Topic : 08/16 Bullies

While it may upset some people to "blame the victim" -- victims are not always 100% innocent. I've been saying this all along...sometimes supposed "victims" can be the bullies in disguise. In this day an age when there is new awareness of such problems and there is more and more being done about it-- if you have someone that has been secretly (whether it be physically or verbally, or even social abuse) tormenting you for weeks and then you finally get upset and exclaim, "oh I'll get them!!!" it can be percieved as a threat to the other student when the whole story hasn't been brought to life. Personally, even though I suffered bullying during middle school, I think that there is more advanced, smarter type of bully (sociopathic perhaps?) that can use concerned parents, teachers and school administrations to do their bullying for them. All you have to do is level an accusation that someone you don't like is bullying you and you don't have to do anymore. Their reputation is ruined and you can keep doing whatever you want to them and if they fight back it makes it worse for them. Watch out for this...I've seen it happen and it has happened to me.  

Dear Tess,  

i just wanted to say sorry for what you have been going tho i have gone tho that before not on the net but in school from grade 6-9 I know what it feels like and now the bullying has stopped since i am in grade 10 now. I am also apart of an anti-bullying program runned by my board. we get 1 student from every school and we meet to help our city Hamilton Ontario to help stop bullying on the net and on school grounds we discuss ways to stop it we have made a poster to be put in all schools in our city and in malls to let kids know that this is not OK. I am really upset when people bullying other people and i listened to what you said and you are a pretty, actrive girl like Dr.Phil said to you. If you want to talk to someone that knows how you feel i am here for you i hope the bullying stop's soon. and maybe someone will stand up for you. I know if i was there i would for you but i am not there right now. people need to learn that bullying is not right at all and the cities, schools and the government need to stand up to that and make better laws against bullying because at my school they just go home for a week and then they come back there just be more to it then that I hope you get this message. and hang in there. if you need a pen-pal i am here for you. Thank you for your time. I nope it stops  

From Jason 

I disagree with you, some victims can be innocent in it.  I was bullied for years in school, and I can not remember an instance of where I made them bully me.  I was a quiet, reserved, intellegent person who kept her nose in a book for most of my school years.  In fact, three of the girls who bullied me had been my friends in elementary school, then we were parted for a year, she was in sixth and I in seventh, and the year after that she started in on me.  It was never something my parents cared to deal with or help me with [long story with that but they basically bullied me at home too] so I was left to deal with it on my own.  The teachers ignored it, the bus drivers ignored it, and one day in 11th grade I had enough and popped someone in the nose.  That ended the whole thing.  No one bullied me again.  I can tell you though, if I saw any of these girls today, I'd open up a can of whoop a-- on them.   

I think these schools need to adopt a no bully policy.  Not one that is just written down, but one that is actually enforced.  The schools ARE responsible in providing a safe and stress free enviroment so our children can learn.  And any adult who ignores this responsibility by refusing to help, or making it harder for the bullied children and easier for the bullies, is a bully themselves.  It is idiotic to think that when parents try to get something done about it they are turned away.   

On the show, they had the mother who's daughter had killed herself because of a bully.  The girls that pushed the daughter over the edge should have been punished.  The rumors and "theme of the day" thing should have been stopped.  It should never have happened.  How many adults work at that school?  How many of them saw something questionable?  Heard something questionable?  And yet no one helped.  They aren't innocent in this, they stood by and let it happen, when they d--n well should know better.  They are weak people, probably more interested in a perverse popularity contest with the kids, being the cool teacher, that they end up bullying the unpopular kids.  It's a shame to our society to have parents afraid of sending their kids to school.  A shame that some teachers and school staff have no backbone, no compassion and no common sence to help when it's needed. 

~Cenobia 

I realize that there are innocent victims. Infact a good majority of victims are innocent. I am simply stating that there is a new type of bullying that has been brought to my attention, and has happened to me personally. I have been accused of being a bully. I have been accused of being toxic, yet when I request evidence and/or proof of the horrible abuse that I have subjected my former friend to I am simply called names and told that I should see a shrink. They claim that I have anger issues and insist on taking them out on this particular person.   

I have document after document of evalutions from school counselors, a hired psychologist, testaments from friends and family as to the stubstance of my character. Like Tess on the show, this girl claimed I was jealous of her and her relationship with her mother etc. None of which is true, and my reputation was and continues to be severly damaged. However, since I was the one labeled as "The Bully" , "The agressor" and "The Hater" what I have to say is disregarded.  

NOTHING has been proven, both my home university and the university that is hosting me abroad have not pursued complaints against me for harassing this girl (see my posts in Bullying and Toxic Friendships). As far as I can tell the only reason this girl and her mother are out to take me down and verbally slander me is that I expressed concern about her waiting to go to college because her mother wanted her to.   

That is the only reason I can think of, and that doesn't make me a 100% innocent either.  Whether or not my intentions were malacious, I stepped on toes. It could stem from something as innocent as expressing your concern for a friend. I am being tormented daily with emails threatening imprisonment and telling me how sick I am. I should get a life etc.   

I am not saying that there are bullies out there that are abusing other kids at school for no reason, but what I AM saying is that there is ALWAYS another side of the story that we don't often hear. There is no reason to bully-- obviously, but there is nothing that says that the victim is 100% innocent either.   

Kids can be mean because they are jealous, and just plain ugly. However, it IS possible that the victim has been equally rude to them in the past. From what I remember of High School, if someone was being bullied it was in retaliation.   

