Topic : 08/15 'Get Off My Back!'

I just wanted to say how impressed I was after watching yesterday's show.  It is so refreshing to see a couple willing to stand behind their marriage vows even when the going gets tough. Marriage challenges are difficult for both individuals to work through. I commend you both for your stick-to-itiveness and your willingness to honestly look at yourselves! You truly are an inspiration to all who were watching. May your example inspire others to sift through the difficulties rather than throw in the towel!!  

Jennifer 

Greenwood, IN 

 Thank goodness that Dr. Phil is here to save the day!!! 

First of all, I am very proud of Mike & Deanna! They are courageous for coming on the show and sharing this very private personal isssue with all of us in TV land. Mike is clearly remorseful for his actions/behaviors from the past... Deanna is also amazingly forgiving & patient too...I am so glad to see that you can "teach and old dog new tricks" as long as he/she is willing & motivated to make positive changes!!! Good Job Mike!!! Keep up the good work...practice make perfect... 

 Secondly, Tia is also very brave and courageous for even agreeing to participate and allow herself to be completely open on TV! Wow! On the one hand, I can understand that it is good to have high expectaions regarding your children... but Tia seems to be in the EXTREME range...I almost died when I heard her say that her " children were not allowed to get their PLAY CLOTHES dirty!!!" What kind of a childhood is that??? I hope & pray that Tia takes Dr. Phil's advice and allow her wonderful children to have goals, self-esteem, dreams, hopes, fun, and laughter!! If I were a man there is no way I could ever marry a person with such CONTROL issues... I certainly hope this situation is worked out before her son gets married!!  Good luck girl!  

Peace, Patricia from Northern California 

I just want to say congratulations for working this out.  Mike, it takes a lot of courage, willingness, and love to do what you did for the betterment of your family.  There are some other men out there that need to take lessons from you all.  MAY GOD BLESS YOU, YOUR WIFE, AND YOUR FAMILY! 

There is a distinctly different wisdom in the heart and in the head... and we can struggle between the emotional "wants" and the rational "how to get it."  Sometimes too much thinking causes our problems in living everyday life, ironically!  

I am guessing this beautiful woman might feel afraid to "just let go" those first few times to try on Dr. Phil's suggestions... and I bet that intelligent mind will fight with her heart as if letting go "this time" could be that "slippery slope" where giving in this time might lead to giving in more and more over time--as if this could become a complete lack of structure for the family she loves so dearly.  Yet, I believe the slippery slope IS the controlling behavior and expectation of perfection.  Surely Tia never intended to TAKE choices and responsibility from her boys--she certainly KNOWS they need to take on choices and responsibility themselves!  I bet she never realized that she was slipping down that slope as she directed her kids to practice, train, study, clean moment by moment.  She definitely has taught her kids to listen to her direction... and in overdoing it, she has inadvertently robbed them of so many other lessons because she made all the choices for them.    

It's so hard to watch your kids fall short sometimes.  And yet, there are such valuable lessons in those precise moments--that "I love you even when..." mode loving parents go into when kids come in 2nd place, even when they make a mistake, even when they forget, even when they make a poor choice, even as they are only learning to become a wonderful person!   

How else can we get our kids to understand that we are here to be loving and supportive if we don't allow those moments of last place, scraped knees and not yet knowing all the answers?  How can our kids really WANT to come to us for help, support and love if we can't empathize with the smallest of their poor choices if we don't sit back and let life itself help teach our kids?  I don't mean "being your kids buddy" here--I mean being the most valuable resource kids have ...where there are answers for them for a lifetime (if they will only ask once in a while) ...where there is a person who values them for the whole person they are ...one who will remind them all that is good about them when they feel crummy about themselves ...one who will not abandon them because they matter!  We have a love that is different than their friends--tough love sometimes--just mushy love at other times! 

Tia wants to hand the best of everything in the world to her kids on a silver platter!  Does she understand that some of what is best about life IS freedom to choose WHO we will be?   

Tia's kids really do deserve the best... especially the best mom they can have in her!  Wouldn't she be a much more FUN mom if she could laugh off a few human imperfections of her own and her family?  Wouldn't her kids RUN right to her if she was their PILLAR of strength instead of prison bars or a warden who instructed their every move and thought?  Won't she be WONDERFUL when she really understands how liberated her kids will be when they can take on some part of the choices and responsibilities of their lives?  I hope we get to see her kids REALLY thrive once she "gets it!"  I am betting she will get it!  

What fantastic boys she is raising!  Now if they could just enjoy life for a bit... THEN we would REALLY have some great men in the future... the kind of men who make choices for themselves... who ENJOY life's greatest gifts and because they love and enjoy life, they can SHARE that big, bold, beautiful experience with their own families and the world!  

Love and hugs to this great family!     

