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Topic : 05/30 Pretty/Ugly

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Created on : Friday, September 09, 2005, 03:43:52 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 09/16/05) How important do you think looks really are? And, do you think attractive people get treated better in society? Dr. Phil's son, Jay, goes out in  disguise to see if people really do judge a book by its cover. You won't believe the results, nor the response that surprised him the most! Plus, Debi favors her older daughter because she’s "beautiful" and treats her youngest like "dirt" because she's "fat and unattractive." Can Dr. Phil help her love both girls equally? And, Michelle only lets her daughter play with pretty kids on the playground because she equates beauty with success in life. Will she learn to re-evaluate her standards? Tell us your thoughts on today's show.

 

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September 10, 2005, 7:54 am CDT

Pretty VS Ugly

I have seen so many instances of pretty versus ugly that my head is spinning. 

 

  

 

When I was in my younger I considered myself to be average, was slim, and since the age of 13 had long beautiful hair.  Someone was always commenting on how beautiful it was.  Well, between the age of 16 and 25 I cut my hair, three times (to just above shoulder length).  Here’s how people reacted to this: 

-         one of my bank customers, who would always come to my teller wicket (and would actually wait if there was a lineup):  what have you done to your hair!!  After that I wasn’t his favorite teller anymore. 

-         My mother (if you can believe it):  you’re not my Debbie anymore (ouch, my self-esteem hit an all-time low) 

-         A co-worker:  again, what have you done to your hair!  He never treated me the same way again. 

 

  

 

One of my girlfriends was so pretty that quite literally every man in the room would turn their heads to stare at her.  Women were extremely jealous of her beauty.  There was one huge pitfall to her beauty – she attracted all of the men who shallow womanizers, who wanted to have a beautiful woman on their arm for the sake of their own ego.  Many of these men were abusive in nature. 

 

  

 

I’ve also seen women get a job because they were beautiful or volumtuous – hired by a man (who bragged later on to other men why he hired her).  Extremely frustrating to women who are not perceived as beautiful, volumtous, etc. 

 

  

 

One final note on being perceived as beautiful – this person is often excluded from groups of other women because they are jealous of their beauty. 

 

  

 

I have seen heavier women not wanting to be with slim women and vice versa.  Slim women sometimes look at heavier women and wonder why they don't take care of themselves.  Heavier women don't want to be around slim women because they feel they are discriminated against, and may become jealous.  Jealousy can be painful to whomever it is directed at.  So this discrimination goes both ways.  

   

Unfortunately from all of the ads with pretty/handsome, slim models and actors, society has set a standard of what's beautiful and what isn't.  This isn't fair (as many things in life are not), so all children must be taught and validated over and over and over again by their parents, teachers and friends that each one is unique and it’s what inside that counts.  

   

Interestingly enough, teenagers who focus solely on being beautiful with very little or no focus on studies or developing strong family values eventually realize just being pretty doesn't work anymore; it's values and intelligence that are respected.  They have to re-evaluate their beliefs and work to re-define themselves; a long difficult journey.  

 

  

 

 

  

 

I think each and every child should be taught (both boys and girls) that beauty what's inside the person, not outside.  And that someone isn’t better because they're perceived as pretty.  And that someone is no lesser a person because they’re perceived as 'ugly'.  And to reinforce this, the most important thing is that as a society we need to change our perception of what beauty is.  

    

Pretty vs Ugly - we all need help! 
 
September 10, 2005, 8:49 am CDT

Are attractive people treated better...

 You bet! And I think that research has proven this over and over again.   Just look at your high level managers and CEOs.  How many of the men are tall and/or have lots of hair!  Virtually all of them.

I have found myself experiencing reverse "lookism".  Specifically, I consciously evaluate less attractive people as more hard working and smarter because of all the extra burden they have to endure to get where they are.

I disagree with Dr. Phil who says  that good looks will get you in the door, but won't keep you there.  Good looks pay off at all levels of the experience chain.
 
September 12, 2005, 10:43 am CDT

pretty ugly / jobs

I BELIEVE THAT SOME OF WHAT DR. PHIL AND HIS SON SAY BUT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN OVERWEIHGT MOST OF MY LIFE. BUT I HAVE THE CONFIDIENCE THAT I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. ANY JOB THAT I HAVE EVER APPLIED FOR I HAVE GOTTEN EXCEPT ONE. RIGHT I HAVE MY OWN BUSINESS I DONT SEE TOO MANY PEOPLE BECAUSE MY BUS. IS AT HOME. I GUESS I HAVE ALWAYS HAD THE SUPPORT OF MY FAMILY THAT I NEVER FELT TTOO BAD ABOUT MY WEIGHT. ALL MY AUNTS AND GRANDPARENTS HAVE ALWAYS TOLD I AM A BEAUTTY THAT I NEVER NOTICED THE OTHER STUFF. NOW THAT I HAVE GOTTEN OLDER THOUGH I AM TRYING TO LOSE THE WEIGHT FOR MY CHILDREN. I WANT TO BE AROUND FOR THEM FOR A LONG TIME.   
 
September 12, 2005, 11:44 am CDT

how important is looks?

i have always been considered NOT pretty -not that i'm too ugly to look at - but i have seen the preference all my life to the pretty ones - no matter what - pretty gets first in whatever the situation is........ i can wish all i want - but since i'm not considered 'pretty' i sure don't get what i want -   

it's totally frustrating living in a world like this -   

i won't be surprised at what jay finds - i know i won't -   

thanks for your shows - thanks for all you do -   

 
September 12, 2005, 11:46 am CDT

We have to love who we are!

