Topic : 09/07 Dark Family Secrets

 Some of the shows I get on time where I am thanks to our local network and sometimes I get the belated.
I saw the Incest show yesterday and I saw a show on "is my family normal?" with the Osbournes and Barb with a husband who had an affair and had a child. I want to type my feelings and stories on both.

When I was a child, I was molested by a man that lived on the same property upon which we lived. I think I was also touched inappropriately by a family friend, but it is not as profound as the first incident. Unfortunately, I was introduced to oral sex by this man and I have had to work through my ambivalence with that in my marital life. 
My stepsister was also molested by this man, and he would make her make my stepbrother and I "play house"  or perform sex acts upon one another. 
I was a newbie into the family, my mother married the only father I had ever known when I was four. He is a good man, even though he never knew how to show me affection, but he was very strict in his discipline. My stepfather never touched me innapropriately, but  he was afraid to show me affection at all after I was molested because he did not want to confuse me. I was afraid of him because he was so stern,and I didnt trust men beacuse of what had happened to me. So when my step sister would tell me to do things and when this man performed oral sex on me- a six year old child, I didnt speak out, because they both threatened me (the man and my stepsister). For a long time all I knew was confusion and fear and ambivalence. I shake as I type this, because it is something that disturbs me to a point of feeling the need to avoid, to shut down, to find something else to do...
I did not know that my mother knew about the molestation until I was an adult, it wasnt something we talked about. I found out that she knew, that she tried to get me help and prosecute the man, but wouldnt let me talk to a prosecutor because I wouldnt talk to her about it, my strep sister told her. She even chased my molestor with a shovel and threatened to kill him. SHe also went as far as trying to get one of her biker pals to wreak vengence upon the man, he moved away before it came to pass. Which is all well and good because that would have been something else she would have to deal with on her conscience.  My mother is the type of mother that if you dont talk about it , it didnt happen or it will all heal itself. But she is also a martyr. When I do talk about it, I am sadled with guilt for hurting her, and I become angry because I don't need her guilt or pain or emotions.
 And I turn away from her in my pain, because that is our relationship. I never felt protected by her. These are all things I have to work through. These are things that come up in my family life because I have abandonment issues, and I dont show affection as others do. I have had friends who tell me I flinch when they touch me, or cringe when I am hugged. People dont feel connected to me, and how do I blame them? I do not give them the opportunity. It's not something I do intentionally, because I  crave relationships, I crave human touch, but I do not know how to reciprocate. I know that I do not get close to people because it hurts me when they leave or I am betrayed by them.
As far as the sex acts with my stepbrother, it's not something I have ever talked about. I know that some children experimant and go through discovery of themselves and their bodies, so I tell myself that is what we did, even though it was more than normal, because it was something we did more than once. I know I am not at fault for this. I also know that my stepbrother endured more than this, I do not know how much. His mother had many relationships and I know that my step siblings endured much more than I ever did, and they did not have their father, (my step father), and their lives reflect the pain they endured as children. I do not trust my stepbrother, fro I fear that the things we endured together and the things he endured in his life seperate from our interactions hae fractured him, he is a recovering addict, and cannot hold a normal relationship, and he has been unkind to children in the past, I witnessed it with my ounger brother, whom he bullied. My stepsister is a drug addict with three children that she does not have custody over.
I have a younger brother who was not affected by the same man as we were but I do not know what he had to endure from my step siblings, my mother seems to know something, and I suuspect that my younger brother is also a victim of sexual molestation, but I do not know from whom or the extent. It seems to have run rampant where we once lived- like six degrees of separation only it was only two or three degrees. My step father was a victim as a child, and his mother ignored  it as well, which is  where probably the lack of affection or acknowledgement he gave us children stemmed from, out of fear that he as a man would be a monster, simply because he experienced it.
so thats it for that show ... as if that were not enough for me to acknowledge in the past two days...

