Topic : 08/15 'Get Off My Back!'

I just wanted to send a message to Mike and Deanna.  I think that it is a testament to your character and love for eachother that you both decided to try and save your marriage instead of doing the easy thing that most do these days and give up.  Mike, I think you have done a wonderful job trying to change some of the things that you were so mercilessly criticized for on previous message boards.  Deanna, I feel such pride at being a woman when I see a woman such as yourself who is so strong that she is willing to fight for her marriage and her own happiness also.  I think your son is a very lucky young man to have such great parents.  Keep up the good work guys.  You deserve all the happiness in the world.  Lots of luck. 

Trish Newman 

Halifax, NS 

Please tell Tia that she sounds so arrogant on television regarding her children.  I feel extremely sorry for her children because all children want in life is their parent’s approval.  I bet, when the kids come home with 100% on their tests, she says, “Well it best stay that way.”  Give the kids the love they need and deserve.  And I thought my mom was hard.  My mom is Glenda the Good Witch and I don’t even need to say who the Bad Witch is. 

I am writing this to urge Tia to listen to Dr. Phil's advice.  To many it would seem like I had a "perfect" childhood and an almost perfect life of 23 years.  Ever since I can remember I've been told that mediocrity is not acceptable ever.  I was always told that it was the first level of failure and truly believed that.  There are many things on the show that you stated that were alarmingly too close for comfort.  I took all honors courses in high school, received perfect scores on multiple finals, and even received a perfect score on the science part of the ACT's (similar to the SAT's) but never truly felt proud for my achievements. One of the reasons being that those perfect scores paled in comparison to all the attention drawn to a mere score of 90-something on another final.   I had above a 98 average graduating from high school and even took college courses (writing, textual studies, chemistry, and calculus) during my senior year at a "big east" university. I was co-captain of three varsity sports teams and was also vice-president of both National Honor Society and Student Goverment Association, while also being voted onto prom court and homecoming court.  I applied to over fifteen colleges, all of which I was admitted, with the exception of my top choice, Dartmouth.  I chose to attend a very prestigious small new england college with the intent to major in chemistry to pursue a career in biomedical engineering.  My life was all planned out and seemed perfect.  What little knew was that I truly wasn't happy with myself, nor my achievements, always feeling that I wasn't living up to my parents expectations.  I went away to school at the age of eighteen and with the responsibility of being free, I failed miserably.  I drank too much, never studied, and shopped too much.  I was ultimately asked to leave the school.  I then came home and have been in the same rut for the past four years, working as a nanny, living with my parents, and attending school at a local community college where i've only had one successful semester.  It's hard to love yourself when you do well by most standards but feel like you don't make your parents happy but it's even harder to love yourself when you fail.  I have the mentality now that it's better to fail (since you're kind of succeeding in doing poorly) than being mediocre.  I'm writing this to you and to others to stress that you think you're doing the best for your children, urging them to do everything amazingly well, however you're hurting them.  I know my parents raised me the way they did since they love me so much but most of the time that's hard to realize since I hate myself for even tiny things going wrong.  I hope that you can take a step back and look at yourself and realize that your kids are wonderful and that the best they can do is the best for you, that doesn't always mean 100%.  Perfection is all subjective and impossible to achieve.  Two months ago I attempted suicide and am slowly now getting my life back on track.  I have to constantly remind myself that I'm okay the way I am and that I don't have to be perfect.  Please reconsider the way you're parenting so that ten years from now your kids you love so much aren't in my shoes. 

Dr. Phil, 

I would like to know if Tia has changed her way of thinking about her children being perfect. 

You  made her think about how she was parenting. I have seen children have nervious breakdowns 

when parents have had high expectations. 

Dr. Phil we did it your way with our two boys (37 & 40) thay couldn't have turned out better. 

I would have liked to have had 1/3 the caring and being there for their children that Scott and Tia have.  Just back off and look for the good things.  

I was wondering if Tia was that strict with her students? 

