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Topic : 08/12 Parenting Headaches

Number of Replies: 35
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Created on : Friday, August 05, 2005, 05:48:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original air date 04/27/2005) Is your household out of control? If you're looking for ways to calm the chaos, Dr. Phil has advice. Nikki says her 9-year-old stepdaughter is obnoxious, disrespectful, and is ruining her marriage. Then, Adam and Anna say their 9-year-old son cries about everything from taking a bath to brushing his teeth. What's behind all the tears? Plus, a 2-year-old who plays the piano and speaks Spanish. Is he gifted, or are his parents just proud? Share your thoughts here.

 

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August 14, 2005, 11:13 pm CDT

Hey TXmom

Here's more reading for you 

  

http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view.php/id/80 

 
August 15, 2005, 6:09 am CDT

From another Stepmother

I watched this episode Friday, specifically to see the Stepmother segment.  I should have been surprised but I wasn't, as ususal it seems okay to treat the stepmother like garbage.  

I have a stepdaughter that I honestly love and adore, but we have had, and still have our bad days.  The stepdaughter mentioned on the show was not a toddler, she was 9 years old.  That is old enough to be expected to behave herself while she is at her Dad's house, and treat her stepmother like a human being.   

I do think that this child's mother was a huge part of the problem, she could go a long way in helping her child adjust to a new stepmother but she didn't.  Stepmothers are expected to put up with a lot of "stuff" from the stepchildren and first wives. We are not the enemy and our stepchildren are not always lovable, snuggly, little bundles of joy, so all we can do is give it our best shot and hope for a little understanding. 

 
August 15, 2005, 9:18 am CDT

Well of course

Quote From: mistyc

I watched this episode Friday, specifically to see the Stepmother segment.  I should have been surprised but I wasn't, as ususal it seems okay to treat the stepmother like garbage.  

I have a stepdaughter that I honestly love and adore, but we have had, and still have our bad days.  The stepdaughter mentioned on the show was not a toddler, she was 9 years old.  That is old enough to be expected to behave herself while she is at her Dad's house, and treat her stepmother like a human being.   

I do think that this child's mother was a huge part of the problem, she could go a long way in helping her child adjust to a new stepmother but she didn't.  Stepmothers are expected to put up with a lot of "stuff" from the stepchildren and first wives. We are not the enemy and our stepchildren are not always lovable, snuggly, little bundles of joy, so all we can do is give it our best shot and hope for a little understanding. 

Step mothers are all wicked.  The mother in this case got off way, way too easy.  But when Brittany gets finished using threats to go live with her father to get away with any and everything, she'll be begging her ex-husband and wife to help her.  I've seen it dozens of times.  Right now mom can convince her that she's cool and that dad and stepmom are evil but kids change when they become teens and the cool parent is the one they grow up and think they hate.  There's really no reason for the world to revolve around Brittany because her parents got divorced like millions of other kids.  Frankly I am tired of kids thinking they run their parents.  And ex-wives and baby mamas thinking that they come before the wives just because they have children by your husband.  Here's the hierchy in our family. 

1. God 

2. Our marriage union 

3. Kids 

  

 
August 15, 2005, 10:03 am CDT

Nikki, Brittany and Cindy

When I saw this show, I was upset with Cindy for being so lenient, but when I reread this on the chat board I saw that it has only been two months since they were married and I think it is too soon to expect so much in such a short amount of time. Maybe a year?  You have to let time go by for the high waves to calm.  But the whole garage thing is so dumb to me.  It is midnight and she is screaming?  Should they have put her outside so a bad stranger can get her?  As long as the garage light was on and it wasn't spooky and there wasn't anything dangerous in the garage.... I don't think it was wrong to put her in the garage away from the sleeping other children.
 
August 15, 2005, 6:23 pm CDT

I agree

Quote From: missjane2

When I saw this show, I was upset with Cindy for being so lenient, but when I reread this on the chat board I saw that it has only been two months since they were married and I think it is too soon to expect so much in such a short amount of time. Maybe a year?  You have to let time go by for the high waves to calm.  But the whole garage thing is so dumb to me.  It is midnight and she is screaming?  Should they have put her outside so a bad stranger can get her?  As long as the garage light was on and it wasn't spooky and there wasn't anything dangerous in the garage.... I don't think it was wrong to put her in the garage away from the sleeping other children.

