floor or sleeping on the couch.  And I wonder who really has a problem with the couch, Brittany who probably likes the idea of being able access the tv when everyone is sleep and the kitchen at her disposal or her mother who reminded her that she used to be afraid of shadows in the dark when she was younger?   (Just something to think about)   Would you suggest the parents give up their room when she comes for her time with Dad?   

  

   Brittany's parents are divorced, she can either be made to get real about the reality of that, or forever be allowed to use it as a crutch or excuse.  I feel no more or less for her than I do the  nearly and some say more than the 50% of all kids whose parents will or have divorced during their childhood.   

  

   I believe that Brittany's mother is likely to be using her as a pawn like most of the baby mama's and ex-wives I know and know of. And as I mentioned, you can't choose family.   Nor can you choose who your boss hires to work with you, nor can Brittany choose her 6th grade teacher.  Some things in life you can't change or choose you just have to accept.  A stepmother is one of them.  Just think of it as training ground for how you'll have to manuver through life and people you might not necessarily love. 

  

   And as a step mother you should know that if your husband's ex wife was mean, evil or had issues of her own, your harmony with your step children wouldn't be are harmonious.  It takes three people to make things go smoothly for Brittany, and all you have to have is one malicious jealous person whether that be the step mom, the father or the mother and you'll have the receipe for disaster.    

  

  We saw Brittany holding a teddy bear and talking sweet and innocent.  My soon to be step daughter does too, until she wants to act out, then she'll step to me like a grown woman with her hands on her hips to tell me what she's going to do or not do.  I wouldn't let a strange kid step to me like that, I'll be ---- if I'm going to let a little girl that I care about and will be family with, act that way.  If we just teach kids to respect adults period we wouldn't have to be try to play that we believe we're equals or allies with them.   We could just love them without them disrespecting us or disrupting everyone's life, including their own. 

     

    My step daughter and Brittany  are little girls who are no more confused than any other little girls with divorced parents.  And remember in my case my step daughter's parents were never married or lived in the same home her entire life, so there's no adjusting in my case, daddy and mommy never lived together her whole life and both mommy and daddy have had boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this time is different because daddy is going to have a wife.   

  

   And now Daddy can see past his ex wife using the kids as tools to make him unhappy and he can be happy with someone who actually wants him to be happy.   He doesn't jump through hoops or have to go alone without a witness to document that the mama is holding the kids for ransom. I go or our arsenal of young married friends will volunteer to go from the church.  Before me, all my fiance had were a few buddies and his kids.  He doesn't allow himself to be held hostage by his ex-wife, and if she really does turn the kids on him as she's sworn she'll do, he knows he won't be left alone. 

  

    I think this is the case with Brittany, and the ex wife, baby mama or whatever sitting in the audience was having a field day on all of this.  But no matter how angry my step daughter may make me, I'll never announce to the world that I "HATE" her.  If I ever heard an adult say they hated my step daughter, I might haul off and slap them in the mouth.  He just sat there.  ((((scratching my head and wondering how he didn't slither out of the chair since he obviously misplaced his spin)))) The one word "HATE" probably has him on supervised visits at $70 per hour and a restraining order on his brilliant new wife.   What were they thinkin'? 

 
August 12, 2005, 7:32 pm CDT

08/12 Parenting Headaches

Quote From: jadaok

We all feel for the child, but this does not excuse her behavior.  No more than Myki (spelling) abusing his sister when he was minor should be excused because of deeper issues.  

   

    We're talking about dealing with the here and now of how the child is behaving.  What we have to keep in mind is that this is an extreme case of what's usually NOT the case.  Most stepmothers don't hate their step children, and it surprises me that this step mom would go on national TV and say it.  I just wonder if she said it out of frustration and it was the trigger word that made this story appealing for television.   

  

   In most cases it's the mother hating the step mother and using the kids as a weapon to get back at the father.   

  

   Brittany sounds like a spoiled child who is out of control, and playing all the adults against each other.  Frankly I wouldn't want her closed up in a room with my child if I knew or even thought this to be the case.  I don't believe the whole family should have to be interrupted, or that the world has to stop when Brittany goes to visit her dad.  There are other children in the home to be conscious of as well.     