Marge

Southgate, Michigan (Counseling secretary for 27 yrs at a Middle School 

It is so great to hear that you opened your eyes to what was in front of you and what you could have lost if you didn't change somethings.  I'm very glad that things are going better with your family.  I really hope that things with you and your wife continue to go smoothly, and the relationship with your son continues to grow! 

I wanted to post something after watching today's show. If I had seen the first episode, I honestly would have been one of the many people that told Deanne to get out while she could. Mike, I wanted to say to you that I am SOOOO proud of you for taking the effort that most men in your situation would not have taken. In my eyes, you have shown that you are a true man. You and Deanne are in my prayers as your relationship grows.  

Thank you for restoring a little bit of faith in the fact that there is good in all people.  

I cannot express how proud I am of you, Mike. Good luck to you both in your relationship. :o) 

well i never thought that i would be so glad to here from these people. i had hope for mike after the last show. i am glad and amazed to not only here but see such a big difference. i can just see it. thank you mike and thank you dr.phil. been there done that. i wasnt as lucky as you guys. i got out and he is now in prison. ive been alone for quite a while now. i fear another relationship. but i must say you give me a little hope. thank you, thank you. 

Tia, I wanted to tell you something after I saw the show. I'm only nineteen, but I too had a mother that demanded perfection out of me. I know that in your heart of hearts as a mother you are only trying to ensure that your children have a bright and well-rounded, secure future. However, I also wanted to to warn you. I left the house at the age of seventeen because I thought in my mind that I could never meet my mother's expectations so there was no point in trying anymore--afterall, no human is perfect. Honestly, I it was a diffucult for me to realize that I can do ANYTHING that I wanted to in life--not only what my mother dictated or planned for me to do. That I could be a doctor or a car sales woman or a vet or just a stay at home mom. It's been a long and emotional road to self discovery for me because I wasn't given the chance to discover myself as an adolescent. 

Tia, I reach out to you as a daughter who wishes with all her heart that I had a closer relationship with my mother. However, it was the fact that she was so extremely demanding of me that I severed ties. When I took on bigger things in life--AP courses, a job, atheletics, band, debate-- I couldn't perfect everything and it drove me to insomnia and depression. Finally, I just gave up. I don't want that for you and your children because I can see that the only thing that you wish for is the best. Please, lighten up on your children and encourage them to make their own choices. I know that it is hard to see a child fall especially when you see that they have the potential to soar extremely high, but the way that we learn in life is much like the way that we learn to walk--we have to fall in order to get back up. If you don't let them fall with imperfections and let them choose to get back up, one day they are going to be in the real world and fall and not know how to get back up because mom isn't there to guide them step by step.  

Being a mother is to teach your child how to exist in this world. To demand their best is great but do it within reason. If they only get that 95%, applaud them for their effort. Every now and then, ask them instead of telling them-- "Hey, do you think you could have done better?" Perhaps, that will be an equal medium to start going in the right direction. 

My heart yearns for you and your children to not stray. You don't want your children to grow bitter towards you or worse, leave you, like I did my mother. As a child in a situation similar to your children's I often found myself in a state of depression when I couldn't do something to perfection.  

I wish I had the words to convey all that I mean. Just know that you and your family are in my prayers. It may be hard to change, but change, when embraced can reap so many beautiful things. 

Good luck to you and your family. 

I have sat and listened to Tia talk about the what she demands from her kids and my mind went back for my own childhood. I'm having a hard time typing this because I can't seem to stop my tears.My daddy raised me the same way she is raising her kids. I can remember being told, " Yes, thats not bad. But you could have done this, this, and this better." She doesn't realize how terribly lonely her kids must feel. I KNEW my daddy loved me. But I also knew that he was never completely satisified with me and I never quite lived up to his expectations.  

She thinks this is going to make her kids strive to be the best and to work hard. Well, if they do what I have done she is right. Unfortunately, if they feel the way I feel they will never feel like what they accomplish is good enough, they will never feel smart enough, they will drive themselves into the ground working long hours and trying to fit in. I'm 42, my dad has been dead for 3 years and I am still not quite good enough, smart enough, etc.. Making a mistake is something I can't accept from myself. 

I hope she can find a different direction. I know what her kids feel like and it is definitely NOT a good feeling.