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Topic : 08/26 Cheaters Caught on Tape

Number of Replies: 13
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, August 19, 2005, 03:23:38 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original airdate 05/10/05) What can you do to protect your marriage from infidelity, and what clues should you look for? See what happens when a Dr. Phil producer goes undercover and sets up a blind date with a straying spouse. Then, Candace thinks her husband, who has cheated in the past, is still being unfaithful. She does a little investigating of her own, and then sends the evidence to Dr. Phil. Is she ready to hear what's really going on? And, Scott says he has stopped cheating on his wife, but her constant suspicion is driving him crazy. Can he be trusted and can she move on?  

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

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August 26, 2005, 1:11 pm CDT

Can you trust again?

This is my hardest problem.  Some of you may think I am just stupid for still being with my husband, but here it is....while we were living together, engaged and pregnant, he went out with some friends and while he was gone, I started looking at our computer and found some emails to one of his ex's, dirty emails.  And of course, porn on the computer.   Well, I went off on him...i was very mad about it.  He explained to me that the emails were just a joke to her (which no, I don't believe) and that he didn't know why he looked at porn.  I of course caught him looking at porn a few more times after that.  Anyhow, we were fighting almost daily, both vocally doubting if we should even be together.  Well, just about 8 or 9 months into our marriage, I was pregnant again, and all of a sudden, he left.  He went and stayed with a female co-worker.  Said he needed space, cause he wasn't sure if we should even be together, that he loved me, but wasn't sure he was still in love with me.  It took about 1 1/2 - 2 months till we decided to try and work things out...he didn't move back in with me, but with an approved friend, lol.  About a month later, we started marriage counseling and he moved back in with us.  He admits to kissing this other girl, but said that nothing else happened.   I have a hard time believing that nothing else happened, and I think that may be why I still have a very hard time trusting him.  It's been over a year now since we've been back together, and I know that he loves me very much.  We don't fight anymore, we communicate so much better now, but how do I get over my trust issues.  For the most part, I honestly don't think that he would cheat, but there's still that part of me that fears it.  As for if something happened with that other girl...I wasn't there, so I don't know.  And I don't think I want to know, cause it would really hurt and upset me if something did happen. 
 
August 26, 2005, 2:31 pm CDT

Ashley Madison is a Homewrecker

 As I watched the first segment of the show today, I was disgusted by the founder of ashleymadison.com.  He has a very naive way of thinking if he thinks that he is providing a "safe" service for married people to meet each other.  Firstly, as far as I am concerned, if you choose to marry, then you should not be seeking any type of romantic/emotional relationship outside of your marriage.  Secondly, I have had my own personal experience with that website and it was not a good one.  When my husband and I were first married, we lived with his parents for about a year.  One day, my father-in-law asked my husband to help him download a picture of himself onto a website.  When my husband and I were talking later that evening, he told me that his dad had asked him to post his picture on the ashley madison website.  We started investigating and found out that my father-in-law was having a relationship with a woman he met on the website.  To make a long story short, my in-laws ended up getting a divorce and my mother-in-law has had to deal with those issues ever since.  For the founder of this site to sit there and say that he is providing a service that is needed is ridiculous! Cheating is cheating and anyone who condones cheating is just as bad as the person who commits the act itself!!!
 
August 26, 2005, 3:12 pm CDT

omg!! been there!!!!!!!