Beauty has it's up's and down's. So do -being short, stout, bald, in ill health, whatever, we all have something. If it's not on the outside it's on the inside.  

We have to cry on the times it gets us down and thank God for the moments we are alive! 

I'm 54 and a backpacker around the world. I can be treated like a 'star' where there are no 'whites' and after getting all that attention i am so thankfull to be me and walk the streets here ALONE.  

Here i dress 'pretty' very few single men will even walk with me, unless they are long time friends and know me. Married me flirt heavy with their wives by their sides. the idea being for the wife is "if i wasn't with you i'd be with her' which i'd like to tell the wife is bullshit. Your husband only has the guts to flirt with me because he has a ring on his finger! He is looking for a reaction from you. Tell him it really wouldn't bother you if he ditched you because you are considering stepping up a level. :-) Ok, that might not be nice then just talk to the pretty woman because believe me, she is usually just like you with all the same desires, concerns and hopes.  

 
September 12, 2005, 2:25 pm CDT

You've Got to be Carefully Taught

 Ultimately, this attitude is down to the parents.  People don't start out this way.  Yes, of course, we are all fascinated by attractive people, but when we are children, our attitudes toward others are formed by how our parents treat others and what they teach us about treating others right.

When I was five years old, my parents divorced.  By the time I was eight, we had moved back to my mother's hometown to be nearer to family.  My sister and I were ostracized, not because we were unattractive or unintelligent (no good excuse), but because we were from a broken home in a small town.  We even had kids tell us that we were not allowed to play with them (nor they with us) because we didn't have a daddy.  Both my sister and I found this utterly ridiculous and an excuse for others to be snots.  They used their parents' attitudes to invalidate our right to feelings.  Parents start this behavior and they can stop it before it starts.

Years later, when my first marriage failed because of abuse, I moved back with my son to that same town to care for my grandmother.  I was sure that attitudes had changed and that the few friends I had there would not treat me or mine the way I was treated as a child.  I was wrong.  When my divorce became final, all of a sudden my friends, who had been so supportive, didn't want me around anymore.  I determined that when I was no longer needed, I would move to a more enlightened area, which I did. 

By the time my son started school, I had drummed into him that we treat people the way we want to be treated and we never call names or treat others unkindly.  All through his school career this was an emphasis.  I hoped I had made a difference and that others could feel good about my son and that none would have cause to think of him as the "mean kid".  Imagine how I felt when my son decided to fill a Mormon mission at age 19 and we had hundreds of people from all walks of life, many of whom I didn't know, attend his farewell service and reception and wish him well!  I am not taking the credit for my son's ability to make friends, but I do know, because he told me, that he never forgot my admonition to treat others kindly, that unkindness was unacceptable, and that he could make a difference to someone by treating them right. 

Kindness is the cure.  Parents who start their children out with attitudes of unkindness and discrimination are the cause.
 
September 12, 2005, 2:47 pm CDT

On the pretty side

I have always been told I was very pretty..had the cutest boyfriend in school...was treated different by my teachers. Being pretty is not what it is all cracked up to be. I wanted to be treated good because I was a good person and not because of my looks.
 
September 12, 2005, 3:23 pm CDT

More Than One Way To Be Pretty

 There is more than one way to be pretty.  Or ugly, or any other way of being.

As an artist, I can wear more than one face at a time.  There is my physical face, yes, with a few too many pounds and glasses.  But there are the faces aka artworks I create, which are a good deal more striking.  I also do creative writing, and create more than one character who's lives I live through the pen. Or the keyboard :>.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and there is often more than one. 

It is an error to judge by what is seen by the two orbs above the nose just what you are looking at when you view another person.  In some ways, the Internet revolution is forcing us to see just a bit deeper.

Craftycorner
One of many faces.
 
September 12, 2005, 4:22 pm CDT

Am I not pretty enough?

My whole life seemed to be defined by attractiveness or lack of it and I would hope that we are now becoming more aware of this bias and would seek to work past it so our children are not similarly affected. At primary school, the girls with pretty faces and clothes naturally won the teachers affection quicker than we more plain ones. At dancing school you had to be pretty as well as skilled to dance in the front row, entrance to the local ballet company was judged solely on your body shape as you walked in front of the panel. I know ballet is a specialised and demanding field but all the work and honours grades in the world did you no good if you didn't look like a porcelain doll. Even now, prettiness wins hands down in all areas of life... career opportunity and popularity,  and I ashamed to even catch myself showing favour to beautiful people too. A prime example of this is my ex who looked wonderful... could give any movie star or model a run for their money, yet he behaved so badly and disrespectfully to women. But he got away with it and still does as one look at him 'just melts ya.' I know this is a shallow and stupid way of interacting with the world but, nonetheless, it is the way of the world, unfortunately and I can't see it changing.
 
September 12, 2005, 4:31 pm CDT

Pretty ugly

   

I am not an ugly person, but had a very beautiful friend. I was the cripple, fat girl. In reality, I am a wonderful friend, giving and caring person. I went on to be married and have 2 great kids. I think I'm a pretty good Mom too. My beautiful friend, was never taken seriously. She's now a single Mom  of 3 on welfare. I believe that if she had been judged for who she was, not what she looked like, things would have turned out differently.  

 
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