Quote From: miraclegrlThis was a very powerful show for me personally, as a survivor of bullying in the elementary and middle-school years. I was saddened to read some of the “get over it” comments which seem a harsh response to a person who is so clearly hurting. Bullying victims are susceptible to what is called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is not unlike what veterans of a war go through. The target of bullying (notice I don’t use the word “victim”) “soldiers on” through the trauma (usually isolated by their own silence and shame), but the experience hurts them at such a deep level that it is not unusual or unreasonable for it to continue to haunt for many, many years. It is not as simple as “get over it”—wouldn’t we all love to get over everything quickly? It’s a healing process, and it takes different lengths of time for different people.
No one who has ever suffered a traumatic experience should add to their pain by blaming themselves for not “getting over it.” Ongoing emotional pain can actually create chemical changes in the body which induce depression, anxiety, and other reactions which might indicate a need for medication for a short period of time. In addition, therapy or other forms of healing (such as massage or meditation) can help. Cognitive-behavioral therapy has been shown to be particularly useful in trauma situations so seek out a therapist who uses that technique: if you’re not sure, many hospitals and psychology departments at Universities have clinics or can refer you to cognitive-behavioral psychologists or counselors.
From a perspective many years since my experience, I can see that Dr. Phil is absolutely correct when he says, “hurting people hurt people.” The boys who tormented me for so many years were themselves the product of abuse and terrible home situations. I believe there’s a reason for everything and that any experience can be used to strengthen oneself. My experiences led me to focus on my education and succeed professionally, pursuing a career in the helping professions, and gave me more empathy and compassion for other peoples’ suffering. I am less tolerant of inappropriate behavior from others and I have learned to set boundaries. I also believe in my own ability to survive anything- I am quite strong for having had the experiences I’ve had in life.
There were some key, telling moments in this show which particularly caught me:
- I thought both individuals were sad in their own ways: Susan is still caught in her pain- and probably experiencing it daily, and EJ apparently hasn’t grown much emotionally since high school.
- I found EJ’s comments insensitive, lacking in genuineness, full of denial, and cruel. In my opinion, EJ’s denial of Susan’s experience was simply more bullying on her part. I find it impossible to believe that she didn’t remember Susan or the situation. Her own statements about the class reunions point that out. Not to mention her history: it’s absolutely believable that someone who had her own feelings of shame and anger at her mother (and those feelings are normal- they don’t mean she didn’t love her mother) would project her pain onto a person who most resembles that mother--Susan. Susan became a target for EJ’s unresolved feelings and anxieties about her own situation. Dr. Phil was clearly being professional and trying not to open up a can of worms (there’s an axiom in psychology: you don’t open doors you can’t close). Hopefully, EJ will seek help herself and deal with her own issues when/if she chooses to look at herself honestly.
- Dr. Phil made some very insightful and helpful comments: his statement about “30 years and one day” of suffering being worse than 30 years was so true. Susan has a lot of work to do emotionally, but the payoff will be well worth it. I also found his statement about the internal conversations we all have in our heads very helpful. He’s right-- people who’ve experienced trauma replay it in their heads long after it’s gone and then proceed to become their own worst enemy—often bullying themselves much harder than anyone else. People who are targets of bullies do have a role in the situation—but as children they often aren’t equipped to deal with it. But we do contribute to it either by not fighting back, speaking up, feeling helpless, etc. This is not “blaming the victim” but rather acknowledging that in any situation it takes two to tango. If you’ve been the target of bullying you have to look at your role so that you don’t keep repeating it.
Thanks for reading this. And thanks to Dr. Phil for continuing to cover this very important subject.
I can't believe you compare bullying victims with veterans of war. You can't be serious! Are you a veteran yourself? Are you some kind of doctor who works with PTSD? There is no comparrison! There is a BIG difference!
Definition: PTSD is a medical diagnosis, established in 1980, defining symptoms that last at least a month after experiencing a major trauma. These symptoms include remembering or reliving the trauma when you do not choose to; feeling numb and withdrawn; and, having forms of anxiety that interfere with daily life.
I agree that soldiers and veterans suffer from PTSD, but a victim of bullying, come on!
I don't think Sue suffered from PTSD (your diganosis) just because EJ bulled her. I am sure she had a very traumatic experience when she became an unwed pregnant teen, topped with a certain group/clique led by EJ who picked on her and said and did nasty things to her while she was there in school. Plus you add in the hormones of a pregnant girl and a teenager who had to make the choice to give her child up for adoption, what a combination.
But surely, you can't compare that to a young soldier who leaves his family to go to a foreign country to fight a war. A soldier who is on high alert every second of the day, fearing for their lives in battle, wondering if today might be their last. Will they see their parents, spouse, children, family, or friends again? Bombs, bullets or gernades going off near you all of the time. Missing the birth of your first child. See your battle buddy loose a leg, arm or life when a bomb explodes. Not to mention how it must feel to kill someone, even if they are your countries enemy, that is not an easy task to live with for the rest of your life for some of the soldiers.
Do you still think that a bullying victim is like a veteran of a war who suffers from PTSD?
(Original airdate 04/20/05) Dr. Phil looks at the pain of being separated from someone you love. Susan was only 15 when she placed her baby for adoption. She soon returned to high school, where she was then tormented by her classmates. After 27 years, is Susan emotionally prepared to confront the classmate who she says made her life hell? And where is her daughter now? Join the discussion and share your thoughts.
