Topic : 12/22 Little Mean Girls

 Let me just say I used to deal witht kids A LOT.  I used to babysit 8-12 hours as a 16-18 year old for a girl that was 2 when I met her and 4 when I stopped.   I used to be a camp couselor. My first year I had 6-8 year olds, and the 2nd I have 9-14 year olds all girls.  I don't think I'd EVER be scared of ANYONE'S kid no matter how bad they were.

That said I usually try the nice approach first, then if that doesn't work  I turn into the wicked witch of the west.  I've never hit anyone's kids even when I had open permission (when I babysat) but I am NOT above restraining physically violent children.  When I say restraining I mean I  will literally  wrap my arms around them from behind, one at slightly below shoulder level and one around the waist  area, catching their wrists.    I've been warned that legally this isn't the best move, but I've never had a parent complain and if for some reason I think that a child is in danger of hurting somone else or  her/himself I have no problem with it.   Usually you just have to hold them long enough for them to be worn out, or plain tired of fighting with you.  I've had to do it for up to 20 minutes before, but after a while I've noticed they figure out that it's just easier not to throw a fit for me.

I've had kids that throw tantrums, kids that cry consistently, and kids that refuse to do anything  but I REFUSE to let their behavior intimidate me or let it get them their way when I've said "NO".   I've found that when kids are throwing fits the best thing to do is put them in a room where there is nothing breakable, or for them to hurt themselves on and shut the door.  If they don't stay in there on thier own I hold it shut.  I Let them yell and scream and do whatever, and just  refuse to respond. Once they've settled down, then they can come out.

I'm young, about 24, so I have enough energy to do this all day long. So usually kids I'm watching know that  I"m not messing around .

It may sound cruel but I'm only like that with kids that force me to be that way.  When they're good they are rewarded, when they're bad...well...it's not fun.

My kids have met bullies in their lives-it would be impossible for them not to.  One thing I have done with my children is to role play with them any situation they have come up against where they didn't like how they were treated.  I teach them how to respond.  The responses I taught have ranged from asking directly for what they want (or for what they don't want to be stopped) to drawing in an authority figure. Once they have practised a response, it will come to them much easier and more naturally when they are in a bad situation. 

  

I devised this strategy when my daughter was 3 and a bully would take her donation money in Sunday school (can you believe that?!). Although I did talk to the bully's mom about the situation, I felt that my job included teaching my daughter to stand up for herself, too.   

You know there are things called autistic spectrum disorder, add, childhood schizophrenia, etc... 

Those things can't be treated just by yelling at your kids and putting them in time out. Sometimes you need to take things a step further and put your children on medications and then take it even further and do behavior modification with them. And that can take even the best experts time to do. 

  

Here's a tip: Instead of just punishing your children, try some positive reinforcement. Reward the absence of the bad behavior and reward the good behavior with things your children enjoy.  And use verbal reinforcement too, saying stuff like "Good using your words," "thank you for not screaming", etc.. But also use the time out system when this misbehave.. 

Being a mom is hard job, and I really do not believe that parents take time outs for themselves. The best action I ever took with my daughter was buying a camera so I could see into her room and using a baby monitor to make sure she was safe when in time out. I love my daughter with everything I have, but there are days I need a break from her even now when she is eighteen. Missy was such a bully growing up and it had alot to do with what she saw when she was younger. When I took us out of the destructive situation, her behaviour became much more agressive. With alot of patience I would ignore her yelling and screaming and punching and kicking, but as soon as she stopped and would tug on my shirt, she would go "mommy?' I would scoop her up and hug her and tell her how nice she asked for me. It is just one example but my nerves would be frayed, so after she went to bed I would turn on the monitor and take a long hot bath with some soothing music and aromatic candles, minimum 1/2 hour to myself. The door closed all interuptions turned off. That little time to take for myself would rejuvinate me for the next days battles. Even now if I have the music on in the tub, she will not disturb me, no matter what. But the other thing we have been able to build is a communicative, open, loving and respectful relationship. So parents, do not give up, we all grow up it just takes some of us longer than others. Talking without raising your voice on your end (no matter how loud they are yelling) will help to teach them there are other ways to communicate and it will happen through time.

I'm sure that this question has been asked, but when, in this country, did parents decide that "being a friend" to the child is so important?  I'm 64 and certainly when I was growing up this attitude didn't exist.  My parents weren't my friends, I wasn't my daughter's friend, and she doesn't seem to deem it important to be a friend to her son.  I'm sure everyone knows what I mean by not being a friend.  I wasn't an enemy, just a parent... I don't want to generalize, but it appears that most of these parents are in their 20's and early 30's....Where in the world did it come from?

   Hey Dr. Phil, 

After seeing the show today "NOW DO YOU BELIEVE IN SPANKINGS"---Just Kidding!!!I must admit that I see nothing wrong with a swat on the butt as long as control is used.I have raised 5 wonderful children and they did get a swat on the butt on occassion.I think that children need to know that there are consquences to their actions.After spanking just a few times they soon caught on and I did not have to do it again,---It worked for me. 

                                                                                 Helen 

 Dear Dr. Phil, 

 My daughter is not the mean one but my son is. At home he argues his sister all the time. I am constantly getting on to both of them about this negative behavior. At school he is a terror and the teacher has a time keeping out of trouble. He is always in trouble. He lies all the time and steals from family and friends. He has ADHD and I have him on medication for that, but his behavior has not changed very much. He was seeing a psychiatrist and a councilor. His behavior has not changed at all in the year he was going. My husband and I really don't know what to do. We want help with him because we worry about him becoming a juvenile delinquent. If he continues to steal and bully others he will find himself in jail. He does not belief this can happen to him. We are running out of options, please help. 

                                                                                                                                         Sincerely. 

                                                                                                                                          Leslie 

Dr. Phil, 

My son is 32 mon old and he is very unrulely. I have no control and when i try to discipline him he yells and hits back at me. This is the biggest disagreement my husband and I have. It's to the point that my husband wont even help me with this matter. My son will listen to him and not me. He doesnt take me serious, After seeing your show today I was wondering if it is to early to start back at the basics as you call it with him? 

Much help needed. 

  

It is a thin line between being friends and enemies though. I don't think it is as important to be their friend but you can't make your self their enemy either. Your children need to have you to come to with questions and problems, they won't do that if you are their enemy. 

  

Lovinglady 

There is a fine line between being their friend and their enemy. I don't think you can focus on being there firend but I also don't want to be my daughters enemy, because I want her to always feel like she can come to me with problems. 

  

Lovinglady