On the show where the wife Barb is married to a man that has an illegitimate daughter... I know the daughters pain too. My mother was a lonely young woman, I do not know all that went on in her life, I only know my story. She had sex with men in order to have a child. She told me that she had me because she wanted to have someone to love her unconditionally and only a child could do that. She never thought of finding it within herself. I always knew that I had a biological father that did not want me. I knew this because I knew he wasnt around and I had never met him. My abandonment issues also extend here, as well as my mother meeting my step father when I was four, and marrying him made me lose so much in my life. My mother turned her need for affection away from me, and focused on him. I did not fill the loneliness she felt, and she tried to fill that need with him. I felt abandoned then also. My mother married him because she was pregnant. I knew that as soon as I was able to do the math. She swears she would have married him anyway. My stepdad (I will say father because again he is the only "father" I had) again, did not show me affection, we did not know or trust each other and are only now able to have a relationship since I have moverd far away, and so much has gone on in his life and with his other children. As a teenager, I found out supposedly who my biological father is, but I never had the guts to directly meet him. I had a friend call him when I was fourteen and found out that I had to speak to my mother in order to meet him. I never did because I knew the upheaval it would create in my home. I wrote him letters, never receiving a response. Finally in 2000, I wrote him a letter and received a reply unsigned photocopy of my short letter typed "another letter will be considered harassment" with no return address.  I burned the letter and teh envelope and closed that chapter in my life.
I do not know what kind of upheaval I caused in this mans home, and I feel angry with myself for never having the guts to meet him. I did not want to hurt my mother or father , but it seems I hurt myself and this man in the process. I still do not even know if this man is my father, there was never a DNA or blood test, and from the stories I get from my mother is there was a familial battle in court brought forth by the state. His family's lawyer was unkind in the procedure and there was a small settlement but my mother told him "me and my baby will make it on our own and you will never see her."  Her pride took something away from me. I will never know if this man was my father when all I wanted was to know what he looked like... a childs curiousity. There were times when my life at home got bad where I woulod fantasize that he would come meet me and save me and give me a happy life. But all teens in crisis look fo escape, mine was in my books, and my thoughts, and music.
 My feelings toward my mother are very ambivalent. I know she loves me, but her love is too needy in my eyes. I know she wants to be forgiven and I have forgiven her, but if she cannot forgive herself, then each time I need to heal or talk, it just brings me pain and her pain, and I get angry because I dont want her guiltI get angry and agitated when she gets upset over what she sees as mistakes she made with me. I have worked through some of this in writing letters to my parents and then throwing them away, what is the point in causing them undue pain? I know misery loves company but I dont like hurting people, because I feel the pain which is something I work so hard at shutting out.  I have healed a bit through talking to my grandparents, because I have always been able to turn to them for love and support. And they accept me as I am faults or none, and love me for me. I lived with them and my mother from birth to two until my aunt got sick and we had to move out.
I believe had it not been for them I would be in an uncontrollable spiral. I would not have the loving husband and wonderful daughter (who I worry too much about, she is seven and she is not allowed to have sleepover, and cant play with the doors closed thanks to my fears, she doesn't understand but she accepts it as a rule in our home, no questions asked. ) My husband is the only person I ever dated and we married when I was 18, and had our daughter when I was 20.

I worry about myself now because I have weight issues. I have been to the hospital for chest pains that turn out to be a torn muscle, or irritated lymph glands, but I was scared because hey I weigh 270 pounds. I have hypothyroidism so when I do try to lose weight, it is harder for me to lose weight than normal people.
 I  also know that I shut myself off from relationships, and probably have shut my own self out.
 I do not enjoy sex because I am so self conscious of my weight, because I have a low libido  due to my thyroid, and because sometimes I worry to much and think to much and I cannot enjoy sex as much as I probably could.
 I do not know whether or not my past influences my current sexual attitude, because there are so many other factors, like layers upon layers of an onion. 
I do not like to look at myself in the mirror from the neck down.  I never really have.
 I am shy and surprised when I realise people think about me or miss me, because I do not think I amvery friendly. I am warm and open to people but I do not get close, as much as I would love to have friendships, there is a barrier there.
My husband has even experienced that barrier, worse so when he went away to deployment and was overseas for a very long time. He came home and I was cold and distant. We have worked through that and after eight months we have gotten past it.
It is very hard for him to understand. And God bless him because he loves me anyway. He knows we got married too soon, ad he has confessed he wonders what it would have been like to date other women and do the things single men do, but he had told me that our love means more to him than his curiousity.  I just have to hope that stays true.
My fear is that I have not allowed my full self and potential and FUN side to show. I do not cry unless I am frustrated or angry, for I do not like to acknowledge sadnessor pain.  The bad thing there is now my daughter thinks its not good to cry because I have so many times told her "why are you crying? or stop crying, when logically I know it is better to acknowledge your feelings than to push them aside. I know wiht her I have been insensitive and made her leave the room when she cries because I cant deal with it. For that I feel horrible.
 My brothers and sister and I  are not close.  I fear they think I am too goody goody or try to be too perfect. I have been accused of being "st. (fill in name here)"  not by them, by my husband when Maybe I am being too self indulgent. Maybe we are all just drifting ships and I am the only one who has attempted to make a map.
 I know I should seek counseling, but with my issues in opening up , i do not know how to go to a therapist and I do not know where to begin. I want my husband to go with me, not because I am co- dependant, but I need him to understand, and I know that he would benefit too, because he came from a dysfunctional family also.
And we are being a pretty good functional family but I know we can improve. I know I need individual counseling, but I do not know how to tell my provider I need it to get a referral, and of course there is this negative stigma on counseling, and I know I am functioning quite well.
 I have admitted to myself though that I need to enjoy life, rather than just live in it.  And I do not want my daughter growing up confused or angry becasue I did not know how to show her enough affection, or talk to her. I guess this should have been more of a journal entry than a web post ... as Eminem said "its my life, welcome"  <smile> welcome to my novel.