But it's all in how the mother wants to blow up a child's tantrum to use to her advantage against the father and stepmom.  My step daughter refused to get in the car and said she'd walk an hour to get home along a busy freeway because she was angry I wouldn't buy her something she wanted.  Her father wasn't available and I wasn't going to let a 4th or 5th grader get run over or kidnapped because she was having a tantrum.  Nor was I going to drive or walk along the freeway just to keep from causing waves, (since I'm not her mother and some people think that I have no rights, even when I'm responsible for my stepdaughter's saftey to tell her what to do.) So I had to physically yank her spoiled behind in the car and put the child safety locks on.  When her father returned home he punished her by stripping her room of all her posters and leaving her with just a bed and an alarm clock until she earned them back.  Of course it worked and she hasn't done that again, but who do you think told the story to a court mediator and made me look like some violent abusive woman who yanked the kid in the car and held her hostage.  Even when I reminded everyone it was 8:30 pm along a busy freeway, the mediator still told me I could have handled it better, by calling her father or mother and letting them talk her into getting into the car.  As if the kid was rational enough to stand still long enough to talk to her father or mother.  And if I had called the mother what do you think the mother would have told the child to do?  My guess is to stand on the side of the freeway with me waiting for her to come and make the matter worse.  

   I wouldn't have put Brittany in the garage, I would have spanked her and then put her in the garage.  But you can't discipline step kids like you would ordinary children because you'll get in trouble.  But after the garage stint, I bet she hasn't thrown such a tantrum again. 

 
August 15, 2005, 6:51 pm CDT

Nikki, Brittany and Cindy

It is true Jadaok that Stepparents USE their kids to continue their fight and antagonism that was in their marriage.  Perhaps it's revenge or feeling good that the child likes them better. 

  

I think kids are kids and think like kids.  I have 4 kids and the youngest is very ornery and I have worked with him since he has been a baby.  The only reason he is not on Ritalin is because he is social and his teachers love him. 

  

Last week he decided he wanted to buy a hamster.  He is 8 yrs old.  He got a photo from the newspaper for $34.99 and went door to door selling junk and collecting money to buy this hamster.  NOW THIS IS MY KID, NOT MY STEP KID.  When he was told he is not getting a hamster... He went to his brother and sister and said QUOTE:  I don't care what she says, I AM NOT GIVING UP MY DREAM!  I will have a hamster someday. 

  

Now his DREAM is to have a hamster.  Mine is not!  But a ice cream cone, a McDonald Happy Meal, Putt Putt golf, Visiting and playing with a puppy at a Dog Store and other things are good BRIBES to calm a tantrum of an 8 yr old child who feels HIS DREAM is being CRUSHED. 

  

I think little things can go a long way with simple explanations to kids. 

 
August 15, 2005, 11:14 pm CDT

Love your post!

Quote From: missjane2

It is true Jadaok that Stepparents USE their kids to continue their fight and antagonism that was in their marriage.  Perhaps it's revenge or feeling good that the child likes them better. 

  

I think kids are kids and think like kids.  I have 4 kids and the youngest is very ornery and I have worked with him since he has been a baby.  The only reason he is not on Ritalin is because he is social and his teachers love him. 

  

Last week he decided he wanted to buy a hamster.  He is 8 yrs old.  He got a photo from the newspaper for $34.99 and went door to door selling junk and collecting money to buy this hamster.  NOW THIS IS MY KID, NOT MY STEP KID.  When he was told he is not getting a hamster... He went to his brother and sister and said QUOTE:  I don't care what she says, I AM NOT GIVING UP MY DREAM!  I will have a hamster someday. 

  

Now his DREAM is to have a hamster.  Mine is not!  But a ice cream cone, a McDonald Happy Meal, Putt Putt golf, Visiting and playing with a puppy at a Dog Store and other things are good BRIBES to calm a tantrum of an 8 yr old child who feels HIS DREAM is being CRUSHED. 

  

I think little things can go a long way with simple explanations to kids. 