I too have been bullied (aside from my current situation) and I didn't do anything major. I went to school, was on the debate team, and theatre troupe etc. I was an honors student and I still got bullied. HOWEVER, I can remember times when I would respond less than gracefully to the bullying rather than just walking away from it like I should have. I realize now that I was just giving them fuel to torment me with when I tried to respond and give 'em what for verbally.   

I agree with you that there should be a bullying rule on every campus. I am a member (since my experiences) of a college and high school movement at The University of Texas at Austin that aims to help students cope with Peer Pressure, Hazing, bullying and other issues on campus.    

Please do not misunderstand about what I am saying. There is no excuse for bullying, but I have recently encountered bullies that turned out to be the victims because the alleged "victims" cried wolf. They used concerned parents, and school counselors to sully the student's reputation and made it easier to torment the "bully" with the assurance that nothing would happen to them.   

This new type of bully needs to be dealt with-- which is why I incourage investigating both sides of every issue and getting your children to relay (in ALL honesty) the conversations that go on with their tormentors. It is true that there are innocent victims that don't realize they are exposing themselves to more torment by responding. I am not blaming them, but merely informing them that no matter what you say to the bullies that harass you it isn't going to make them leave you alone. They will just use your words against you.   

No one deserves to be blamed for things they did not do. False accusations of bullying, racism, and other PC Issues are happening more often. I agree that it is a problem, but I don't agree with Witch-Hunts, or students that abuse the new systems in place that are meant to protect the innocent.   

Hello to all: I decided to use my love of blogging to create a blog to help educate and work to help the growing problem of bullying.   

The web address is: http://diaryofabully.blogspot.com/  

Please feel free to post comments to it and let me know your view. I will be working to get new information, definitions,  help numbers and other important information for victims.   

While I agree that Tess shouldn't be bullied at ALL-- I find it interesting that a girl who is physically attractive and fairly successful made it on the show. Why not put someone on the show who doesn't have the advantage of being good-looking? The reason for the bullying for Tess was that they were jealous of her. Well, for some reason I don't really buy the fact that that was the only reason. Perhaps she acted like she was better than them?   

While I realize the bullying isn't the answer, as I have said before, I think it is extremely interesting that the possibility that Tess said something or did something to provoke or alienate these girls into their campaign against her is a little bit naive and short-sighted.   

I do not condone the bullying, but I have been the victim of many a stuck-up, pretty girls while I was in middle school. Most of the time they would seem like angels to the people I would report the abuse, name-calling and harassment to. The teachers would say that there was nothing that they did to me to make me want to report them.   

Perhaps these girls have been tormented or betrayed by Tess in the past and they'd had enough? Why isn't this a possibility? Is it because Tess is pretty and we feel sorry for her?   

I agree totally that something should be done to prevent bullying in school, but presenting Tess as 100% blameless in this situation isn't necessarily the right thing to do. I believe that if you delve into the situation a little deeper there is something that was done to invoke mistrust and general dislike of Tess by other people.   

I think it is extremely sad that just because Tess says so that we should believe she is blameless. I will admit that there are those that are mean for no reason, but to not even consider the possibility that she may have had a hand in her own demise at the school is ridiculous. What happened to considering both sides of the story?  

I support Tess and believe that she should not be bullied to the extent that she has been, but why not put on both sides to be fair?  

I have been researching various forms of bullying and came across this instance. It confirms that there must be other instances of this "reverse-bullying". Here is the information:    

False Victimization Syndrome:    

This occurs when an individual attempts to convince others that he or she is being stalked, victimized or bullied through the invention of claims made to re-establish a failing relationship and/or gain attention (Zona, Palarea, and Lane, 1998). Individuals who exhibit these characteristics may also fit the criteria for histrionic personality disorder (DSM-IV, 1994): demanding to be the center of attention, shallow expression of emotions which shift rapidly, and speaks in a manner that is overly impressionistic and lacking in detail.    

In these very frustrating cases, the stalker may believe that he is the victim. Sometimes he even reports his victim to the police as having stalked him . . . . In these cases, the true stalker is usually the one who initiated contact, although this is not always so. . . . In reality, this kind of stalker suffers from a severe lack of self esteem. He feels very inferior to the victim whom he admires greatly, although he will rarely admit this to be true. These stalkers, believing themselves to be inferior to, or wronged or rejected by the ones they admire most, begin harassing and following the victims, spreading tales, keeping tabs, and in many instances plotting revenge. . . . In false victimization syndrome, the stalker is extremely manipulative. Very frequently he convinces himself and others that the victim is the one at fault, when in truth the victim frequently would have had no contact with or knowledge of the stalker if the stalker had not begun a campaign against him. Often the victim is reported to the authorities for defending himself from the stalker. . . . Frequently delusional and always irrational, when presented with the facts, this stalker will rationalize and manipulate everything he can and ignore even a direct question, in order to preserve his fantasy of being the victim. He will initiate conflicts and then twist them in his favor in an attempt to gain positive attention for himself. He wants, in a nutshell, to be like his victim and when he feels that he does not measure up, his motive is to bring his victim down. Sometimes this means merely trying to ruin his victim's reputation by spreading lies and rumors. Other times, this means murder.    

support Tess and believe that she should not be bullied to the extent that she has been, but why not put on both sides to be fair?    

i find it disturbing dat u would say something like that. the people who were bullying her were given the chance to appear on the show but they decided not to appear. bullying doesnt only happen to people who r ugly and less fortunate. things have changed a lot n people are bullied for different reasons now. i know this cause im 14 n i go to a high school were a lot of fights happen or stupid reasons. and people get gangs of people and jump other students with gangs and are now in jail.