  

   There is no reason for Brittany to have her own room at her father's house unless there are enough rooms for all the kids to have one.  It has never made sense to me why fathers are expected to present these unrealistic utopian living conditions when a mother can have a one bedroom hut and no one would complain about the kids sleeping on the floor or sleeping on the couch.  And I wonder who really has a problem with the couch, Brittany who probably likes the idea of being able access the tv when everyone is sleep and the kitchen at her disposal or her mother who reminded her that she used to be afraid of shadows in the dark when she was younger?   (Just something to think about)   Would you suggest the parents give up their room when she comes for her time with Dad?   

  

   Brittany's parents are divorced, she can either be made to get real about the reality of that, or forever be allowed to use it as a crutch or excuse.  I feel no more or less for her than I do the  nearly and some say more than the 50% of all kids whose parents will or have divorced during their childhood.   

  

   I believe that Brittany's mother is likely to be using her as a pawn like most of the baby mama's and ex-wives I know and know of. And as I mentioned, you can't choose family.   Nor can you choose who your boss hires to work with you, nor can Brittany choose her 6th grade teacher.  Some things in life you can't change or choose you just have to accept.  A stepmother is one of them.  Just think of it as training ground for how you'll have to manuver through life and people you might not necessarily love. 

  

   And as a step mother you should know that if your husband's ex wife was mean, evil or had issues of her own, your harmony with your step children wouldn't be are harmonious.  It takes three people to make things go smoothly for Brittany, and all you have to have is one malicious jealous person whether that be the step mom, the father or the mother and you'll have the receipe for disaster.    

  

  We saw Brittany holding a teddy bear and talking sweet and innocent.  My soon to be step daughter does too, until she wants to act out, then she'll step to me like a grown woman with her hands on her hips to tell me what she's going to do or not do.  I wouldn't let a strange kid step to me like that, I'll be ---- if I'm going to let a little girl that I care about and will be family with, act that way.  If we just teach kids to respect adults period we wouldn't have to be try to play that we believe we're equals or allies with them.   We could just love them without them disrespecting us or disrupting everyone's life, including their own. 

     

    My step daughter and Brittany  are little girls who are no more confused than any other little girls with divorced parents.  And remember in my case my step daughter's parents were never married or lived in the same home her entire life, so there's no adjusting in my case, daddy and mommy never lived together her whole life and both mommy and daddy have had boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this time is different because daddy is going to have a wife.   

  

   And now Daddy can see past his ex wife using the kids as tools to make him unhappy and he can be happy with someone who actually wants him to be happy.   He doesn't jump through hoops or have to go alone without a witness to document that the mama is holding the kids for ransom. I go or our arsenal of young married friends will volunteer to go from the church.  Before me, all my fiance had were a few buddies and his kids.  He doesn't allow himself to be held hostage by his ex-wife, and if she really does turn the kids on him as she's sworn she'll do, he knows he won't be left alone. 

  

    I think this is the case with Brittany, and the ex wife, baby mama or whatever sitting in the audience was having a field day on all of this.  But no matter how angry my step daughter may make me, I'll never announce to the world that I "HATE" her.  If I ever heard an adult say they hated my step daughter, I might haul off and slap them in the mouth.  He just sat there.  ((((scratching my head and wondering how he didn't slither out of the chair since he obviously misplaced his spin)))) The one word "HATE" probably has him on supervised visits at $70 per hour and a restraining order on his brilliant new wife.   What were they thinkin'? 