XXXOOO  

What an inspiration you are individually and as a beauiful couple!  You have touched my heart so deeply as I feel what is similar in your life and my own.  I am grateful you shared your experience because it shows me some very profound wisdom that you have found... and that you now live in your family!  

I think I understand where Mike's controlling came from and I know I understand how Deanna felt as she watched her marriage change from the one she once had and took vows to nurture for a lifetime.  My heart was breaking for Deanna until I saw the new-and-improved Mike with a fantastic gleem in his eye!  That said so much!  

What REAL power Mike has now!  He now controls more of his life than before because he is not alone like the old "control freak" version actually was--funny how it seems that control freaks are more "out of control" of their own lives so much more than the rest--guess that is the secret they are protecting whether they know it or not!    

What a powerful man it takes to step back and really SEE his family desperately wanting and needing to have the man of the family have a loving heart and working toward what creates the best life for everyone in the family!    

Now THIS MAN is truly worth following, listening to, respecting, loving!  

Congratulations, Deanna, for finding... then RE-finding the man you love!  

And, Mike, congratulations to you for BEING a real, truly powerful, loving MAN!  

    I normally do not write in message boards, but I love Dr. Phil (obsessed college student).  He has great advice and reminds me a lot of my parents. Your story was very motivating. I want to tell you the importance of how your decision to change will affect your son in such a positive and rewarding way.  Mike, I think what I thought on your first appearance was how rewarding your life would be if you walked in the door and just showed your love.  I often think society forgets that many times all people want is to be loved.  I feel you now see how important that is, I show my love and vulnerability, it makes me more of a man and it is actually quite rewarding.  Thank you for showing everyone that change is possible and what a real man of the house can provide.  I wish you and Deanna the best of luck in the future!  

I don't think Mike has changed all that much.  This was said before when this show aired in March.  This wonderful "turn around" was way too quick & he didn't do this for concern for his wife & family he did the show to "prove the posted on the message board wrong.     

It must be real hard for him to admit being wrong.  Deanna defended him in the original show & she was STILL defending him & saying that the people posting here were a little to hard on him?!  Fom what I read & hear abuse victims often defend their abusers it's part of the cycle & so is the making up stage & the "honeymoon stage" where they look to the world like a perfect couple. After the original show they went home & in their words "Things got a lot worse" & they'd split up.  This wasn't the first time they'd split up & splitting up is part of the cycle too.  Then comes the Honeymoon phase & then the abuse comes back around & is usually worse.  Then the cycle comes back around again.   

He didn't say he was wrong in his controling behavior, they just avoid being around each other when she's doing the things he believes is "wrong" like brushing her teeth & showering!  I hope to heck I am wrong but this show was a repeat from like March & I'd love to know if this was the reality of theirnew life or just a honeymoon that's now over.    

In the original message board this couple had actually posted on the message board & I'd love to see 1 of them post here again.  I'd love to know if they're still back together &/or if Mike is getting any angerr management classes & if they're still in some kind of counseling?    

I'm in the process of raising teens/young adults & let me tell you you don't know what you're talking about when it comes to raising them.  Unless you're a parent you just can't know & baby sitting doesn't count you're just baby sitting. If you were a parent you wouldn't have missed the messages that read like this   

"If I did not make all "A's" my Mom would cry - I felt like a worm.   

You know what I did? Because I could not live up to her expectations, I said, "what the heck...." I quit school at 17 and got married - to a man that took over where my Mom left off - assurring me that I was never good enough. " 

And then finished your post with the paragraph that started with the idea you don't believe the  "perfectionist seeking parenting style is ideal" ya think? 

Only God knows the damage this woman has done in her class room with other peoples kids & the messes that she's created for the parents (who really ARE raising kids) to have to clean up.   If a kid is told over & over that they don't quiet messure up they will eventually QUIT like the young lady who posted that before mentioned paragraph.  They will also think that this is the normal behavior of someone who loves us & seek that out in their future relationships & wahla you've got a domestic abuse situation in the making.  Now you don't think this is the Ideal parenting style?  Get real........ 

This woman has some real issues for HERSELF to deal with & that she needs to work on.  The last thing we need is for her to think this country needs her to turn out kids like that.  The reason work is out sourced to over seas is because it is cheeper period.  And yes, while children from other country are expected to do more I believe the suicide rate is also higher there.  The parents in other countries practise many different styles & customes than here in the USA & frankly I'm glad my parents didn't arrange who I'd marry.  I graduated with someone who was from India & he wasn't even allowed to date in High school.  While he was the validvictoria he felt left out of all the FUN.   

I'm in my 40's & I have to say that the kids today have a heck of a lot more to have to deal with than we ever did back in the day & the last thing they need is some nut parent "EXPECTING" what they are incapable of!  Again I don't think you know what you're talking about.  Wait until you actually are a mother & really raising kids & particularly teens, because it's a whole new world.