We begin to die the day we remain silent about things that matter. 

~Martin Luther King Jr.~ 

I was molested as a child and I was told by my father that it never happened as I didn't get pregnant while it was happening, YET as a teenager he told me that IF I did get pregnant not to expect him and Mom to help with the child(ren) as they raised theirs?? He has also told me that my problems started after I left the houses that I grew up in. I have tried to commit suicide as I believe that everyone would be better off without me. I have NO self-esteem. I am in counseling, but it takes a lot to get me through the day...I have a husband but things are not really the way that I want with him. I have a lot of trust issues. I "read" things into what people say....not sure why..and depending on the moment with my dad I was either stupid or smart. I can understand what that one person said about not living in the past, but how do you get past it when your family is trying to keep you down.....

looking4me I read every word of your post and was amazed at the similarities to my own life...your relationships with your daughter and your mother...you seem to have an intuitiveness about you and instinctively know why some of the things that have happened in your life...have happened.  I remember what it felt like to be afraid to ask for counselling...I was afraid of the stigma too...but these days everyone and their uncle has a therapist...I was fearful of everything!!!  Fear ruled me...the other doctor on the show yesterday talked about the negative internal dialogue we have with ourselves...this is what keeps us from healing...this is what keeps us running around in circles like a mouse on a wheel...you need to bouce this off another human being...the feedback you receive if you have a good therapist...will be what assists in your healing...the exchange between the two of you...we need the input from someone who has a different perspective and sees the good in us.  This is so important...you are so lucky to have a supportive husband.  If you go to the library check and see if they have "Miss America by Day: by Marilyn VanDerber"  I haven't read the whole book, as I'm waiting for it to be delivered.  But I have read chapter 9 and have read and heard very good things about the book.  Finding the right therapist is one thing she talks about a lot and offers suggestions for doing that. 

"I was told by my father that it never happened"  

  

Oh, the crazy making behavior of the denial of truth.  My friend, you know what happened and waiting for your father to admit would be like waiting for the sky to turn plaid.  It ain't gonna happen.  Honor YOU and what you know to be true.   

  

Here is an excerpt from Marilyn VanDerber's book "Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned from Ulitmate Betrayals and Unconditional Love"  

  

"I don't remember how I phrased what his sexual violations had done to me.  Maybe I didn't need to.  He certainly knew what I was talking about.  He never tried to deny anything.  I never expected - never dreamed - that he would, but I now know that most violators blatantly deny any and all violations.  Let me clarify.  I never expected him to deny the truth to me.  To others, he would have denied everything.  That was understood.  That is always understood.  Does anyone really believe a father would stand in public and say, "I pried my daughters open for eighteen years?"  Never.  If you choose to confront your perpetrator with someone else present, don't even hope for validation." 

 

 

"The truth that makes us free is for the most part the truth which we prefer not to hear."

~Herbert Agar~ 

 

 

Again...this is the attitude that keeps child sexual abuse happening, over and over, through generation after generation...how you personally deal with your abuse is definately your right to choose...but SOMEONE HAS TO SPEAK FOR THE CHILDREN.   

  

The radio announcer in my town who recently got caught with 199 peices of child pornography in the form of photos, videos and stories broke down and cried in front of reporters...and apologized to his wife...his family...and his listeners.... 

  

His lawyer said, the he is not a danger to society and that the only peole he hurt was himself, his wife and family and his listeners....UMMMMM WAIT A MINUTE......WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN IN THOSE PHOTOS AND VIDEOS?????????????????????????????????????????????????????? 

  

WE NEED TO TAKE OFF OUR BLINDERS THAT ARE DISTORTING OUR VIEW OF THIS ISSUE....AND SEE IF FOR WHAT IT IS... 

  

SOMEONE HAS TO SPEAK FOR THE MOST INNOCENT BEINGS ON OUR PLANET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

  

THEY ARE BEING SACRIFICED!!!!! 

  

BELIEVE ME HIS WIFE, FAMILY AND LISTENERS WILL GET OVER IT...DID HE SHED A TEAR FOR THE CHILDREN? 