 Yes, hate is harsh word but I do know that at times it feels like "hate". My step son pushes me over the edge over and over. He's  only 8 and still knows how to act differently around "dad" than when it's just us. He is angry, defiant, and rebellious. It's very hard because his daughter is 12 and adorable, sweet, caring, and sensative. My 16 year old son is the same. Respect is the word here. Where have they gone wrong. Why does this 8 year old crave attention so badly ? What is missing ? He's bright but I almost think he needs meds. He can't focus on one  single  thing I ask of him. Flush the toilet, put your shoes on, hello ??? Is thereanyone in there? He's totally out of it ! I know boys and men will be what they are but there are those male species out there who hear us..... just a few, but they hear and can follow a task.  The parents divorced over 2 years ago and this kid is throwing rocks and getting in fights on the playground. That's definitely a cry for help in my parenting book ! Hate him.... no, of course not, but dislike...yes, I will be honest. It's very hard for me on the weekends they come  visit. The only thing that sounds good is a glass of wine or a Xanax !  :)
 
August 12, 2005, 10:35 pm CDT

Xanax

Quote From: kodeman

 Yes, hate is harsh word but I do know that at times it feels like "hate". My step son pushes me over the edge over and over. He's  only 8 and still knows how to act differently around "dad" than when it's just us. He is angry, defiant, and rebellious. It's very hard because his daughter is 12 and adorable, sweet, caring, and sensative. My 16 year old son is the same. Respect is the word here. Where have they gone wrong. Why does this 8 year old crave attention so badly ? What is missing ? He's bright but I almost think he needs meds. He can't focus on one  single  thing I ask of him. Flush the toilet, put your shoes on, hello ??? Is thereanyone in there? He's totally out of it ! I know boys and men will be what they are but there are those male species out there who hear us..... just a few, but they hear and can follow a task.  The parents divorced over 2 years ago and this kid is throwing rocks and getting in fights on the playground. That's definitely a cry for help in my parenting book ! Hate him.... no, of course not, but dislike...yes, I will be honest. It's very hard for me on the weekends they come  visit. The only thing that sounds good is a glass of wine or a Xanax !  :)

How about Zoloft?  That's my weekend cocktail when the kids are with their father and I'm not out of town by choice.  LOL 

   My step kids have allergies.  I was so thrilled when their doctor suggested Benadryl.  He said non-drowsy but I asked if regular would work.  "Well yes" he answered "If you want them to sleep most of the day away."  I asked for the regular then drove about a hundred to the Pharmacy to buy it. 

    Meds are a good thing.      

 
August 13, 2005, 3:06 pm CDT

08/12 Parenting Headaches

 It does seem strange for a little girl to behave that way towards her stepmother (unless she's actually been abused in some way or has been influenced by her mother). I never actually had a stepmother, but my father has had a girlfriend almost since my parents were divorced when I was young. My parents had a very messy divorce between themselves, but my mother didn't dislike his girlfriend at all. In fact, she likes her. But maybe that's because my mother was the one who wanted the divorce & wasn't psycho-clingy to my father (the way some of the ex-wives you guys have described seem to be). I guess because of that I've never had problems at all with my dad's girlfriend all these years growing up. I think the way the mother feels about the father getting remarried or getting a girlfriend must have a HUGE impact on the kids involved. I know that especially during the time my parents were divorced I was extremely sensitive to what both of them wanted from me b/c I was so afraid of my family being torn apart. If kids are made to feel that liking the new woman who's been introduced into the family would be a betrayal to their mother, of course they'll do anything they possibly can to avoid that. I think it's probably even more so than with stepfathers b/c of the bond between mothers & their children. It's easy for children to believe that that is a betrayal & I think some mothers out there do abuse that fact & use it to manipulate their children & get back at their ex-husbands.
 
August 13, 2005, 5:27 pm CDT

08/12 Parenting Headaches

I do not condone hating children, however Beisdes Dr. Phil, I think that Nikki was the only honest person there. I think that Cindy and Bruce weren't exactly truthful about everything. Nikki could have "candy coated" her feelings and sat on that stage saying "what everyone wanted her to say...the right words" but she was real and honest and spoke it from the heart. I give her credit for her boldness and ability to know that her feelings were "wrong" and yet seek help for change. Bruce needs to be a man and the "priest" of his home. He needs to be disciplining and taking control of his house.  

