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Topic : 09/07 Dark Family Secrets

Number of Replies: 216
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, September 02, 2005, 11:04:45 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

After years of suffering in silence, a family turns to Dr. Phil for help on a forbidden topic. Their silence stems from years of incest that took place between all five siblings. Becky, the oldest sister, is terrified those years of molestation and pain could cause her younger brother, Kenny, to die on the streets as a homeless drug addict. Find out what happens when Kenny faces his brothers and sisters as they confront their incestuous past. Plus, Alexis wants help with a heart-breaking secret. Her father got her pregnant eight times, beginning when she was just 15. Her children don't know that their grandfather is also their dad. Should Alexis tell them? Talk about the show here.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

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September 7, 2005, 3:18 pm CDT

sorry typo

Quote From: srndpty333

When I decided 20 years after my son’s disclosure to me that my brother, his uncle was sexually abusing him my family swiftly showed me the consequences.  I was gradually, passive aggressively ostracized by them all.  I was silent for 20 years and I was dying inside… I will not be silenced again. 

What i meant to say was, when i decided to tell my brother 20 years after the fact, that I wanted no more contact with him, my family gradually shunned me...my brother has never apologized to me for what he did to my son.  I trusted him with my child... and he only apologized to my son after I started "talking" and i truly believe it was a fear based apology...my brother has a lot to lose...he has everybody fooled...and I allowed him and my family to intimidate me into silence for so long they weren't expecting my "rebellion".  My family has not apologized to me for turning their backs on me and my son, or for the fact that it was ok with them that my little boy was being called a liar. 
 
September 7, 2005, 4:03 pm CDT

TMI

To me this show was TMI:  TOO MUCH INFORMATION  I think it is really sad.  I can't remember when stuff like this started coming out of the closet.  There was a time when it wasn't discussed and then all of a sudden was.  I know when I started having kids I was protective of my children and haven't had any incidents.  If I would have caught someone hurting my child in this way I probably would have hit them (although I am not a violent person).  If I had any reservation about my babysitters or the young boys they babysat... I wouldn't let my kids stay there.  Kids should be playing with toys and not having sex.  And this is something I think about this family:  as children they should have been playing with toys.  I feel bad about hearing it.  I don't want to know it.  I think the hard thing is that our society gauks these people which I think PREVENTS their recovery.  And now they did this as children, and are TALKING about it as ADULTS....  I think they should regress and do the things they should have been doing as KIDS like:  Play putt putt golf, swimming or bowling or things like that.... hobbies....  I just hope they don't carry it the rest of their lives.....and can get past it........
 
September 7, 2005, 4:27 pm CDT

Amazing

 
September 7, 2005, 4:37 pm CDT

amazing

It is so amazing to se how many people have experienced the same problems. I really thought I was alone. The fact that so many people have spoken up in just a few hours says that as hard as it had to be for those who appeared..it had to be all worth while. right?? I know after dealing with an incestuous relationship with my father, I didn't want anyone to know about it. I can't say I feel better, but it is so reassuring to know that your not the only one.   

   

I have recently begun my therapy, and it is amazing how much better you can feel when you get the help you need, and have the support from family and friends. Knowing your not alone is the key.  

   

Anyways, I am so glad that Dr. Phil has brought some light to this issue, and the realization that it really is happening, and that you can't close your eyes to it. the people living the nightmare do need a voice and it's about time that we had one. So thank you Dr.Phil, for bringing this out in the open and giving those who can help the chance. God Bless  

 
September 7, 2005, 5:19 pm CDT

TMI for who?

Quote From: missjane2

To me this show was TMI:  TOO MUCH INFORMATION  I think it is really sad.  I can't remember when stuff like this started coming out of the closet.  There was a time when it wasn't discussed and then all of a sudden was.  I know when I started having kids I was protective of my children and haven't had any incidents.  If I would have caught someone hurting my child in this way I probably would have hit them (although I am not a violent person).  If I had any reservation about my babysitters or the young boys they babysat... I wouldn't let my kids stay there.  Kids should be playing with toys and not having sex.  And this is something I think about this family:  as children they should have been playing with toys.  I feel bad about hearing it.  I don't want to know it.  I think the hard thing is that our society gauks these people which I think PREVENTS their recovery.  And now they did this as children, and are TALKING about it as ADULTS....  I think they should regress and do the things they should have been doing as KIDS like:  Play putt putt golf, swimming or bowling or things like that.... hobbies....  I just hope they don't carry it the rest of their lives.....and can get past it........

quote..."I feel bad about hearing it.  I don't want to know it.  I think the hard thing is that our society gauks these people which I think PREVENTS their recovery.  And now they did this as children, and are TALKING about it as ADULTS"....unquote 

  

...this is the attitude that prevents recovery...please if you are not affected by CSA try to imagine what it would be like...try to compare it to something you can relate to...say...like...ummm....putting your hand on a stove and not being allowed to scream and then that your burns were invisible to everyone but you...and when you tried to express your pain you were told not to talk about it and it was all in your head... 