I have been there and done that. The 2nd wife whose husband had 2 affairs in 9 yrs!!! also the first wife who wanted dr phil to tell her to get out?????? omg!!! i will tell her! GET OUT!! I just recently got out of a marriage of almost 9 yrs!! will be 9 yrs on sept 10! my husband and i seperated in 2002 when he came home from work and told me one night, i love you but i am not IN LOVE with you. i had a strange feeling he was seeing someoen else, but everyone kept saying to me, he would never do that to you!! well he started going thru what i call a midlife crisis and he bought a motorcycle, started losing weight, liked the way girls looked at him. he went from an over night shift job to a day shift job, and i quit my day job with the postal service, which i liked doing to stay home and take care of our children. he befriended a woman at his work who he says was going thru what he went thru with hsi first divorce! anyway, things went on and he spent more time away from home and more time wiht his friends and at work. i always told him, if you cheat on me or abuse me or your children i am gone. well when he told me he wasnt in love with me, that was it, i left. packed up my girls and moved back home. we were seperated for a year and 1/2/. i went into a homeless shelter for this time and finally was bettering myself. i had already had him served divorce papers, but he couldnt be served cause no one knew where he worked.everytime i moved i wrote to him at his mothers mailing address so he would know where i was with the girls. i always told him i would never take his girls away. well!! christmas 2003 out of the blue he calls me and says he is on his way down at that very moment with christmas presents for the kids and we needed to talk. anyway, he told me he still loved us and wanted to work it out and of course i took him back, i always loved him and he knew i would take him back. anyway, he moved back, we went to counselling, the girls were exstatic daddy was back, everything was great. we found a rental a mile from the beach and we were happy.our counselling was going great also. his friends at work invited him otu a few times to go to drinks and play pool. he always said no cause he thought i would be mad. i always told him as long as he told me where he was and when he would be home, and called to say goodnight to the girls i wouldnt be mad. anway, he started going out one night a week, i never got to go out cause i worked nights and he would go out on the nights i had off. and then!!! he asked me to get a weekend off so he could go out of town with his friend for the weekend, i couldnt get the time off, he went anyway which he didnt tell me he had already paid for the tickets!!! he left on a friday ngiht when i got out of work, he said he would be home saturday night, which i knew he wouldnt be home till sunday. i called him all day sunday asking when he would be home, no answer on hsi cell phone conventiently! finally i called a cell number i remembered on hsi cell phone, he called 1/2 hour later yelling at me for calling his friend, told me he wouldnt be home, he wasnt happy, wasnt comfortable at home, wasnt comfortable with me. I had to work in 1/2 hour, so had to scramble for family to watch my daughters!!! he told our 9 yr old daughter he would be home the next morning to get his uniform for work and to see them. the last straw was when she got up the next a.m and sat on our bed and waited for him to come home till the bus showed up for her to go to work and he never showed, she cried the whole time till the bus came. i went home, packed his clothes up and took him to his work and told him if he was soo happy with his friends at work and his friends would let him stay there while he was supposedly out for the weekend, he could just move in  with them!! he had to babysit the girls while i worked and hasnt seen the kids since june 3rd!! no calls no nothing. i would love to talk to that woman on the show that wanted dr phils advice and for him to tell her that there was no hope! i had soo much hope for my marriage, but after hurting me 3 times and lying to my daughters and the looks on their faces that a.m  just got me strong enough to finalty tell him it was over. and we are going to court in oct. 2005!!! any time i can talk to someone about what they shoudl do if their husband has cheated i would love to!!!
 
August 26, 2005, 3:51 pm CDT

To Tracy and Scott

"We got married because she got pregnant, and I was trying to do the right thing. And hopefully, I thought in my mind that we could fall in love, you know, eventually, and that did happen," Scott explains. "The love that I have for her has grown over time."
 

Tracy... no wonder you are insecure.  I can't imagine how much that must hurt to know this is how he felt when he married you.  Everyone dreams of their wedding day, marrying your prince, madly in love - being pregnant is not part of the fantasy.  The doubts and insecurity I experienced as a result took me 10 years to get over - and that was with an amazing, loving husband.  I can't even begin to imagine how you coped when you found out he was also cheating.  You need to take care of you, and learn to trust him again.  I believe him when he says he loves you and you need to, as well.  I would strongly recommend re-doing your wedding vows.  I would start over and take a trip as your second honeymoon.  You need new memories and pictures plus you could probably use the holiday.  Does walking on the beach, sand in your toes, holding hands, etc. sound like a good idea? The most important thing would be to say your vows as you look into each other's eyes and renew your commitment to be faithful, for life.  I think it would be very helpful to begin a new chapter.  I sincerely wish you well. 

  

Nancy 

 
August 26, 2005, 4:07 pm CDT

08/26 Cheaters Caught on Tape

That woman really needs to get a clue and not think that she can save the Marriage.
 
August 26, 2005, 4:39 pm CDT

to the lady who's husband didn't show..

I didn't catch your name but to the lady who's husband is a cheater and didn't come to the show: 

You said you are worried that he won't get the help he needs if you leave him.  I want to tell you what my psychoanalyst told me when I said similar things about people that were hurting me: 

He said it's much easier for you to focus on their problems and helping them rather than help yourself!  After evaluation, I found this to be very true - it was my lack of self-worth (of which I was in denial about too) that made me unable to see that this was what I was doing.  You need to put yourself first and only, until you are happy, and then you can occasionally help others with their baggage - but not until you do your work first. 

I hope this helps - Good luck to you! 

 
August 27, 2005, 6:36 am CDT

Candance

I can completely and profoundly relate to Candance, Been there done that!  I understand where Candance is at, I too have been in a similar situation and for me hearing it from friends, relatives and strangers didn't do it for me.  Candance my hope is the words I am about to write will somehow spark something within you so you can take control of your life and begin to heal.  