 
August 13, 2005, 8:28 pm CDT

Why should a child be forced to ......

 accept a step mother or father as if it's all great and wonderful. I am a nurse and I work in an adolescent Psych facility. I can say that while a few really do have psychiatric problems like bi-polar, ocd, major depression etc.... Many of these kids have had their lives torn apart six ways from Sunday by the people who are supposed to love and care for them. It's sad when you talk to a 12 year old whose living on the street because his step mom says he's incorrigible and the only thing the dad has to say is his wife is a hard woman to get along with. In other words he'd rather sacrifice his child to the streets than get rid of the problem which is a woman who will have no God's before her. It's not just stepmoms - I've seen a lot of step dads that behave badly as well. There is a 50% divorce rate for 1st marriage and a much higher rate for 2nd marriages. Theoretically a child could have several step parents during the course of growing up and their supposed to think that's just hunky dory! When people have kids the kids should become their primary focus. They give up their right to be selfish about their own needs. Kids don't ask to be born. If they are lucky they get loving parents or parent and are raised to be well adjusted adults. If they are not so lucky - they get so screwed up by their so-called care givers that they end up on the street, alcohol or drug addicted, pregnant etc....... The kids that I work with are not angels and can try the patience of even the most even tempered person but it's sad when a kids feels safer and more accepted in a psych hospital than they do at home. Is it a suprise that a girl who does not feel loved and accepted at home falls in with peers that accept her, or a boy who proclaims love. No - In case your wondering I am a parent. I'm not saying that people in abusive marriages shouldn't divorce but most of the divorces I see are for stupid selfish reasons that never take into consideration the feelings and needs of the children involved. 

  

Ok - I'm done ranting 

 
August 14, 2005, 11:23 am CDT

Great Post

Quote From: mischif12

 accept a step mother or father as if it's all great and wonderful. I am a nurse and I work in an adolescent Psych facility. I can say that while a few really do have psychiatric problems like bi-polar, ocd, major depression etc.... Many of these kids have had their lives torn apart six ways from Sunday by the people who are supposed to love and care for them. It's sad when you talk to a 12 year old whose living on the street because his step mom says he's incorrigible and the only thing the dad has to say is his wife is a hard woman to get along with. In other words he'd rather sacrifice his child to the streets than get rid of the problem which is a woman who will have no God's before her. It's not just stepmoms - I've seen a lot of step dads that behave badly as well. There is a 50% divorce rate for 1st marriage and a much higher rate for 2nd marriages. Theoretically a child could have several step parents during the course of growing up and their supposed to think that's just hunky dory! When people have kids the kids should become their primary focus. They give up their right to be selfish about their own needs. Kids don't ask to be born. If they are lucky they get loving parents or parent and are raised to be well adjusted adults. If they are not so lucky - they get so screwed up by their so-called care givers that they end up on the street, alcohol or drug addicted, pregnant etc....... The kids that I work with are not angels and can try the patience of even the most even tempered person but it's sad when a kids feels safer and more accepted in a psych hospital than they do at home. Is it a suprise that a girl who does not feel loved and accepted at home falls in with peers that accept her, or a boy who proclaims love. No - In case your wondering I am a parent. I'm not saying that people in abusive marriages shouldn't divorce but most of the divorces I see are for stupid selfish reasons that never take into consideration the feelings and needs of the children involved. 

  

Ok - I'm done ranting 

But I do disagree with this statement you made. 

  

When people have kids the kids should become their primary focus. They give up their right to be selfish about their own needs.  

 

A parent can only do the best they can and the best they know how and the best they learn to do.  A parent can't cotrol another human.   In the case of the step-mother who said that her step-son was "incorrigible" my neice is the same way.  This means no matter what good influences he had in his life, anyone could walk in and he'd follow them off the deep end?   I can understand that step-mother wanting to keep her home safe, and I'm sure the father as well.  I'm guessing the boy wasn't put out just because of something the step-mom made up.   So what are the details of that case?  I bet you it's more than just a kid being incorrigible.  Does that mean that no matter how hard his father tried to help him, he we go home to his biological mother and she could tell him he should plant drugs in his father's home and he'd do it? 

   The fact is people have to keep themselves safe. Period.   

 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | Next | Last