  

...or maybe being at a family get together and you have a huge hole in your chest and your heart is hanging out and you are bleeding to death and everyone around you is smiling and laughing and having a good time...and nobody sees your injury and when you don't act all happy they look at you like you are crazy and start avoiding you. 

 
September 7, 2005, 5:21 pm CDT

If you don't want to hear it, don't

Quote From: missjane2

To me this show was TMI:  TOO MUCH INFORMATION  I think it is really sad.  I can't remember when stuff like this started coming out of the closet.  There was a time when it wasn't discussed and then all of a sudden was.  I know when I started having kids I was protective of my children and haven't had any incidents.  If I would have caught someone hurting my child in this way I probably would have hit them (although I am not a violent person).  If I had any reservation about my babysitters or the young boys they babysat... I wouldn't let my kids stay there.  Kids should be playing with toys and not having sex.  And this is something I think about this family:  as children they should have been playing with toys.  I feel bad about hearing it.  I don't want to know it.  I think the hard thing is that our society gauks these people which I think PREVENTS their recovery.  And now they did this as children, and are TALKING about it as ADULTS....  I think they should regress and do the things they should have been doing as KIDS like:  Play putt putt golf, swimming or bowling or things like that.... hobbies....  I just hope they don't carry it the rest of their lives.....and can get past it........
 TMI:
No one forced you to watch and no one forced you on the board.   For those of us who were incested, it is WONDERFUL to talk about it.    Why should I hide?   I did nothing wrong.   So, if it's too much for you, don't post or watch.
 
September 7, 2005, 5:33 pm CDT

Love

Quote From: missjane2

To me this show was TMI:  TOO MUCH INFORMATION  I think it is really sad.  I can't remember when stuff like this started coming out of the closet.  There was a time when it wasn't discussed and then all of a sudden was.  I know when I started having kids I was protective of my children and haven't had any incidents.  If I would have caught someone hurting my child in this way I probably would have hit them (although I am not a violent person).  If I had any reservation about my babysitters or the young boys they babysat... I wouldn't let my kids stay there.  Kids should be playing with toys and not having sex.  And this is something I think about this family:  as children they should have been playing with toys.  I feel bad about hearing it.  I don't want to know it.  I think the hard thing is that our society gauks these people which I think PREVENTS their recovery.  And now they did this as children, and are TALKING about it as ADULTS....  I think they should regress and do the things they should have been doing as KIDS like:  Play putt putt golf, swimming or bowling or things like that.... hobbies....  I just hope they don't carry it the rest of their lives.....and can get past it........
Remember when you were little and you had a cut or scratch and when your mother said, Oh let me see, and she kissed it and put a bandaid on it???  And suddenly it felt better...it wasn't the bandaid...it was the acknowledement of your wound...and the love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
September 7, 2005, 5:34 pm CDT

Kudos

Quote From: srndpty333

Any knowledge I have on this issue is from reading and doing research…I have just started therapy and am still not convinced I have the right therapist…I haven’t even started to address my own abuse…I have only talked about my guilt over how I dealt with my son’s abuse by my brother.

  

 

Unfortunately, most therapists do not specialize in this area, and received minimal training on the issue.  There are different schools of thought regarding incest and sexual abuse and one of them is to, “ignore it” i.e.;  “picking at a wound doesn’t encourage healing” …that is fear based thinking…if you are being told to “get over it” you are talking to the wrong person…the long term effects of CSA need to be managed not ignored.  You can’t will yourself to be healed….it is a process requiring hard work and commitment to face it.  Dr. Phil is right on the money when he says, “Monsters live in the dark.” 

  

 

Marilyn VanDerber stresses the importance of finding the right therapist.  Don’t settle and don’t ever give up on you.

  

 

I myself just recently discovered Ms. Blume’s check list…and I have got her book…”Secret Survivors” on order through the library.  The more I am validated the stronger I get.  And I’ve recently discovered that the more I talk about this on message boards or through journaling the saner I feel.

  

 

I am going to do some research on Judith Lewis Herman.  I hadn’t heard of  her and I like to read as much as I can on this topic.

  

 

I too struggle with emotional immaturity and sometimes feel like I am two people…one of me is strong and sure and one of me is a terrified lost child hiding from the world.  I just wish I had control over which one of me is in charge.

  

 

As far as therapy suggestions…I am searching too…but I think that talk therapy has shown proven results from what I read. 

