Not long ago, I saw a humorous warning on a bumper sticker, appropriate for my home state of Florida: "Be good to your children. They will choose your nursing home."
I was visiting with my oldest daughter, who had just given birth to her first baby, when this show aired. We were unable to watch the entire program because my daughter became too upset by the sounds and images of what was happening to Michelle's children. During the month I stayed with my daughter, watching her adjust to her new role and seeing her delight in her new daughter, I remembered another clingy baby, the strong-willed toddler, the moody child, and the rebellious teenager. I also remembered how as a young mother, I often became overwhelmed, and shrieked at my young children. I didn't resort to profane name-calling, but I did yell. My own parents were of the "spare the rod and spoil the child", obey -without- question school of child "discipline". I tended to fall back on that role model, especially when I was under stress. To make a long story short, I made a concious decision to find a better way of parenting. It was painful to admit to myself that what I had always been taught as "discipline" was actually abusive. It was difficult to ask for help, and sometimes my concerns were brushed aside, or trivialized. As I prayed, read, and searched for help, I began to find answers. I observed people I knew were successful parents of happy families - the ones whose grown children were happy and successful adults and actually liked and respected Mom and Dad. I was referred to good doctors; and treated for the clinical depression, that for several years had drained my energy, and kept me constantly on edge. I learned to appreciate and enjoy my children. One of the most important things I learned was that we can't demand "respect" from our children unless it goes both ways. That includes knowing how to apologize and ask for forgiveness when we have been unjust . (By the way, saying something like, "I'm sorry I screamed at you, but you should have..." or "Mom is sorry she slapped you, but she was so upset when you..." is NOT an apology.)
Sometimes a selfish desire not to look bad can get in the way of needed changes. I noticed that Michelle seemed to want help, yet she didn't want to look too bad . She tried to deflect responsibility for her behavior onto the children, the camera crew, and so on. She minimized her daughter's very real emotional trauma as exaggerated or being "dramatic" - rather than face the truth about how her behavior was affecting her child. She didn't look bad because of the production crew, or because the kids were "playing it up for the cameras"; she looked bad because her behavior was bad. ( She looked worse when she attempted to excuse the inexcusable. You can't make excuses and make changes at the same time.) I am grateful for the support and help I received through prayer and church leaders, through friends and others who provided good role models, and for the professionals who worked with me.
The changes that started years ago became the investments that are paying out so much joy and laughter today. My grown children have their own individual challenges, but they are affectionate, moral, self-confident, and humorous young adults. The two teenagers at home are a source of anxiety and joy, never dull.
The "bratty" toddler and moody teenager has grown into an accomplished, lovely young woman, who calls to tell me everything the baby is doing, and that she got an "A" on her exam.
I agree that a 15-yearold should not be forced to keep a child, and perhaps some people are not meant to be parents. However, no matter what the circumstances of it's birth, a baby has no choice in the matter. A baby comes into the world helpless and powerless. A child is not responsible for our painful relationships, our bad decisions, or any of our past wounds, yet we sometimes look upon our children as enemies out to get us. They are the closest, and easiest targets for adult rage. I have noticed that some adults who expound passionately about the need for more "discipline" of children are the very same adults who lack self -discipline over their own tempers. The children on the show were a lot closer to being "angels' than the out-of-control lunatic screaming the profanity-laden threats into their faces.
Dr. Phil intervenes with a woman who's anger is out of control. Michelle calls herself a "raging lunatic," and says her family is falling apart because of it. When something sets her off, Michelle will go to the extreme: Following drivers on the road, screaming obscenities at her husband until he flees the house, and yelling at her daughters until they are physically sick and cowering in the closet. Michelle reveals her worst fear and Dr. Phil steps in to save this family. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