What a great post.  We really give young kids too much credit and credibility.  Just as a Happy Meal and a distraction worked on your kid, I think the same is true of step kids.  You don't have to lay them out on a couch and given them a text book reason as to why they can't yell and scream all night because they can't get their way.  I loved your post
 
August 16, 2005, 7:41 am CDT

Some good posts here

I have read with interests the posts here. For the record I am not a step-parent nor do I ever plan to be one. I still believe that the day my son was born I abdicated my right to be selfish about my own happiness. Does this mean that I've given up on being happy? No! I simply find my happiness in serving others and stepping mentally and physically away from my own selfish needs. There have been times when I wanted to divorce my husband because he's a self-centered work-a-holic. In fact the distance between us has become so great that we haven't had sex in 3 years. I see a counselor weekly and work on how to find my own happiness where I am not where I want to be. My son is the most important person in my life. My only job is to produce a well adjusted functional person capable of living a happy healthy life. Once that is accomplished perhaps 15 to 18 years from now then I will divorce and move on. My husband and I never fight in front of my son, we do all the things families do - but mom and dad sleep with their backs to each other which is something our son doesn't see. 

  

What I don't get is people who are not married (living together) who consider themselves step parents. Whether you are a man or a woman makes no difference. To the kids you are not a step parent. You are just the person who has sex with mom or dad. If you are not married even if you plan to be you should not take any disciplinary role with these children. In fact it would be healthier for the kids if you left the house when the kids came to spend time with their bio-parent. After you are married is different of course.  

  

Do I believe that step parents are the only ones to blame here? Absolutely not. Many bioparents contribute to the problem by involving their kids in they're own desperate attempts to hold on to what's gone. Also to the person whose fiance has been accused of molesting his boy. What action has this man taken to prove these allegations wrong? He should be going to CPS and telling them what is going on. There will be an investigation of course but if there is no validity he will be cleared. Furthermore the bio-mom can be prosecuted for making a false claim. It will be very ugly but in the end if your fiance is innocent the truth will out. The investigation would be very stressful and you might even have to live a part for a while but wouldn't it be worth it to have this settled. A competent forensic nurse and child psychologist who works with abused children could get the truth in one or two sessions. If your fiance thinks this will go away he's wrong - he should stand up like the man you say he is and for his child's sake initiate an investigation. 

  

Also to the person who drugs her step children - I think that's awful - you want these children to develop healthy coping skills - but you are teaching them the unhealthy coping skill of all. Plus this tactic suggests that your coping skills are far from adult and healthy. 

  

Gotta Go 

  

 
August 16, 2005, 1:01 pm CDT

mischif

Honey if you think your son doesn't know that his mommie is miserable you're fooling ourself.  My parents stayed together for my sake, and even now in my 30s I wish they hadn't.  Your son sees the lack of affection between his parents.  To this day my parents are still together, though now my mother says she just stayed to raise us, and she's still there now just because she's old.  That's what will happen to you.  When your son grows up, you'll still be too afraid to leave.  Face it, you're staying with an emotionally abusive man for your sake, not your sons.  You are  harming him because of your fears of being alone, or manless. 

   Also I didn't read anywhere in which someone said their fiance' was accused of molesting their son.  I said that with the malicious step-mom I'm dealing with, that may be a claim the ex will grab out the air on our wedding day.  I said she'll claim their "son" is pregnant by his "father" on our wedding day in an attempt to ruin our wedding day.   Furthermore why does everyone assume that when you have a fiance' you're living with him?  I have my home and he has his, we are getting one together , that we'll move in AFTER we get married. 

   And in closing, what's better? To give the kids prescribed medicine that the doctor has approved that will help them with their allergies and Thank God make them sleep, or allow them to hold me and the household hostage because their mother is angry at their dad?   Personally I think it's safer for everyone if they are asleep rather than to run the risk of being set up by their mother through the kids.    

   Remember it's about keeping everyone safe.  And until the law holds their mother accountable for violating court orders, filing false CPS reports that are repeatedly deemed unfounded/false, until they hold her accountable when she refuses to let the kid's father see them, or for going to the kids athletic events and brainwashing the other parents so that they'll treat the kid's dad like a convict when he sits in the stands, or until the kids wake up oneday before they turn 18 and realize that they really don't remember being 9 months old and seeing their dad burn all their toys like their mother said, then it's about staying safe.  All around, because I'll be d--n if I'm going to let an elementary aged school girl kick my --- or disrespect me and just take it because I love her father. 

