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Topic : 08/15 'Get Off My Back!'

Number of Replies: 50
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, August 12, 2005, 06:15:11 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original air date 05/18/05) Dr. Phil talks to controlling, combative, outspoken guests whose loved ones want them off their back! First up, Tia demands perfection from her kids in school, music and sports. She's even picked out the perfect bride for her 14-year-old son! Her husband thinks she needs to lighten up, but will Tia ever change her ways? Then, Dr. Phil follows up with the guest who was called "the worst husband in Dr. Phil history!"  Is he still yelling at his wife to shut her "suckhole" ... or did she tell him to get lost?  Talk about the show here.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

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August 15, 2005, 7:01 pm CDT

For Mike

Mike, the changes you have started to make are incredible. I didn't see the first show but in the clips today the most telling thing to me was the difference in how your son related to you.  

  

I was also really impressed that you went and talked to your Dad about all of this. That took so much courage.  

  

I wish you and your family continued growth until the family you want becomes the habit and neither you nor your wife will have ever have to worry about the past rearing it's ugly head.  

  

Take care of yourselves. I hope Dr Phil invites you back in a year or so just to check in so we can all see how much farther you all have grown. You and your wife are very inspirational.  

 
August 15, 2005, 8:12 pm CDT

08/15 'Get Off My Back!'

Quote From: skylab

Mike, the changes you have started to make are incredible. I didn't see the first show but in the clips today the most telling thing to me was the difference in how your son related to you.  

  

I was also really impressed that you went and talked to your Dad about all of this. That took so much courage.  

  

I wish you and your family continued growth until the family you want becomes the habit and neither you nor your wife will have ever have to worry about the past rearing it's ugly head.  

  

Take care of yourselves. I hope Dr Phil invites you back in a year or so just to check in so we can all see how much farther you all have grown. You and your wife are very inspirational.  

Mike, I am so impressed by the changes you have made with in your self! I just want to commend you for all of your hard work and good intentions! I am in a similar situation and only hope that my husband would take a fraction of the responsibility that you have in your relationships. Your wife is loving and obviously knew what you were capable of becoming. You are lucky to have someone who sees your true potential. Never let that become secondary, I have a feeling you simply will not! Good job. I truly am completely floored:) Take care you guys, be happy you really both deserve it. We ALL do:)!
 
August 15, 2005, 9:40 pm CDT

tia, just get real

tia, 

as i watched the show and listened to you saying how you wanted perfect kids all i could feel sorry for is the kids who have to have the mother that seeks perfection for all but herself. i cannot even imagine being made to feel that way by my mom, i was raised in doing your best and if in all honesty it's your best then good for you. also the notion that she has to pick anthony's wife is so stupid, tia you said if you pick the daughter inlaw then you will all get along, well what about the daughter inlaw and your son how will they get along. you are so unrealistic and i could not determine if you were really serious or plain stupid so i gave you credit on both accounts. you need to listen to your husband and chill girl before you loose your kids because all you really are teaching them is that they will never be good enough and how dare you expect anthony to be perfect when he plays basketball. it's more  hypocritical for you to expect perfect scores but yet you avgd between 80 and 100 and it's okay but anthony gets a 95 and you expect a perfect score? dr, phil was right it's your insecurities that are driving you to be this type of mother and in the end all will lose including the kids you so claim to want to lead into the road and life of perfection of which no one can ever do except for the lord jesus christ who was the only perfect one in this lifetime. i wish you the best and i hope you change your mind and hearts attitude before it all comes down crashing on you because keep it up and it will come down. 

  

 
August 15, 2005, 9:47 pm CDT

Highly Impressed!!

Man, all's I have to say is that I am so impressed with your improvement Mike. It's not easy to take negative criticism or feedback, but you did it well, good for you. You have dramaticaly changed for the better and I hope you are very proud of yourself. I know it also isn't easy to change your views that you were raised by and grew up with into adulthood, then raising your family by. You have completely transformed your actions and views in life, not just in the household. I think it was excelent of you to confront your dad about that too, that's a hard thing to do. So out of this whole letter I just wanted to say good job and keep up the good work! You have gone the extra mile and I hope you and your family will always be happy together. 

  

Amber Locke 

 
August 16, 2005, 1:08 am CDT

Results of Being Controlled

First of all, Congratulations! to Mike for being able to step back and see another point of view. Best wishes for continuing on your new path, and much joy to you as a result. 

  

For Tia, I hope you, too, will be able to consider that there is another way of doing things. Let me tell you my experience from being on the receiving end of expectations of perfection. 

  

When I was growing up, my Father was a very harsh disciplinarian. Whether he intended it or not, I always felt that he expected me to be perfect. Nothing I did ever seemed to please him. What I heard from him was "You should have done better." It was never praise for doing something right, or well. At some point I figured out that if I hung around out of sight but within earshot when my parents had company over, I might hear praise. But it was never said directly to me. I remember clearly the day my Father asked me why I couldn't smile and look happy like the girl across the street. So I learned to put on a "happy" face.  

  

I was the oldest child, and there was a six-year gap before my next sibling came along, so I had a good deal of concentrated attention, just like your son does. I know intellectually that Dad did the best he could, and did what he knew. I doubt he had much self-confidence when I was little, either. He had grown up extremely poor, and only finished the 6th grade in school. He joined the Army during WWII as a private. By working very hard and taking advantage of every opportunity, he went to Officer Candidate School and became an officer. He was a major when he retired. I tell you this because I know that as an officer who came up through the ranks, he had to work harder than one who came into the service as an officer to have the respect his fellow officers. He was very aware that on a military post not only he, but also his family, was under constant scrutiny. And he made sure I knew that. He took his GED and completed the courses necessary for him to earn his Bachelor's Degree before he retired. After retiring he went on to earn his Master's in Education, and did most of the work for his doctorate.  