  

 

  

 

Here is an interesting article I found at http://cms.psychologytoday.com

  

 

  

 

Talk Therapy vs. Drugs

By: Hara Estroff Marano
Summary: Two different kinds of treatment, drugs and cognitive behavioral therapy, combat depression but affect different parts of the brain.

  

 

  

 

Talk therapy and drug therapy both combat major depression, but a new imaging study shows that the two treatments have distinctly different effects on specific parts of the brain.

  

 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) changes metabolic activity in the cortex, the thinking brain, to modulate mood states. It works from the top down, altering how people monitor and react to negative emotional stimuli in their environment. Drugs, by contrast, work from the bottom up, modulating neurotransmitters in the brainstem, which drive basic emotional behaviors.

  

 

Reporting in the Archives of General Psychiatry, neurologist Helen Mayberg and colleagues at the University of Toronto found that the unique metabolic changes produced by CBT in the cortex reflect newly learned ability to detect troubling emotional stimuli and to keep them out of working memory, where they get amplified by rumination. Such changes may make a relapse of depression far less likely.

  

 

The effects produced by both types of therapy point to a larger, complex circuit of depression in the brain. "Our imaging study shows that you can correct the depression network along a variety of pathways," says Mayberg. "Drugs change the chemical balance in the brain through effects at very specific target sites. Cognitive therapy is tapping into a different part of the same depression circuit board."

  

 

  

 

I think you're so smart for doing so much research.

Having been at this for twelve years  (during which there have been improvements), I commend you for being careful about a therapist.   (Some continue to believe in "borderline personality disorder" rather than PTSD; IMHO, run, don't walk, away from those.)

My own expereince is that drugs and talk therapy work best.   Also, I went to a fourteen-week incest group therapy which was invaluable; that cured me of guilt quick.    Deep breathing therapy is fantastic.   But the most  important is the talk therapy.    The drugs, should you opt for them (and most people recommend them) will help you manage the symptoms you have now and get through the therapy.

Right now I'm looking for something called "social skills therapy."    As Dr. Phil said, one remains frozen at certain points and fails to mature.    I think the social skills therapy would help with this.

Don't fret.   I feel like I'm three, seven, six, fourteen, forty and eighty.   It's inevitable.    You're so smart though; and cautious too.    You'll no doubt know the right choices for you.
 
September 7, 2005, 5:51 pm CDT

09/07 Dark Family Secrets

Quote From: missjane2

To me this show was TMI:  TOO MUCH INFORMATION  I think it is really sad.  I can't remember when stuff like this started coming out of the closet.  There was a time when it wasn't discussed and then all of a sudden was.  I know when I started having kids I was protective of my children and haven't had any incidents.  If I would have caught someone hurting my child in this way I probably would have hit them (although I am not a violent person).  If I had any reservation about my babysitters or the young boys they babysat... I wouldn't let my kids stay there.  Kids should be playing with toys and not having sex.  And this is something I think about this family:  as children they should have been playing with toys.  I feel bad about hearing it.  I don't want to know it.  I think the hard thing is that our society gauks these people which I think PREVENTS their recovery.  And now they did this as children, and are TALKING about it as ADULTS....  I think they should regress and do the things they should have been doing as KIDS like:  Play putt putt golf, swimming or bowling or things like that.... hobbies....  I just hope they don't carry it the rest of their lives.....and can get past it........

" If I would have caught someone hurting my child in this way I probably would have hit them (although I am not a violent person).  If I had any reservation about my babysitters or the young boys they babysat... I wouldn't let my kids stay there" 

 

unquote... how many people who have had children abused do you think say the same thing?  My daughter was abused by the man she called dad (her step-dad)  

Do you think had I known about it I would have let her be anywhere near him? Heck no... I would have never in a million years thought he was doing anything to her. These people need to be ut on public notice so they do not continue to abuse. Just shutting them up and not talking about doesn't make it go away. If you think NOT telling your children about sexual abuse you are doing the wrong thing. I only wish I could go back and tell my daughter everyday not to let ANYONE touch her.  

  

Most predators can't just GET PAST it.. neither can victims. Easier said than done. 

 
September 7, 2005, 5:59 pm CDT

Dr. Phil Rocks

Great show today, Dr. Phil.   

  

Sexual abuse ruines lives.  I was abused at the age of 5 and didnt deal with it fully until i was 27-28.  I have self destructed in many ways.  I'm glad to see Dr. Phil giving this a voice.    

Remember one thing -  by staying silent you are keeping the Abusers secret  for him/her.  Its not your scret to keep, you have nothing to be ashamed of!!  Give yourself a voice, stand up and be heard!! 

  

I'm so proud of Kenny.  All the best to you. :o) 

 
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