   

I too looked for someone to give me the answers, when all along I knew what the answers were.  My self esteem and self worth at it's lowest, I didn't trust myself. For me I needed to have all of my 5 senses involved, I needed to see it, hear it, touch it, smell it and taste it (a bitter pill to swallow).  

Looking back there were so many signs and symptoms that I chose to ignore.  I allowed his lies to cloud my judgement and form my reality.  I stopped listening to that thing in my stomach which told me something here is very wrong.    

   

I went back and read through my journals and found this "Loving someone means I will tell you the truth even when it hurts because I love you enough to give you an option to continue this relationship or move from it", oddly enough these were his very words to me the night he told me he loved me.  This was my jumping point, a place where I grew strenght.  From this moment forward when ever I was in doubt I read this sentence over and over again.  As Dr. Phil would say I needed to get right with me first and foremost.  

   

My next step was to discover the facts, it would be a month long expedition and on some level I would stoop lower then him during my journey for the truth.   

   

Here is the timeline:  

   

1. I did a quick search of dating sites on the internet.  The first site I hit low and behold there he was, a picture of him in all of his glory.  The second site the same thing.    

   

2. I knew he was coming home on leave so I installed a key logger on to my computer-for those interested if you do a quick search these are free for a trial period on most sites.    

   

3. What I would find on the key logger journals would aid me in discovering the truth.  I had email accounts, passwords, cellular phone log in information, banking account log in information, you name it I had it.    

   

4. For the next 2 weeks I logged in to his various accounts , checked his phone records and created a spreadsheet with reoccuring numbers, I had the facts sitting before me.   

   

How this played out...........I received a phone call from him at 2am distraught, crying, hysterical.....I knew something was wrong.  I checked his bank account and to my surprise there was a charge from a hotel in Savannah.  His was out with friends so I had thought but the facts were sitting in front of me.  I started calling reoccuring numbers from his cell phone records and I would discover he was not only engaged to me but he was seeing at least 4 other women and picking women up in bars.  I had the truth there was no denying it.  He was and had been cheating on me the entire 5 years, which was no surprise to anyone in my life.  

   

I mustered up ever bit of my strenght and called him..........I stated the facts clear and to the point, I knew what was going on and the lies were going to stop.  To this day he has neither denied nor confirmed the facts.  Which is unimportant for me, my grandmother once told me men lie to self perserve, she was so right!!!  I have not talked to him since!!!  

   

Candance I will tell you this; finding the facts are the easy part...............living, loving, and trusting again has been the hardest part for me.  I will never again be who I was, naive and trusting, but what I have become is a stronger version of myself.  I have found strenght within me that I never knew existed.  I have learned to trust myself and my feelings, I no longer ignore that little thing in my stomach, and most of all I have learned to love me.  You can do this, you can get through this with the help of others.  You deserve more than you have been given.  If you need to talk or need someone to listen I am here and will continue to be.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.  

   

Stacey  

snowlady33@hotmail.com  

   

   

   

   

   

   

 
August 27, 2005, 8:17 am CDT

The woman that wanted Dr. Phil to tell her what she SHOULD do.

To the woman who suspected her husband was cheating, and knew in her heart he was.   Keep in mind, YOU were sleeping with him when he was married. Hmmmm....     What goes around comes around. Now you know how his former wife must have felt   when you were the woman HER husband was cheating with.  It sux, doesn't it??     NEVER sleep around with a married man!!  If he is cheating on his wife,   You can bet your behind, he will cheat on you too.
 
September 21, 2005, 8:22 pm CDT

It's not men how about women??

 Hi Dr. Phil, I just watched your show about cheaters caugt on tape. I know that we are behind in your shows, but while i was watching your show i have notice that you only focus on men, how about the women out there that does the same thing. I am a female and there are some women out there that does the same thing. Of course i am not one of them but it just seems that this show was just one sided.
 
October 11, 2005, 11:02 am CDT

Very Naiv

Hi i jus saw this show today, here in Denmark, I guess we are 5 month behind you shows in America, anyway... 

 

HOW NAIV CAN SHE BE??? 

 

She was then the other woman he had on the site, in his last married, and then she thinks he will not do it to her ohh my god... I couldnt do that to an other person, be the other woman, cause if he did it to her, he will do it again and think of all de deseases he is hanging around sleeping with all those women 

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater in my apinion, I couldnt  live with such a man! 

 

Love Anna 

 
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