  

I am very proud of my Dad. He accomplished so much, and he started with so little. But the bottom line is that he expected us kids to meet the high standards he had set for himself. I never had to guts to do it, but I wish I had been able to ask  him if I ever did anything he approved of. This side of heaven I'll never know the answer to that question. And I have this huge hole of sorrow in me that still feels as thought I've failed; that I wasn't good enough. Tia, please, please don't do that to your children! 

 
August 16, 2005, 7:14 am CDT

I see Tia In me!

While watching Dr. Phil's show Get of My Back I listened to Tia and realized that I am not as extreme as she is but I do get on my kids when they get a grade that I think they could have done better on. I expect them to be A and B students. I push them and tell them that I know they can do better and they'd better bring their grade up. A friend was asking my oldest son who is 12 what would happen if he didn't get good grades. He said my mom would have a fit. Also when they are doing chores I am constantly telling them to do it my way and that they aren't doing it right. My son's have told me that what they do is never good enough so why bother trying. I have control issues!!! I am motivated by what Dr. Phil said. I am going to try to back off and bite my tongue when I want to be critical of them. My husband has suffered over my critical spirit. I put him down in front of my kids and am always telling him that he is not doing things right. My family is suffering because I think it has to be done my way. After watching the show I have to say that this behavior is not acceptable. I grew up this way nothing I did was good enough. I DON"T want my kids to grow up the same way. The cycle has to stop, my kids have to know that they are OK the way they are. They don't have to be perfect. I just hope that at ages 10 and 12 it is not to late to turn things around!! Tia we have to change our kids lives depend on it!!!
 
August 16, 2005, 8:19 am CDT

Painful memories

Wow, seeing the show yesterday ... So proud of Mike's turnaround.  What a difference from his first appearance.. a more humble man.  Good job Mike! 

  

As for Tia, all her parenting techniques.. a reflection of my mother and father.  I am still dealing with issues of self worth, learning how to think positive instead of negative, being too critical of myself.. which of course makes me feel worthless.  I learned how to do it to myself after years and years of listening to my parents.  I am now my own worst enemy.  I know my parents love me, and I know they were only doing what they knew how to do.  I hope that Tia will find it in her to realize the destruction of a human that she is causing.  After 20 years of being taught  not to think and just obey I am trying to undo everything I've learned and learn how to be more positive.  This is a big and very hard thing to do. 

  

Tia, I hope you read these message boards and I sincerely hope there is a follow up show that will exhibit changes you have made for the betterment of your children. 

  

  

 
August 16, 2005, 9:37 am CDT

Identifying with Tia

This was an interesting show for me to watch for two reasons. One, I am also a teacher. Two, my 13 year old son watched it with me. I think that when you are a teacher, you become so afraid for your own children. Thus, it is easy to go to extremes. I identified somewhat with Tia's behavior's and expectations. A lightbuld really went off for my son when Dr. Phil said that Anthony needed to be motivated from within and not from some external source. This is something my son and I have frequently discussed. It has been hard for me (because I love my son so much and want the best for him) to learn to give my son the opportunities to make his own choices and give him a hard time when he didn't meat my expectations. I can remember a time when he was so afraid so show me a grade less than an A. I am thankful that that has changed. 

  

 Tia, I think that if you look deep inside yourself, you will find that your children are also "jewelry" for you to wear.  Maybe (like me) there is some part of you that doesn't feel good enough and so you parade them around to show that you are. 

  

I pray that you choose to give your children some "wiggleroom". It makes life with your children so much easier and happier. My son enjoys my company and I enjoy his.  He no longer feels that his worth is based on his performance-a dangerous message for a child to receive. During the show, my son said that I had learned to give him wiggleroom and that he appreciated the fact that I trusted him. There is no better GRADE than that! 

 
August 16, 2005, 11:27 am CDT

Tia's intentions

I think Tia's intentions are in the right place,Tia just needs to learn not to hold the reins to tight and let her children grown. We all try to shield our children from pains, sorrows, and failure in life that we experience but not for those failures we wouldn't have grown and learned from them. 

  

Your doing a great job Tia, just let kids be kids and they will make you proud, before you know it they will be grown and gone. 

 
August 16, 2005, 11:54 am CDT

More results of control

Tia's behavior really hit a cord with me.  My father was very controlling and had high expectations of me but no where near Tia's. I was always an honors student in high school and involved in many clubs and activities in a leadership level.  I remember coming home at times with 100% and my father would say "Why didn't you get 105%?"  I never learned to make decisions or take risks because father determined everything I would do and how. Now am fearful of making mistakes and being judged "not good enough."  I have very little confidence in myself and always second guessing what I am doing because it may not be perfect enough. 

  

Dr Phil said a sad thing would be for Tia's children to say "I'm not good enough for my mother."  I think it could be worse--they may end up with an internal message of I'm not good enough (period) unless I do everything perfectly and unless I am perfect in every way.   

  

I am 42 and have been an overachiever and I am never happy and never feel that I am good enough.  It has caused me to be depressed and have a fear of failure. I don't really know what my true talents and interests are because my father always told me what they would be.   I often wonder what my life would be like had my father encouraged me to make decisions and learn from mistakes I made. 

  

CJ 

Canada 

 
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