  

IN MY OPINION...IF A PERSON CAN SIT DOWN AND WATCH A VIDEO OF A TWO YEAR OLD CHILD BEING RAPED BY AN ADULT AND SOMEHOW FIND A PLACE IN HIS MIND WHERE THAT'S OK...HE IS NOT ONLY A DANGER TO SOCIETY ...HE IS A DANGER TO THE HUMAN RACE AND IS JUST AS GUILTY AS THE PERSON IN THE VIDEO AND THE PERSON FILMING IT.  

  

Im not really afraid to find a therapist. Its almost like I would be prying the lid of a cemented coffin. When I have opened up to people, I have often been met with misunderstanding or ridicule. The past only impedes me from trusting people. I do have serious trust issues, and when people get to know me, they learn that as well as learn that I dont get close, and I hurt them in opening up only enough for them to see the scar but not enough to let them in. They may not know the cause of the scar, only  they are wary because I essentially say nonverbally "look here see my scar see what  has happened to me? Now get away from me because I wont let you scar me too. " And most of these people are good people who want to be my friend who want to care, but I dont let them. THe small few who havent been put off by this, accept this about me, and chastise me only when I do not turn to them when I am in real need. But I do not turn to people for help, unless it is my last possible option, and I do it begrudgingly an apologetically. As though I am supposed to be supergirl.  I know this is because of my past relationships. The funny thing is I feel other peoples needs and I want to help them and I volunteer all the time.  I am currently feeling the pull to go back home to the gulf coast to help out there, and I plan to do so as soon as I can. I am a military spouse and the life suits me because I get to be strong for the whole family when Daddy is deployed. I have so much to give, and I can be open to give, just not when people need to show me they love me. I cant need... does that make any sense?

It makes all the sense in the world... I am not qualified to tell any one person how to deal with their individual situaltion...i am very vocal on the topic in general...but i ssooooooo understand what you feel...you could be describing me...i had to seek counselling because i came to a point where it was get help or live the rest of my life like i am living right now....isolated...lonely...no friends....several failed relationships under my belt...ostracized by my family...and i don't want to live like this anymore...i guess only each of us know ourselves and how bad we will let things get before we reach out... 

  

I understand what you feel because of the misunderstanding and ridicule you are met with when you try to address this issue in your life...i lost my family because of it...i may have lost my son ...and my daughter?  i sometimes feel she only stays with me because she feels obligated...i suffer intense guilt over how, my need to do what I need to do, has affected my children even though they are grown now.   

  

I was silenced by my family's refusal to "deal" with this and when I could no longer be silent and I had to choose ...it was either silence or my own sanity...I chose me... and i paid dearly. 

  

...would i do it differently??? maybe...maybe i'd choose the path where my kids had relatives who invited them to familiy funcitons while their mother was in the psyc ward.  Oh... my family would visit me faithfully like a good family does and they would look at me compassionatly as i take my medictation. and shake their heads in sorrow for me. 

You know it is almost apalling to see people actually come on here and tell us that it is too much info.  You deciding to keep your secret is your choice, but it is no easy task to come forward about this. It takes a mighty strong person to be upfront, and honest about their experiences on national television. And the fact that some of you were able to move on??? well good for you. This is an extremely serious issue that needs attention and I applaud the two families that appeared on the show, for their courage and strength. Speaking out may have been the best thing they could have done, not only for themselves, or their families, but for all those that were out there feeling like they were the only ones.sdpty333, you are an amazing person with so much heart, and to you I also raise my glass for standing up to those that are being close minded about this issue.l am tired of it being my fault, and it is attitudes like TMI that keep us in that rut of blamig ourselves. Do you really think that the poor woman with the three kids wanted this life style for her kids??? As emotional as she was, the fact that she is able to care for those children, and give them the best life she can, is another amazing thing. Can those of you that have had negative thoughts about this show...can you say that you could endure that kind of abuse, and still come out on top???? So the next time you think it's too much info, maybe consider those that might be able to get the help, or confidence they need to overcome demons such as these.

 i was sexually abused by my father up until i was about four years old. and i still have flashbacks of what happened and they have been getting worse the last few months. when my mom found out (when i was about 3), she left him. he was also physically abusive towards her and i have witnessed that and have dreams about that too. during the divorce, i had to testify in court about everything that happened including the sexual abuse. the courts never once put him in jail and has not forced him to pay child support. i am now 21 years old and am in college but am struggling to deal with the fact that there was no justice. i still struggle with the dreams and flashbacks (i am in therapy) but i am frustrated because there was NO JUSTICE. i just told my mom and aunt about the flashbacks and they just tell me to focus more on school so it will take my mind off of it. i feel so drained with all of this and feel like they care more about me finishing school than feeling good about myself. i feel like i have been robbed of my childhood (because the custody and divorce took years), and that my family doesn't understand how much this is still effecting me. i don't feel like i can talk to them because they just worry about my school and grades. i feel so lost.