   I do hope that you leave your husband or get him into counseling.  Because I can promise you, your son knows, just like I knew about my parents.  That's why it took me years of counseling before I could accept a healthy relationship with a man.  Maybe if I had been past that when I was 23 I would have married a man without a ready made family. 

Good Luck! 

 
August 17, 2005, 7:22 am CDT

Why do you assume I'm miserable

Quote From: jadaok

Honey if you think your son doesn't know that his mommie is miserable you're fooling ourself.  My parents stayed together for my sake, and even now in my 30s I wish they hadn't.  Your son sees the lack of affection between his parents.  To this day my parents are still together, though now my mother says she just stayed to raise us, and she's still there now just because she's old.  That's what will happen to you.  When your son grows up, you'll still be too afraid to leave.  Face it, you're staying with an emotionally abusive man for your sake, not your sons.  You are  harming him because of your fears of being alone, or manless. 

   Also I didn't read anywhere in which someone said their fiance' was accused of molesting their son.  I said that with the malicious step-mom I'm dealing with, that may be a claim the ex will grab out the air on our wedding day.  I said she'll claim their "son" is pregnant by his "father" on our wedding day in an attempt to ruin our wedding day.   Furthermore why does everyone assume that when you have a fiance' you're living with him?  I have my home and he has his, we are getting one together , that we'll move in AFTER we get married. 

   And in closing, what's better? To give the kids prescribed medicine that the doctor has approved that will help them with their allergies and Thank God make them sleep, or allow them to hold me and the household hostage because their mother is angry at their dad?   Personally I think it's safer for everyone if they are asleep rather than to run the risk of being set up by their mother through the kids.    

   Remember it's about keeping everyone safe.  And until the law holds their mother accountable for violating court orders, filing false CPS reports that are repeatedly deemed unfounded/false, until they hold her accountable when she refuses to let the kid's father see them, or for going to the kids athletic events and brainwashing the other parents so that they'll treat the kid's dad like a convict when he sits in the stands, or until the kids wake up oneday before they turn 18 and realize that they really don't remember being 9 months old and seeing their dad burn all their toys like their mother said, then it's about staying safe.  All around, because I'll be d--n if I'm going to let an elementary aged school girl kick my --- or disrespect me and just take it because I love her father. 

   I do hope that you leave your husband or get him into counseling.  Because I can promise you, your son knows, just like I knew about my parents.  That's why it took me years of counseling before I could accept a healthy relationship with a man.  Maybe if I had been past that when I was 23 I would have married a man without a ready made family. 

Good Luck! 

 Because I choose to honor the vows I took before God to stay marriage. Is it a perfect situation? No but I have yet to see a perfect marriage. As I said my life contains great joy. I find fulfillment in raising my son and turning my will over to the service of God and others. I never said my husband was abusive just self centered. There can be worse - I was married for a year to a man who was abusive both physically and mentally I did leave him without a look back. Thank God we didn't have children as we have been able to our separate ways. 

  

I'm sorry if you assumed that I said you were living with your fiance - on rereading my last post I can see why you might have taken is that way. It was harsh and I apologize. I just see so many kids screwed up and the parents getting off Scot free. Kids learn how to cope and function with life by watching adults. And often after the kids are beyond repair the parents wring their hands and mumble "I don't know where I went wrong!"  I'm just sick of it. Adults make babies and then treat them like pieces of furniture. I still say that if you don't want to deal with ex's and step children don't marry a divorcee with with kids. You have to remember that because of these kids the ex will always be a part of your lives.  

  

As for the drugging - Benedryl is not a safe drug for children prescribed or not. There are tones of drugs doctors have prescribed which turned out to be harmful if not fatal. Benadryl when given to children has been associated with liver and kidney failure, heart failure, anemia, sleeping disorders  and major depression. It is also the number one drug of choice for first time suicide attempts among children under 18. I still don't see how drugging the children there for depriving them of any meaningful visitation with their father is a matter of safety. Is it because the kids behave so badly that you might hurt them if they are not asleep. I have seen nothing in your posts that suggest that these children pose any danger to you. They sound a bit bratty and for sure unhappy about the coming marriage but that's normal not dangerous. Children of divorce have a higher rate of depression, promiscuity, drug use and suicide than any other group and the rates double when there is a remarriage. Face it folks the Brady Bunch was a fantasy.  

 
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